Chapter 8

On the ride back to Catherine's house, Ziva seemed to sink back into herself. Catherine was concerned with the change, even though she had expected it. Ziva's burst of enthusiasm and unrestrained happiness was simply a shift of her mask. There was no way she would let it stay so exposed for long.

"Penny for your thoughts."

"So much? I am not sure I could make change," Ziva quipped. "I was thinking how I have become two different people. How is it possible for one moment, I believe the value of emotions, such as joy, and the next I am laughing and kissing in the rain. There is no symmetry with these two personalities, yet is the perfect paradigm to describe my dilemma. What would...could, my life have been, if I had not been Mossad? Would I have found love by now? Would I have at least dared to look? Would I have been...happy?

I never had these specific questions before. Not until I came to NCIS. I originally believed them to be sentimental fools, letting emotions distract them from their purpose. They way they...icare,/i was...disturbing. The only objective they should have is to apprehend the suspect, yet they would waste valuable time, consoling the victim's families. Do not misunderstand, what has happened to them is horrific, but it is secondary to removing the threat. Gibbs, always telling me to think first, react second; expecting me to interrogate without torture. If you want the truth, force will get it, not coddling! It is...was, so frustrating!"

Parking the car in the driveway, Catherine touched Ziva's arm, "I can only imagine, hon. How about we get a glass of wine and sit out back and finish?"

Ziva nodded as they went in. "A glass of wine would be wonderful. And since my clothes are already dry, no reason to wait."

Catherine went into the kitchen to get the wine while Ziva headed out back. She pulled together a lounge chair and a straight backed chair. She knew that Catherine enjoyed sitting in the lounge chair while out here. Catherine came out, handing the brunette a glass of wine, and sank with a sigh into the lounge chair.

Ziva didn't start her tale right away; she took a sip of the excellent wine and allowed herself the luxury of drinking in the site of the woman next to her. Catherine could feel Ziva's eyes, as they roamed over her body, lingering on the long, shapely legs. She shivered as if physically touched. Ziva had thought the shorts impractical that morning but was glad Catherine had ignored her.

"I have seen you wear many different things," Ziva says quietly to Catherine. "From leather, to elegant silk dresses and simple cotton shorts, but what I have never seen, is you not look delectable." Leaning down to kiss her, she whispered, "I do not know how the women you work with manage to avoid grabbing you every time they see you."

"Oh, they manage somehow," Catherine retorted with a laugh.

"Hmmm. Then they are all either blind or insane. No other explanation," ZIva shrugged. "That is a mistake I do not intend to make."

Catherine blushed, surprised as always at how this woman managed to make her feel so young and desirable.

"You're trying to distract me, Ziva," laughed Catherine. "And it's working. But I really want you to continue."

"Yes, you are right. Time is growing short." Ziva sighed. "I told you already about my original welcome to NCIS, yes? And as I said, it was understandable. Over time, they had begun to soften towards me, to see me as a member of their team, instead of an interloper. I was appreciative of that, trusting your team is crucial to a successful mission.

There were still moments where our differences were obvious. How I wished to interrogate was just one of those differences. The biggest was probably how I dealt with each of them as individuals. I valued them as agents, but saw no reason to become too close to them. I did not want to hear about their weekends, or dates. It was irrelevant, but they would persist in telling me everything. I did not see any value in worrying about someone who had been hurt, if they were no longer in danger. They were safe, being cared for; why worry now? Inside, I may have been concerned, but never did I show it. Abbey even said to me that I was heartless. And to my surprise, the comment hurt. Hurt deeply. But to defend myself, would have meant showing my true self. So, I allowed the impression to remain.

The only one who understood was Gibbs. He, too, had his secrets and his walls. The shooting of my half-brother? He took full blame for it. Never did he tell that I was the shooter, not him. He knew, without being told, that the repercussions for me would have been...extreme. He is such a gruff, mean, old man, yet he cares so deeply for his team. More like they are his children then his subordinates. And I had become his daughter. I have studied his every move, his every motive. He is not a innocent man, by any means. But all he has done has been for the triumph over evil.

