XXI. Finally Begin

We swerve onto my block and I cover my eyes as Steve hops the curb. "Shit, Steve!" I swear as his truck jolts and lurches, almost sideswiping our mailbox. Braking hard, he mutters his own choice curse and then cuts the engine.

We sit for a beat and then swivel our heads to watch Two-Bit barrel into the driveway. I give Steve a nod. "We beat 'im."

"Damn right we did."

Then I look back toward my house and see the two dark figures standing in the doorway. It seems as if time stops; the odd feeling of being home and the wrongness of being away. And then, suddenly, I'm out of the truck, skirting the front lawn and making a beeline for my brothers.

XxX

I grab the kid up and I just squeeze. His face is smashed up against my chest and I can't hear a damn word he's saying. Finally, shakily, I let him pull back. I can't believe it. He's only been gone a week but he's tall than I remember, his hair long and shaggy. My heart hurts. "Pony, I—"

He opens his mouth, "Dar—"

Ponyboy goes flying as Soda slams into him for a hug. It's practically a tackle as he knocks Pony onto his ass. They both land on the lawn, darkness shielding their faces, reminding me of the night Pony and I chased Soda after our one big fight.

Pony wriggles beneath Sodapop's grasp and they both pull away, laughing. Pony rolls up into a sitting position. Soda sits back on his heels and the two of them lock eyes.

"Kiddo," Soda says, "I missed you so goddamn much."

XxX

Despite the late hour, the house is warm. It's alive. Darry's dragged in the luggage while Steve's bitching to Sodapop about Two-Bit's stupid truck. Not one of my brother's has laid into me about my trip. But I know I'm in for it. The look in Soda's eyes on the lawn had said everything.

For now, I'll take what I can.

I pull my legs under me and settle on the couch. I stifle a yawn, watching Soda laugh, thankful to be back. Darry walks by, touching me on the back of the head and asking if I'm okay. I give him an answer he wants and he disappears into the kitchen.

XxX

Two-Bit finds me in the kitchen as I'm dumping some coffee grounds into a filter. It's going to be a long night, no one wanting to go to bed, instead staying up to catch up. Laughter floats in from the living room.

"So, uh, Darry…" He has his hands in his pockets, face solemn. "I, uh, wouldn't blame you if you wanted to pound me…"

I turn around and face him. "Two-Bit, I was plannin' on skinning you when you got back, you know that?"

He nods, curt. "Yeah, I had a feeling."

"And I still ain't happy but I'm gonna deal with Pony and hope that you…" I trail off and then snap, annoyance and anger getting the better of me, "Well…hell, Two-Bit, what were you thinkin? Takin him to California?"

"If you wanna get all technical, he's the one who took me, but," he hurries on, "that's neither here nor there. And for what it's worth, Dar, I'm sorry." He lowers his voice, wincing. "Really sorry."

I don't say anything, instead taking a mug from the cupboard as the smell of freshly brewed coffee fills the kitchen. Two-Bit pulls a chair out from the kitchen table and plops down. "If you want…you can hit me." He sticks his chin out and shuts his eyes. "Go ahead…"

I chuckle. "Is that gonna make me feel better or you?"

"Definitely me. Possibly you. Maybe Steve."

I pour myself a cup of coffee. "Do one thing for me."

"Name it."

"Tell him no, the next time he gets some stupid idea."

Standing, Two-Bit puts a hand over his heart. "I will. I promise. Scout's honor." He gives a grin and nods my way. "We good?"

"We're good. But one last thing…" I smile inwardly as Two-Bit automatically tenses up. "Thanks."

"For what?"

"For keepin' an eye on Pony."

Two-Bit's face softens almost imperceptibly. "Aw heck, ain't nothin to it. Although if you want to know, I shoulda been paid by the hour," he says, giving me a grin before joining the guys in the living room.

XxX

Ponyboy falls asleep on the couch. Soda covers him with a blanket and waves goodbye to Steve and Two-Bit. They close the front door softly behind them.

"You should go to bed too Soda," I tell my brother. "The state comes tomorrow."

"Yeah," Soda says. "I filled Pony in on our story."

"Lies, Soda. In on our lies."

He arches his eyebrow. "Hey, whatever works." He's quiet and then asks, hesitant, "When are you going to talk to him?"

"Tomorrow. You?"

"Tomorrow. I didn't want to ruin it tonight…ya know?"

"Yeah." My voice is husky. Not wanting to spoil Ponyboy's homecoming both Soda and I hadn't the courage to lay into our youngest brother.

Soda groans, wiping his face in his hands. "What is my problem?"

"We're chicken shits, Soda."

"Yup."

XxX

I wake up on the couch, rubbing my eyes and my sore arm. I use the bathroom, brush my teeth with my left arm and then find myself standing in the middle of the living room wondering what to do next. It's a strange sensation; like I left a part of myself behind in San Francisco.

