Disclaimer: All Happy Tree Friends characters are property of Mondo Media and its affiliates. They are not mine in any sense.

Happy Tree Friends: The Interview Tapes, Part Two

Unknown Busybody: After a hellish ordeal with that pimpled cucumber, I have recovered from my injuries and am returning to interviewing the lovable characters from the hit show Happy Tree Friends. This begins part two of the series.

Unknown Person: Send in the squirrel.

Nutty: (maniacal laughter, mixed in with variations of 'oooh!')

UP: Okaaaay… could you please try to calm down, Mr. Nutty?

N: Ha! Fooled you!

UP: Whoa! What?

N: I'm not really crazy! I just play one on TV! (giggles)

UP: Well you do seem energetic, though.

N: Oh sure, but I'm not even a sugar-fiend like my character on the show.

UP: Really?

N: Really! I mean sure I like sweets, but not as much as is portrayed. If you notice, I don't have any candy stuck to my fur right now.

UP: Ah yes, you're right. So off camera…?

N: Yep! This is the real me!

UP: Wow. I notice your eyes look the same.

N: Yeah… I was born this way. I think it's where the inspiration for my character came from.

UP: I see… so… do you have any romantic relationships with other cast members?

N: Blunt, aren't you? No… sorry. But we are good friends.

UP: Okay. Last question; how does your character prevent cavities or diabetes?

N: Have you seen the one where I got to the dentist? As for diabetes… ask the writers. Are we done now?

UP: Yes sir, you may leave the way you entered. Welcome Miss Petunia!

Petunia: Hi there! I'm a Sagittarius, I like long walks on the beach, and my favorite flower is my namesake!

UP: I'm sorry, but it's not that kind of interview…

Pt: Oh… okay.

UP: Don't be sad! This interview will be fun! My first question; you and Giggles are good friends, right?

Pt: Yep! On and off camera!

UP: That must be nice.

Pt: Oh it is! Giggles is just so cute! And she always showers!

UP: Ah yes, cleanliness is your number one priority, isn't it?

Pt: That's right! Close to godliness, and all that. I'm not any one religion, by the way.

UP: Ah ha. So anyway, your OCD is famous from the show. Are you the same at home?

Pt: Yes, but not quite as exaggerated. Appearances are very important to me, and so is hygiene. That reminds me! My turn-offs include smelly armpits, muddy boots, and facial hair.

UP: Um… okay… speaking of… whatever… are you involved romantically with any of the cast members?

Pt: Not anymore. But we're all still friends, so it's okay.

UP: That's all you'll say, huh?

Pt: Yep!

UP: Okay, you can go now. Thanks for your time. Next we have… Pop! This should be interesting…

Pop: Good morning! Hey, what is this place?

UP: Greetings, Pop. This is the interview room. First question; your full name is Pop Bear, correct?

Pop: No, it's just 'Pop'.

UP: Really?

Pop: Yes, but I am a bear.

UP: Huh. Interesting. Next; are you really a pipe smoker off the set?

Pop: I sure am. It relaxes me, and I feel sophisticated. Unfortunately, I'm the only pipe enthusiast in my neighborhood. But that's okay, because I can connect with people in other ways.

UP: Sure. So you're a father on the show… same off camera?

Pop: Why yes, Cub is in fact my actual son. Since he's too young for the stunts that the show uses, my darling boy is usually replaced by a dummy replica, then cleaned up in the editing bay by Computers. This is what the director told me, at any rate.

UP: Fascinating. Last question; how do your son's misadventures affect you after the shoots are over?

Pop: Oh, I know it's all just TV, if that's what you're asking. Does it change my parenting style at home? No, not really. I'm just a normal dad.

UP: Great! Thanks very much for your time, Mr. Pop. Next, Russel!

Russel: Yarr! Good morning, Mr…?

UP: I can't tell you who I am, sorry.

R: Yarr…

UP: So Russel, are you really a pirate? I mean, off the set of HTF?

R: Ya-harr! Well… not really. But I am a fisherman. I was actually kidnapped off of my small boat one day by some friends and taken to this audition-thing. They thought I fit the bill as a pirate, and since the people seemed decent and the money was good, I took the job. Little did I know how much insanity was about to ensue…

UP: Yes… so then, the eye patch and wooden legs… necessary?

R: Nope! It's amazing the tricks the costume department can pull off these days!

UP: And the hook?

R: Also a prop.

UP: I see. How does it feel being the only sea otter in the cast?

R: I don't have a problem with it. To be honest, I don't really hang out with my fellow cast members much when we're not filming. Not that we don't get along, because we do!

UP: Excellent. Thank you Mr. Russel, for your cooperation. Next!

Shifty: Hey there…

UP: Welcome, Shifty. Tell us a bit about yourself.

Sh: Um, I like Fedoras, and… I'm very close with my brother… what's this interview about?

UP: Well really it's about your work on the show HTF.

Sh: Right. Well, first I'll point out that my brother and me aren't thieves off set. Also, I do wear this hat all the time.

UP: Great! Well that's two of my questions down… and only two to go! Tell me, Mr. Shifty, what are the relationships like between you and the other cast members?

Sh: We get along. I don't really hang out with anybody more than anyone else, except my brother. You know Lifty and I really are related, right?

