I wandered through the corridors of Hogwarts, hoping I would see her. It would already make me happy if I'd only catch a glimpse of her. Her hair, perhaps. Or her eyes. Her freckles, her ankles or her slender wrists. Her lips, her neck, her perfect breasts. Anything. I loved anything, as long as it was hers.

And she didn't love me back, as she'd told me several times already. It didn't matter how often I told her I love her, she just wouldn't love me back. I wanted her to want me, wanted her to love me and to hold me, wanted her to marry me eventually.

But I could watch her, but couldn't touch her, couldn't hold her. I couldn't have her, and that was what hurt most. It didn't matter how hard I tried. I just couldn't have her.

I heard soft voices and laughter, somewhere far away from me. It wasn't hers. I'd recognize her laughter and voice anywhere. There was nothing like the sound of her voice and I'd die to hear her laugh. I'd even shoot myself through the head if that meant she'd laugh. Then, at least, the last sound I'd hear would be the most beautiful sound in the world: Lily.

Someone bumped into me, mumbled an apology and ran further. He was probably late for class.

There she was, more beautiful than ever. The sun lighted her hair and eyes. Looking at her lighted my heart. She was laughing, but I couldn't hear her as she was standing too far away from me. For once, the distance between us was not figurative. Her friends looked happy as well. I guess they hadn't seen me yet.

I wanted to run to her and to ask her out, but I'd promised Remus and Sirius I wouldn't do that anymore. That was two months ago already. I guess we're all quite surprised that I've kept my promise for so long. Not that I'm one to break promises, but this was Lily we were talking about.

Every time we had rounds, I died a little on the inside. I could really feel it. I could truly feel my heart die inside my chest. It was as if it stopped beating first, and then crumpled and shattered. It was like being sucked in a huge black hole, which was not somewhere outside my body, but inside me. The black hole was my heart. It was complicated.

But now I was here and she was there and she couldn't turn me down, because she couldn't see me. Yet. On one hand, I wanted to walk up to her and say hi. On the other, I knew she'd stamp on my heart again and I couldn't bear that again. She'd made me cry too much already. And I wasn't much of a crybaby usually. Remus was the emotional one, I wasn't.

I followed them outside the castle and watched them sit down next to the lake. I was freezing, but they didn't seem to be cold. They did have their winter coats on and I didn't, maybe that had something to do with it.

I felt a smile creep on my face and was surprised that the warmth inside of me was still there. Every time I came near that girl, it was as if a flame burst alive in my chest. Or at least, it used to be like that. These past few months, every time I saw her, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. But now, the flame was back again. I place a hand over my heart and smiled wider. How could anyone not love her?

She got up and walked away from her friends. This was my chance!

But I'd promised…

I sighed, fought an inner battle and decided I'd just follow her, wouldn't talk to her. Certainly wouldn't ask her out. I'd just look at her, love her secretly. That wasn't forbidden, was it?

Every time her small feet touched the ground, the world became a little prettier. I knew that, as long as she was here, the world would be a place worth living. She made the sun shine brighter and the flowers blossom. She made the girls sing and the boys dance. Or maybe that last was a little over the top. But still…

She grabbed a piece of parchment out her bag and read it through as she strolled around the lake. I wondered what was on it. Homework, most likely. Maybe it was a letter, or poetry. I could easily imagine Lily reading or writing poetry. Even I wrote poetry occasionally. Very occasionally. Okay, the last time I wrote a poem I was eight and in love with the girl next door. She didn't like me either, come to think of it.

Maybe it was me. Maybe I had some kind of curse on me, so that all girls I liked didn't like me back. Because really, half of female Hogwarts wanted me. The other half wanted Sirius. And Sirius wanted his half. Sirius, our one and only ladies man.

I walked a bit faster, and came closer to Lily. It wouldn't hurt anyone if I walked a bit closer behind her, would it? I smiled, imagining my hands running through her hair. It looked so soft and it probably smelled so good.

Lily stopped dead in her tracks and I stopped as well. What had happened? Had she seen something, someone? Had she heard something? Shit… She'd heard me, hadn't she?

I guess she had, as she slowly turned around and looked me in the eye. I think she exploded in her head or something. Within a fraction of a second she looked so mad, so damn mad. As if there was a switch in her head that she'd just switched. Happy, mad, happy, mad…. She was always happy, except when she saw me.

"Potter!" she hurled. I slightly cringed, tried to make myself disappear. This was one of those moments where I wished you could disapparate at Hogwarts. I closed my eyes and hoped – like a small child – that if I couldn't see her, she couldn't see me either.

"What are you doing here?" she yelled, "You… you… stalker! Why can't you just leave me alone? Why do you have to ruin my life?"

I shook my head. I would never want to ruin her life. All I wanted is to be with her, to love her and to hold her. But ruin her life? Never!

"All you do is bully me," Lily hissed angrily, "You scare everyone away from me, so that I'll have to spend the rest of my life alone. You pester my friends, you hex everyone whose face you don't like. You think you're popular, but all you are is a bully. People don't like you, Potter, people fear you."

I pressed my nails in my hands, clutching them to fists. That wasn't true. People liked me. I wasn't a bully. People weren't afraid of me. It couldn't be true. That was never what I wanted.

"Why, Potter?" she whispered, "Why do you have to be such an asshole and ruin my life?"

"I don't want to ruin your life," I blurted out. She snorted and looked like she didn't believe me. I probably wouldn't believe me either if I were in her place, but it was the truth.

"Sure you don't," she snapped, "Just leave me alone, Potter. Why can't you just disappear or something?"

I wanted to say something but she lifted her hand and looked so angry I was afraid she'd hit me.

"Just tell me one thing, Potter," she asked, "Why do you hate me so much?"

"Evans…" I started, desperate for her to understand, "Lily… I don't hate you."

She seemed surprised, shocked even. And there was something else in her eyes, something I hadn't seen in her eyes ever before. Something I didn't understand and couldn't place. Her eyes ran over my body, before she turned around and stalked away. I heard her breathe in sharply and wondered if she was crying.

I closed my eyes and decided to tell her. This may be my last chance ever. I couldn't let her go. Not this time.

"I could never hate you, Lily," I said, "Because I love you."

She stopped and didn't look at me, but I could see her breathe quickly. I waited an eternity for an answer that didn't seem to come. I was scared. I think I'd never been so scared before in my life. I shakily sighed and bit my lip. I guessed this was it.

"James?" she asked, turning around slowly to face me. She'd never called me James before, "Do you mean that?"

I nodded and searched her face for anger or hatred or any emotion that could give me a clue as to what she was thinking. She seemed to search my face as well and I think we both felt very clumsily and insecure. I knew I did.

She suddenly smiled and I felt my heart skip a few beats.

"Do you know, how long I've been waiting for you to say that?" she asked, "I truly hoped you would, but I feared you really just hated me and wanted to ruin my life."

I laughed shocked and shakily and I sounded quite hysterical. She laughed as well and came closer, cupped my face with her soft hand. I'd never felt so happy in my life as now. Her beautiful eyes were so close to mine, and I could feel her warm breath run over my chin. It gave me goose bumps. And cold chills ran down my spine.

She dropped her eyelids and stared at my mouth. I don't know how it happened, but suddenly she was even closer to my face. And then, our lips touched. And I died.

Lily opened her eyes again and looked at me, softly bumped her nose against mine. She smiled and then whispered the four most beautiful words someone could ever whisper to me:

"I love you too."

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