Disclaimer: All Happy Tree Friends characters are property of Mondo Media and its affiliates. They are not mine in any sense.

Happy Tree Friends: The Interview Tapes, Part One

Unknown scientist/researcher: We will now begin an in-depth look at the residents of Treeville, USA and stars of the infamous web series 'Happy Tree Friends'. This private scholar of the animated world, myself, will ask a few key questions to each member of the HTF cast and gain new insight to the way they are off-camera. In this small, dimly lit room I have set up a table and two chairs. One is for myself, the other for my guests. I have arranged to do this alphabetically, so my first guest will be Cro-Marmot. Say hello to the tape recorder, Mr. Marmot.

Cro-Marmot: …

Unknown Person: Right. I forgot you can't speak through your icy shell. Okay then, moving on to… Cub. Tell us a little about yourself.

Cub: Gbaaa *farting sound* hee hee!

UP: Oh… yes… you're a little too young to talk, huh? Never mind. Sorry kid. Next, everyone's favorite good-times rabbit, Cuddles! Welcome to the session.

Cd: Hi. Thanks for having me.

UP: Now Cuddles, I've gotten requests and questions from fans of the show about you, and now seems like the right time to ask them. Firstly, how did you get your name?

Cd: What? Well, I guess I was born with it. How'd you get your name?

UP: Right, moving on, do you always wear those bunny slippers?

Cd: Yep! They're lucky!

UP: Well, I'd imagine so! Being rabbits' feet, and all…

Cd: What? They're rabbits! Not just the feet! I got them for my tenth birthday, and haven't changed my footwear since! They're actually surprisingly grippy.

UP: Next question: Is it true you and Giggles are something of an item?

Cd: Wow, asking the hard questions there, aren'tcha? Sure it's true. In fact, we're engaged right now. Those are all the details I'll say on that subject.

UP: Fine. Now, what about your red cheeks?

Cd: What about my red cheeks?

UP: Well… were you born like that?

Cd: Yes.

UP: It is said you're the "brave" one. What is your response?

Cd: It's true! Everyone else is either too scared or stupid to do cool stuff… well, except for my best friend Toothy. He and I are really good friends, even off the set!

UP: That's nice. So what horrible, mean-spirited gossip can you share with me about your fellow cast members?

Cd: Um… I don't really… want to do that…

UP: Okay, thank you for your time, Mr…

Cd: It's 'Cuddles'.

UP: Mr. Cuddles. Next!

(in the distance: Resistance is futile!)

Disco Bear: Oh yeeeaaah! (points in a disco-style at people who aren't there, then sits with feet on table and hands behind head)

UP: So what's shakin', Disco Bear?

DB: Me! Ha ha… I need to lose weight…

UP: Yes, that seems to be true. Now what of these rumors that you are in fact… a homosexual?

DB: Outlandish! I mean, just look at all the ladies lined up to party with me!

UP: I think you're deluding yourself, Mr. Bear. Moving on, why the fascination with disco culture?

DB: Simple. Disco was the breaking point. The place in time when partying was king, and everyone looked good. Sadly those days are no more, but I'm keeping the dream alive, brother!

UP: Word! Now, the 'fro…

DB: I know, isn't it perfect? (sound of hair fluffing)

UP: Um, yes. Now how about some deep insights; some glimpses of character that you want to share with the world. Something apart from disco, if you please.

DB: Well… uh… you mean… disco isn't enough for you?

UP: No.

DB: Hmm… I collect vinyl.

UP: Okay, I think we're done here. Thank you Mr. Bear.

DB: Peace out!

UP: Next we have… Flaky!

Flaky: (hesitating) Uh… h-hi…

UP: So Flaky… can I call you Flaky?

Fl: Well, it's my name, so…

UP: Great! Well Flaky, it's so good that you could join us today. Now the fans want to know… it is dandruff in your pins, isn't it?

Fl: Y-yes… what else would it be?

UP: I don't know. Some person suggested once that it might be broken glass.

Fl: That's just silly.

UP: So you're the 'shy' one, right? Are you the same off-set?

Fl: Oh, not really. It's mostly just my character. I'm really very friendly!

UP: What about your cowardice?

Fl: Oh… yeah, that's exaggerated a bit in the show. Like, I wouldn't freak if some baby chicks were clucking at me! That's ridiculous…

UP: Okay… any love interests?

Fl: That's none of your business…

UP: Aha! You're blushing!

Fl: Shut up!

UP: Okaaaay… so straighten this out for me; are you a hedgehog, or a porcupine, or what?

Fl: Porcupine. And I'm a natural red-head.

UP: Thank you Miss Flaky. Could you bring in the next guest, please?

Fl: Okay… bye…

Flippy: What's all this about?

UP: Greetings, Flippy. This here's an interview… you didn't get the memo?

Fp: Interview? I thought it was… forget it. Fine. What insipid, shallow queries will you give me?

UP: My, we seem grumpy today! Just a few questions, Mr. Flippy. It will hardly take any of your time. To begin, tell me what it was like to act with the cast of HTF.

