Disclaimer: I don't own In Plain Sight, but I will do abominable things with the characters!

Author's Note: Everyone's waiting for another chapter of Fish Out of Water, which will be forthcoming as soon as I stop feverishly sweating at night instead of sleeping, so hopefully tomorrow. Being sick is so annoying! In the meantime, here's a little something I whipped up over on LiveJournal. I hope it helps to tide y'all over until then!

Warnings: Contains brief nudity without description, an implied sexual act in a humorous context, and lewd banter. F-word is used once. Strong T, but I'm not rating M because I don't want to imply more than there is. Read at your own discretion! =P

Unwelcome Surprises: A Fabinx Fic!

Part 1 - Try Not to Look Directly At It

Mary rocketed out of the government SUV, eager to be free from its confines. She'd been on the road for six hours straight after relocating a particularly annoying witness. The man had talked both her and Marshall's ears off for the duration of the trip out, so much so that for the duration of the return trip even Marshall had been quiet, willingly allowing the thrumming of the engine to blanket them in a white noise that was reasonably close to silence. The entire trip had been horribly irritating, and Mary wanted nothing more than pizza and beer.

Something she felt was a distinct upside, however, was the fact that she was now able to entertain Marshall in the comfort of her own home. She really didn't understand why people went on about the loneliness of an empty nest; sure, she occasionally missed her mother and sister, but she would never miss the messes, the drama, and the surprises of a Pearl Harbor nature. That, and she could finally repay all the times she'd enjoyed his hospitality.

She found her living room warm, welcoming, and blissfully empty, bathed in the light of the late-afternoon sun. Plopping her ready bag on the floor and chucking her keys on the table, Mary flopped onto the couch and heaved a sigh. She was so tense that the effort of trying to unwind was almost painful. Relaxation didn't seem like it should be that hard.

Marshall followed her in, his own bag in hand as he planned to use her shower after the long drive. Her eyes followed his progress discreetly; she couldn't help but notice how good he looked in the warm glow of the room. It was really good lighting for him, she decided. Not that she'd tell him that. No, she was content to enjoy the show secretly, for now.

He was halfway to the bathroom when he froze; there had been a scraping sound like furniture on concrete and what sounded like a stifled scream, and the sound had come from Mary's backyard. He looked to her with alarm, and with a shake of her head as she reached for her gun, she informed him that no one else was supposed to be there. How her real identity could have gotten leaked, she had no idea, but the risk of danger was ever present. Marshall silently put down his bag and drew his own weapon, allowing her to slip past him before they approached the back door.

In truth, he hated letting her go first; it increased the likelihood that she'd be the one to take a bullet instead of him, and he'd rather be shot than face that nightmare again, but her smaller frame made it possible for both of them to gain a line of sight in close quarters. That, and it was her house. Though he was nearly as familiar with it as he was his own, she was extremely territorial and would resent not being allowed to take point in defense of her home.

Mary's heart pounded in her ears as they reached the door, each taking a position on opposite sides of it. Her training kept her collected, but she was enraged at the idea that someone would invade her newly reclaimed property. Her adrenaline would have been running high anyway, given the situation, but the circumstances had her doubly pissed.

Marshall put his hand on the doorknob, looking to her for a nod before he lightly twisted it and pushed the door open. Mary rounded the frame, bringing her weapon to bear as Marshall took up a firing position behind her.

Jinx screamed in terror as she stared down the barrel of her daughter's gun, digging her fingers into the mess of salt-and-pepper hair nestled between her thighs. The owner of the mistreated mop, dressed in khaki shorts and a shirt with parrots all over it, yelped in pain at the abuse befalling his head. He pulled back, trying to see what was going on and fumbling, as an officer of the law might, for a holster he wasn't wearing.

"What the hell is going on here?" Mary yelped, fully aware that she'd just caught some guy in her backyard going downtown on her mother, but unable to process that fact. The man looked up and smiled winningly, his shoulders sagging in relief as he realized he probably wasn't about to get shot.

"Oh, hello, Kitten," Faber greeted Mary, still grinning and apparently believing himself to be suave.

Jinx yanked her sarong back into place, but not quickly enough. Mary caught movement in her periphery and found Marshall blushing like a lobster and looking away, holding a hand up to shield his eyes for good measure.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" she asked, holstering her weapon as she turned back to Faber, aghast as the pieces of what she'd seen started fitting together in her head. This had to be the end result of a disastrous combination of their mutual tendency toward random, undesired visits.

