Pre-An/AR: Just for reference, a Hitler's child is blonde with blue eyes. It's not an insult, just a not-so-very-common term. In my opinion, it's not that odd that the Addamses would know it. Oh, and while Vendetta IS their adoptive sibling now, Pugsley, Wednesday, and Harry (Harcourt) don't include her in most of their attempts on Pubert's life. She frankly doesn't care if the baby lives or dies, she just wants to make fiends. XD.

"Come sorrow, we welcome thee. Let us join in grief, and honour the fortunate dead."

"Dearly Beloved," Grandmama murmured, bowing her head and clasping her hands.

Harry glanced at his sister and brother as Wednesday rattled the box. "Shush, Zara!" Wednesday gave him a grateful nod and dropped the box into the hole they'd dug for their annual start of summer cat-burying. They all dropped some flowers on the box. Wednesday, a dead rose, Harcourt, a pale white Lily, Pugsley a somewhat questionable tulip, and grandmama a sprig of wolfsbane. Harry shovelled some dirt into the grave. Zara mewed again. Silly cat, she'd be dug up again in a minute.

"Harcourt! Wednesday! Pugsley! Grandmama! Aunt Morticia's having the baby!"

The mentioned four jumped for a minute and quickly dug the cat up, then ran fopr the house. Zara tried to bite Grandmama.

There; now she was acting like a good kitty.

….

Harcourt resisted the rather strong urge to strangle that stupid little blonde idiot across from them. Pugsley rolled his eyes and gave the twins a look that clearly said 'is she serious?'

Harcourt snorted.

": …and then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby! "

"Our parents are having a baby, too," Pugsley told the annoying little Hitler's child,

"They had sex," the twins said together.

"Stupid girl . . . " Vendetta muttered. Emily smacked the side of her head.

The little girl gaped at them, dumbstruck.

There was a loud sigh of relief from the other occupants of the room.

"How much do you think we'd have to pay to experiment on her spleen?" Emily whispered to him, leaning over Wednesday.

"Dunno."

"What spleen?"

"Everyone has a spleen, Wednesday."

"So?"

It didn't take long for the talk to turn to what gender the baby would be.

" It's a girl," Wednesday said, glaring at Pugsley. Harry rolled his eyes.

"It's a boy," Pugsley shot back.

"MAYBE it's a hermaphrodite!" Harry cut in exasperatedly.

"Seconded!" Emily agreed.

"Thirded!"

"Fourthed!"

"Those aren't words, you stupid peoples."

Before anyone could reply to Vendetta's barb, Gomez came in.

"Father, what is it?" Wednesday asked.

"It's an Addams!"

….

Vendetta, Wednesday, Harcourt, and Pugsley were sawing the railing supports from the stairway, and Wednesday was telling Pugsley about how one of them had to die now that there was a new baby.

"That's not true," Pugsley said doubtfully.

"It is so. Everyone knows it," Wednesday argued.

"Yeah," Harcourt continued, "When you have a new baby, one of the other children has to die."

"Really?"

"Yes, you stupid boy!" Vendetta snarled.

"It's a tradition," Wednesday said in a bored tone, "one of us has to go."

"Then why didn't one of die when we got Harry? Or when Mother adopted Vendetta?"

"Because, you're the Addams Heir, I'm the Frump Heiress, Vendetta's adopted, so she's out of the running, and Harcourt is Heir to the Potters. We can't have a spare. Plus, Mother didn't give birth to Harcourt or Vendetta."

"Thankfully," the aforementioned green girl muttered. Lucky, she had an interesting skin colour because her grandmother was a Merrow.

"So . . . Which one?"

"Well, they can't kill me, because I'm the last Potter," Harcourt mused thoughtfully.

"And I'm adopted."

"Besides, they only need one other boy." Wednesday smirked a little at the expression on Pugsley's face.

Pugsley began to saw faster, and Vendetta cackled.

….

Wednesday, Harcourt, and Pugsley looked on in disgust as the whole Family cooed over the new baby. Emily, Edgar, Ellen, Eddie, Grandmama, Gomez, Morticia, Uncle Fester . . . It was disgusting. At least Vendetta had sense; she was chasing down rabbits and robins to cook into pies. Apparently robin pie was better than blackbird. Her adoptive siblings just thought that she didn't like dainty dishes made for king's. Or dainty dishes in general.