Fp: Well, it's always great to work with those guys. They've all got wonderful senses of humor, and we get along really well. There have been a couple of times when I'd be in my "blood-crazy" mode, as I call it, and some of the actors would actually be scared of me, but we reconciled.

UP: Yes, I'd been meaning to ask you about your "flipping out".

Fp: As an actor, I've never been in the military or seen combat, so I watched a lot of old war movies to get inspired. I've done a lot of off-broadway stage shows before joining the cast, so I probably have the most acting experience out of everyone, not to toot my own horn.

UP: Good to know. So your Jekyll/Hyde transformation, then… purely a ruse?

Fp: If by 'ruse' you mean 'damn good acting', yes. I personally have no mental disorders or handicaps. It sure is a lot of fun to play my character that way, however!

UP: Great. One last question. Do you have any relationships with the cast? Anything romantic?

Fp: No. But like I said, we're all good friends off-camera.

UP: Thank you sir. I trust you can find the exit. If you would be so kind, please allow the next guest entry.

(Chair scrapes on floor and door opens and closes)

UP: Welcome, Miss Giggles. Please, have a seat.

Giggles: Why thank you, Mr…?

UP: My name is not important.

G: Okay then, Mr. Not Important. (Giggles laughs to herself)

UP: Very funny. Now Miss Giggles, I have a few questions here… to start, what is the significance of your bow, and did you steal it from the Sanrio Empress?

G: My bow's been a trademark of mine ever since my fifth birthday, and… wait, who?

UP: Hello Kitty.

G: Oh no! I would never steal from her! She's my biggest inspiration! In fact, the reason I still wear the bow, apart from that I love it and it brings out my eyes, is that it's sort of an homage to Miss Kitty! She's really my idol.

UP: Excellent. Now Miss Giggles, you are a chipmunk, correct?

G: Yep.

UP: Do you ever hang out with Alvin or Chip and Dale?

G: Those old fogies? Forget it.

UP: While we're on the subject… what is the relationship between you and Cuddles?

G: Yeah, I know… he's my boyfriend… we've been steady for quite a while now…

UP: Any marriage plans?

G: Not yet, but… there's plenty of time.

UP: Yes, indeed. Thank you, Miss Giggles. Please let Handy in as you leave.

G: Okay.

Handy: Thanks, Giggles.

UP: No hands, huh? That must suck.

H: You have no idea. But it is nice that a handi-capable cartoon like myself can find work, especially in today's environment. You know how many places turned me down on account of my missing limbs?

UP: But don't you feel degraded or exploited at all?

H: Sure, but I love to act, so it's all right. Balances out in the end, you know? Plus the money's good.

UP: So you're the 'Mr. Fix-It' of the show. Do you feel that this was good type-casting?

H: Definitely. I even actually helped build some of the sets used in the show! Yep, I'm not the world's best actor, but I'm good at what I know, and what I know is manual labor.

UP: Let's talk about your trademark scowl.

H: Sometimes it's real! (chuckles) Some of the things the scriptwriters make me do… I don't know what those guys smoke! It's all in good fun, though. Really, I'm not hurt.

UP: That's good. So this is a good one; is Toothy in any way related to you?

H: Ah, that old chestnut. Nope, though I suppose there is that possibility, what with us both being beavers.

UP: Yeah… last question; how do you do things that most people use their hands for?

H: On the show, I either use my teeth, feet, or head. When I accomplish things as the camera cuts away, someone from the crew rushes over and does it for me. Off the set, it's pretty much the same story.

UP: I see. Thank you for being so cooperative, Mr. Handy. Send in the next one, if you don't mind.

Lammy: Wow, it's dark in here…

UP: Welcome to the interview Miss Lammy. Please, make yourself comfortable.

Lm: Okay…

UP: Have you taken your meds today?

Lm: What? Oh, right. Jerk. I'm not really a schizo, you know!

UP: Sorry, sorry! Okay, so you're the 'newbie'. What's that like?

Lm: It's great! Everyone on the set is so friendly and funny. (laughs) There was this one time when Splendid- (laughs harder)

UP: Okay… good. Now, was your character in any way inspired by Sherry Lewis' Lamb Chop?

Lm: I don't know… maybe? You'd have to ask the writers. I think I see where you could think that, though.

UP: Yes… now tell us about Mr. Pickels, if you would.

Lm: As you know, there's a little controversy there. Like, is he real, or is it just in my head? To be honest, I'm not sure myself! You'd, again, have to ask the writers. I think he's really cute.

UP: Yes, he is. Now I'd like your thoughts on Truffles.

Lm: Who? Oh! That guy who I was running against! Yeah, he really wasn't cute enough, was he? Plus, the show needed more female characters, anyway. We're still friends, even though he didn't make the cut. If you watch my episode, you can see him behind a tree at one point, I think.

UP: That's cool. Any last words?

Lm: Um… you're not gonna kill me, are you?

UP: Nope. Time's almost up, that's all.

Lm: Okay then. I'd like to thank my mom who always supported my acting career, and all my friends along the way! I love you all!

UP: Thank you. Please leave the same way you came in.

(Chair squeaks)

UP: Next we have… Lifty!

