Title: Learning As We Go
Author: Caera1996
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: None of the recognizable characters are mine.
WC: 5,225
Summary: Part of The Basics of Primary Ed. AU. This picks up immediately after the end of that original story, though it technically is not necessary to read it first. Hannah McCoy's visit has Jim feeling out of sorts. His brother, Leonard, and Hannah herself help.

"So what's she like?" Sam asked, the brightness causing him to squint as he turned his head to look at his younger brother. Jim shrugged, keeping his eyes closed.

"She's been very…polite," he replied.

"Polite, huh?" Sam said. He kept his eyes on his brother, seeing the tension in the lines around his mouth and his eyes. Sam sighed and closed his eyes. It was quiet at the Kirk's pool today. Aurelan and the girls were camping with Kim's Girl Scout Troop. They'd be back tomorrow. Today, Jim was taking advantage of having his brother to himself. They'd spent most of the day building Aurelan's new office desk and moving her old one into the room the girls used for arts and crafts, and now they were relaxing. It was just good to be together; joking, laughing, not having to worry about every word coming out of his mouth. These last couple of days were exhausting, and Jim knew he was doing it to himself – that he should just relax around Hannah McCoy and just be who he was – but he couldn't help it, and he needed a break.

Sightseeing was on today's agenda for the McCoys, and though Bones had invited Jim to come, he'd begged off. He felt bad for the flash of disappointment in Bones' eyes, and had nearly caved when Joanna started with the "Please, Uncle Jim – I want you to come with us!" But then he'd briefly caught Hannah's eyes as she braided Joanna's hair…and that had made it a little easier to smile and make up an excuse. It wasn't anything in particular – she wasn't glaring daggers at him or anything like that – but he could see that soft disappointment in her eyes…the look that mothers seemed to have down pat.

"She's only known about Bones for a couple of days," Jim said. "She's trying – she's polite, and civil, and interested in my work – and I can see she just doesn't like me." Sam was quiet for a moment, considering. Jim had always been a sensitive kid, caring a lot more about what people thought of him than he'd ever admit. And though he probably did intellectually understand Mrs. McCoy's side of things, Sam knew that Jim couldn't help but take her attitude personally. It was just the way he was. The fact that their own mother had subscribed to the "don't ask, don't tell" culture of the military, something she was familiar and comfortable with, had hurt Jim, and caused a rift in their relationship that they never quite managed to bridge. She ignored that part of Jim, and it made Jim feel like she was ignoring him. Sam also knew that there was probably nothing he could say to make him feel any better about it, but he said it anyway.

"It's not you, Jim. I'm sure she likes you well enough. It's the fact that you and her son are together that she doesn't like. And like you said, it's only been a couple of days. She'll come around." Jim snorted softly and looked over at his brother.

"I thought I was supposed to be the optimistic one," he said. "You're the down-to-earth, overly serious one." Sam shrugged, a small smile on his face.

"Well, you were coming up a bit short there, so I thought I should step in," he said. Jim sighed.

"Can't help it. Besides, there's not much difference between not liking me, and not liking my relationship with Bones, and I really don't think that's going to change for her any time soon." Sam glanced over at his brother at that. They'd not really talked too much about the state of his relationship with Leonard…more out of respect for Leonard than anything else. He had a private personality, and while Sam had no problem needling his younger brother, he didn't feel the same nonchalance when it came to the other man. That would probably change, he knew, as they all got to know each other better. But for now, he'd maintained a polite distance.

"So, is this relationship as serious as that sounds?" Sam asked. Jim smiled slightly.

"What do you think?"

"I think Leonard is the type of person who does serious, or does nothing at all."

"That about sums it up," Jim agreed, nodding slightly.

"And…you're okay with all of this?" The careful tone of that question made Jim chuckle.

"A little late to be asking that, don't you think, Sam?" Sam shrugged.

"No. It's not too late to make sure you're where you want to be. You're young," he said. "And I know how you've felt about things being long-term, and not only is this long-term, it's long-term with baggage, and…" Jim sighed, cutting him off. This was starting to sound like the conversation he'd had with Bones a while ago about whether or not he was going to change his mind.

