A special thanks to Joss (Josslyn Blanchard) for beta-ing, and presenting me with the word "aardvark"! I might just give you your hair back for this.

A/N: First HP parody oneshot crackfic. It's worth a read (and a review)!

Disclaimer: The word says it all, and the word is: NO. Pshyea.

How Severus Snape Became a Death Eater
By Remy Merridew

It was dark inside headquarters. Walden Macnair was sitting on a coffee table, reading the Daily Prophet in night-vision goggles while sipping some hot chocolate from a very interesting mug.

"Cart crash in Gringotts, oh my..." he muttered under his breath. "I don't like this! How am I supposed to get my money? I don't like this!" he repeated, and chucked the Prophet across the room. It hit something with a dull thunk sound.

"Wally!" someone cried.

"My Lord!" Macnair cried back, spilling hot chocolate all over his H&M cloak. "Frightfully sorry!"

"Oh, whatever," grumbled Voldemort. "So, did you get the money?"

"How am I supposed to get your bloody money?" demanded Macnair.

"Working the corner is always an option. Back in the day, Rookwood and I—"

"That's for, like, young chicks," Macnair replied uneasily. Then he blushed. "You think I would get customers?"

"I know you would!" replied Voldemort breathily, "a fine chap like you, strong abs, six-pack..."

Macnair stared. "Uhm, I'll pass," he said.

Voldemort swore. "Goshdangit, Wally! I need it for those red contacts! You know, the ones I saw in London on that killing spree last week? A flat nose just isn't enough for us scary individuals! Not to mention that our funds are dropping—"

"I guess I shouldn't have invested in that Viagra stock then..." Macnair muttered to himself.

Voldemort continued, "—and young Lucius can only pickpocket Dumbledore so many times! If only we had some really smart Ministry people on our side!"

"Uh..." Macnair glanced at his ax which was gleaming in the corner of the room. He dismissed the thought almost instantly.

It was just a hobby.

"We have some decent people..." Macnair said slowly.

"Yeah, right!" Voldemort rolled his plain black eyes. "Me, you, Avery, Lestrange, Karkaroff, Rookwood, and Lucius. Wally, our HQ is an RV."

A dog barked outside, and the sound was followed by a clang and a whimper.

"So I guess we need more people," Macnair suggested. "But who is going to be talked into joining us?"

Voldemort said nothing, but was looking at the hot chocolate-splattered Daily Prophet thoughtfully.

XXX

"I got like, ten O.W.L.s!" Severus bragged as he and Lily walked to their next class.

"Oh. My. Gosh. You are so smart, Sev!" gushed Lily. "I got, like, four! Charms, Astronomy, Care of Magical Creatures, and Potions!"

"In other words, the subjects taught by male professors?"

"Uh, yeah. Why else would I want that birth control spell?"

Severus turned away so she wouldn't see him blush and guess the answer. Lily was a corner working Gryffindor ginger, but the fact remained that she turned him on like an aardvark in heat.

"Good morning, boys and girls!" said Professor Slughorn as they walked into the dungeon classroom. "Today, we'll be brewing birth control potions!"

He winked at Lily.

Severus flipped his hair and took his seat at the table he shared with Dolohov, Peter "Wormtail" Pettigrew, and Lucius "Blondie" Malfoy.

Dolohov and Lucius were leaning over a newspaper, and were having an avid conversation about the front page's topic.

"I'm already joined, of course!" bragged Lucius.

Dolohov snorted absentmindedly. "Wicked!" he exclaimed. "Oh, crap, there's tuition...ten Galleons!"

"Make it five, if you do my homework," Lucius offered, shoving five rolls of parchment onto his friend's lap.

"Tuition?" Severus leaned forward eagerly. "To where?"

"Voldemort's Gang," Lucius and Dolohov chorused.

"'A free tattoo and skeleton mask,'" read Wormtail excitedly. "Oh, boy! I am so joining up! Think we can get free piercings?"

"Awesome! I always wanted an eyebrow ring!" cried Dolohov.

