Thus A Ridiculous Application

Written by Shaun Garin

In hindsight, I had to wonder why the Department of Mysteries had a Gateway to Death hanging around in the middle of their department. I mean, there isn't any LOGICAL point to it, but since when were wizards very good about logic at any rate?

I suppose it all began like all good stories: I got shot and I fell through the Death Gate thingy.

The next thing I noticed, I was laying in a cot somewhere in the middle of Japan. Contrived? Maybe. But I was going "Oh hey that curse REALLY hurt, um ow?" last I checked.

The NEXT thing I noticed was the distinct lack of pants, and the woman with green hair standing in front of me, gazing down impassively. "You are awake," she said in flawless English.

"Bwuh?" was my witty reply. Not only this woman was stunning, she was perfect. I don't think I've EVER seen a witch pull off the exotic Japanese Beauty thing with green hair before, and considering my lifestyle… oh right, I'm rambling. "Pants?"

"Your things have been cleaned," said the woman, handing me the robes and undergarments I had been wearing. Well, I suppose that was a good thing then.

And that's what brought us to this point in time. It seems that when I was thrown through the gate, veil, whatever, the shock was so much that my body fragmented and was hurled back to this parallel universe. A world where Hogwarts didn't exist.

On one hand, no Voldemort.

On the other, no Harry.

I didn't know either to laugh or cry, until the owner of the house walked in. She was a tiny little thing, dressed in black lace and silk in a style that screamed bedroom. Like she was planning on seducing an old gent like me. Ha ha, fat chance of that.

"You're awake," said the girl smirking. "Not often we get a visitor from another world beyond Magic Mundus. I'm impressed your soul stayed intact through the shock."

"Excuse me? Could someone update me on the situation please?" I inquired. "This entire situation is bollixed."

In reply, the woman tossed me a book. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. "Read it," she ordered. "And then we'll talk."

I opened the book like it was going to slurp my face off.

Most. Surreal. Three. Hours. Ever.

Well, it would have taken me longer, but like any good Gryffindor, I flipped to the end.

Well… bollucks.

"You skimmed," said Evangeline A.K. McDowell as Sirius joined her at the dining room table.

"I'm a Gryffindor. I always get to the point," retorted Sirius Black as Chachamaru Karakuri calmly served up a cup of tea which he gulped down before it was refilled. "And I didn't get any explanation beyond 'Read this.' Speaking of which, who are you and where am I?"

The blonde vampiress smirked as she traced a pattern on the ground. "I am Evangeline, and this is Mahora City in Japan. As for where you came from, it's a parallel world. Don't look too surprised, I'm well versed in the idea of other worlds. Comes from living for so long."

Sirius gave her a look. "So long?"

"Yes." Replied Evangeline, deeming not to elaborate. "Though I was a little surprised when you appeared in my Diorama suffering from curse wounds. I got you fixed up but you've been out of it for the last three days."

Sirius nearly toppled his tea. "Three days?" A sobering thought came to him. "There's no way back is there? Otherwise I would have come "charging out through the veil" when I was knocked through it."

"Nope," replied Evangeline. "I'm honestly surprised you survived the trip though."

"The veil. What is it?" inquired Sirius.

"Who knows. It's hinted that the souls of the dead are behind it. It's inescapable at least according to the little chat Lovegood and your godson had after you bit the big one. But I figure your will to live was strong enough that you latched onto the closest source of powerful magic and you wound up here."

Sirius nodded somberly. "So now what?"

"Now? You read the last two books and then brace yourself. I won't have a fully grown man crying in my house." Replied Evangeline.

Men don't cry.

Bugger that.

I cried like a little baby. Over how the next two years for Harry went, and my joy at finding out that he had a wife and kids. I also cried for Remus' death and the loss of everyone else.

Chachazero, that creepy marionette that the woman had was citing I was being too loud and she should kill me. I stuck my tongue out at her. She took a swipe. Okay, never doing that again.

One of the things that I had to keep in mind that I was fictional in this universe. A strange perverse sense of pride welled in me. On one hand, I was a famous literary character.

On the other hand, the fen scared me. Especially those who shipped me with everything under the sun.

I'll never look at ever again.

A rapid introduction to Japanese culture was needed at that point. While a good chunk of this "Negi Springfield" kids class knew who he was, a mage, (hence not a wizard cause mage is way cooler of a word), I need to pass for a normal guy named, oddly enough Sirius Black.

Evangeline had yet to introduce me to her prize pupil, but I was getting ready for everything. It seemed that the kids were planning on going to this Magic World in order to look for clues to the kids father, a powerful mage.

