Disclaimer: Not Mine. Not Mine. Not Mine.

A/N: Ughhh. I feel like I'm betraying my L/J fan-ness by doing this (hence the story title, which was created with the help of my best friend, who also thinks this is wrong :D) but...when my muse orders me to write, I write. This was originally supposed to be a four-shot for the Skeletons in the Closet Challenge over at HPFC (a big thanks to the challlenge creator, Andi-Professional Daydreamer, by the way :D) but I changed it to just a one-shot :) That's enough sacrilage for me! :P

My secret was - I still love you. I still believe in you. I miss you more than you will ever know.

I also dedicate this to xxGrimxLullaby, for her birthday :D Happy Birthday!

And now, without further ado, I present my first (and hopefully only) Sirius/Lily fic. Enjoy!

CRACK!

He shouldn't be doing this. He shouldn't be doing this.

It ran on and on, looping around his head, the truth in all it's unavoidable glory. But he didn't listen. He couldn't.

Instead, he ignored it, ignored everything - all reason, all rationality, everything - but her.

James wasn't home, he'd told Sirius he wouldn't be. Why wouldn't he? After all, he had no idea that his friend would use that piece of knowledge to corner his wife. And yet, Sirius did. Dastardly. Dispictably.

Desperately. He was desperate.

To see her, to feel her. To have her as his own.

This was wrong. This was wrong.

But when he apparated into their living room, and he saw her there, book in hand, pyjamas on, he felt right. He felt whole.

As soon as she saw him, though, she was up, her peaceful mood broken, her quiet calm gone. She practically flew to the other side of the room, as far from him as she could possibly be, and stood there, staring. But her eyes, her stunning emerald eyes, held a glint of something that made Sirius' heart beat erratically and his throat turn dry.

This woman had power over him.

And he loved it.

"Lily..."

"You shouldn't be here, Sirius." She narrowed her eyes, and yet her voice trembled. He shifted forward slightly, already feeling that magnetic pull that seemed to exist between their bodies, but she pressed backwards, flattening herself against the wall. He stopped.

"Lily," he tried again, but she shook her head frantically. Too frantically, like she was scared of what might happen. Could she feel that draw too? "I needed to see you. We need to talk. I know he's not here-"

"He is my husband, Sirius!" Her voice raised in pitch, and Sirius felt his own frayed emotions rising to the surface.

"He's my best friend, Lily! But we can't deny what's happening here, we can't deny this!" There was something unrecognisable in his voice, and he realised with a pang that he was begging. Begging her to help him betray the person he was closest to, his virtual brother.

Sirius felt sick. He was sick - she was like a fever, burning through him, clouding his mind. He couldn't stop himself. More than that, despite his guilt, he didn't want to.

"Please, Lily. Please? Just let's..."

She swallowed, as though steeling herself,and shook her head again.

"This is wrong, Sirius."

"But Lily-"

"This is wrong." Her voice was rising again, her hands quaking slightly as they folded protectively over her chest, trying to stop the heat and electricity she felt emanating from her body towards his.

"We can't just-"

"It's wrong, Sirius, don't you get it?" Her strength snapped, and she was shouting, shouting, pouring her feelings for him into anger instead of pain. And then he was shouting too.

Lily, I know! I know! I know how wrong this is, but..."

He ran his hands through his shaggy black hair, tugging on the ends of it as he let his frustration consume him. Letting out a groan, he reached out as though to touch her, although he was painfully aware that the cavernous space of the living room between them hadn't narrowed.

A feeling of hoplessness threatened to overwhelm him, and he took a hesitant step forward. He needed to feel her, hold her. To know that the connection they'd shared hadn't just been one-sided - it had been something warm, something palpable. Something real.

He heard Lily's breathing hitch as he moved, saw her soft lips part in...what? Anticipation? Fear? As he finally allowed his grey eyes to pierce her green ones, Sirius found that he didn't care. Just her presence made him him feel stronger than he'd ever felt before; the glorious, forbidden temptation of her made him weak. He couldn't fight it any longer, no matter how sinful or wicked or wrong it was.

Taking a depth breath, Sirius swallowed his head, and poured out his heart.

"Lily, the scariest part of this constant, overwhelming craving for you is that I know...I never even really had you to to begin with." He shrugged helplessly, never dropping his gaze from hers, and went on. "But...In spite of how messed up this is, I still love you. I still believe in you. I miss you more than you will ever know."

And there it was. Sirius Black had told her his deepest, darkest secret - the one that, ever since they'd slept together, he'd been wearing on his sleeve.

And he could have sworn he felt his body tremble as his best friend's wife, and the only woman he'd ever loved, ran a hand through her thick, red locks in defeat, and then whispered:

"I know."

She began to move then, slowly and unintentionally sensual, as always. Sirius didn't breathe, didn't move, frightened even the slightest disturbance of the air would shatter this sweet, beautiful nightmare he had fallen into. His body tensed as she drew closer, closer, until there was just centimeters between them.

The air was thick, crackling with tension and electricity as she whispered once more, even softer this time.

"I know."

She was so near that her bottom lip grazed against his, and Sirius shut his eyes, trying to clear his mind of the haze induced by this sexy, devil-sent Goddess. Because he knew now that this connection - this inexplicable draw - was far too perfect, far too wrong. The dream would have to shatter eventually. Why wait until it had hurt James too?

Lily obviously felt the change too, tasted the hint of bittersweetness in the air. As Sirius opened his eyes again, wanting to drink her in just once more, he saw her green orbs glisten like mirrors, reflecting his emotions back at him ten-fold.

"But we can't do this to him." There was pain in her voice, no doubt, and yet a quiet strength that Sirius recognised as resolutely Lily. This would be the end - there would be no stolen kisses, no secret glances, no magic moments where the world disappeared. She would stay as James' wife, and he would remain as James' friend, and they would do what was undeniably right.

But, as Lily closed the distance between them for one last time, Sirius felt his heart fracture at how wrong it was. As her tongue ghosted across his with a gentle desperation, he drew her infinitesimally closer for an instant, close enough to feel the single, solitary tear that slid down her ivory cheek. And then he let go, and she was gone, walking towards the door as she put an acceptable, agonising distance between them once more.

It was only when she reached the door frame that she found the strength to turn around and glance back at him, a small sad smile gracing her lips.

"We can't." And then she slid out, shutting the door behind her.

And in that instant, fractured was forgotten. Sirius' heart cracked. He wished with everything he had that she'd left without a word or backword glance, let him leave his dangerous, delicious what if's in his imagination. But in that one smile, she'd shattered his resolve and let his fantasies come spilling out - of a world where Lily was his wife, where they they were together and happy as James smiled on, a world where he could touch her, hold her, kiss her, love her...

But it was over. And Sirius was done for.

CRACK!

A/N: As always, I'd love reviews to know what you thought :)