All of these feelings were similar to treason in my mind. How can I embrace their methods when it is in direct conflict to my training? How could I allow this man, to become like a second father to me, when he was the opposite of my real father? I began to feel shame in my lack of empathy. Never had this happened to me before! If you had asked me to name ten people I have killed over the years, I would have been hard-pressed to do so. Their names...their names did not matter. Why I was ordered to remove them did not matter. If Mossad ordered them removed, then it was done. They would not have done so, if they were not a threat to Israel, you understand? I can name every man or woman that I have had to kill since coming to NCIS. I can tell you how and why their deaths came about. I can name every soul that was lost because I was not fast enough to save them.

They do not all haunt me. No, if they did, I would have gone insane long ago. But there are some, just a few, mind you, that make me wonder if my judgment had been correct. Not whether I should have killed them, but if there could have been another way. How many times did I react before I thought? How many times did I hesitate, or force them into the action that resulted in my need to use extreme force?

Hoffman. How could I have done things differently? Why did I not anticipate him looking at my cell phone, and remove Gibbs' name? Why did I not conceal a weapon in my car or on my person? I have worn skimpy cocktail dresses and managed to conceal my service weapon. I could have crashed the car, stalled the engine, anything to give Gibbs and McGee time to close the gap between our cars. Could I have done something, anything, to have prevented him almost killing me? Or me killing him? How could I make such a stupid rookie mistake?

I could have died that day. Why should that bother me? I have been prepared for such a day all my life. It is not that I wish to die; I just do not fear it. I really don't know. He should not have gotten such a drop on me! I should not have taken so long...was I that distracted? Would it have happened if I was still pure Mossad? I just don't know!"

Catherine reached over and took Ziva's hand into hers. "Baby, hindsight is ialways/i 20/20! It's one of the few clichés that are very true. There is no point in torturing yourself with i'what ifs'/i. You are so good at keeping all of your emotions locked down tightly. You just can't accept the fact that you made a mistake. It happens to everyone at some point. You can't go back and redo it; you can't change anything that has already happened. You can only learn from it so it doesn't happen again."

"Yes, I realize that." Ziva nodded. "I first thought my lack of judgment was the issue, but I realize now, that is not entirely the case. It is the fact that I wonder if I could have done something to avoid having to take this monster's life. This would never had been a thought before NCIS. Working with them, living in this country has changed me. I don't know if I can handle that change. What if I am sent back to Israel? Back to my Mossad assignments? I am not sure I would survive the first job!"

"You're only human, ZIva," Catherine quietly told her. "I know you were trained to have no flaws, no cracks, to never make a mistake. Nothing short of perfection would be acceptable. So you think the mistake you made is unforgivable. I think that is what is really haunting you. You're so sure that you let everyone down, especially Gibbs. I think you have strong feelings for him, father-type feelings. He has given you all the trust, respect, encouragement and protection that your real father never bothered to, and you let him down. And the fact that you felt if your father knew of this he would be disappointed in you. You pretend that doesn't matter, but it does. So many people counting on you to always be the perfect Mossad agent, and you think you just threw that trust away. Well you didn't, Ziva. Only you and perhaps your father expect perfection from you. Your friends are only concerned with the fact that you are safe and alive."

Lowering her head, Ziva softly said, "I have considered leaving Mossad."

Catherine looked over, shocked. "Are you serious? But...I thought...Isn't Mossad really deep into you? Can you just walk away from it? Hell, will they let you?"

"I do not know," Ziva shrugged, looking down sadly. "I am seriously considering it, yes. Can I actually do it? I have no idea. Mossad is who I am, what I am and what I believe. I do not know if I can ever just walk away from that. And my father will be furious! There are no words for what his reaction will be. He already has told me that I am allowing NCIS, America and Gibbs to brainwash me. If I do leave, I know I can never go home again. I love Israel. That is why I joined in the first place, to protect my land and my people! I still believe in these things. I do not doubt my convictions, just the methods.

