One Time They Really Weren't: Chapter 1

"Captain, this course of action is not wise," Spock protested.

"This is the safest place for both of you," Kirk told his first officer. "I promise you, we'll fix this. Somehow." Before Spock could further object, he sealed his duffel, silently praying he wasn't sealing the fates of two of his best officers.

.

.

Two hours earlier…

"I am Spock," Spock said again, emphasizing the initial consonants for good measure.

"Sock!" Inanna insisted.

"Spock."

"Sock!"

Spock gave up. Arguing with juvenile humanoids was clearly a fruitless pursuit across the universe. Bowing to the young girl seated on a diminutive throne, he turned away just in time to catch the grin his mate wasn't quick enough to hide. He gestured for her to make her audience with child who claimed to be a goddess.

"I am Lieutenant Uhura, also of the USS Enterprise," he heard her say. There was a long silence from the throne, then, "Underoos!"

Spock turned back to see how Nyota would handle this.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Underoos," repeated the little goddess. "They are a form of underwear, favored by children on your planet, are they not?"

"I—I'm…" Nyota faltered.

Late Twentieth–, early Twenty-first Century children's undergarments, usually depicting the uniform of a "superhero." Spock informed her through their bond.

"Oh, Underoos!" she exclaimed, giggling a little. "Some of my ancestors might have worn them, but I don't think they're available for modern children on Earth."

The child's brow wrinkled as she leaned forward in her throne. "You are Sock's mate?"

"Sock, er, Spock is my husband, yes."

"Underoos," Inanna declared. "You may go."

Do not engage her further, beloved, Spock advised.

His adun'a pasted a patently false smile on her face and bowed. As she quickly made her way across the throne room to where he and the rest of the team stood waiting, Spock noticed she was not giggling over the corruption of her own name.

"For an alleged goddess of language and meaning, Inanna's knowledge of both appears to be decidedly lacking," he murmured just loud enough for the other two to hear as Nyota reached them.

"Actually," she said, "Inanna was primarily considered to be the goddess of words and syntax. Language and meaning fall under her secondary spheres of influence, but I've never read anything that said pronunciation was a domain of hers."

"Still," said Spock, "one would think that such a deity would—"

"Oh!" screeched Lieutenant Uhura as she disappeared in a flutter of red and brown silk.

Spock sprang forward, reaching for his mate, even as he felt his surroundings inexplicably warping and growing larger.

"Good God, Spock!" the doctor exclaimed. "You're a sock!"

"Bones!" he heard Kirk cry. "Do something!"

Spock glanced down at his now-severely-truncated body. Peering from the corner of his eyes, he was able to ascertain that his mate had also been transformed.

"Just what the hell do you expect me to do, Jim?" McCoy snapped back. "I'm a doctor, not a tailor."

.

.

Spock twisted around in the darkness of Kirk's duffel until his superior Vulcan sight (curiously, that much had been retained even in this new state) made out the lingerie that was now his lovely Nyota.

"Beloved," he whispered and she bunched and stretched her satiny silk until it brushed against his utilitarian cotton.

"What are we going to do, k'diwa?" His wife sighed on the last word and Spock marveled that breathing still seemed to be a necessity despite the fact that neither of them appeared to possess lungs.

"I do not know," he replied. "There are, however, several intriguing aspects of our new existence which I would like to further explore while the opportunity exists."

"Spock!" Nyota snarled. "We've just been transformed into underwear and locked in luggage for only-the-stars-know how long. Do you really think this is a good time to launch your latest scientific investigation?"

In lieu of an answer, her husband twisted his long body round and round and round hers until she was bound in his cotton embrace.

"Surely, you have noticed," he murmured somewhere near where her ears would have been if she had still been in possession of ears, "that certain biological functions continue in spite of our lack of organs to perform the functions or even a logical need for them in our current state."

"I noticed you can still talk the ears off an elephant."

Spock's lips moved to the location that was formerly Uhura's neck. "Wouldn't you like to know what else we are still capable of accomplishing?" he asked.

The silk teddy shivered in his grip.

A/N: Just having a bit of fun with typos. EDIT 22 January 2011:Just opened this story and saw that the first chapter had gone missing! Ack! Have no idea how long languished that way, but it's fixed now.