Happy wedding anniversary to our beloved Messthorne.

For as much as she stumbled she's running,
For as much as she runs she's still here,
Always hoping to find something quicker than heaven,
Make the damage of her days disappear,
Just like Guinevere...
-Eli Young Band's Guinevere

"Don't be mad at her," he pleaded as he watched his wife's best friend slam things around on the desk across from his after another phone call went unanswered. It had been two days since Austin had left New York City for the likes of Oakland, California for a yet to be determined length of time. "I talked to Andy for more than an hour last night and he said that she's barely holding herself together. She goes for walks and doesn't come back for hours, hardly talks or eats… He said the only one she'll let close is Dallas."

"I just don't understand," Lindsay told him quietly. "She was doing so well and then it was like she hit a brick wall. Was it… Danny, did she leave because of me? Because of me and the baby?"

Danny watched his partner curl her arms protectively around the small bump that had just appeared in the last few weeks and his heart broke for the woman. He scooted his desk chair around their desks to hers and placed a hand on her knee, smiling when she looked up at him. "Montana, she did not leave because of you or the baby. She is so damn excited for you two. I'm not supposed to tell but there's a stash of presents in our hall closet already for that kid. She didn't leave because of you. And she didn't leave because of me and how distant I got after we lost the baby. She left… She left because she needed some space to figure out how to be Austin."

She furrowed her brow and he sighed. "She could have done that here."

"No," he told her firmly and pushed up his glasses. "She couldn't have. If she had stayed then everything would have stayed the same. She would have kept putting all her demons on the back burner instead of facing them and it scares me to think what might have happened to her if she hadn't decided to confront them. Austin has a whole world of hurt living under her skin. She's never really dealt with the abuse her dad put her through nearly every day for eight years. She never really dealt with Andy and Flack and I abandoning her when she needed us the most – she nearly died because we left her to fend for herself. She compartmentalized all of that instead of dealing with it for all these years. Then you add in losing Claire and then Aiden, Tristan taking her hostage, and losing our baby. She's just finally met her max capacity for being able to shoulder it all."

"But why California?"

"She'll be back, Montana," Danny promised. "She will be back. Andy called last week; Michael's birthday is in a few days and he wanted to see if she could get the time off and stay for a week. I guess they talked for hours and Austin decided to take a leave of absence to go stay with them for awhile. It's a good thing, Linds. I watched her cry for almost two days straight before she left. If this helps her then I support it."

"I just wish she would have told me that herself," Lindsay said with a sniffle and tears pooled under her eyes. "I would have understood."

"She knows that," Danny promised. "You two understand each other almost better than she and I understand each other. Depression or whatever this is doesn't change the fact though that she is still Austin and she'll do things her own way. This is her doing it her own way."

Lindsay nodded and relaxed back in the chair. "I miss her already."

"Me too," he told her with a nod. "Just keep loving her. Don't give up on her. She needs us."

"Okay." She eyed him for a long few moments before patting the hand that rested on her leg. "Do you want to come over for dinner tonight? I know you'll live on nothing but Ray's and Chinese takeout without Austin here."

"Montana," he told her with a grin. "I do that when Austin is here too. I'll never say no to a home cooked meal however."

She gave him a small smile, just enough of one to let him know that she would be okay. "Alright, cowboy, dinner's at seven."

The foamy surf lapped at her feet as she walked along the shoreline as the sun started to sink beyond the horizon. A chill was in the northern California air and she regretted not bringing a sweater with her down to the beach but the water itself was still warm from the sun beating down on it all day. She heavily contemplated wading in but she was in denim and had left her suit back in the guest room of her brother's home; however tempting the surf was, she didn't fancy the four block walk in clothes soaked in salt water.

"Aunt Tin," Dallas called from the parking lot on the other side of the sand. The raven haired woman in question looked up and smiled softly, waving at her niece who took off like a rocket from her mother's side across the sand to collide with the taller woman. "You have been gone since breakfast. What were you doing?"

"Exploring," Austin explained as she dropped a kiss to the crown of her niece's head, raking her fingers through the riotous curls that matched her own. "Sometimes I just need to be alone, sweetheart."

"Cause of the sadness," Dallas riddled out. "You like to hide your sadness, Aunt Tin."

Austin sunk to the driest sand she could find and pulled the little girl down beside her, wrapping her arms around them both. "You're right. I do hide my sadness. It's not something I'm very good at dealing with and I tend to be kind of stubborn and try to fix everything on my own."

"Mommy always tells us that it's okay to ask for help."