If I had to tell you who I trusted more, Mossad or NCIS, that might be difficult. Every government agency lies. It's just how it is. They all are invested in manipulating your emotions, your loyalties, to get what they need from you. That is a simple fact. Same question, but Papa or Gibbs? Not quite as difficult, it pains me to admit. If I had been asked this last year, the answer would have been obvious. But after all I have learned, all Ari said, I do not feel I can trust my papa any longer. I cannot tell you what pain this brings me, but I must face the truth. Gibbs has never lied to me that I am aware of. When others doubted me, he stood beside me. He has never asked me to do anything that I was not comfortable doing, or that would be against my beliefs. I am beginning to think Gibbs has been more of a father to me then my own ever has. And the team has become my family, my brothers and sisters. I would easily die to protect any one of them.

I think this is where my fear is coming from. My nightmares. Having to look into my father's eyes and see the disappointment there. My gut, as Gibbs would say, tells me I am right. But can I truly trust my judgment? If I could make the wrong choice with Hoffman and almost lose my life, who's to say this is just not an extension of bad judgment? This is my dilemma, Catherine."

Catherine sat there looking at Ziva for a long moment. She sat up and swung her legs around, so she was facing the brunette.

"Ziva, I know this has got to be an agonizing decision for you to make. You're talking more than just a change in jobs, you talking a major change in your life. But sweetie, I think you need to look past the obvious changes here."

Catherine reached forward and taking Ziva's hands, brought them up to her lips for a soft kiss. "You are so unhappy right now. It's so plain to see that you regret the things you wouldn't allow yourself to feel. Sharing some simple joy with your team...your friends, because you thought it would make you seem weak. It's hard to walk around always being the strong one, the untouchable one. You don't have to tell me but I know that when you're alone, and it's just you and the walls, you feel lost and vulnerable. You're so afraid to let anyone close to you, because you're afraid they will hurt you, or someone will hurt them. Baby, that is no way to live! If I could peek into your life for just one moment, when the weapons have been put away, and there is no one to judge, all that is left is a scared, lonely woman."

Ziva couldn't look at Catherine, afraid she will see the truth in her words as well as the tears in her eyes.

Catherine placed her hand under Ziva's chin and lifted her head, making her look into her eyes. "That is what you need to weigh in order to make your decision. Do you want to continue this life that is so utterly bare and cold? Or do you want to take a chance on allowing yourself to feel, to live? You may get hurt, sweetie. But that's part of life. We take what we can from it and learn. It's scary, but even with all of your shut-off feelings, you've still been hurt. At least if you open up and allow someone in, you'll have someone to hold you until the pain passes."

Heaving a deep, tortured sigh, Ziva whispered, "I do not know how to feel these things, Catherine."

"Nonsense!" Catherine retorted. "You've felt many of them just on the short time you've been here. You're always saying you can't feel normal emotions, but that's just bullshit, and you know it! You feel them; you feel them all! You're just afraid to show them. You've hid them all in the dark for so long, you can't recognize them in the light. Why did you call me, Ziva? Why ask for help? That's not the Mossad way, yet you did it. You recognized that you could no longer do this all by yourself. For the first time, you looked in the mirror and saw the true reflection of what is happening to you. Even knowing that you had kept everyone so far away that the only person you could call is someone you haven't spoken to for years! Your soul was crying out, and for once you didn't ignore the sound."

Catherine ran her fingers along Ziva's jaw, lifting her head up again. "Don't get me wrong, baby. I'm glad you called me. Hell, I'm honored you thought of me. But don't you see what you did there? That simple act, even if out of desperation, was an act of trust. You trusted that I would keep my word. I said anytime, anywhere, I would be here for you. But that was a promise made five years ago! After you broke all contact with me, you still believed I would not turn you away."

"When you and I were at the club, you felt jealousy when that girl kissed me. Why? I'm not yours, you're not mine, and you never were. What we had back then was just a memory; something I pull out when I'm feeling lonely or especially old and unattractive. I remember when an exotic young woman desired me for a little while, and it helps me weather those moments. Later you experienced desire, and you gave to me unselfishly, refusing any pleasure for yourself. Even in your troubled state, you were tender to me, making sure I was satisfied. You didn't have to do that. I didn't expect it and would not have asked for it. You cared, if you know it or not, you cared about me. Don't you see that these are emotions?"