UP: Yes. Last question; are you presently or have you been in any romantic relationships with any fellow cast members?

Sh: No comment. I'm out. (sound of chair scraping)

UP: Er, right then… moving on. Sniffles! Welcome to the interview!

Sniffles: Salutations.

UP: For your first question; people seem to think of you as a "brain"… your comments on this, please.

Sn: Yeah, my character is definitely meant to be that way… which is a good fit for me, because it's in line with my personality off set!

UP: Oh, so you really are a nerd, then?

Sn: You bet! However, I'm more of a computer geek than I am a science nerd. I've never invented anything personally, but my character does all the time! I think this show has some of the best writing in recent history.

UP: Yes… okay… so what's with the ants?

Sn: Everybody wants to know about that! Geez… you know, I'm really sick of those guys. I mean, it's not like I eat ants or any bugs at home. Honestly, you'd have to ask the director. It was all his idea.

UP: Typecasting, huh? That seems to be a trend in HTF.

Sn: I guess. Everyone is very good at their assigned roles… Whoever cast the show really knew what they were doing.

UP: So tell me. How do you get along with the others on set, Mr. Sniffles?

Sn: Superb! There's great chemistry between everyone, and we always have a good time. I have my own friends in Chess Club and things outside of it, but yes, we all get along really well.

UP: So you play chess?

Sn: Most certainly.

UP: Good. So how do the stunts make you feel?

Sn: To be honest, at first I had nightmares… like you wouldn't believe… But now I'm adjusted. Sometimes I can even laugh at myself and enjoy the simulated abuse!

UP: That's a relief, I'm sure. So… any HTF romance for the token brainiac?

Sn: No… (sigh)

UP: All right, take a cookie on your way out. Next!

Splendid: Duh-duh-duh-Dah! (Heroic theme)

UP: Welcome, Mr. Splendid!

Sp: Please… it's 'Splendid'.

UP: All righty. So you're a super… hero, eh? That must be interesting.

Sp: Indeed, you are correct! But it's not easy, protecting Treeville USA from danger! As you may know, various hazards and obstacles occur in everyday life, and the cameras only serve to exacerbate things! Me and my amazing abilities are constantly in need, continuously put to the test!

UP: Inspiring! But, um… 'the cameras'?

Sp: Of course! Sometimes men with cameras appear and things… horrible things… take place! It is then my duty to rid the world of evil!

UP: Wow. You know it's just a show, right?

Sp: Poppycock! My identity is that of Treeville's one and only savior! My mission is clear!

UP: Riiiiiight… so, your Kryptonite is…?

Sp: An acorn! Where on Earth did they ever find such a horrible mineral?

UP: Must you shout?

Sp: My apologies, citizen!

UP: Any Lois Lane's for you then, Splendid?

Sp: Sadly, no, but there have been a few hopefuls.

UP: Okay. How do you get along with… er, the 'residents of Treeville'?

Sp: Being their hope and aspiration, I feel that the citizens of Treeville and I have an excellent repertoire.

UP: Right… What about these allegations that you, in fact, cause more destruction than you prevent?

Sp: Hogs wallop! I save the day! Such notions are ridiculous, and purely fictitious!

UP: Okay…. Last question; can you really fly?

Sp: Ha ha ha ha! (Heroic laughter) Of course! I'm a flying squirrel! But I'm also… not of this world!

UP: Amazing. (Irritated tone) That's all Splendid.

Sp: Isn't it? (Interjecting)

UP: Ha ha. (Annoyed) Good day, sir. Next!

Sp: Splendid away! (sound of roof shattering from Splendid's impact)

Toothy: Um, what happened?

UP: Splendid just left. Have a seat, Toothy.

T: Thank you. Um, what is this, again?

UP: Just an interview with the cast of HTF. Are you ready?

T: I guess so…

UP: Great! First question; how in the world did they make your eye stem so long?

T: Huh? Oh! The one with the… yeah… I still have some bad dreams… I don't know.

UP: Okay. Your front teeth have been called split. What say you?

T: Uh, that's accurate.

UP: What's it like?

T: Sometimes it really hurts… like right after I wake up. It's okay, though.

UP: Freckles?

T: Huh? Yeah… I have them… so?

UP: Okay. Not related to Handy and best friends with Cuddles?

T: Yes.

UP: Excellent. Oh! Here's one I forgot! Do you use your real name on the show?

T: Yeah. Actually, I think everyone does, which is really cool.

UP: Ah ha! Fascinating! Okay, next question; is there any romance in Toothy's life?

T: Personally? …I'm not at liberty to say.

UP: Oh come on…

T: Really, I'm not tellin'.

UP: Fine. Lastly, do you do all your own stunts?

T: Sure, but it's not as bad as it looks. They use a lot of CG, I think.

UP: Fantastic! Thank you so much for your time! There are cookies outside.

UP: To sum up, this has been my interview session with the full cast of HTF. Some revelations have been made, and I almost died, but all in all it was an enjoyable experience. Who am I? Well, that remains to be seen. Until next time, farewell!

(tape rolls in silence for a few seconds, then muffled voice)

Is it off?

(louder) Yeah, I think so, Skitchy.

Finally! Man, that was boring! I wish I wasn't so nervous and could've actually asked some good questions! Darn it…

Oh shit, it's still on!

What?

(fumbling, then silence)