30 Things I am not allowed to do at Camp Half-Blood

1. I am not allowed to tell Dionysus "Daddy doesn't love you!"

2. I am not allowed to call the Stoll twins "Merry and Pippin"

3. I am not allowed to put Nair in the Aphrodite Cabin shampoo

4. The Children of Demeter do not appreciate getting weed-killer for Christmas.

5. Visiting Olympus and yelling "Zeusy, I'm home!" is not appropriate.

6. I should not imply that Kronos is Luke's father

7. Or that Hermes is a Sith Lord

8. Edward Elric is not a Son of Hermes, even if the symbol on his red coat looks like the Caduceus.

9. Daughters of Poseidon are not named Ariel, nor do they appreciate being sung "Part of Your World", "Under the Sea", or "Poor Unfortunate Souls"

10. I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug a Child of Hades" day

11. Hera would not find it even remotely amusing if I went around introducing myself as her illegitimate child.

12. I am not allowed to decorate the Hades cabin with pink flowers

13. I am not allowed to sing the "My Little Pony" song around Chiron.

14. It is suicide to suggest to the Empousai that they should be glittering, and I will not do so.

15. Nor will I sneak up on them when they're sleeping and slather glitter glue on them, for this is also suicide.

16. I am not allowed to call Ares a "Hells Angel wannabe"

17. Percy Jackson does not live in a pineapple under the sea, and I should not sing the "SpongeBob Squarepants" theme around him.

18. I am not allowed to call Thalia "tree-face"

19. I will not tie a rubber spider over Annabeth's bed, for this is not amusing.

20. If I am a Child of Poseidon, I am not allowed to call myself or sign my papers as "The Horse Whisperer"

21. I am not allowed to tell Nico diAngelo "Cheer up, emo kid!"

22. I will not go to Rachel Elizabeth Dare for answers to my math tests. She's the Oracle, not a cheat-sheet.

23. The Hunters of Artemis are not boy-crazy; therefore, I will not tack up posters of Zac Effron, Orlando Bloom, or Taylor Lautner in the Artemis cabin.

24. I am not allowed to stand by idly and watch Circe turn any of my brothers into guinea-pigs, even if they would be better off that way.

25. Nor am I allowed to take them as guinea-pigs and feed them to George and Martha.

26. Making a list called "101 Ways to Annoy Zeus" is not clever or funny.

27. I will not tame a Hell Hound as my pet and name it "My Cutie Patootie."

28. I am not allowed to introduce Apollo to Vogon poetry.

29. "The Big Three" are Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades, NOT Aro, Caius, and Marcus, and I will not insist otherwise.

30. I will not, under any circumstances, create a list of things I'm not allowed to do at Camp Half-Blood and show it to other demigods, thereby giving them all bad ideas.