"He has my father's eyes," Gomez said happily.

Morticia smiled.

"Uncle Gomez, take those out of his mouth," Eddie sniggered.

Wednesday sneered at them, and Harcourt couldn't help but glare; stupid baby.

"A baby in the house! It's about time!" Grandmama grinned. Harry pretended to gag when she tickled the Evil One's chin. "Hey, kiddo!"

The stupid brat breathed fire on Grandmama.

Morticia looked thrilled. "Did you see that?"

The Evil One cooed contentedly and pointed at the ceiling.

Wednesday twisted her doll's head off.

Grandmama cackled. "He's a real devil!"

…...

Later that night, Wednesday, Harcourt, and Pugsley were on the roof with the Evil One. Wednesday was holding the Evil One, and Pugsley a cannonball from the playroom.

"Pugsley," Harcourt asked, "the baby weighs ten pounds. The cannonball weighs twenty pounds."

"Which will hit the stone walkway first?" Wednesday finished for him.

"I'm still on fractions," Pugsley said sheepishly, looking down at the pavement, and Lurch, who was educating Emily's golem, Raven, on watering the Venus Man Traps properly. Delphi's little descendants really were adorable.

"Guess," the twins said together.

"The . . . Cannonball?"

"Very good, Pugsley," Harry acknowledged.

"But which one will bounce?" Wednesday queried.

"The baby?"

"Only one way to find out."

"One," Harcourt began, "Two . . . Three!"

Harry grinned like a loon as he watched the Evil One and the cannon ball fall. Wait . . .

"Damn!"

"Who caught him?"

"Father," Harcourt snarled.

Well, at least they got a short laugh when Lurch and Raven were hit in the head by the cannon ball.

…..

Vendetta, Wednesday, Harcourt, and Pugsley were seated on one of the couches in the parlour, sitting across from Morticia, who was holding the Evil One, and Gomez. Uncle Fester was watching with Grandmama nearby.

Gomez sighred and asked them, "Children, why do you hate the baby?"

"We don't hate him." Pugsley said blandly.

"We just want to play with him," Harcourt answered.

Wednesday smirked, "Especially his head."

Pugsley, and Harcourt nodded in agreement. Vendetta made gagging noises behind her hand.

"Children," Gomez asked, "Do you think we love the baby more than we love you?"

"Yes."

Morticia looked at them carefully before asking them, "Do you think that when a new baby arrives, one of the other children has to die?"

"Yes."

Grandmama looked up from the knitting she was doing in the corner "Well, that's just not true." She sighed. "Not anymore."

Fester tried to reassure his brother and sister-in-law. "It's just sibling rivalry. Gomez, do you remember what we were like?" He asked, walking over to the others, "I hated you!"

Gomez laughed. "I despised you!"

"I choked him until he lost consciousness and had to be put on a respirator!"

"I tied him to a tree and pulled out four of his permanent teeth!"

"When he was asleep, I opened his skull, and removed his brains!"

"You did?"

Fester laughed hysterically. "A brother!" he shouted as he and Gomez hugged each other.

"Brother!"

The children watched amusedly as Gomez flung Fester into the opposite wall, then grabbed up about twenty of his favourite knives from on the table, and started flinging them all around Fester, with several right next to his head. Fester laughed hysterically through it all, although the last four were done with Gomez's back to him.

Fester turned his head toward the minors. "Children, you see?"

…

Later that night, In the basement, Wednesday read from a scroll Harcourt had found in the catacombs under the house when they were seven. They always had wanted a good excuse to use the thing. Pugsley held the rope on the small guillotine.

Wednesday cleared her throat and read, "Death! Death to the enemies of the republic."

Pugsley let the rope go. The blade fell and smashed a watermelon in half.

Wednesday nodded a little and continued, "Hurrah! Justice is served. Bring forth the evil one."

She rolled the watermelon out of the way and placed it in a basket for the victim's head. She began to haul the blade up again. Pugsley wheeled the baby to the guillotine as Harcourt set the "Marseilleise" to play. The Evil One was dressed up in a cream-colored lacy dress. That they had pillaged from Wednesday's box of clothes for her favourite doll, Marie Antoinette. Pugsley pulled the Evil One out and held him up in front of his face.

Wednesday smirked. "You have betrayed the people of France. You are evil incarnate. How do you plead?"

Pugsley spoke for the baby in a squeaky voice, "Guilty!"

