Summary: Nice little collection of one shots where Jacob and Edward try to get rid of the ever so annoying Bella. Sadly the girl just doesn't seem to get that the guys are more interested in each other then her! Humor, Jacob/Edward Bella Lovers BEWARE!

AN: A big THANK YOU to everyone who has reviewed this story. I hope that you like the new/last chapter and if I get enough reviews I will do a part two. Again thanks for reading!

The Bella Is A Moron Files

The Cullen's and the pack were hanging out on the beach in La Push for a celebration. Jacob and Edward were engaged to be married so the two clans were throwing them a party. They laughed and talked as the family began catching the pack members up on the events thus far.

Needless to say that their laughter could be heard from miles away.

"She has got to be the most clueless person on the face of the planet. How is she not noticing all of the man boy action going on? I mean she walked in and you were balls deep in Edwards pasty dead ass. What the fuck did she think was going on?" questioned Paul with a grin.

This earned him a look of death from Edward.

"What? Dude you're like 107 years old and dead. You're a serious pedophile with a thing for bestiality. Not to mention the fact that you're getting Jake into Necrophilia."

"Fuck you Paul. Don't listen to them babe they're just jealous." Jacob said kissing Edward on the cheek.

Leah slapped Paul on the back of the head but somehow she couldn't hide her laughter.

"Hey Jake, Necrophilia…when you feel the need to cracking open a cold one!"

Everyone was laughing, even Carlisle. Well everyone except Edward.

"Not funny Embry! Stop being an asshole." Sam spoke before returning to his beer.

"Forgive my brother. He lost his sense of humor and the ability to show any other emotion besides emo ages ago. I thought that joke was fucking great," replied Emmett from spot next to Rosalie.

At that moment Quil, who had been looking down Rosalie's shirt suddenly felt himself loosing his erection.

Why the hell does it feel like someone just poured fabric softener on my dick?

This thought alerted Edward to a certain presence before the dim wit could even speak.

"Hey guys! I'm here!"

Everyone gasped in shock as they looked up to see the girl dressed like a bride. However most brides did not wear knee and elbow pads. In her hand was a piece of paper.

"Shit" groaned Edward.

It was the softener.

Rosalie growled, Esme snarled, Carlisle rolled his eyes and kept a hand on his wife while Paul laughed as did Leah and Seth. Sam and Billy looked indifferent leaving only Jacob to smile in the poor girls direction.

"What the fuck does she have on? I tell ya Edward, you really know how to pick'em." Joked Emmett.

"It's my wedding dress duh. It says right here on the invitation that a engagement party going on tonight for Edward and Jacob. I can't believe that they put his name here instead of mine. Oh well, mistakes happen."

Edward could not believe that someone had slipped her an invite.

It could only have been one person and he was now hiding himself behind his blond mate.

Damn Emmett to hell Edward thought to himself as he turned back to Bella.

"Ok this has been going on for far too long. Bella, Jacob and I have been seeing each other for months now and we are the ones getting married. Besides your snatch always smells like rotting garbage, you're clumsy as hell and your IQ is -150. I can't deal with you any more and my love for Jacob's cock has made you irrelevant. I'm sorry if that hurts but it's the truth. "

He paused waiting for her to respond.

"Oh Edward you are just too funny. I'm so happy that we're getting married."

"Are you on drugs? Did you not hear what he just said? If not I could always pound your head into a tree until you get it." Questioned Rosalie.

Bella took a moment to consider Rosalie's words.

"Um no thanks Rose. I've tried that before and I remember that it would only hurt."

Off her words Charlie walked out of the clearing sporting a beer hat and in his hands he held a bong, a bag of weed and two cases of beer.

"Who's ready to get the party started?" He shouted.

When no one said anything he followed their eyes and groaned when he saw his daughter.

"Ah shit man! Who invited the softener?"

"You call her that too?" Questioned Edward with a smile.

Charlie returned the guesture. He knew he liked that Cullen boy.

"Daddy Edward and Jacob are so funny. They said that they're the ones getting married. How funny is that?"