"Bones and I have already talked about this, Sam. I'm young, I could change my mind, every other relationship in my life was just for fun – I know all that. But this, this is different. It is serious, and no, I'm not going to change my mind. And I'm very okay with it…and I'm, well, I'm scared to death I'm going to do something to screw it up because I've never felt like this before – like I can't be me anymore without him." Jim flushed and kept his eyes closed.

Sam was quiet for a moment, then in typical big brother fashion, couldn't help himself. "So – he completes you," he said. Jim's coloring went a little darker at that and Sam chuckled.

"You're such an ass," he mumbled, embarrassed by how sappy he knew he sounded. The fact that Jim essentially agreed with him didn't help much. But then he rallied a little and met his brother's eyes, his flush fading. "He's so important to me, Sam. I don't know how that happened, but it did. And now, I just can't imagine not having him and Joanna in my life."

"I know," Sam said quietly. "I can see it when you look at him Jim. I see it in Leonard too, by the way. He looks at you the same way. Are you worried about how Mrs. McCoy's attitude might affect your relationship?" Jim hesitated before answering, weighing the situation. Was he still worried about that, or was he just uncomfortable with it?

"A little, maybe," he finally admitted. "Bones made it clear that no matter how Hannah reacted, it wasn't going to change things between us, but she's his mother, Sam. You should've heard him on the phone the night he told her and she left for a while. He sounded so…hurt. And I gotta admit I'm kinda pissed at her for that. I mean, I get it – but, come on. He loves her. He's her son. Why can't she just be happy that he has someone who loves him and Joanna?" Sam could hear the frustration in Jim's voice, and he knew there was no good answer to this question, so he didn't even try. There was no changing peoples' minds for them…they had to do it themselves. And sometimes it was a slow process. And sometimes it didn't happen at all.

"Look, maybe she won't ever be able to completely accept Leonard, but whether or not she does has nothing to do with you personally. Or Leonard, himself for that matter. And, yeah, she walked out. But she did come back, and you said it yourself – she's trying. Which is a hell of a lot more than some people do. You've been down this road before, Jim. You know that at the end of the day all that you can be responsible for is your own conduct and happiness. As long as you two love each other, and have each other, what she thinks shouldn't matter all that much to you anyway. Also, you and Leonard always have us." Jim smiled at his brother, grateful that he managed to say what he needed to hear.

"Thanks, Sam. I know all of that, but it's good to be reminded every now and then. I guess…I guess I just wanted it to be easier."

"Wanted what to be easier?" A third voice came to them from the other side of the gate to the pool area. Jim's face lit up when he heard him.

"Bones! What are you doing here? How was the sightseeing?" Jim jumped up to unlatch the gate and let Leonard in, half expecting to see his mother and daughter in tow. He was alone, though, to Jim's quiet relief. Bones caught him in a tight, but brief hug.

"It was nice – we went downtown, took a trolley ride, poked around Chinatown a bit. Now Joanna and Mom are having some girl time so I needed to make myself scarce. Hey Sam – sorry for coming around to the back, but no one was answering the door, and Jim's car…" Sam waved him off.

"No worries…you're welcome here any time." Sam glanced at his watch. "Speaking of time, I've got to get inside – working tonight," he explained at Leonard's curious glance. Sam picked up the few items he'd had with him. "I'm not usually at the hotel after 6:00, but I figured since the girls were out of town I may as well. But you guys are welcome to stay as long as you want. Good to see you Leonard," Sam said as he headed back into the house.

"I think I'll get going too. Let me just bring everything in. Have a good night, Sam," Jim said. Sam waved and threw a smile over his shoulder. Jim turned back to Leonard. "How much time do you have, Bones? And how did you know I was here?" he asked as he moved to gather his sunglasses, water bottle and book. Leonard shrugged.

"Well, you weren't at your place, so I took an educated guess. I've got a couple of hours, at least. I told them we'd be back in time for dinner." Jim paused in what he was doing.

"We?" he asked. Leonard pressed his lips together and took a moment to really look at Jim…and he looked stressed.