"It was sex, Catherine." Ziva stubbornly said. "Just sex. A release, nothing more." Laughing bitterly, she continued. "If there is one thing I am good at, it is pleasuring a woman, making her feel special. Be it for fun or...out of gratitude."

"Gratitude?" Catherine said softly, the hurt evident in her voice.

Ziva winces as her word is repeated back to her. "Catherine...I..."

"No, don't. Okay?" Catherine paused, struggling to not take the words personally. "You're doing what you always have done. Using your defenses to hide the fact that you may have been exhibiting a human emotion. Well, you know what? I'm not going to let you get away with it. You want more examples? Okay . Last night I asked you to trust me. I offered you comfort, and you gave up all of your defenses and accepted it. You can claim that was just sex too, but we both know better. The act was sex, yeah. But the emotions behind it was comfort and trust! And today? Oh, today was a fucking breakthrough of mammoth proportions!" Catherine exclaimed.

"We took trust: trust that I wouldn't laugh at you, or think you foolish and added joy! You were like a child. So filled with happiness and joy at the simple act of walking in the rain with someone special to you; your words, and who cared for you! What are you going to claim that was, Ziva? An experiment? You wanted to see if your clothes were i'wash and wear'?/i" Her tone changing to one more tender, Catherine continued. "I've never seen you so happy, Ziva. The smile on your face as we walked was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. You were happy, for just that one moment, you felt joy, freedom and even love. You loved the feelings you were having. You weren't afraid, or guarded. You were just Ziva. And God, it was an amazing sight to see!"

Catherine pulled Ziva from her chair to sit next to her. "All of these things that you think you must deny yourself? You can feel them, Ziva. You just have to let yourself feel them. It's not gonna happen overnight, and it won't be easy. But the more you find yourself, the more you let your friends help you, the better it will be. It's already in there, you just have to trust yourself to let it out."

Ziva looked into Catherine's eyes, searching for the punch line, if one was coming. All she saw was concern and something else she couldn't quite identify.

"Catherine, I am sorry for hurting you. I know my words hurt, and it was unkind of me. You were right, it is a defensive measure. You said something though that I wonder about. You mentioned that it has been five years since I saw you last. I know I hurt you then, yet you did not hesitate. All the other things you have done for me since I have been here...why Catherine? You owed me nothing. Not even friendship. So why have you done these things for me?"

Catherine smiled, touching Ziva's cheek, "Simply because I love you. I have from that first night, and never really stopped."

Ziva blinked. "Love me?"

Catherine laughed at Ziva's expression, "Don't freak out hon. Not, iI want to marry you' love. Not really. I did fall a little in love with you back then, but who can blame me? I was in love with the gift you gave me that week. I was feeling so bad about myself, about Sara, everything. I was feeling so...useless and unwanted. Then here you came, making me feel more beautiful and desired then I had ever felt in my life! You gave me the courage to go after Sara. If not for that week with you, I wouldn't have even had the time with her I did. Part of me likes to think that you could fall in love with me, but there is just too much road between us. But I do love you. I love who you were, who you are and who you can be. Simple as that, hon."

The sky had begun to darken again, and Ziva knew that there really wasn't much more left to say. She didn't know if or how she could express how much Catherine had helped her. Perhaps even saved her.

"Catherine. I do not want this to sound like I am saying it just because I feel I should. But that week with you...I too had begun to fall in love. You were like some kind of answer to my yearnings, but I could not tell you that. Not then. I convinced myself that I was being a silly child, falling in love with an older woman, who had freely given me something no one else had even tried to give. I was afraid of you. Afraid for you. That is why I stopped speaking to you. It was easier. Not better, just easier. I am so regretful for that decision." Ziva leaned forward and kissed Catherine softly.

