Gaah, it was so hard not to end up with Crocodile killing Vivi. :0
So I made it AU.

"Before you even think of opening your mouth, consider this: I can start a fire to attract a ship, sure, but then again, I could use that fire to cook your body and eat you."

"You're a disgusting monster! Go away!"

"THERE ISN'T ANYWHERE TO GO, YOU STUPID GIRL!"

Vivi fought off the urge to burst into tears and pound her head against a tree. Of all the people she could have landed on a deserted island with, it just had to be Crocodile Zero, notorious oil tycoon and reputable bastard of business. The yacht was probably in pieces, sinking to the bottom of the ocean by now along with the radio.

There really wasn't anything with them but the clothes on their backs and, for some ineffable reason, a heavy fur coat Crocodile decided to grab from the sinking yacht instead of the goddamn radio.

Idiot.

"Go find some food." Crocodile ordered, shaking off the massive fur coat.

"There isn't anything here!" Vivi said in exasperation. She shivered and looked out to the sea, which was empty of any ships or planes.

Crocodile pointed up to one of the tall palm trees. "Climb and get the coconuts."

"I don't want to." Vivi huffed. She marched up the shore and sat down in the shade of one of the trees. Crocodile growled and slung the fur coat around his shoulders.

"If you don't, I really will eat you." He loomed above her threateningly (though somehow not as intimidating without a trademark cigar between his teeth).

"I'd like to see you try." Vivi tried not to shake visibly. In truth, she was terrified of him and would have gladly climbed the tree- if she could climb trees in the first place.

Crocodile wordlessly raised a fist. Vivi flinched and curled up, but he didn't hit her. Instead, she heard a dull thump and a crack. She looked up to see Crocodile rubbing his knuckles and blowing on them. He had hit the tree, not her.

Then a coconut fell on Vivi's head.

"Ha!" Crocodile snorted, scooping up the coconut. Vivi rubbed her head, dazed. He really was as strong as he looked...

"Aren't you going to share?" Vivi called out. She stood up, wobbling slightly from the impact on her head.

"Like hell I will." Crocodile turned away and set to hitting the coconut against a rock to break it open. Vivi's stomach began to growl as she watched him slurp up the milk and scrape the meat out with his fingers. She hadn't realized how hungry she was until then.

"Just a little bit?" Vivi asked before she could stop herself.

"No!" Crocodile scowled, hunching over to finish the coconut. "Get one yourself, brat!"

"My father won't be so pleased to hear that you've been starving me. He's a senator, you know." Vivi stomped her foot, feeling very childish and silly.

"Like I give a damn." Crocodile grunted. He stood up, dropping the remains of the coconut in the sand. Without another word, he set off into the forest. Seeing as there wasn't any other option (besides attempting to survive on her own, but like that would end up well), Vivi trotted after him as discreetly as she could.

-X-

"Stop following me, brat."

"No."

"I'll cut your thumbs off!"

"You don't have a knife."

"Then I'll just break them!"

"Then- then I'll gouge out your eyes."

"You've got a lot of guts for a little brat. I wonder if they taste like chicken."

"You're disgusting and cruel."

"Like I care."

-X-

There was a small freshwater stream trickling through the mud, almost hidden by the thick foliage. Crocodile knelt down and began slurping up the water, along with a bunch of dirt.

"That's... disgusting." Vivi decided. She approached the creek- upstream from Crocodile, so she wouldn't catch anything nasty- and scooped up water in her cupped palms.

"Okay, we're done here." Crocodile stood up, wiping the mud off his jaw. He spat a couple times and lumbered back torward the trees.

"Wait!"

"What?" Crocodile said in exasperation. Vivi stared down at the water in her hand. There were tiny specks floating around in it, and it was an off-shade of green.

"I don't think this water is good to drink." Vivi said slowly, wiping her hands off on her sand-encrusted skirt.

"Yeah right." Crocodile scoffed.

-X-

"I fucking hate this isla-" Crocodile was cut off by another bout of vomiting. He doubled over, regurgitating the remains of the coconut and whatever else he had eaten that morning up into the sand.

"I told you the water was bad!" Vivi called from a safe distance away. She had propped up a large palm leaf up on a few branches to shade herself. Crocodile glared at her and continued vomiting.

-X-

"We need to start a fire." Vivi decided. The sky was already turning orange and the wind was beginning to pick up. She looked to the flat horizon worriedly. If she had to spend one more day with the bastard, she would probably go insane.

"Go get firewood, then." Crocodile said, rubbing his stomach.

Vivi eyed the heavy fur coat he had carried all the way through their little expedition.

"Fuck no!" Crocodile snarled, wrapping his arms around the coat.

"That thing is useless!"

"This thing is going to prevent me from freezing to death tonight! As for you..." Crocodile grinned maliciously. Vivi blanched. He was right. Probably. She hoped not.

"I wish Nami was here." Vivi said sadly, sitting down heavily in the sand. "She'd know what to do."

"I wish Robin my secretary was here." Crocodile snorted. "She'd get me some food without even questioning me. But she's not here, is she? Instead, I'm stuck with a worthless brat that can't even do anything productive!"

"I'm not your slave!" Vivi snapped.

"Then go find me something to eat!"

"YOU TOTALLY CONTRADICTED WHAT I JUST SAID, ASSHOLE!"

-X-

"Vivi, thank goodness you're safe!" Cobra pulled his daughter into a tight hug. Vivi tried to say something, but she was smothered against his coat.

"No welcome wagon for me?" Crocodile raised an eyebrow, holding his arms out.

"Sir... I'm right next to you." Robin deadpanned.

"Ah, excellent. Go get me a bottle of wine, woman."

"Of course."

"YOU'D BETTER NOT HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO MY DAUGHTER, BASTARD!" Cobra yelled.

"Hey! I'm the one who drank the crappy water that made me sick!" Crocodile shouted.

"I told you it was bad water!" Vivi said.

"Then you shoulda told me that before I drank it, idiot!"

"Sir, your wine."

"Che." Crocodile snatched the bottle out of Robin's hands, tore the cork out, and began to chug it down. He stalked away, still muttering curses under his breath.

"If you get drunk, I'm not carrying you back to headquarters."

"Shut up, Robin!"

Vivi sighed and leaned against her father. The ship was well on its way back to the mainland and the island was far behind them. "When we get home, I-"

"SHIT! I LEFT MY FUR COAT ON THE ISLAND!"