"Maybe I can get a Prince Albert for extra money!" Lucius gazed at Narcissa out of the corner of his eye.

"I wanna pierce my tongue," added Severus.

Silence ruled at the table.

"Sev, you failed," said Wormtail flatly.

A loud whoop echoed around the room, and Lucius was suddenly standing on the table. "Yes!" he cried, "You got OWNED!" He flourished his wand at Severus before falling off.

"Are you okay?" asked Severus, brushing newly-conjured flowers from his ears.

Dolohov peered down. "Hit his head on a cauldron. Wow, I didn't know you could bleed so much. D'you reckon he's dead?"

"No, he's still twitching," informed Wormtail.

Severus nodded. "Yeah. A'ight."

They turned back to the Prophet.

The article was not large, but it was flashing green, with a tiny red RV making circles around it.

RV'S AND CONTACTS AND TATTOOS, OH MY!

THE NOTORIOUS GANG CALLED 'VOLDEMORT'S GANG' STRIKES AGAIN! BUT FIRST IT NEEDS MORE MEMBERS. MEMBERS WILL GET—ALONG WITH A FREE TATTOO AND SKELETON MASK—THEIR VERY OWN SUBSCRIPTION TO PLAYWIZ (FEATURING SEXY L. EVANS) AND A REPUTATION TO BE RECKONED WITH! JOIN BY SENDING A LETTER TO AGENT FOX. TUITION IS TEN GALLEONS. K BYE.

"Awh," Dolohov leaned back in his seat. "That's all?"

"Yeah, so?" replied Lucius defensively; he was sitting up now, though he looked like he'd gotten on the bad side of a paintball fight—with someone who only used red paint.

"Is it worth it?" pressed the other wizard.

Quick as a flash, Lucius's hand submerged inside his red tote bag and resurfaced clutching a stack of seven or so magazines. He stuck them in Severus's face.

"Oh boy, is it worth it!" he said eagerly.

Dolohov and Wormtail leaned over to look. All three gazed openmouthed at the moving picture on the cover until Lucius snatched it back.

"Mine!" he snapped.

"I'm joining!" chorused Severus, Dolohov, and Wormtail.

"Nerds," coughed James Potter from the next table.

XXX

Severus sat cross-legged on his bed in the dormitory, holding a roll of parchment and a quill. He was using his BloodInk Fourteen-Centimeter Eagle to prove how tough he was.

A box of Hello Kitty Band-Aids lay next to him.

Dear Agent Fox, he wrote. Then he crossed it out.

Dear Admired and Most Feared Agent Fox. There we go. He licked the back of his hand with relish.

I want to join the gang please. As soon as possible. I do hope you will have me. He paused, about to sign his name, but then added:

I got ten O.W.L.s!

Sincerely,

Severus Snape.

Yet somehow his name didn't sound right. It needed...fizz.

Sizzle Snizzle.

No, that was not creative enough! An hour and forty-seven more crossed-out signatures later, he was satisfied with:

Sevster.

He placed the parchment in an envelope and addressed it to Agent Fox. He slapped a Band-Aid onto the back of his hand and hopped out of bed. He stepped out into the common room to send it, but was faced with a dilemma.

He didn't have an owl.

Whatever. He was popular, and anyone would let him use an owl. After all, he had ten O.W.L.s!

"Yo, anyone wanna lend me an owl?" he shouted, making himself heard.

The three people in the room—Narcissa, Harvey, and Lucius jumped a foot in the air in surprise.

"Avada Kedavra!" squeaked Lucius in surprise, and Severus lazily ducked. Somewhere behind him, Harvey let out a scream as the spell hit him, before collapsing into the punch bowl. Severus was used to these outbursts. Poor Harvey.

"No, you can't use Coco," protested Narcissa.

"Why?"

"Remember last time? He couldn't fly for a month because I had to wash the grease off his feathers!"

"It was an accident, I squeezed the tube too hard!"

Narcissa stuck out her tongue at him, and Severus stuck his out back.

"What about you?" Severus asked Lucius.

