A/N: Ah, my first Hellsing fic. I have no idea if this idea's been done before, but whatever. Thanks to my beta blacksteel1 for helping me flesh this out properly after bringing it over from it's original crack!comic form.
Disclaimer: If I owned Hellsing, it'd probably be riddled with more crack!humor, and Alucard would be more off his head than he already is. Good thing for everyone I own nothing eh?
Seras stretched her arms above her head until all the kinks popped themselves from her spine and shoulders. Vampire or not, sleeping in a coffin was plain uncomfortable as far as she was concerned.
"How does Master do it?" she wondered aloud.
She'd ask him herself, if it wasn't for the fact that he'd probably just mock her then disappear through a wall.
With both a mental and physical shrug, she climbed from her daylight confine, pushing the lid back into place with her foot.
"Hm, maybe I can get Walter to find me some extra pillows or something…"
With the prospect of a more comfortable sleeping place, Seras walked quickly out into the hallway to search for the butler. And ran straight into Alucard. Literally.
"Ow, Master, what are you doing lurking outside my room?"
She looked up at the grinning man in red from her newly found place on the floor. He tilted his head just enough to look down at her over his sunglasses.
"Lurking? Don't be stupid police girl, if I was lurking, you wouldn't see me. You just need to watch where you're going."
Scowling, Seras climbed to her feet brushing down her skirt. Alucard watched her in that creepy, unblinking way he reserved for when he was up to something. Wary, she made to edge around him.
"I'm going to go find Walter so-Master, what's behind your back?"
Bringing his hands from behind his back, Alucard held the item out for her to see. It was a plain brown box, tied with a brilliant crimson ribbon.
"A present? Who's it for?"
"You."
Seras just blinked at him, the unexpectedness of it throwing her off. 5 seconds later the information had processed. Alucard was, for whatever reason, giving her a present. And it looked to be something other than his usual 'gifts', which generally involved her being terrorized.
Needless to say, Seras was ecstatic.
"Oh Master, you shouldn't have! I'm so excited I-are those air holes?" She leaned closer to the box for a better look, once again on her guard. Well, at least she knew it wasn't a bomb. Bombs didn't need to breath.
"Yes." His eyes glittered with mischief.
Seras looked between her master and the box in his hands. "What is it?" She didn't bother trying to hide the suspicion in her voice.
Alucard's grin grew wider, the look on his face borderline maniacal. "I'll give you a hint. It's cute, furry, has legs, and-"
She cut him off before he could get himself going. "Master that's a bit more than a hi-Oh my god Master!" She felt her eyes grow huge as realization hit and excitement filled her. Cute and furry…
"You got me a kitten?"
"Nooooo."
She faltered, but only for a second. "A puppy?" She knew she was grinning like a vampire at a hemophiliac convention, but she didn't really care at the moment. She was getting a puppy!
"No."
Or not. Alucard continued to grin at her, making her aware of just how many damn teeth he had. Even if he hadn't been in possession of such impressive canines it would have been intimidating.
"Um…ok, is it…"
Five guesses later, and she still didn't seem to be any closer to knowing what her gift was.
"Is it a-"
"Surprise!" Alucard whipped off the top to the box with a flourish, flinging it carelessly over his shoulder.
Obviously he'd gotten bored of her guessing game.
He tilted the box to give her a better look inside. What she saw instantly killed the I'm-getting-a-new-fluffy-friend-to-keep-me-company buzz she'd worked up. It turned to look up at her with black, beady eyes. Four pairs of them, in fact.
Seras shrieked, pulling away from the box and its contents: Inside the box was the biggest damn spider she'd ever laid eyes on! "A spider? But Master, you said 'cute and furry'!"
"But he is, silly girl. Look at him! I have even given him a name-Fluffy. Behold!" Alucard smoothly maneuvered the box closer to his fledgling's cringing form, the look on his face turning maniacal in the shadows of the corridor. The master vampire was quite pleased with the way this was playing out.
Seras however, did not share in her Master's mirth. "Get that thing away from me!"
Alucard just shoved the box closer.
It was so close it was right under her nose, the thing almost rearing up to meet her. She locked eyes with 'Fluffy', and panic smashed into her gut. It was even bigger and more ghoulish up close.
Much like her Master, actually.
Despite being larger and gifted with supernatural strength, Seras was rooted to the floor in fear. Unable to look away from the cold, soulles eyes inches from her face, she found herself locked in a staring contest of seemingly monumental porpotions.
Just as it seemed the world would falter and shatter into a million peices beneath her feet, the spider twitched, one furry leg making its way towards her nose.
Seras did the only logical thing she could think of: she bolted.
Alucard watched her tear down the hallway, her thoughts of 'Spider! Keep it away!' running like a broken record through his head, jittering and nerve grating. He laughed, then looked down at the spider.
"Don't worry Fluffy, she's just playing." He figured the more he appeased the thing, the more it'd be willing to do his bidding, which made for a far more entertaining night.
Alucard ran a finger over the creature's back as it maneuvered itself towards him.
"Let's go put you in 'mummy's' coffin hm? Then you and the police girl can bond when she comes back!" He figured it'd be 20 minutes at most before she (and hopefully Walter) returned. Plenty of time to prepare for the next phase of project 'police girl needs a pet'.
Still chuckling, Alucard disappeared into the darkness of Seras's bedroom.