Wednesday smiled ferally. "Guilty! By her own admission. The sentence is death. Executioner, place her on the block."

Pugsley handed the baby to Harcourt. The smaller boy placed the Evil One properly and stepped back.

Wednesday looked between the two of them and indicated for her twin to start the countdown.

"One… two…"

Morticia called them from upstairs. "Children, what are you doing?"

The preteens glanced at one another and shouted together, "Playing!"

Harcourt smiled insanely. "Three!"

They watched as the blade fell, but the stupid baby caught it just in time between his thumb and forefinger.

Wednesday glared. "Woe to the republic."

…...

The Addams children were able to convince all of their cousins to help them try and off their new little brother.

They did not expect that to cause Gomez and Morticia to have all of the cousins, including Vendetta, stay in the house next door; no-one had rented it since Wednesday and Harcourt were eight, so it was quite free.

Meanwhile, Harcourt, Wednesday, and Pugsley got . . . A Nanny.

Well, three.

Day of the First Nanny:

The first nanny sat cross-legged on a chair, with braided blonde hair, large hoop earrings, several necklaces, and baggy hippie clothes. Wednesday, Harcourt and Pugsley sat opposite her, on the centre bed in the old nursery from when they were smaller.

Brandi smiled at them. "Children," she said softly, "as your new nanny, I know that we're all concerned about the environment, so this morning, let's discuss how to prevent forest fires."

Wednesday raised an eyebrow at the college-aged woman. "Prevent them?"

Harcourt struck a match.

Brandi was running from the house screaming after an hour.

Day of the Second Nanny:

The second new nanny, a large, stern-looking black woman, was sitting in the same chair that Brandi had, and was looking thunderous. She'd been there for forty-five minutes, and the kids were hoping to get her to break sooner than Brandi had.

Bertha spoke in clipped, unhappy tones. "All right, children, I've had it up to here. Now you just answer One. Simple. Question. Where is that baby!"

Harcourt snorted, and Pugsley sniggered.

"Which part?" Wednesday asked in a monotone.

They beat the record.

By three minutes, forty nine and a half seconds.

Day of the Third Nanny:

The third new nanny, a very old-fashioned-looking woman, wore a maid-type outfit, held a large rag doll puppet, and spoke in a baby voice, and had a british accent. Or, at least, it sounded like one through the stupid voice.

Dolly held up the puppet. "Hello, children. I'm Polly the Puppet! What shall we do today? I know! Let's all clean our rooms!"

Wednesday pulled out her Satan hand puppet, and Harcourt spoke in what the Family commonly referred to as his 'Devil Voice.'

"Hello, Polly," he said in a high, cold, and mocking voice, completely devoid of emotion. "I'll clean my room. In exchange for your immortal soul."

Wednesday made the devil puppet rub its hands together.

Dolly ran out five minutes later, and the children had a grand old time playing Puppet Torture with Polly and Satan. And a three-eyed Cabbage Patch doll.

The Dawn of Debbie:

The cousins had all returned to the mansion after Dolly left, and they all were playing . . . Games . . . With some dolls they'd bought from the local toy store earlier in the summer when Emily noticed a car pull up. Or rather, one of her cats. NeeChee, did, and got her attention.

It was another new Nanny.

Crap.

The children all made a mad dash for the hallway and got down to the third level above the entrance hall when someone knocked on the doors.

Lurch opened it, and in came a thin blonde woman in a low-cut white dress.

"Hello," the woman said, in a VERY annoying voice. "Addams residence? Ooh, it's old!" She wass perky and talkative. She looked at Lurch, who grunted. "And big… "

ALL of the cousins took an immediate disliking to her.

Morticia came down the main staircase, and glanced up at the children, but otherwise ignored them. "Lurch."

Blondie turned to Morticia. "Hi! Hi, I'm Debbie Jellinsky from the agency!"

"The agency?" Morticia asked, surprised, "But they claimed no one else was available. They suggested a Doberman."

'Debbie' shrugged. "Surprise! I've been out of town. Are you the mom?"

"I am Mrs. Addams."

Debbie smiled, showing all of her teeth.

"Who is she supposed to be?" Edgar whispered. "Gilderoy Lockhart?"

"Or a cheap female impersonator," Emily told him.

They turned back to what Debbie was saying. " - your dress! It's so tight!"

