~z~

Where can you see your past

~z~

For the first time in months you look out the window. You watch as people walk by. You feel numb. Before this scenery would have caused you pain. To see those people and know that they have that something that you lost. Now you can't feel anything. The emptiness has swallowed your very being.

Someone comes in. You can hear them as they walk in. You ignore them, hoping they would leave soon. You don't want to have another meaningless talk today. No, that's not right. You haven't been talking with anyone for a while now.

Your visitor sit next to you without a word and you can finally see who they are. There's a painful twist in your stomach as you utter your first word in days. 'Kazu' your voice comes out as a rasping breath and you flinch. He looks at you but you turn away. The numbness is gone and it has been replaced by guilt, pain and shame. You don't want him to see you here, but now you fear that he too will leave you. Not that you would blame him for it. It's your own weakness that led you here and that same weakness that keeps you from going back.

You wait for his reaction but there is none. You finally dare to look at him again and you immediately wish you hadn't. He's looking down at his hands with a pained expression. Of all the people you have pushed away, he is the last one still trying. It would be easier for the both of you if he just gave up like everyone else. Suddenly he looks up straight at you. Fear starts to build up inside you and veils you in panic. You don't know what he sees when he looks at you but his eyes seem to get back their determination.

Neither one of you says anything. You don't know how long you sat there, side by side, but you know that when he leaves he will come back.

Once again you ask yourself: where had all of this began? Had it started with your failure as the team's leader? No, you had already started to feel this way before it happened. Granted, it might have been the point where you finally gave up but maybe this would have happened regardless. You remember how you, little by little, started to lose the joy in your life. Everything was serious and you could feel the pressure of everyone's expectations weighting you down.

You groan as you start to get a headache from thinking about the past. You can now see all the things you did wrong and it makes you feel twice as horrible. How could you be so blind? At least you made the right decision when leaving the team. Someone like you doesn't deserve to be their leader. If only he would stop coming…

You lie down on the floor and close your eyes. You feel so empty and tired. All of your energy has been drained. You slowly open your eyes and see a deformed image of yourself from the lamp. You lie there and watch your twisted image in that twisted room and wonder, which one of you is more twisted. You can almost see how the you in the lamp would get off the floor and start living again. The other you would live like nothing had happened and laugh and joke and live.

You're so lost in your own visions that you almost miss to notice when someone else comes in. You see him from the lamp as he walks over to you. He looks at you for a while before lying down as well. His head is next to yours and you can smell the sweet scent of his shampoo. And you lie there, together, and look at your twisted reflections.

AN/ I hate my computer... It deleted all of my files so I had to rewrite this sh*t and chapter three. I'm so pissed off that I really don't care anymore. I will never again try to be a good writer and edit my writings! NEVER AGAIN!

(Sorry, don't mind me, I'm just so angry right now.)