"Jim, come here," Leonard said, gently grasping his arm. He took the things Jim was holding and placed them on the patio table. Confused, Jim allowed it, and when Leonard leaned in and kissed him, it took a moment for him to respond. Leonard deepened the kiss, holding Jim to him, losing himself in the feel and taste of him. After a moment, he felt Jim's body relax as his hands came up and gently carded through Leonard's hair. Breaking apart only when the need to breathe won out, Leonard still didn't let go, hugging him tenderly, gently rocking where they stood in place, swaying to the sound of the wind chimes in the breeze. "It's been too long since we've done that." Leonard said softly. Jim chuckled against his shoulder.

"Bones, it's been, like two days." Leonard pulled away to look in Jim's eyes.

"Like I said, too long. And yes, we have to be back to my place in a couple of hours. You're part of my family, Jim. Being part of the family means coming to dinner."

"But…don't you think your mom might want to have you to herself?" Jim asked, trying to keep his voice light. Leonard gave him a small smile and brushed his hair away from his forehead. Despite Jim's efforts at keeping his discomfort to himself over the last couple of days, Leonard was very well aware of it. Jim wasn't acting like himself, whether in the presence of his mother or not. Leonard knew it was his anxiety over the situation, and he loved Jim even more for going along with everything and being so supportive despite the fact that it was obviously difficult for him. Jim had never said anything about it outright, but Leonard wondered how much the relationship he had with Winona before she passed away was affecting him now. It didn't take a genius to figure out that dealing with Leonard's mother was almost more stressful for Jim that it was for him.

"I don't intend to leave you out of family activities, Jim," he paused for a moment. "Or keep who you are hidden away like some family secret." Jim winced slightly…very slightly. But Leonard still saw it. "And anyone who ever made you feel like that was something you should expect and tolerate was an idiot." Jim looked away, unable to think of anything to say to that. The fact that Leonard seemed to be able to read him so thoroughly was a little disconcerting. Leonard hugged him again, and Jim held on tightly. "Sometimes the people we love are idiots," he said softly into Jim's hair. "And then we have to choose to ignore it, and love them anyways, you know?"

"Yeah…I do," Jim replied hesitantly. Leonard nodded slightly, suspicions confirmed. He didn't know why Jim hadn't talked to him about this before – about the way his mother had reacted to finding out her youngest son was attracted to men – but it didn't matter. Maybe they'd talk about it later. For now, Leonard just wanted to make sure Jim knew he was perfect and loved just the way he was. He knew he could only do so much – the insecurities he still had were personal ones – but he would do his best.

Leonard glanced at the house, feeling a little self-conscious as he wondered if Sam was watching them. He shook it off. Jim needed him. Sam had made it clear they were welcome here, and Jim obviously felt comfortable here. "Let's sit," Leonard said. He settled on one of the chaise lounges and Jim joined him, resting against Leonard's chest, sitting between his legs. Jim pulled his knees up slightly and let his head fall back to rest against Leonard's shoulder. "Do you want to tell me?" Leonard asked softly, drawing his hands up and down Jim's arms before wrapping his arms around Jim's chest. Jim sighed.

"You're handling this so much better than I am, and she's your mother," Jim said. Leonard shrugged slightly.

"Mom is…an interesting person. She grew up in the Deep South, but she never really subscribed to a lot of the cultural proclivities common to that community. She was kind of a black sheep in that respect, you know? She always did things her own way, never minding what was "proper" for a girl back then. I knew she was going to have a hard time with this because of the whole religion thing, but I was also pretty sure she would be able to…work around it, so to speak." He paused. "Though I did think she'd take it a little better than she initially did. I know she'll never look at me the same way again…and I think she's going to spend a lot of time wondering what she could've done differently to keep this from happening…but I can't be responsible for her. I can only be responsible for myself, and my own happiness. And I'm happy with you." Jim chuckled and turned his head to kiss Leonard's jaw.

"Sam said almost the same thing to me earlier. He said 'in the end I'm responsible for my own conduct and happiness'…or something like that. I'm happy with you, too, by the way."

"Sam's a smart guy," Leonard said. Jim huffed.