"Well, Mary, we were just looking at my old vacation brochures," Jinx spoke up, gesturing unconvincingly to the file box where it sat on an empty pool chair; the brochures within looked completely undisturbed since Mary had seen them last.

"Yeah, I'm on vacation myself," Faber added, plucking at his horrendous Hawaiian-parrot shirt. "What do you think?"

"I think my backyard is a screwy choice of vacation destination," Mary replied with a glare.

"Please, Kitten, the pool at your mom's place is way too public. They definitely don't encourage visits to the Deep South, if you know what I mean."

Mary heard Marshall gag softly behind her. He muttered something about excusing himself and vanished into the house.

"You know what?" Mary snapped. "While I find it wrong on so many levels that you're apparently doing my mom, when all is said and done, I don't really care that much. You're both consenting adults and I really wasn't that interested in you anyway."

She paused, pinching the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. "However, I'm going to make one thing perfectly clear. My home, my yard, and my pool are not the Love Boat. They are the Champagne Room. And as you may recall, there is no sex in the Champagne Room!"

"Mary, I'm so terribly embarrassed," Jinx began. Mary had no doubt her mother was embarrassed, though she doubted very much that she was actually as contrite as her tone implied.

"Aren't we all?" she replied, a sarcastic smile plastered on her face. "Now, why don't you both get the hell out of my yard so I can go inside, order a pizza, and pretend this never happened?"

"No need to get bent out of shape, Kitten," Faber grinned, having enough nerve to eye her up and down as he led her mother by the hand to the gate.

"Ooh, Mike, we can go back to my place to finish your oral exam, if you want to," Jinx giggled, acting as if Mary couldn't hear. "I know I do."

"Well, Doll, it's been said that I'm quite the cunning linguist," he oozed in return as the gate fell shut behind them.

Heaving a long suffering sigh, Mary plodded back into the house. It just figured that Faber could come up with more than one disgusting nickname for a woman.

She found her partner sitting on a chair at the kitchen island, staring blankly at the granite, his face now so pale that he looked like he might be sick. Mary walked past him and began rummaging in the cupboards.

"I can't believe… your mother… and Faber," he finally spoke.

"Yeah, I know. I can't wrap my head around it either," she stated as she drew back from the cupboard with two shot glasses and a bottle of whiskey in her hands.

"I think… I think I saw your mom's…" Marshall trailed off, a haunted look in his eyes as he watched her pour for them both and knock her shot back.

"Box of misery?" she asked, continuing at his answering nod. "Stronger men than you have been driven to drink by the sight of it," she said consolingly as she put his shot in front of him. He picked it up with trembling fingers and tossed his head back as he downed the liquor.

"Listen, Mare," he said a moment later, "do you mind if I take that shower now? I feel… kinda…"

"Dirty?" she finished for him; he nodded again, still looking disturbed and rather out of it. "Yeah, go ahead."

Without another word, Marshall stood up almost robotically and made for the bathroom, picking up his abandoned ready bag on the way. Mary pursed her lips, contemplating the events of the afternoon while she listened to the sound of running water from the shower. Sure, it had been a shock, and it wouldn't be funny anytime in the immediate future, but this was something she could eventually picture herself having a laugh over someday… provided it didn't happen again.

Picking up the phone, Mary dialed for pizza. Once she placed their usual order, feeling a little thrill at having it sent to her address for once, she pulled a couple of beers out of the fridge and carried them to the living room, setting them on the coffee table. She walked over to the DVD rack and browsed her selection.

Immediately, a title jumped out at her. American Pie. She was pretty sure it belonged to Brandi; at least, she knew it wasn't hers. She remembered watching it with her sister once. There had been a scene where one of the characters had walked in on his mom doing one of his high school classmates… How appropriate, Mary thought. She pulled the case from the shelf and moved to the DVD player to put the disc in, just in time to hear the shower shut off.

Fifteen minutes later, Marshall was sitting next to her on the couch, dressed casually in an untucked button-down shirt and blue jeans, hair combed but still wet, and she was leaning against him as he giggled at the opening scene of the movie. The beer was cold, the flick was funny, pizza was on its way, and Marshall smelled good. Mary smiled. Things were already on their way back to normal.

A/N: Let me know what you think! Part 2 will be the reward for those with a raunchy enough sense of humor to enjoy this! =P

And don't worry, my other in-progress fics are still on deck, I'm just too sick to give them the attention they deserve. They'll be back when I am well! =)