Morticia smiled at her. "Thank you. Gomez! I believe we may have a new nanny. Miss Jellinsky."

Debbie grinned. "Deb." she told them, shaking their hands. "Isn't he a lady-killer!"

Gomez removed the cigar from his mouth to correct her, "Acquitted."

"I can show you all my references so you know I'm not a homicidal maniac."

"I'll bet you anything that she is one," Eddie muttered.

"Of course you're not."

"You're too young."

The children all snorted at Gomez and Morticia's remarks.

"Stupid people. He HAS met his own kids, right?" Vendetta asked her new adoptive siblings.

The other children ignored her and continued glaring down at the new Nanny.

"Who's up for killing Cabbage Patch dolls?"

…..

In small burning room, The children were taking turns hanging a Cabbage Patch doll from the ceiling, wearing protective gear and approaching her with blowtorches. As the adults came in, they turned off the torches and raise their helmets.

Morticia spoke first. "Children, this is Miss Jellinsky, our new nanny. What do we say?"

Wednesday looked at the cousins, and they all turned to Miss Jellinsky and said together, "Be afraid. Be very afraid."

Debbie smiled at them and stood on her knees in front of Harcourt, Wednesday, Pugsley, and Vendetta. "Look at you – all cooped up in this house with a new baby… that's not easy, is it?"

Pugsley shuffled his feet some. "No…"

Debbie gave him a wide smile. "Why, I bet you sometimes wish it was still just the four of you."

Wednesday and Vendetta gave each other Looks. "Or less," Wednesday drawled.

"Well, don't you worry! Everything's going to be just fine." She turned and mouthed to Gomez and Morticia, "I love them." Thing jumped onto her shoulder.

Morticia rolled her eyes. "Thing, stop that."

"He likes you," Gomez declared.

He laughed when Debbie kissed Thing's fingers. Thing fell off her shoulder backwards onto the floor. Debbie smiled. "I'm good with my hands."

The children made retching noises to the blonde bimbo's back.

…..

'Debbie' slept across the hall from the children, in a new 'nursery' with beds for all of them, and assorted torture implements. The plants were all well away from the window, after Ellen, Wednesday, and Harcourt all moved their precious darlings. Berenice and Morella got the most sunlight, the poor dears.

All in all, the children were in very bad moods when they heard Morticia tell Debbie to scream if she needed anything, and Eddie got slapped behind the head a lot when he said that her watching "America's Most Disgusting Unsolved Crimes" was a somewhat redeeming quality.

He was the only one that thought that.

The next morning, the three eldest Addams kids got to watch as their plan to kill baby Pubert failed.

Again.

This time it was Debbie's fault. She would die a very, very painful death. Vendetta, who was watching them with popcorn, suggested electrocution in the basement.

She picked the baby up just as they let the anvil go. She could have at least let the anvil fall on her if not the Pubert! A large hole was smashed in the floor. Wednesday, Harcourt and Pugsley looked at one another, exasperated. It shouldn't be this hard to kill a baby! Debbie walked up the main staircase, meeting Gomez and Morticia on their way down.

Morticia reached into a hidden pocket in her dress and pulled out a list of numbers for the blonde Nanny. "We'll be going out for most of the morning." She said, handing Debbie the piece of paper. "All the important numbers – police, fire department, morgue."

Gomez turned and shouting up the stairs as they reached the doors. "Fester, come along."

The children were happy to see their Uncle avoid Debbie on his way down.

Debbie tried to get his attention anyway. "Goodbye, Fester."

"Say goodbye to Debbie," Gomez told his brother.

Fester went back over to the woman and mumbled something the children didn't catch nervously, then ran out after Gomez and Morticia.

Debbie waved to them. "Have fun!"

AN/AR: WELL,that's it for now, I'm mostly re-writing the script from the Addams Family Values movie, but don't worry, I plan on adding in some of my own work. I'm trying to make sure that I use the characters equally, but it's harder than I thought it would be, what with there being . . . *counts* . . . Eight Addams Cousins, not counting Pubert, and I haven't even GOTTEN to the pets yet! I may just have to type up Ernest Drake's Compendium someday, because it takes AGES to re-type it from reading. I vote do it once, then just cut and paste. I wonder it it's an E-Book . . . .

Mercy. 10:17 PM August 6th, 2010 Anno Domini.

Post-AN/AR: TWELVE PAGES! 0.0 XD.