"Yeah, yeah…you two are geniuses." He paused and shifted a little. "My mom – well, we just didn't talk about it. I know she knew about me – she just pretended it wasn't there." Leonard nodded, thinking back to when Jim had told him that their relationship was okay as long as they stuck to what was okay to bring up and what wasn't.

"That must've been hard," Leonard said. Jim shrugged and nodded, his body showing his inner conflict about the situation.

"Sometimes," he said. "I think it hurt because she basically denied who I was by not acknowledging it. Like I would be less my father's son, less her son, if it were true, so just pretend it isn't, you know? And it was like that right up to the day she died."

"I'm sorry you had to deal with that, Jim," Leonard said. Jim shrugged.

"What are you gonna do? Can't change peoples' minds for them," he said, again echoing Sam's earlier words. "I think I…I just wish things with your mom were different."

"Easier," Leonard said, repeating what he'd overheard when he first arrived.

"Yeah," Jim sighed. And then Leonard got it. He understood why Jim seemed so stressed; why he wanted Leonard's mom to like and accept him. He was looking for what his own mother didn't give him. Leonard nodded and held him a little tighter. That might never happen, but he would hope. After sitting together for a little while longer, Leonard drew his fingers though Jim's hair.

"Did you want to get going?" he asked. Jim took a deep breath in and shifted slightly, turning his body so that he was lying more on his side, cuddling against Leonard's chest. It was a cloudy 72 degrees today, and if not for the fact that they were wrapped around each other, it would've almost been chilly in the breeze.

"Nah, too comfortable. Let's just stay here," Jim said. Leonard smiled and poked him in the side, making him squirm a little.

"Lazy bum," he said fondly. Jim grunted at that, but Leonard made no move to force him up, so he allowed his eyes to close, listening to the steadiness of the heart in the chest of the man he loved.

Jim and Leonard parked in the lot in their separate cars a short while later. Leonard stood and waited for Jim to exit his car so they could walk into the house together. The time they were able to spend together had done Jim good, Leonard decided. He didn't look nearly as uncomfortable. He was still being more subdued than usual, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

"Hey," Leonard said, giving Jim's wrist a gentle squeeze. "You know, there's a reason I fell in love with you…I mean, aside from your good looks and obvious intellect," he added, teasingly. Jim chuckled slightly and gently bumped Leonard's shoulder with his own. "Just be yourself, okay?" Jim nodded, and made a conscious effort to relax, feeling his face smooth out into what was probably a less-pinched expression. Leonard opened the door, noting that it wasn't locked. He rolled his eyes and Jim grinned at his exasperation.

"Mom?" he called, moving through the apartment. "You guys here?"

"We're in my room Daddy!" Joanna called. He and Jim headed down the hall to find Hannah and Joanna sitting on her bed, playing a game of Candy Land. There were more than two game pieces on the board though, indicating that they were playing Joanna's version of the game…the rules of which changed irregularly and without warning.

"Hi Daddy…oh, hi Uncle Jim!" Joanna said, catching sight of him in the hall. She slid off her bed and ran over to him, throwing her arms around his waist. He was caught off guard a little by this enthusiastic greeting, but he reached down and swung her up into his arms, giving her a quick hug.

"Hey there, Joanna. Did you have fun with your dad and gramma today?" Jim asked, feeling the familiar curl of self-consciousness in his stomach as he resisted the urge to glance at Hannah.

"Yeah! We took a trolley ride and saw some pretty things. I think I like the train better though," she added after a moment. "It's like a fast ride. I'm beating Gramma at Candy Land," she informed him. Now, he did look over at the board and smiled at Hannah. He set Joanna down and she hurried back over.

"Is this the special Joanna version of the game?" he asked her.

"The very same," Hannah replied. Jim nodded knowingly.

"She manages to beat me every time," Jim said. "I don't know how she does it!" Hannah looked over her glasses at him, and then at her granddaughter who was giggling.

"It's because you don't know the rules, Uncle Jim! I'm winning against Gramma too – she doesn't know the rules either."

"Well," Hannah said, standing up. "Why don't you see if your daddy is any better at it than I am. Jim and I are going to go get dinner started."