Lucius blinked. "You know I don't have an owl. You can use my pet bat though." He rummaged in his pocket before throwing something tiny and black at Severus.

Severus stared, eyes gleaming, at the baby vampire bat. "Whoa, thanks!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, it's from my cousin's bat farm. I have some more in my room."

Severus tied the envelope to the bat's leg and threw him out of the window. A splash was heard, and then a squeak. Another splash.

"Oh, yeah. I forgot about the Giant Squid," said Lucius thoughtfully.

"Hmm. Shame."

Something roared, and then a series of happy squeaks issued from the window.

"Good thing I bought Batty those fangs off eBay," said Lucius thoughtfully.

A few minutes later, Batty zoomed back in with a lavender roll of parchment tied to his...hers...its leg. Severus eagerly ripped it off, along with a toe, which he tossed into the fire.

Sevster,

That is very tempting but do you have what it takes to live in an RV?

Sexy Agent Fox

Severus flipped the parchment over and wrote:

Yes! Do you do lunch?

He gave it back to Batty, who flew off and returned quickly with a reply:

You spend a lot of time with Evans...

"GAAAAH!" Severus exclaimed, and scribbled over it. "SHE MEANS NOTHING TO ME," he wrote out loud and this time punted Batty out of the window.

"Hey..." Lucius frowned.

The reply came.

Uh...who's this?

Severus wrote back, Who is THIS?

The reply was, Lily...

Right...Severus wrote. Sorry, wrong number.

Then he took another piece of parchment and wrote out Agent Fox's name clearly before writing, She means nothing to me!

Ok! The reply read, But you need to present me with an achievement. Send me an object of Albus Dumbledore's love life and you're in!

Dismayed, Severus called Lucius over.

"What am I supposed to do now?" he wailed.

Lucius shrugged. "I dunno. Send over a bottle of Viagra or something, and say you found it in his office."

"Yeah, but there's a drawback...I don't have any!"

"I do!" chirped Lucius.

"Not anymore," said Narcissa slyly. She glanced at the fireplace suggestively.

"Oh."

But Severus wasn't that worried. He was a prefect! He was bound to find something sooner or later...

XXX

And he did, during Transfiguration the next day.

"I can transfigure into a werewolf every month," Remus Lupin was saying proudly to Professor Dumbledore, who had slipped Professor McGonagall a note.

The bell rang.

"Remus, that is amazing," Dumbledore called as they filed out the door. In the crowd, his hand snaked out and lightly smacked Lupin's butt. Severus smiled sneakily as he brushed back his mullet. What he wouldn't give for a camera.

Well maybe a value pack of twelve tubes of hair grease, but that was beside the point.

Severus decided to tail Lupin as he walked to his next class. Professor Sprout kicked him out of Herbology, because he wasn't supposed to be there until the afternoon, so he just watched through a window.

By the end of the day, Severus had discovered nothing else about Dumbledore's secret love life by tailing Lupin. But since he hadn't left Lupin's side all day, he decided it was high time for a pee. Trouble was, he was in the great hall, and that was far away from a toilet.

Room of Requirement, Room of Requirement! Yes! Severus walked three times by the wall and when he finally stopped, gasping for breath, a huge ornate door could be seen, glimmering in the torchlight.

Severus hauled it open, and—

"Awh, not again!"

"It's the RULES. C'mon, it's the shoes that go first..."

"Take it OFF!"

What the hell! thought Severus, frowning. He peeked deeper inside and saw five boys sitting at a table, holding cards, all shirtless. One was wearing tighty whities.

Or, four boys and one old headmaster.

As Severus stood in the doorway, speechless, all five turned to him. "Sev!" squealed Wormtail. He covered his tighty whitie'd body.

"Sev!" echoed James Potter. He was bright red.

"What the hell!" Severus voiced his thoughts.

"Hello, Snape!" said Dumbledore brightly. "We're just playing a bit of bloody strip poker! Care to join?"

Severus's mouth split into a grin, and in one move he fished a tiny camera out of his pocket, aimed it at the five boys/men, and clicked the 'take' button.

"Say cheese!"

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