Author's Note: Again major thanks to Brandywine for beta-ing my fic. Enjoy ya'll. lemme know what you think.

Epilogue

Most of her year and a half spent on Serenity was a jumble. She remembered a lot about what had gone on, but it was never in any kind of order nor did it make a lot of sense to her. It made even less sense to the others around her as she failed to communicate, most of the time, what she was trying to say.

Everything hit her all at once and did so with such intensity she couldn't assemble all the bits together. She couldn't help but feel everything, her emotions clouded her rationality and no matter how many times Simon asked her about what happened to her in the Academy, she just couldn't explain.

Other people's thoughts and feelings invaded her head along with secrets she didn't want to know. She couldn't clearly access everything as it all overlapped and it seemed that everyone was shouting at her. She was crazy.

She was everything he said she was.

Yet now, it had all changed.

The secret was revealed. The moment they saw the poor woman on Miranda and when the Captain had transmitted the signal from Universe's moon, the weight lifted off her mind. The pressure eased as the truth behind the Reavers became known and her purpose was recognised, River Tam felt relieved. More normal.

Not completely. Never completely.

There were other secrets hidden within and they still battled against her to be kept hidden away. She would find out, she would know and one day in her life there would only be the noise of people's thoughts and not the pain of resistance.

Today, she found out another secret. One she had forgotten.

Sleep was deep and restful. Those kind of nights were rare, very rare, but whilst in REM slumber, she felt the other's voices fade, almost as if a decreasing tide dragged away from her wrinkled shore.

The sea was the rest of the verse, continuously and eternally crashing upon her. Now as the tide pulled away, it revealed wrinkled sand, an eroded coastline that was River Tam. In between the bumps of her brain, the thoughts, the water of others still remained, but only as mere trickles, hardly audible emotions.

However beside the numerous pools that belonged to those she had formed strong ties with, (Simon, Mal and the rest of the crew) there was one that fascinated her. It had grown considerably, it was just as large as Simon's and it had opened up and extended beyond the confines of the rock barriers that had kept it secure from the others. The murky depths were clear now.

Jayne?

River bolted up in her bed and remembered everything. His behaviour made sense to her now, his anger and hatred, the betrayal on Ariel.

Tears strolled down one side of her cheek.

"I forgot," she gasped, slipping out from under the covers. "I was bad! His resentment was my fault!"

River scrambled up off her bed and scurried to the door where she threw it aside so hard, that it nearly came off the runners. It crashed loudly, waking Simon and Kaylee up from their own sleep, but River didn't care.

She had thought she had been awake. The truth was finally out and now there was this. River couldn't understand how she missed it, her mind calculated and theorized the possibilities as she hurried through the ship, stopping for nothing, caring little if she disturbed the crew.

The stairways and the mess hall were blurs, in fact she didn't even recall slamming open the hatch to Jayne's bunk and jumping down.

Through the darkness of his room, River saw him lying on his front with his legs hanging over the edge and his face smooched into the pillow, muffling the snores. Well, he was pretending to snore. His concealed hand wasn't fondling at his groin, it was holding a weapon.

"I'm sorry." She approached the bed, cautiously.

There was a growl followed by an angry mumble from the folds of the pillow.

"Git outta my bunk, moon brain. Else I'm gonna re-decorate my walls with your innards."

Threatening, hostile and mean, he was being himself but she knew the reason why. Jayne Cobb wasn't the big bad wolf all of the time, he wasn't as mean as people thought he was.

"I came to say I'm sorry that I forgot." River said, crouching down level with Jayne's head. A single eye opened and scowled at her, and Henrietta's barrel peeked out from beneath the blanket.

"Well ya done it. Now scram."

She shook her head. Both his eyes widened and the blue fire within them screamed at her. He bolted up right and tried to shock her but she had expected that from him. He was so clear.

"No?" his voice warned angrily. "You break into ma bunk, disturb my peace just to say yer sorry? What is the matter with ya?"

River opened her mouth to speak.

"Ah! No! Don't even bother, ya feng le brat! We go down that list, we'll be here forever!"

River sank down onto her bottom and brought her legs up to her chest, resting her chin on top of her knees. Her lip pouted and she tried to put on the most apologetic look she could muster that might get through Jayne's anger.

"So many things are wrong with me," she agreed, which startled the merc slightly as he wasn't expecting her to do so. "But the man called Jayne is aware of what I am, what was done to me and I know that he doesn't hate me for being that. You don't blame me for what I've become. You hate me because I forgot and I am here to apologize."

"Huh?"

River gazed up at him, her head flopped to her right side and her eyes became glossy as she recalled the memories of a year ago. She squeezed tightly at her legs and sighed, it sounding so remorseful.

"In the Academy, the voices, the many secrets and plots were always screaming in my mind. I couldn't shut them out, I can't so they're always with me. Reality was a mere speck of light in the darkness, it flickered amongst the chaos and I couldn't grasp it. I couldn't grab it like a firefly and place it in a bottle to keep safe. But after Simon came for me, when I was put into cryo-stasis, there was a long period of peaceful calm."