She smiled. "And your mom is right as usual."

"Hey Dally," her big brother cut off his daughter before she could impart some more sage wisdom in a way only the under ten crowd could. "Why don't you go help your ma and Mikey build a sandcastle."

Dallas looked like she wanted to protest but flicked her eyes to her mom and little brother down the beach a ways before letting out a sigh. "You'll come home for dinner?"

"Sure, kid."

Andrew sunk into her spot in the sand as she ran off to help with the sandcastle building. He looked out at the surf as he nudged his little sister with his knee. "She thinks you hung all the stars in the sky, you know?"

"It's gonna suck when she figures out I've got feet of clay just like everybody else."

"She'll get over it." He cleared his throat. "I talked to Danny last night, Rin Tin Tin. He's worried about you, you know? He doesn't want to pressure you – knows that it has only been a few days but I think it would help a lot if you would just talk to him."

"I can't." She felt like a little kid again, afraid of everything and unable to trust the ground she stood on. "I just hurt him. All I ever do is hurt him."

"You know that isn't true," Andy protested. "He's loved you since he was seven years old, Austin. He was supposed to be my best friend but even I figured out pretty quick that the only reason he kept coming back was because he was hung on your every breath."

"I know he loves me," she told him. "And I love him, Andy. I've never loved anybody else. Not really. I tried like hell but I just couldn't. Love has never been the problem. I just... I hurt him. I do stupid reckless things and I hurt him. I lose our baby and I hurt him. All I have ever given Danny Messer is a hard time."

"You need to forgive yourself, little sister."

"It's hard to do when you're the common denominator in the shit storm that is your life."

Andy's arm hooked around her shoulder and he pulled her close, dropping a kiss to her head. "Your baby didn't die because of you, Austin. It was a horrible and tragic accident but it was just that, an accident. Bad things happen to everyone but unless you start looking for the good in the middle of the all the shit then it's never going to get better."

"My head is just so muddled." She leaned into his side and closed her eyes tight to keep the tears at bay. "It hasn't been this bad since right after daddy nearly killed me, when I nearly killed myself."

She glanced up at him but he stayed silent through her revelation, waiting for her to explain herself.

"I was basically agoraphobic," she continued. "PTSD is a bitch, you know? I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without something setting me off. Danny was on the road a lot playing ball and Don was at the academy and you... you were just gone. And I was so alone. The guys tried to be there as much as they could but they had their own lives that they had to live. One day it all just got to be too much and I had it all planned out – these pain pills and sedatives they gave me at the hospital all lined up two by two and a big glass of water, wondering how many it would take until I was just gone. But I couldn't do it. Couldn't do that to Danny. He came home to me as a sobbing heap on the kitchen floor and that's when we decided that I needed to go to therapy."

He was silent for another long moment as he processed what his little sister, the girl he had put on a pedestal so long ago, had told him. "Do you think that therapy would help now?"

"I don't know," she told him honestly. "Maybe."

"Do you feel suicidal now?"

"No," she said decidedly. "I'm just apathetic. If the tide came and swept me away, if my plane had crashed, if I got clipped by a car, would any of it matter? Wouldn't it just be better if I was gone? Me and all my bad luck just eradicated from this world."

"No." His voice sounded like their fathers when he was angry but his body language was still passive as he held onto her. "We'll do what we have to but those thoughts are going to stop. I don't care what it takes. You belong here, Austin. We all need you so much. I don't want to think about a world without my baby sister in it. Dallas idol worships you for a reason. God, Austin, it would kill Danny if you left us. And all those people back in New York who care about you. Don Flack. The Messers. Mac and Stella. That friend of yours that you're always talking about, Lindsay – right? We all need you here, Austin. We all love you so much. And ma, Austin. Ma and daddy – whether you ever forgive him or not – they love you."

"Andy," she breathed his name shakily. "I don't want to leave. I really don't. My brain just keeps thinking these things without my permission."

He held her tighter. "Did your therapist last time give you a name for it?"

"Post traumatic stress and situational depression," Austin told him quietly. "I don't like this. I don't like being scared of my own brain, Andrew."

"I know you don't but we'll get through this," he promised. "We'll get you through this. I know that I wasn't a very good big brother for a long time but I'm here now and I am going to get you through this, okay?"

She nodded. "Okay."

That evening after dinner, bath time for the kids, and three bedtime stories read by Aunt Austin, she was finally alone again as Michelle settled for the night and her brother left for work. She climbed into the big empty bed in the guest room and relished the way the cool sheets felt on her sun kissed body; being outside in the fresh California air seemed to be the one distraction that worked other than her niece and nephew so she had spent most of the last few days outside – running, walking, just disappearing for short bursts of time.