Briefly pressing her forehead against Catherine's, Ziva looked into her eyes, "A mistake I plan to never make again, my love. You have given me such a precious gift, Catherine. Knowledge that I can trust someone and be trusted in return. I will never forget that."

The first raindrop fell, landing on Catherine's forehead, startling her and making her giggle.

"You know, Catherine," Ziva teased, "There is something else I always wanted to do in the rain."

Before Catherine could ask what that was, Ziva pulled her into a heated, passionate kiss as the rain began to pelt down.

Catherine gasped in surprise when Ziva's hands began to roam over her. The rain was coming down harder and both were soaked within seconds.

Ziva leaned back for just a moment, taking in the sight of Catherine's wet shirt clinging to her body. In one swift moment, she pulled the shirt over Catherine's head, exposing her to her delighted eyes. Catherine's eyes darken with arousal and she grabbed Ziva's shirt and tugged hard, popping buttons off before pulling it roughly from Ziva's body.

Ziva moaned and pushed her back onto the lounge chair, kissing her neck, then chest with the desperation that only comes from lust. She moved back to Catherine's lips, kissing her forcefully while her hands frantically fumbled at her shorts, unbuttoning and unzipping them. Catherine dug her fingers into Ziva's back as her body responded to the sudden assault.

Feeling like a dozen hands were touching and groping all at once, they both struggled to disrobe the other. Finally, they were free of the constraints of clothing, mouths kissing and biting exposed flesh, steam rising off of their overheated bodies as they ground into each other.

Ziva paused to look down at Catherine, over whelmed by her need for this woman. She slowed her assault, licking and sucking rain drops off her fevered skin. Catherine pulled herself forward, so she could lick the rain off of Ziva's shoulders before sinking her teeth into the soft flesh. Ziva cried out at the erotic sensation, which caused her to thrust her fingers deep into Catherine's center.

Catherine bent forward, moaning from the feeling of fullness, grappling at Ziva's back, clawing her, trying to hold on.

Ziva began to thrust quickly and powerfully into the redhead's center, intent on bringing her to climax before the rain ends.

Catherine twisted slightly and dropped her own hand down between them and slipped her fingers into Ziva's wet folds. As Ziva breathed in sharply at the unexpected touch, Catherine slid her fingers into her core.

As Ziva continued her frenzied thrusts, Catherine matched her thrust for thrust. Both woman moaned and bucked their hips uncontrollably. Ziva could feel Catherine's inner walls begin to tighten down on her fingers, and pushed her hips down onto Catherine's fingers, desperate to come with her.

"Now, Catherine!" Ziva yelled, "Please!"

Both women pressed their thumbs against the other's clit, flicking fast, as they thrust in rhythm. Their bodies were slamming against each other, hips bucking out of control, as orgasms hit them simultaneously.

Ziva cried out Catherine's name with a force that carried for blocks, while Catherine called her name over and over. As the last wave hit, Ziva claimed Catherine's mouth in a crushing kiss. Mouths crushed into each other, tongues moved in and out with blinding speed, groaning their individual release into the other.

They collapsed into each other's arms, gasping for breath, water running off of them in rivers. Catherine removed her fingers from Ziva, smiling at the whimper that escaped the brunette. Ziva was slower to move herself out of Catherine. She was intoxicated with the feeling of being inside of this fantastic woman. With a sigh of deep regret, she pulled herself out, again whimpering at the loss of the intimate contact.

The rain began to slow, then stop as they lay there wrapped in each other's arms, tenderly kissing, so lost in the moment they didn't notice the rain had stopped.

"I'm going to have to rewrite my bucket list," Ziva giggled. "I only had 'walk in the rain'. I need to add 'kiss' in the rain and 'make love' in the rain, just so I can have the pleasure of crossing them off."

Catherine playfully slapped Ziva's bare ass, laughing, "And I thought the kissing in the rain was fantastic! Who knew?"

Both women burst into helpless giggles, holding on tightly to one another.

"Come, let us go inside," Ziva said. "Before your neighbors see a side of you I would prefer was for my eyes only. I think we need to continue this in a more comfortable...and dry setting, yes?"

