This journal will be for my eyes only. A simple reminder of my thoughts, my feelings, so that I may go back someday and remember what I was thinking. So that I may remember my secrets and my fears.

This journal is for myself and myself alone so that I may never forget nights like the one I just had, holding the man that I care about so much closely to me.

Last night, Kiku and I made love for the 5th time. I couldn't stop myself from touching his beautiful skin, soft and a little pale. I keep track of the times that we are together, the number of times that we've spent nights like this, simply because I cannot stop myself from wanting to remember. I want to remember every moment that I am with him.

The only thing that bothers me is this...

Every morning that I wake up, I expect to see his small body lying beside mine. I expect to be able to hold him in my arms again, but he's never there. He leaves while I am asleep, taking his clothes and such with him. I can't comprehend his reasoning for this. Is he too shy to wake up beside me? Is he afraid that if he stays, I will say something that he doesn't want to hear? Or maybe he's unsure of what he would say to me when he woke up.

There is only one other explanation that I can think of... but it hurts me to think this way. After everything that he and I have been through together, both with and without Feliciano. I don't want to think about the possibility that he doesn't feel the same way about me that I do about him.

He's never said that one word that I want him to say... of course, I've never said the three that it would take to say the same thing in /my/ language, and it is possible that this is why he has never said that one, simple, word.

I suppose that tonight... tonight I will tell him how I feel. And I will hope that he says it back. Because a one sided love could only cause us both pain, and I never want to hurt this boy that I care so much about, because if he is hurt, then so am I. I can't be happy knowing that he is not.

I want to touch him again. I want him here right now.

I am sitting beside Feliciano on one of the two couches in my living room. He is watching an Italian movie on my rather large television. He asked me to watch it with him, but I am "doing work", as I told him. But this is what I am doing instead. I should be working, I should be typing up more important things, but right now, Kiku is what is most important to me, and I can't stop thinking about him.

His dark eyes, his soft hair and skin, the way he smiles...

And his imperfections. I love those best. The way he covers his mouth with his hand when he giggles, the way he tries to speak other languages and just can't seem to pronounce things right. It's the most adorable thing in the world when he tries to speak German. I can't help but smile and chuckle and want to hold him close. He worries about everything and gets flustered easily, but I love even that about him. I love tracing his scars with my fingertips, they remind me that he isn't as fragile as he looks. Many wars and battles and hardships, but he's still such a kind, gentle, man.

World War II had hurt us all, Kiku, Feliciano, and myself included. We had helped each other the best that we could manage after the end of the war, but it was hardest to help Kiku. He always seemed so far away. And he always seemed so determined to do everything by himself, even though his health is not the best right now, especially after Alfred's bombings. I'm worried that him dealing with all of these things alone may cause him more unneeded stress, and I want to be there for him to help him deal with it. Because when somebody becomes too stressed, they may do things that they later regret. They may do something stupid. And I don't want to see Kiku get hurt over something ridiculous.

I look over at Feliciano, but I don't really see him. Rather, I see through him, as though he's not really there. Yes, Feliciano is my friend and I do like him, but at this moment, I can think of nothing more than the small Japanese man that I love to hold again. And I know that I /will/ hold him again... tonight, underneath the covers as I whisper my confession to him, because I want him to know.

If you couldn't tell by my rambling already, I am completely in love with him, all I need now is to know that he loves me too.