Jayne wasn't going to say anything. Normally his response would have been to become rude and offer insults, but when River paused in her explanation, it was her turn to be surprised at his silence. Jayne sat on the edge of his bed, paying attention. It wasn't the kind of pretend attention he was giving her (whilst his mind secretly thought of guns or knives and food) he was listening intently, his expression curious as if for once he actually wanted to hear what she had to say.

"Only a few thoughts penetrated my cocoon. Simon's…I've always felt him, my brother has such intense brotherly feelings towards me." River finally looked into his eyes. "There was one other's mind, strong, curious and soothing. Yours. I felt you thinking of me and so I reached out to you. You were so different to anything I felt and when you responded to my calls…."

"You finally realized, huh?"

River nodded and shuffled closer to the bed. She turned and leaned her head on the edge next to his leg. She remembered now.

"You helped me, you wanted to do so much for me and no one else had ever thought that except for Simon."

"I ain't ya brother, little bit." Jayne huffed softly.

"I know. What you did think about me, extremely vocal, physical…you thought those without even knowing me-."

Jayne shifted uncomfortably away from her. His whole body stiffened and then he got up from the bed and crossed over to the other side of his bunk in the pretence of washing his hands. River smiled as he rubbed his hand under the tap, even though he never turned on the water.

"It were only just what crossed my mind. Dint mean a thin'" he mumbled after a few minutes of aching silence. "Thought you were somethin' I could keep for myself, keep and probably sell on. Dint think you were a loony crazed government experiment gone wrong…thing."

"Government weapon." River said sliding up from the floor and crawling onto his bed. She ran her face over his blanket smelling gun oil and Jayne sweat. The aroma made something flutter in her abdomen, a warm pleasant flush. "You were excited because you thought there was a weapon inside…you were right. I am one."

"A dangerous one," he replied, now pretending to check his face in the mirror. "An unpredictable one."

"True, but when you knew I was a girl, it excited you. I always have and that has worried you immensely. It's why you were so mean to me."

Jayne spun round suddenly, the quiet, humble and almost regretful tone turning angry and spiteful.

"Are ya done talkin' now? Well done, moon brain…you remembered! Now get before I toss ya out and not just from my bunk!"

"Jayne, you have had these feelings towards me you didn't want to admit!" River snapped back, which surprised them both. She clamped her mouth shut when the threatening and angry Jayne glare bore into her eyes. She bowed her head and waited. The silence of auditory vocals was agonizing, so too was the older man's emotional confliction in her head.

"Ya still here? Are ya deaf now? Did cha not jus' hear what I said? Get!"

"You don't need to feel guilty any more Jayne." she uttered, fondling her fingers with anxiety. "Not for Ariel or for any of those things you said to me. I understand, I comprehend why you kept everything hidden and put on the angry man show for me and the crew. You like her…a lot, but you think you are a dirty old man, too old for the girl and it's not right. You think you cannot be yourself with her around, that she makes you weak and pathetic!"

"Right! That's it!" Jayne stormed over to her and grabbed her roughly by the arm. She didn't flinch or try to pull out of his grasp, River calmly allowed Jayne to drag her up off the bed and over to the ladder. He lightly slammed her against it, thinking she would "comprehend" his annoyance . "I don't go for young little things like ya, nor crazy whack jobs neither! So why don't ya get ya ass up that gorram ladder and away from me?"

River was determined. She shook her head again in defiance.

"I forgot!" she gasped, noting the hint of sadness in her tone. "I forgot what it was like to hear your deeper thoughts! Primal and strong! When I was awake, out of my box, all the conspiracies, lies and dirty little secrets came rushing back. So many new voices overlapped your own, I couldn't see anything of you except what was on the surface and just below. I saw the iceberg, its tip and the shallow jagged edges beneath. I didn't know! I forgot why you were hurting so much and why you wanted to take it out on me and the others. "

"You think you know me, moony?" he seethed right into her face making her feel his heated breath and the light spray of spittle. "I ain't a nice man and I can and will hurt ya!"

"But I hurt you first!" she screamed back, which made Jayne clamp a hand over her mouth. He was beyond angry, but River heard his mind screaming, saw his eyes belying his words. She trembled at his grasp, she shook as his body pressed against her but before he could push her away, her tongue poked from her mouth and licked his palm. His hand retracted and he staggered away from her, his face screwed up in horror and confusion as he wiped the wet River spit on his leg.

"I-!" He could barely get the words out, River could feel his turmoil, the struggle within him, however the Jayne he was so used to being won out. "Get! Get gone right now!"

She didn't want to. River's small body was shaking excitedly as she recalled the sensation of Jayne's thoughts. River remembered how exciting and comforting it was, an uncomplicated mind that wanted her so badly. He was very different from Simon. The stasis chamber had blocked out everything, it had made the voices and screaming quieter than whispers, but his weren't ever whispers.