Propping herself against the headboard, she unplugged her phone from the bedside charger and noted that today had only brought about four missed phone calls and three voice messages. She entered her passcode and put the phone on speaker as the first message began to play.

"Hey," the voice of her best friend greeted her. "I'm angry at you but I still love you and I just want you to know that. Danny explained a few things and I don't really understand but I think maybe I get it a little bit now. And just... come home soon, okay? I'll make sure Danny and Elvis stay fed and cared for. I love you, Austin. Come home."

Save.

"Austin Grace." That was the voice of Stella Bonasera. "You have worried the absolute hell out of us, I'll have you know. Look, kiddo, I know you've had a lot going on so if you need to hangout on the coast and clear your head then I think you've earned that but couldn't you have taken him with you? Ugh. No. Okay. I didn't call to guilt you. I just want you to know I love you. Regardless. No matter what happens. I'm in your corner, kid. Just call me soon, okay? I'll keep an eye on Danny for you. And Flack. And Lindsay. Even though they think they don't need it. I love you. Bye."

Save.

"Hey baby." There was the voice she had been waiting on. "How's the left coast? I bet you're soaking up all the sun you can, aren't you? New York is already turning gray and gloomy and it's barely September. I took Elvis for a run today and I don't think he likes it as much as runs with you but he'll just have to deal. We're okay. We miss you lots though. I love you so much, sweetheart. Never doubt that. And I'm proud of you, Austin. I know this is hard but I am so proud of you. I love you so much."

Save.

Austin sighed and bit her lip, running her finger over the screen as she swiped to her call log and hovered briefly over his name before tapping the screen. It only rang twice before she heard his thick accent on the other end of the line. She gave a small smile as she greeted him. "Hey babe."

"It's so good to hear your voice," he told her softly. "Your actual voice. Not that I don't love your voicemail recording but I've missed this. You."

"I miss you too," she told him as tears clouded her green eyes. "Danny, I love you so much. You know that, don't you?"

"Of course I do," he promised. "Baby, I know you didn't go out there because you don't love me."

"God, Danny, I'm so fucked up."

"No, you're not." He paused for a moment and she heard him take a breath. "You're just working through some stuff right now."

"My thoughts are scaring me again like they did before. I'm sorry I didn't tell you this time."

"I think I knew," he told her. "You know you belong here. You know that none of us want you to leave us."

"I know."

"I love you with all my heart, Austin Messer."

She couldn't keep the tears from falling as she stifled a sob in her pillow. "I love you back, Danny."

"How can I help you, sweetheart?"

Pulling the blankets around her like a cocoon, covering her entire body including her head, she felt safer. "Can you just tell me about your day?"

"We'll go backwards and start with my favorite part," he told her. "Other than this phone call that is. I had dinner with Lindsay and Adam tonight. She misses you like crazy and I miss you like crazy and Adam is kind enough to put up with the both of us moping around. So they had me over and Lindsay made her chicken and dumplings again – comfort food, ya know? Anyway, she sent me home with a huge container of leftovers so she's like my second favorite person on the planet right now. And she gave me a picture of our little niece or nephew to be."

"She gave you an ultrasound photo?"

"Yep. It looks like a little peanut right now but its head is huge so they're probably going to be smarter than Adam and Lindsay combined and takeover the world."

Austin let out a small laugh. "Will you take a picture and text it to me?"

"Of course I will."

"How's my boy," she dared to ask. "Has he made you totally nuts yet?"

"Elvis is fine," he promised. "Without you in the bed, he has a little more room and doesn't completely shove me off the other side."

"You're letting him sleep with you," she asked. "Daniel Messer, you old softy."

"I miss you," he confessed quietly. "He helps. Makes it a little easier to sleep – except for when his paw is lodged in my spleen."

"Danny, I'm really tired," she told him honestly. "Crying all the time like I am right now just kind of drains me but can you stay on the line until I fall asleep? You don't have to talk about anything specific. I just need your voice."

"Do you want me to sing," he offered.

She shivered at the thought; he didn't sing often though his voice was beautiful, his singing is why she had kissed him the first time when she was twelve years old. "Do you even have to ask?"

"Any requests," he countered.

"Surprise me," she suggested. "I love you."

"I love you, sweetheart," he swore before he began to sing. "She never mentions the word addiction in certain company, yes she'll tell you she's an orphan after you meet her family..."