Lifty: Uh… hi.

UP: Sorry we had to split you and your brother up.

Lf: Yeah…

UP: Let's get down to business. First question; why the stealing?

Lf: Huh? Well someone's gotta do it! Am I right? But really, I didn't write the script, I'm just an actor.

UP: Are you and Shifty real-life brothers?

Lf: Hell yeah! Can't you tell?

UP: Okay, sure. Why don't you have a hat?

Lf: I don't like hats. What, you got a problem with that?

UP: No no! It's fine. So then, in real life you're not a criminal?

Lf: No! If I were, I wouldn't have to do this show for money!

UP: So you don't like the show?

Lf: No, I love it! Usually…

UP: Usually?

Lf: Sometimes it really hurts! But y'know, could be worse… Hey, can I go now?

UP: Sure. Just let Lumpy in, would'ya? Thanks.

Lumpy: Uh… heh heh, hello!

UP: Hello, Mr. Lumpy. You're a popular character. Some call you the 'lovable dunderhead'. How do you respond to that?

Lp: I don't know about that… I suppose my character is on the doofy side, but off the set I'm of pretty average intelligence.

UP: Interesting… And your antlers; are they really crooked?

Lp: Yes, I had an accident as a child. Luckily all my other injuries were treated better. If you're going to ask about my eyes, no, they're contact-thingies. I'm not really cross-eyed.

UP: I see. That was to be my next question, yes. Moving on… how does it feel to tower over the other cast members?

Lp: Tower? Well, I guess I'm a little tall…

UP: Sir, you're a moose.

Lp: Yes… that I am…

UP: Changing the subject, do you ever feel degraded by your role?

Lp: Nope! I have a lot of fun with the character! Sometimes I crack myself up, you know. Like when I say 'oh well'!

UP: Ahh, that's one of my favorites. Finally, any gossip about others in the cast?

Lp: Let's see… hey, wouldn't that be mean?

UP: Depends on how you look at it.

Lp: I think I'll pass.

UP: Quite insightful, Mr. Lumpy. Thank you for your time. Next!

Mime: …

UP: Oh right… you're a mime…

Mm: Just kidding! I can talk!

UP: Wow! That's quite surprising!

Mm: Not really… I mean, I'm just an actor.

UP: So you're not a mime off-camera?

Mm: Heavens no! But they got a great coach for me, and I'm really convincing on the show.

UP: So you like your character?

Mm: Yep! It's a whole mess of fun!

UP: Great! It's kinda too bad that your character doesn't get more respect in the show, don't you think?

Mm: I wouldn't say that. I can entertain the children with all my goofy antics! Cub definitely appreciates me.

UP: Very true, and so does the audience at home, I'm sure. I know I do! Now, in one of the episodes you are seen in your 'home' interacting with various invisible objects. Comments on that?

Mm: Oh yeah! Boy, that took so much practice! I think we had a two-day shooting schedule on that one, and the first day was just getting that one scene! It was hard work, but an amazing result.

UP: Indeed! So to wrap up, any relationships with the other characters?

Mm: Me and Russel get along really well. I don't talk to the others that much, but everyone's super nice and friendly. Hey, what am I doing?

UP: You're… carving an invisible turkey?

Mm: Close! It's a pumpkin!

UP: Nice. Thank you very much for your time, Mr. Mime.

Mm: Hey, that's a Pokemon! Just call me 'Mime'.

UP: Okay, Mime. Please help Mole find his seat… ah, thank you.

Mole: Hello.

UP: Hello, Mr. Mole.

Ml: That's 'THE Mole', to you, son.

UP: Excuse me. Now… you're actually blind, correct?

Ml: Indeed I am. However the show may make light of this, it is part of who I am personally.

UP: I see… and that must be pretty hard to live with.

Ml: One gets used to these sorts of things. Blind from birth is a bit easier than another way, I understand.

UP: Okay. Now I have a few questions here… firstly, you're a mole… with a mole… comments?

Ml: I didn't write any of the scripts, so you'll need to talk to those people. I'm just an actor.

UP: So does blindness run in your family?

Ml: Of course! We are moles after all, dear boy.

UP: Right. Now, that one 'special' episode you did with the rat in the city… did you do all your own stunts?

Ml: Yes. I always do the stunts myself. I really enjoy the adrenaline rush, but at times it does take a while to get the scene right.

UP: Okay. So you enjoy the show. Are there any episodes that have a special place in The Mole's heart?

Ml: The one in the city you mentioned happens to be my personal favorite.

UP: Great! Last question; do you have any relationships, romantic or otherwise, with any of the other cast members?

Ml: No romantic relationships… let's see… no one sticks out in my mind right now. Suffice it to say that I'm friends with all the cast.

UP: Thank you, Mr. Mole. Er, The Mole. Have a nice night. Um… the door's on your left there… you've got it. Next!

Mr. Pickels: …

UP: What? That's just a pickle on a plate! Why would I want to interview…? Wait, where'd it go? It was just there a second ago, I could've sworn… hmm… huh? (gagging noises mixed with cries for help)

End of Part One