I go outside, sit on the porch and light a smoke.

XxX

The door cracks open behind me. I turn and it's Darry, freshly showered and in one of his tight-fitting t-shirts and jeans. He sits beside me. "How're you doin, kiddo? You look tired."

"M'okay, Darry."

He sighs. "We need to talk, Pony."

I rub my hands on my jeans. "I know it."

"I'm gonna make this short."

"Sure, Dar." I can see he doesn't want to rehash gory details and for that I'm thankful.

"You're in deep shit, kiddo." Darry exhales sharply, like he's been holding all that in and then says, "I hope you got whatever it was out of your system in California because you're grounded, Ponyboy. For a long time. Dishes, dinners, they're all yours until I say otherwise. No parties, not even movies…"

"I know."

"I mean it, kid. You got a lot of trust to earn back."

"I am sorry, Darry."

There's a long silence. And just when I think we're done with the conversation, Darry clears his throat. "Why'd you – I mean, was it because…" Darry trails off, suddenly looking nervous and strangely sad.

I'm confused. "Was it what?"

"Look, I know things ain't been good between us for a while and that I shouldn't yell at you so much and I should listen more but that don't give you a reason to go running off like you did."

He swallows thickly and I get it.

Darry puts a hand on my back. "What if something had happened to you? And I couldn't have been there…or…or…" I keep my eyes on the ground, afraid to look at my brother because I really don't want to see his face.

"I'd never forgive myself, Ponyboy. Do you understand that?"

I don't know what to say. I just nod. Darry reaches out and tugs me over, closer to him. He kisses the top of my head. "You're a good kid, Ponyboy but so help me god, if Soda and I have to lock you in the bedroom for the rest of your life, we will."

XxX

Mrs. Burrows comes and goes. I repeat the story about camp that Soda's told me and she swallows it. I thank my lucky stars it's this easy and that I made it back in time. Darry walks her to her car, leaving me and Sodapop inside.

I grab the teacups, Mrs. Burrow's red lipstick smudged on the side of one, and head to the kitchen. I dump the cups in the sink and begin filling it with hot water. Soda follows me back.

"I know Darry gave you the lecture so I'll spare you, but the next time you do something like this," Soda crosses the kitchen and swats the back of my head, "I'm going to brain you."

"Hey!" I twist around, rubbing my hair. "Jeez, Sodapop, not you too."

"Yes, me too," he says. "You know, this is the first time in my life I've really wanted to kick your ass Ponyboy Curtis."

"So why don't you?"

"Because I don't want to hurt the one good arm you have. Especially now that you're on dish duty."

I raise an eyebrow. "Funny."

A smile snakes its way across Soda's face. "You better believe it, kiddo."

XxX

Things go back to almost-normal.

Darry's calmer. I even get to tell him and Soda some stories about the trip. I tell them about surfing and Haight Ashbury and the ocean. I don't tell them about the earthquake or the choking sensation that threatens to creep up on me when I think about it.

My brothers go to work while I stay cooped up in the house, taking care of chores, only going out to do the grocery shopping or cut the grass.

Two-Bit doesn't come by. Steve tells me he's avoiding Darry, which is understandable. And as much as I try to tell myself it's no big deal, it hurts. I miss him.

It's hard as hell not going to the lake or to the movies or even The Pass with Steve and Soda but I try to sit tight and stay out of trouble.

After all, it's my own making.

Night's the worst. That's when I dream. I dream of the ocean with its waves and dark spots and I go back to the earthquake, the bookstore and the close, shadowy quarters.

I lay awake at night, fending off sleep, swimming in a murky haze. Soda snores beside me but I don't breathe a word. My arm still aches even though it's healed.

XxX

Pearl's laughing as we enter the house. She clasps her hands together, whispering. "So I finally get to meet this mysterious, trouble-making brother of yours?"

Pony twists around at the kitchen table, eyes widening slightly. "Hey, Dar." A sandwich sits in front of him, a book next to it.

"Pony, this is Pearl," I tell him as Pearl heads towards him and Pony stands from his seat to shake her hand.

"Nice to meet you."

"Delighted," Pearl quips. "Wow, you are the spitting image…." She points at me and then back to Pony, waggling her finger. "Not sure if it's Darry or Soda…but you are a cutie."

He blushes and mumbles thanks. "How was dinner?" he asks me.

"Good. The house looks nice, kiddo," I tell him. In fact, the house is spotless, Pony keeping up his end of the bargain. As my eyes brush over the house and then fall back on my brother, I frown.

"Thanks Dar," he picks his plate up, dumping the remnants of the sandwich in the trash and then quickly washing his plate. He asks Pearl, "So you're the girl he met camping?"

I nearly groan. But Pearl laughs. "One of them," she tells him. This time, I do groan.

A sneaky smile appears across Pony's mouth. "Guess it's a good thing I disappeared for a week."