"Continue?" Catherine asked , eyebrow raised.

"Yes, continue." Ziva replied. " I have much more thanks to give you, and I need to practice some of those emotions."

Catherine laughed heartily as Ziva stood and pulled her into the house. Once she got Catherine to the bedroom, they didn't venture out again except by necessity for the remainder of Ziva's stay.

Ziva stood in the elevator as it slowly moved to her floor when her cell phone chirped, alerting her of a text message. Pulling out her cell phone, she smiled when she saw it was from Catherine. She opened the message and read "And she appeared out of the twilight, a vision before my unbelieving eyes. We held each other and danced all night, until she softly pulled away and vanished into the misty darkness. Was it all just a dream? I can't wait to see you again!"

Below this touching poem, was a comment from Catherine. "Ziva, I wanted to tell you what the past week meant to me. I found this online, and it was perfect. I already miss you more than I thought possible. Vegas seems a little colder and dull, now that you're gone. Love, Catherine. P.S. Look in your bag.

The elevator opened and Ziva stepped out into the NCIS bullpen, smiling. Two heads rose to watch her walk to her desk.

"Well, don't we look rested?" Tony quipped. "Nice vacation? Get everything settled, did ya?"

"Wow, Ziva! You look great!" Tim exclaimed.

Ziva smiled brightly at them, "It was quite relaxing and educational. It seems the desert air agrees with me."

Moving to her desk, she put her purse down and looked inside. At first she saw nothing out of the ordinary, but then noticed a white envelope pushed down the side. Pulling it out, she looked at it curiously, wondering for just a moment when Catherine could have placed it there.

She could feel Tony and Tim's eyes on her, "Whatcha got there Ziva? A love letter?" Tony asked, laughing.

Ziva just looked at him, and smiled before turning her back and opening it. She pulled out a brightly colored card, with the logo from an old television show, "Charlie's Angels", with the words, 'Got ya covered!' printed boldly across it. Ziva didn't know the show, but the silhouette of three women with guns amused her. Inside of the card she first read the printed text; "No matter what life throws at us... We can handle it. No problem. Whatever you need, I've got you covered."

On the left side of the card was a handwritten note from Catherine, "Ziva, I know I said it before, and I let this card say it too. But I will always be here for you. I kept my promise this time, and you can trust that I will always keep it!

I hope you're not afraid that I will assume anything about our relationship, because of this past week, but I can't pretend it didn't mean anything to me either. Amazing is too mild a word for you, babe! All I hope for is that you remain my friend. In my dreams, you will always be so much more! I will never forget the way I felt every time you touched me, every time you looked at me with that searing heat in your eyes! Ha-ha, you may have ruined me for any other woman, my love! I'll leave this as an open invitation. Remember, you are welcome to come to me anytime you need comfort, and I will be there for you; my home and my arms are always open to you. If all you require is my friendship; that too is always here waiting for you. Don't let so much time pass again, darling. All my love, Catherine."

Ziva was not surprised to find herself misting up at the honest, open expression of feelings from Catherine. She closed the card, raised it to her lips and whispered, "I'll remember. I'll always remember."

She closed her eyes for a moment, allowing a secret little smile to cross her lips. She opened them just as Gibbs walked swiftly past her desk.

Gibbs just looked at her with a small smile on his face. "You back, Ziva?"

"Yes, sir. I am."

"Good, we got work to do and you're behind!" he said sternly, then shot her a smile.

Ziva smiled back, flipping open her cell phone. "Just have to send a quick message to a friend." Typing quickly into her phone, she sent a short but to the point message. "Thank you Catherine, just for being everything that you are. I will not forget...anything."

Closing the phone with a new confident smile on her face, she turned to Gibbs.

"It is good to see you, Gibbs." Glancing over at her coworkers she said, "It is so good to see you all, my friends!"

Ziva ignored the shocked looks on Tony and Tim's faces, and turned to the monitor mounted on the wall.

" So, what do we have today?"