"Keptin," said Chekov, blushing all the way to the roots of his tousled curls, "I think you hev med me space-gay."

Jim just stared at him for a minute. "Space-gay?"

"Yes, keptin. Gay in space."

"I don't - hang on a sec, ok?" Kirk flipped his communicator open. "Hey Bones?"

"Dammit, Jim, what is it this time?"

"Is there such a thing as space-gay?"

McCoy hung up.

Kirk immediately called back. "Bones, this is an EMERGENCY. I think I've got an ensign with a case of the space-gay and I need to know if there's anything I need to d-"

McCoy hung up.

"Space gay is Russian inwention," Chekov said. "Is logical Doctor does not know." A single tear slid down his face.

"Oh, fuck me," said Kirk. "Don't cry, kiddo - "

"Is only one cure for space gay, keptin," Chekov said desperately. "You must hev sex with me in my ess!"

"In your ess?" Kirk looked confused.

Chekov hastily pulled his trousers down and bent over the conn. "Yes, keptin, my ess!"

"Oh, your ASS." Kirk nodded. "Yeah, I can do that." He unfastened his own trousers, then paused, bemused. "Wait, how is this going to make you STOP being space gay? I mean, once you go Kirk you never go back, so this is just going to make you even gayer."

"Keptin, is emergency! Ewery minute you do not fuck my ess, I die!"

"I don't even," said Kirk, but they had sex anyway.

And then Sulu and McCoy were both totes jealous.