"Okay! Daddy…come sit down!" Joanna said. Leonard gently squeezed Jim's shoulder as he went to join his daughter. He met Jim's eyes briefly. He didn't know what his mother was up to, but he hoped she wouldn't say anything to hurt Jim. He didn't think she would…she knew how he felt.

"Leonard, she could do with a wash-up too, we did some playing in the garden. How are you in the kitchen Jim?"

"Uhh – I'm really good at microwaving things," he said, shooting an uncertain glance at Leonard. Jim didn't find any help there, just a helpless shrug and shake of the head. Jim scowled at him and Leonard smiled slightly. Jim was on his own.

"Really?" Hannah was saying, as she headed out of the room, assuming Jim would follow. "I can never get those things to do anything properly." Jim moved to follow her to the kitchen. "Well, dinner won't be difficult to slap together. I just really wanted a moment with you. We haven't really had much opportunity to talk." Jim stayed quiet as he watched her pull some ingredients out of the refrigerator. "Let's see…can you find the cutting board? I don't know where Leonard keeps it."

"Sure," he said. Retrieving it, he moved to the counter, looking at the materials Hannah had pulled out. "What's on the menu?"

"Cheeseburgers and baked fries," Hannah replied. "It was a favorite fun meal. Leonard never allowed it often, but it's always a favorite and since I'm not here long. Can you cut a potato into French-fry shapes?" She asked, peering up at him. He smiled, relaxing slightly at her easy demeanor.

"I think I can handle that," he replied.

"Great. I'll peel, you wash and cut." They worked in silence for a few minutes. Jim wanted to ask so many things…about Leonard as a child, about their life in Georgia, how she was handling not having them close by…but he held back, feeling reticent and unsure how that would be received.

"Joanna missed you today," Hannah said after a couple of minutes, keeping her eyes on the potatoes she was peeling. She was conscious of the pause in Jim's movements beside her as he cut the peeled potatoes into shapes suitable for French fries.

"I – uh – thought you maybe wanted some time alone with B- Leonard and Jo," he said quietly. Hannah looked up at him over the rims of her glasses.

"And I thank you for that. I just want to make sure you know you are always welcome to join us, Jim," she said, going back to what she was doing. Jim felt an uncomfortable flush rising up his neck and face.

"Thank you," he replied, really not sure what else to say. He was annoyed at himself at how uncomfortably awkward he still felt. Hannah had been nothing but polite, and tonight she seemed to be making a special effort, and Jim knew there really was no reason for his discomfort. He was sure it was probably a combination of how he knew she felt about his relationship with her son and his conflicting desire to have her like him…he rolled his eyes at himself. Chris Pike would have a field day with this.

Hannah, for her part, was rather openly observing the young man beside her. Joanna had excitedly talked about him in the context of being her teacher – about how he had a classroom lizard that she was in charge of taking care of during the summer months, about the welcome book, about the states project, learning multiplication, about having her read to the class, and many other things that had stood out to her during the short time she'd been a kindergartener – and she'd been impressed. He was young to have such a command over the concepts of a "successful classroom". Most kids his age were still hung up on creating ever-more complicated rubrics and sliding scales to best represent their students' ability levels. Most don't figure out until later on that success is sometimes less concrete than percentiles on a perfect Bell curve. But Jim seemed to get it, to Joanna's benefit, and Hannah admired that about him.

Something else Joanna had mentioned was how reserved Jim had been recently. What she actually said was, "Usually, Gramma, Uncle Jim talks more'n me! And he laughs a lot. I like that he makes Daddy laugh, too." But the Jim Joanna had described was not the Jim Hannah had seen, and she was aware that she was probably the reason for that, unintentional though it was. She'd been careful to be as neutral as she could, and she'd thought she'd done a fairly good job at it, but apparently they had some air to clear, 'cause the boy was avoiding looking at her, and he looked like he was choking on something. Rolling her eyes, she set her knife down and turned to him, taking her glasses off.

"Jim, why don't you drop those pieces on the baking sheet, then come sit out in the garden with me for a minute."

"Uh – what about dinner..."

