Insanity.

Lynette McGregor muses

Insanity is blissful. Nothing matters. No insults can harm you, fading away into mere noise; no stones can break you, injuries healed before they can even blossom on your skin; and those you thought you'd lost forever surround you with loving smiles. You are warm, and you are safe in a bubble, a bubble that floats you higher and higher into wondrous oblivion, euphoric every passing second.

Reality is harder. Much harder. People judge you harshly, for your name or your skin; others decide your life and your dreams, leaving you to only wander through life; and that heavenly bubble pops, surrounding you in jagged glass that finds it's way into your heart, leaving you vulnerable and with miles to fall.

Ever since my catastrophic fight with Jude, I had spent my empty days and lonely night longing for the precious bubble to form delicately around me once again. The beautiful mahogany skin that had stretched across my body had faded, leaving my skin painfully lily-white once more. The wondrous mist that had clouded my mind, shrouding me from pain, had lifted, leaving the shambles of my home visible to my newly awakened senses.

My father, the man who had once loved me and tucked me in at night, was no longer the gentle, loving man I remembered from the past. He was now hardened and cold, always bent over numerous plans and schemes; jumpy whenever anyone enters the room he's in.

And Jude's the same. Constantly looking over his shoulder; huddled in a corner with Dad; the same hardened look in his once soft eyes.

Mother's almost the same. She still cleans the house as best she can, and moves around as normal, telling me how much she loves me. Except her smiles look false, painted onto her porcelain skin, and her eyes are always ringed with red from when I can hear her crying during at night as I fight for sleep to take me again.

Callum. I was always closest to Callum…before. Now, he's miserable…yet paradoxically happy. He comes home from school miserable. He leaves for school miserable. Yet at certain moments, when he's thinking about something no-one else can see; or when he answers the phone in the middle of the night, there is a gleam of joy in his eyes.

I wish for that. A light in the darkness. A reason to smile. But there's nothing. I have only a broken home, a broken world and a broken heart.

I used to have a reason. Until he was taken from me. Then I found my bubble. The salvation from the grief.

It was the gleam in Callum's eyes that pushed me. That made my choice.

So, silently, I said my goodbyes. But when I wrote my final letter, my pale hand wasn't shaking as I thought it would. It was hard to tell my youngest brother of my plans, but he had the right to know.

So, I sat eating my final meal, taking my last looks at my family. Things started to kick off again. I wanted to remember them happy, not arguing as they so often did these days.

I left Callum's letter and walked out, sending a last final smile to my family. They didn't see.

I saw the red bus speeding towards me and stepped out off the pavement.

My life didn't flash before my eyes.

My words didn't slow down.

Nothing happened. I only saw the terrified face of the Cross driver and then…nothing.

And I, Lynette McGregor, took my last breath and drifted into oblivion.

Insanity is blissful.

Death is peace.