Pearl chortles. "Oh, I like this one." She plops on the couch. "Want to watch TV with us? That's okay, right, Darry?"

"Yeah, sure," I mutter, amused at Pearl's enthusiasm for my brother. She's a people person, reminding me more and more of Sodapop with her outgoing personality. I turn to Pony. "Kiddo, are you—"

"I'm tired," he says before I can get to the point. He smiles at Pearl. "Thanks but I think I'm gonna go read and then go to bed." He hurries out of the living room, leaving me and Pearl alone.

XxX

I suck in a scream and sit up in bed. Soda's nowhere to be seen, probably still out with Steve. Shakily, I turn on my bedside lamp, the yellow glow lighting up the room. It's the darkness that gets me every time.

I climb out of bed, heading for the door and when I open it, Darry's standing there. I blink. "What—?"

Darry rubs his mussed hair. "I thought I heard something. You're up."

"I can't sleep," I tell him. "I keep dreaming about…the dark."

Surprisingly, Darry understands. "Oh, kiddo." He places strong hands on my shoulders. "You know what..." He pulls me in and gives me a hug.

"What, Darry?" My voice comes out muffled against his t-shirt. He smells like soap and cologne.

"You'll be okay. It's just a dream." Flashbacks hit me, bringing me to this moment that suddenly feels exactly where I should be.

I squeeze Darry back just as hard. "You're right," I tell him, really meaning it.

XxX

Two days later, I nearly trip over Ponyboy. He's lying in the middle of the living room, on his back, holding a book I've seen him read two times earlier this week, high above him.

I tap the sole of his shoe with my boot. "Go."

He lowers the book, his green eyes big. "Go where?"

"To the library. I know those books need to be returned."

He sits up fast, almost in disbelief. "Really?"

I have to laugh as he scrambles up. "Yes, really. Now get out of here but Ponyboy—" He stops on his way to the door. "You get an hour, kiddo."

He grabs up his books, stuffing his wallet in his back pocket and then groans. "I have to pay for Moby-Dick."

"Yeah, I figured that. Next time don't go throwin books out windows."

He gives me a smirk and is almost out the front door before he stops and pops his head back in. "Darry, next time I go to California—"

"Ponyboy, so help me god—"

"You're coming with me," he finishes quickly, flashing me a beaming grin before flying outside, the bright sun ricocheting off the mesh screen. I shield my eyes, watching my brother go and feeling like everything's as it should be.

Pony and I—we're okay.

XxX

"Hey, kid, where're you headed?"

"None of your business."

"Aw, that's mean to say. C'mon now, those books look heavy."

"Ain't too bad."

"Want a ride?"

"Can't take rides with strangers."

"Well, that's a crock."

Ignoring the truck tailing me, I shift the weight of my backpack to the other shoulder, relishing my freedom if only for an hour.

"C'mon Ponyboy, don't be a stubborn ass," Two-Bit finally hollers. He honks at me and swerves over to the sidewalk, blocking my path. "Besides I brought you a present."

"What."

"This!" Smoothly, Two-Bit flashes me with a copy of Moby-Dick.

"Where'd you get that?" I ask, stepping forward.

"Bought it. Just for you. Figured you could use it to replace the one you trashed."

I reach for it again and Two-Bit pulls it back. "Now get in the truck and I'll give it to you." I roll my eyes but walk around to the passenger side and climb in. Two-Bit watches me for a minute and then sighs, handing over the book. "Look, kid, I know you're pissed I haven't been over. But I thought I'd let Darry cool off some."

"Yeah," I murmur, turning the book around in my hands. It's a new copy, the cover shiny and clean.

"'Sides," Two-Bit continues. "I've never been on a trip like that before. Being back's scary."

"You have dreams?"

"Kind of. More like shadowy figures in the corners."

"That makes sense."

"Only to you, kid. Only you."

I sit back in my seat, in the truck that Two-Bit and I took cross country not more than three weeks ago. A lifetime ago, if I'm honest about it. I evaluate my friend, rusty sideburns and all, and give him a grin. "Let's go then, I only got an hour."

"Look at you, Ponyboy Curtis listening for once."

"Shut up, Two-Bit."

Two-Bit revs the engine and peels out down the strip. I watch Tulsa pass by like a slideshow. "Tell me something, kid," he announces suddenly.

"What's that?"

"Would you do it again?"

I'm a bad person. I know it. To put my brother's through hell by disappearing, disobeying, and lying to them both. I want to tell Two-Bit that I'm sorry, so sorry, and never should have done it in the first place but then I think of the Golden Gate Bridge and I'm not that sorry.

I give him a look.

A smile curls on Two-Bit's face. "Yeah, so would I."

XxX

AND it's done.

Meh. I hope, hope, hope this ending is satisfactory. I wanted to tie it up – but not too neat. Loose ends are meant to be left. Please review if you so choose.

Thank you for reading. And bearing with me. And all your great feedback.

XO,

Feisty.