"Umm honey. It's not a joke. Your boyfriend is a pillow biter who enjoys swallowing Jacob's sword and your best friend likes to play with Edward's tight end so…yeah...it's true. They have been getting it on for a while and I can't believe that you never noticed it but then again you are my…special girl. Anyway how can you blame them? I mean they're both pretty hot. Especially Jacob." He said winking at the boy and blowing him a kiss.

Jacob eyes widened in horror as Edward shot Charlie a look of warning.

Emmett, Paul and Embry were leaning on each other and laughing hysterically. Sam looked as if he were about to throw up, Billy hid his face in his hands, wondering how his friend could be the father of such an idiot and Leah, was dreaming about watching the two guys getting it on, her underwear growing more and more damp by the second.

"No, no, it can't be true! I need you Edward. I can't live without you and I swear to God if you leave me for Jacob, I'll throw myself off of the cliff! And I'll die this time" Screamed Bella.

"Is that a promise?" Asked Rosalie with a smile.

"Yes Rose. It's a promise."

"Yes!" Squealed Alice, giving Esme a high-five.

Jacob threw his hands in the air and rolled his eyes.

"Bella please stop being so fucking dramatic. You will be fine without Edward. You'll trick a stupid boy into marrying you and the two of you will have moronic children and live happily ever after in your trailer park."

Jacob was growing tired of the girl's whining and unhealthy attachment to his fiancé. Now that the truth was out he just wanted to move forward and enjoy his life with Edward.

"No I won't Jake! I want Edward! He's mine, not yours! He loves me not you and to prove this I'm going to go jump off of that cliff and you'll have to watch Edward rescue me!"

"Here we go again." Mumbled Charlie.

God his daughter was so annoying.

"Please don't do this Bella." Pleaded Jacob. Even though he knew that nothing was going to stop the girl and that his life was going to be awesome once she was out of the picture, he still would rather not watch her die.

Why couldn't she just go off somewhere and do it quietly.

"Oh just let the dumb bitch jump. I'm ready to get fucked up and pass out in Leah's boobs. Charlie my man, it's bong time!" Roared Paul as sprang to his feet and grabbed the bong from Charlie's hand.

"It's been so long since I've done this. I'm not sure if I remember how but I'm damn sure going to give it a try." Said Carlisle as he sat down between Paul and Quil with Jasper quickly approaching.

"Ok guys I've got the shot glasses and some vodka! Who's with me?" Questioned Leah as Alice, Emmett, Rose, Esme and Jacob raised their hands.

"This is going to be one hell of a night. And if she jumps I get her iPod, her cell phone and her computer." Laughed Seth as he watched Bella stand at the edge of the cliff.

"HELLO! I'm about to jump people. Doesn't anyone give a shit that I'm about to throw myself into rough waters below?" She questioned holding her hand to her head, giving her best damsel in distress act.

When no one paid her any attention, she screamed louder.

"I'm jumping now! I just know that I'm going to die. Will anyone care enough to save me from certain death?"

Everyone turned to watch Bella take a swan dive when Edward disappeared from sight only to appear once again at Bella's side.

"Edward? What the fuck?" Questioned Jake as he stood and folded his arms across his chest.

This mother fucker could not be serious.

"Really Edward? Really?" Asked Jacob as he grabbed his dick. "You would chose that over all of this? Haven't you seen me naked? Are you blind? I knew I should have fucked with Paul instead."

"There's still time you know. I would do things to you that your little leech would be ashamed to even imagin." Smiled Paul.

"Touch what's mine and die mutt!" Shouted Edward. "I only came up here to give Bella a hand. You know speed up the process."

"Edward what do you…" Bella didn't get the chance to finish her question as Edward tossed her over the side of the cliff.

"Deuces bitch! That was for you Jake baby!" He said waving at Bella as she plunged into the freezing cold waters.

There were cheers being shouted from below as Edward returned to the beach, giving Paul the finger and shoving his tongue down Jacob's throat who in turned gave the vampires ass a squeeze.

"Finally no more Bella! We're free, we're free. Erections for everybody!" Shouted Charlie.

And everyone lived happily ever after. Bella's body would later show up somewhere along the pacific coast where wildlife would chomp away until there was nothing left. Sadly the same wildlife died only two days later. Let this be a lesson to all. Fabric softener is not for human or animal consumption.

The End.