"Leonard's a smart boy. He'll come in here, see us sitting outside, and get on with things. I want to talk to you, and I don't want to worry about little ears." Hannah rinsed her hands and headed out the backdoor that led to the garden area. Jim dithered in the kitchen, desperately wishing that Bones would come back with Joanna and get him out of this. He could only imagine what Hannah wanted to talk about, and he really didn't want to have that conversation.

Finally, though, he took a breath, gave himself a quick and stern pep talk, and joined Hannah in the garden. She was sitting on the little bench, and Jim gingerly sat beside her. There was silence for a moment – which Jim was happy to let continue – then Hannah sighed.

"I imagine Leonard has told you about my less-than-thrilled response to his… announcement," she said. Jim glanced at her, feeling like he was on very shaky ground here. She didn't sound upset or embarrassed or anything like that…just very matter-of-fact. Well, he could do that, too. But he didn't intend to betray Bones' confidence, either. Just because she happened to guess correctly didn't mean he had to confirm.

"When we originally discussed telling you he shared his concerns," Jim replied carefully.

"Hm. I'm sure," she said. "Well, whatever he told you, it wasn't correct." She held up a hand to forestall Jim's next words. "Let me explain first, please." Jim nodded, even though he was quite sure she wasn't waiting for his go-ahead. "What I mean by that is that Leonard is incapable of completely understanding my reasons for the way I feel. The philosophies that shape our views are very different, and he will never see things through the same lens I do, and he never has. Because of that, whatever he told you wasn't completely correct." She paused, and Jim turned to look at her fully.

"You're initial reaction seemed pretty in line with what he was concerned about," he said, a little coolly. Hannah nodded slightly.

"Yes. However, it is the reason for the way I reacted that Leonard will likely never understand. And if he can't understand the reason, he can't understand the reaction," she said. Jim wasn't sure he agreed with this, but he held his tongue on the matter. He supposed it was true enough in that he understood that the basis for her objections were religious, and he really didn't get that.

"What you need to understand, Jim," she continued. "Is that I am doing my best in a situation that is difficult for me. And I make no apologies for that. I also want to make sure you understand that the way I feel about this development in Leonard's life is not a reflection of how I feel about you. You seem like a very nice, intelligent, polite young man. Joanna has benefited from your skills as a teacher – which are impressive, by the way – and she obviously is very fond of you. Leonard is…well, he's happier than I've seen since in quite a while. And that leaves me in a very…confusing position. I'm grateful to you for making my son a happier person, and for being someone who was able to see how extraordinary my granddaughter is, but I'm struggling with what you are to each other." Jim was quiet for a moment, thinking about everything Hannah had just said. It was…refreshing…to be able to talk about it, even knowing her position. It was something his own mother had never been willing to do. And, in that context, he had a lot of respect for her. She didn't have to make this effort with him – Jim wasn't anything to her – yet, here she was, trying anyway. He cleared his throat and looked over at her.

"Thank you for saying all of that, Hannah. It was…good to hear. And I appreciate the effort you're making." He paused and looked away. She'd been honest with him…he should return the favor. "My mother wasn't…she died before we were able to talk like this. I know how much it hurts to have a parent not accept who you are…and I never wanted that for Leonard. I, uh, I didn't want him to tell you because of that." Hannah took his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"I'm sorry about your momma, Jim," she said. "But I can guarantee you it was only her love and concern for you that made it hard for her to accept that part of who you are. It may not have seemed that way, but mothers are funny like that. Concern, anger and disappointment all look very much alike when they're amplified by love. We all do the best we can." Jim swallowed and nodded. They sat there for a couple of minutes longer, her hand warm around his. Presently, they heard the door open, and the smell of hamburgers wafted out to them.

"Mom? Jim? Dinner's just about ready," Leonard said.

"Be right there, Son," Hannah answered. Jim heard the door close, and Hannah patted his knee. "Come on, then. Let's have dinner – and I want to hear about how you got Leonard to walk on that bridge."

Jim smiled and stood, feeling so much better about this whole situation than he had since Bones had first brought it up.

"It wasn't easy," Jim said, moving to open the door for her.

"Well, that seems to be the way, doesn't it? Things that are worth it rarely are," Hannah replied.

Silently, Jim agreed.