I got to admit; their brand of magic makes the Avada Kedavra look like a child's torch. While not 100 percent lethal as the AK, I wouldn't mind learning how to throw some of that stuff if you get my drift.

Now if only I wasn't a thirty-something. Damn these Japanese, they raise hot women. It's shocking that they're all jailbait.

Well, I'm sure a couple of them aren't. But yeah. I digress.

On the next day I was fully mobile, I met Takamichi. Nice guy and it's good to have someone my age to talk to. He provided some insight on how the magic system worked, that Latin was used as the primary spell design, but further developed into longer chants and activation keywords. The much more powerful stuff that they termed High Level or Ancient level magic was all in ancient Greek. Takamichi wasn't a mage but he was still fairly powerful, even when I had my wand out which miraculously survived the trip.

On the third day, I was shown to breakfast at the Chao Bao Zi, a roadside stand that served food year round now that the festival was down. They opened up during the summer which was good. Great food, attractive waitresses, and that's where I met the rest of the faculty. Between Akashi, Seijirou and Niita, I felt like I was in school all over again. Shizuna was a total hottie but I could see she's got eyes for Takamichi who had become my unofficial wingman.

It was on the fourth day that I met the illusive Negi Springfield and his group of troublemakers, aka his class.

"Sirius Black? REALLY?"

Sirius grinned. "In the flesh. Straight out of the Harry Potter books. By the way, I expected better than just "fall through a veil". Done in by a rug. I tell you."

Negi's eyes were sparkling in admiration.

"Hey Negi, who is this guy again?" inquired Kotaro. "He looks weak."

"Kota-kun, this is Sirius Black, from the Harry Potter books! He arrived here via dimensional travel!" Turning to Sirius, Negi asked, "Can you turn yourself into a…?"

Pop. There sat a very large black dog, panting happily.

Negi squealed like a fan.

Takamichi laughed. "You're going to get a lot of fans following you around Sirius."

In a ripple, the man resumed his shape. "You're just jealous you can't do that Takamichi."

Takamichi laughed and Kotaro was staring in shock.

"Are you one of the dog tribe?" inquired the young hanyou.

"Hmm? Naw, I'm an Animagus. It means I can transform into a dog." Replied Sirus with a grin. "So you're Negi and you're Kotaro right?"

"Yes! We're very pleased to meet you Sirius!" exclaimed Negi in excitement.

Being a big fuzzy looking dog was a big hit with the women I got to admit. They all loved me, but there were some in Negi's group who looked at me suspiciously; the swordsman for one. At least until I resumed my shape, then there was a lot of staring and a few autographs.

Negi was hoping to get a Quidditch Game running, and I said I'd do my best to make a few brooms, a Quaffle and a Snitch. A little kid-like fun to go with the massive amounts of training which put me to shame. But I outdid the kids with a little trickery, and you would not believe what a Wingardium Leviosa would do to an attack run. I discovered quickly there was no way I could throw that much magic around without feeling faint, so I made up for it with tricks and wizarding know-how.

A leg locker hex here, a charm there, and even the use of the infamous Bat Bogey Hex. I think Negi has yet to stop sneezing bats out of his boogers. Most of my magic doesn't really work too well on Asuna, but that's what happens I suppose when your opponent has a natural gift of making charms, hexes and curses slide right off.

Years of being on the run had finally gotten me into the shape I wanted, and it wasn't like I was slacking off while being entombed within Grimmauld Place, but these kids were inexhaustible! It puts an old man like myself to shame. But I put up a good fight during training and my creative use of hexes was enough to give me an edge. In a straight fist to fist fight, I definitely didn't have the edge. They called me a Traditional Mage with a lack of a pactio partner.

There's another thing. Magic circle, kiss on the lips, voila instant Deus Ex Machina. My GOD I wanted one of those, but I wasn't ready to kiss a ten year old to do it.

… still thinking about it mind you. I really REALLY want a artifact.

In any case, if we had HALF the firepower these kids have, Voldemort would have been taken down in my first year of Hogwarts alone. Hell, I don't know if most of LONDON would have survived them, but it was the thought that counted. I would have loved to seen Bellatrix's expression after the ten year old whizbang of a teacher shoves a axe of lighting up her… ahem. Moving on then, familicide nonwithstanding.

It was probably, oh goodness about the twentieth day of training when I decided to get out and meet a few people. Unfortunately as it were, I wasn't quite allowed to move about in my robes.

So that's when two of them decided to take me SHOPPING.

I really have to learn my muggle times tables.