A/N This is based on spoon's Idiots Guide to making your Dark Lord twitch… on . It is not necessary to read the story but it is very funny and I would recommend it for a giggle. This is really made for a one shot but I might continue it for fun… Hope you enjoy it!

A lone owl swooped in to the dark room which was currently occupied by the Dark Lord and numerous followers. The owl stood out with its snowy feathers and was recognised to the Boy-Who-Lived familiar. The Death Eaters all wore confused and shocked expressions at the scene, all of them wondering why the boy was writing to their master and whether or not the boy was really on their side. Many of the occupants of the room began to fear that if the boy was on their side; their actions from the previous years would cause them punishment. Especially those such as the Malfoys who had made Potters life hell.

Voldermort started at the owl in bewilderment and shock. Why would Potter write to him? He had an obsession with the boy that was for sure. It had nothing to do with the Prophecy. He knew the boy was gay, it had been printed all over the papers and that had some how sparked an interest and longing from the Dark Lord, although he had no idea where it had come from. He had always tried to kill the boy; after all if he couldn't have him then neither could anyone else. Therefore the letter that the owl was carrying was a shock.

The letter was dropped on the lap of the Dark Lord and the familiar left abruptly through the window leaving all the occupants puzzled at the exit. The Dark Lord lifted the envelope and then stared at his followers.

"Leave!" He commanded to the men and they left quickly so not to anger their Lord, despite their curiosity.

'Well,' Thought Voldermort, 'lets see what the boy wonder wants'.

And he ripped the letter open and began to read.

To My Beloved Dark Lord Mouldy Warts

I know that this must be strange for yourself to receive mail, especially as there is "no post on Sundays", but I felt that I must write to you to express both my concerns and about your side and task which I feel would "help you on your way to greatness" as the Sorting Hat suggests. After all you have always been there for me as a form of farther figure and I wanted to help you out as much as you have helped me. You have taught me to study hard if I wish to live and what is right from wrong. This has left me with an idea to help you to create a better dark side that you can then offer me which, for once, will actually appear tempting.

Now for my suggestions…

I was wondering if you had ever seen your muggle father, or seen a picture of your muggle father in his youth. I have enclosed one for you to look at and to compare with. You two were quite alike before your re-birth and you both were hansom, tall, and dark/mysterious. I wonder why you did not revert to that same appearance when you re-birthed considering what it cost Wormtail, myself and your muggle father. I mean, if you looked how you did, I would seriously consider joining… heck I may even date you.

My ideas turn to your financial situation. We know in this current climate that running a business can be very costly and hard, with many businesses going bust due to the recession. Going over the figures and your total income, I can't help but wonder how you survived as a business all these years. Therefore, I suggest a monthly or annual membership fee for being a Death Eater. This way you would gain more income to spend on torture devices, cell maintenance and any extra costs that you would need for battles and so forth. After all the continuous supply of cloaks and masks must drain your resources for each new recruit.

Which is another thing, what the hell were you thinking when you chose those outfits? I mean, I know you started up in the seventies or something along those lines but those outfits are terribly outdated and I believe that you should update the uniform to reflect the current time and fashion choice. I mean the colour black? Why does everything have to be black and white for you? Half of your followers are probably more neutral in magic but you insist they wear black. I feel I must point out that in for this season, is blue and green. I believe that most of your followers were in Ravenclaw and Slytherin so that would most likely not be a problem to them unlike the colour red which was in last season. Maybe now would be the ideal time to change your colour scheme.

In relation to colour, why not brighten up the Dark Mark? The thing is seriously ugly and I can not see myself ever being branded with the thing unless it is in the form of colour. What about hot pink? I believe that the hot pink would go rather nicely with powder blue robes. It would certainly be more fashionable. In fact I don't really see the point in marking your followers. It just makes it obvious they follow you and easier to spot them and put them in prison. A serious flaw in your ideas there. If you can not see this then I can suggest a good psychiatrist.

Although I feel that you would also benefit from a therapist due to your unhealthy obsession. Have you ever heard of Orochimaru? He had a very unhealthy obsession with a little black haired boy too… And Darth Vader… Little boys just aren't good for the Dark Side's business. We just screw with your heads and your work. You never win when you spend too much time trying to get vengeance that you will never have.

I often wonder if you could be considered a pervert. After all you want to get inside me so badly don't you? What with my possession in the Ministry and everything. You should have been kept away when you possessed Quirrell. I mean what Dumbledore was thinking letting a pervert in a school full of minors. He is no way fit to be Headmaster with all the things that go wrong in his school. I wondered, if Quirrell had sex when you were possessing him, would it be classed as a threesome considering as you were involved. Did he keep his turban on because otherwise they would have seen you? However if he went celibate, did you help him wank? Because that would be very confusing and in every sense of the word wrong! Did you talk dirty to him…

Your re-birth left you worse for wear. Did it leave you incompetent in bed as much as you are in a duel? Did you leave your nose in the soup bowl when you climbed out? I can recommend a good plastic surgeon if you can't find a ritual to change your looks. However image is more than just your body. You need to do something about your outfit. The Dementors called, they want their robes back! I know you have a hair brush but I believe at the current time, a shoe polishing kit would be more productive until you get your original face back. You should have just gone through the horcrux induced ritual. You would have just gained your old appearance and with less pain. Especially to me. Hopefully though, you would keep those red eyes of yours. They are super sexy!

You will also need to work on your speech impediment. You know the one where you hiss all the time. Your voice is rasp and you really need it to be deep and seductive… Then I would join you. Would date you too…

I also think I should introduce you to the rewards system. For each day that you don't kill, torture or maim someone, you will get a gold star on your sticker chart. Each time you get a weeks worth, you get a prize.

Hmmm… This letter is turning out to be me telling you what I want in a guy. Definitely weird…

Anyway, you also need to maintain your practice for when I foil your plans as it keeps happening often lately. I am not entirely sorry for that but then again you are torturing people.

Have you ever thought out being nice? If you're nicer then people would take your side willingly rather than forced like many are. Your orders would be carried out more efficiently and you would be able to conquer the world faster. There would be less punishments and deaths on your side because they would be more committed to you rather than feeling trapped. Besides, there would be less pain through my scar that way…

Anyway I am getting off track. I believe that each of these things would help you on your way to greatness and will increase your chances against the light.

Good luck with your plans to rule the world.

Hopefully you won't kill me and try to convert me… just only do it once you've over seen my suggestions.

Love

Your one and only boy wonder

The guy you'd like to date but can't with your attitude and appearance

Harry James Potter

Xxx

Well the boy certainly had guts. And apparently he also had a thing for the Dark Lord.

'Just as well', thought Voldermort. 'at least I now have a chance, although he didn't have to put it the way he did… Well I need to get started on his conditions….'