His was one of the loudest screams she had ever heard.

Jayne is uncomplicated. Direct and to the point, except when it comes to having "feelings." Feelings he didn't understand or appear to want to either.

"I hurt you first by not responding or remembering. You hurt me back. We hurt each other! I forgave you, will you not do the same?"

"Forgive? Ya barge in my bunk at what-ever gorram hour in the gorram morn-!"

"If days and night were applicable, it would be approximately be fourteen thirty," she quickly pointed out to him.

"Half ruttin' two in the morn?" Jayne obviously hadn't realised it was that late in the night cycle, his expression twisted with confusion and surprise before returning back to anger. "MAL!"

He banged his hand on the metal of his room, hoping that the Captain would hear and come and help sort this situation out, make River leave. She couldn't help but smile, because Jayne certainly didn't want her to leave. He was putting on a show again.

"Fine," she said turning away from him and gripping hold of the ladder rungs. "I shall go. I thought that after Miranda, after all we have been through, you might have allowed and acknowledged-!"

"Go."

River felt a wave of upset, she swayed as a combination of her own and his regret swelled inside her. She realized that Jayne wasn't wanting to admit to his weakness or to the fact that there was something other than hate fueling him.

Slowly River climbed the ladder with her head hung low in disappointment. She never had any inkling that Jayne had felt like this towards her and she certainly didn't think that she could return it.

Yes he was physically attractive, rough and scruffy, yet the epitome of man-ness, but the way he treated others, especially her was all a façade.

He was happy here on Serenity. Jayne had finally found a home, just like she had, but it could have been so much more. She could have been his and that thought didn't repulse her in the slightest. She did know Jayne, probably more than he did.

"I'm sorry."

A hand grabbed hold of her foot before she could push open the hatch.

"Wait!"

She grabbed harder at the rung and nearly gasped with astonishment as she felt his hand smoothing over her foot and ankle, with gentle pleading strokes.

"You heard me? You really heard me?" River closed her eyes and propped her head against the metal. Her hand squeezed tightly and although she knew he had heard her, the overwhelming pounding of his astonishment was clouding his intentions regarding that knowledge. When there was nothing but his fingers still coiled and tingling around her bare foot, River had to look over her shoulder.

He wasn't looking at her. His eyes were closed, but then they opened again, focusing on the smooth cold skin of her foot and trailing up to her ankle and leg, before furiously shutting again. His grip on her ankle pinched harder. He was struggling so hard, so conflicted. River felt it too.

"I'm sorry, Jayne. For forgetting, for not replying to you, for cutting you. I'm so sorry."

"Speak to me?" his voice cracked, with that Jayne Cobb anger and a hint of sorrowful ache. "Speak to me again…"

"You can hear me? Hear my thoughts?"

"I'm goin' crazy, like you…ain't I?" Jayne mumbled.

"Not crazy. Connected. Bonded."

"How, moony? How is ya bein' in my mind even a good gorram thing? You tryin' to make me be like you?"

"No. Never. We're always alike."

"Like ruttin hells we are!"

There. It took just one moment of pure certainty from Jayne's mind that made River feel as if her chest had been crushed, her entire body broken and her soul was sucked from her shell.

He was rejecting her? He really didn't want to accept her apology and allow himself to truly feel what she was so certain… her shattered chest choked out a painful sob that she didn't think was possible and in a surprising surge of strength she scrambled up the ladder.

Jayne never released his tight pinching hold on her foot. He pulled down hard that River's grasp on the ladder broke and she fell tumbling back down. In that brief moment, she thought she would crash into the metal floor, but her training, her programming kicked in and her feet readied to land safely. She didn't land on her feet.

She landed in thick muscled arms that enveloped around her. Her back impacted with a solid heaving chest and was held against it for a long (oh my god) while, feeling the soak of sweat through his shirt and her night dress, before eventually being spun round. Her face hit into that same chest her back had felt and his aroma, his strong man scent made her go limp in his arms. She closed her eyes but then wrenched back open when a fist grabbed hold of her hair and pulled her head up.

Jayne's face was right next to her ear, breathing heavy and deep.

"This ain't natural. It ain't right. So I'm tellin' ya…."

"Stay? You want me to stay."

"Yeah, little Moonbrain. Gorrammit…." "Stay!"

Her body nearly came apart, she actually thought that she was going to explode all down her legs. River heard voices unwittingly all the time. Stray thoughts, residue of people's emotions, intentions…but no one, no one had had spoken to her with their mind, on purpose.

"Jayne…"

" Ya ain't goin' nowhere, little thin'."

"I'm yours now?"

"If ya wanna be."

"I do."

"So I am crazy?"

"Probably."

"Nah…I ain't crazy. I'm just a gorram idjit!"

That same "idjit" then did the unexpected.

His crushing motioning lips pressed against hers and River was once again slammed against the ladder. She felt her entire 'verse melt and sink into her. She felt him, everything.

It weren't wrong. It weren't ever unnatural.

It felt perfect. Right.