Storytime for the Ickle Firsties

Sirius uprooted a miniscule first year out of the best armchair in the Common Room and plopped into the cozy cushioned seat, a wide yawn breaking over his face. "Storytime, kiddos," he hollered carelessly to the room.

A small hoard of young ones gathered uncertainly by his feet; it was clear that they remembered the outcome of his last tall tale: little Amelia Saunders had gone into shock and an insistent Madam Pomfrey had forced her to recover in the Hospital Wing for a few days, while tiny Billy Andrews, though embarrassed to admit it, had fainted dead away.

When at long last, all the children were sitting in front of him, Sirius smiled. "What would you like to hear today, my ickle firsties?"

A particularly brave boy interjected, "We're not ickle firsties! Some of us are actually quite intelligent!"

"Of course you are," Sirius said absently, looking around the group. "Now who has a story genre?"

"What's a jan-ra?" a confused looking little girl asked, her crooked pigtails giving her a distinctly puzzled expression. "Is that some kind of Dark Magic?"

"No, no," said a hasty Sirius. "A genre is certain category. Like Horror, for example. Or Mystery."

The children visibly relaxed; knowing Sirius' certain fondness for terror, they had been expecting a genre to be an Unforgivable Curse at least.

"Okay, back to what I was saying. Who has a story genr – category?"

"How about romance?" a demure little girl swooned, staring into the distance with a faraway expression in her misty eyes. "A prince rescues a princess from a tower, and they live happily ever after!"

This suggestion was met by skeptic silence from the rest of the children, but Sirius' face broke out into a wide grin. "I think we might be able to work that in. What's your idea, Billy?"

Billy lowered his hand. "Non-scary. I don't want mysel – I mean, anyone else – to faint again."

"Well, non-scary isn't exactly a genre, little guy, so I'm not sure it'll work."

Upon seeing Billy's gloomy expression, Sirius added, "But I'll do my best, how's that?" Billy brightened considerably, and flashed him a winning smile.

"I want adventure," Jane Prescott demanded, her lower lip sticking out at an absurd pout. "I want lots and lots of it. With hippogriffs and heroes and bad guys and tragic deaths."

"Sounds good." Sirius rubbed his hands in anticipation, a wicked gleam in his eye. "I've got the perfect idea. Everyone ready?"

The first years gave him their full and undivided attention, and he launched into the story.

"Once upon a time, not so long ago, there was a beautiful princess named Lily Evans. She had gorgeous red hair that fell to the floor in long, cascading waves of fire; and her eyes were such a piercing green that even highly sensible men fell at her feet, slaves of her unmatched beauty."

The girl who had wanted a romance story was raptly staring at Sirius, drool dripping down her chin. Apparently, she was pleased.

He continued.

"Lily was, in fact, so beautiful, that her parents shut her up in the top spire of the Astronomy Tower, so that no more men would fall senseless to her charm and wit. Lily was very unhappy up in that tower, and she spent the days singing to the birds and brushing her hair, for there was not much else to do. Every night, her dreams were full of a certain prince who would come to the tower and rescue her, then take her away on a white hippogriff and lead her to his bedroom and shag – I mean, kiss her."

The first years seemed not to notice his slip of words, and with a relieved smile, he went on.

"One day, a handsome prince named James Potter was passing underneath the tower on his way to Divination. He heard Lily singing, and was maddened by the sound. 'Who is the girl that belongs to that beautiful voice?' he asked his best friend forever, the duke, Sirius Black.

'I don't know,' Sirius replied, flashing a cocky grin at his friend. 'But if I were you, I'd go and find out.'

'Great idea, my faithful duke!' Prince James shouted, thumping Sirius on the back. 'Only – how shall I get up there?'

This posed quite a situation to the twosome, until finally Sirius exclaimed, 'A Levitation Charm!' which quenched their doubts. Sirius pointed his wand at Prince James, and within moments, he was flying up to the tower. He promptly entered the window, and upon seeing the princess, fell madly in love. After a few hours, it was time for the dinner feast, so the dashing Prince James seized Princess Lily by the waist and Sirius, beaming happily, levitated them to the ground. They made their way to the Great Hall, ate a lot, and lived happily ever after. The End."

"What kind of a story is that?" Jane Prescott roared the second Sirius finished. "Where's my adventure?"

"Oh, right… I suppose the story's not over yet…" Sirius said hastily, then continued with his tale.

"The three made their way to the Great Hall, but no sooner than they had set foot through the doorway, a slimy, bat-like figure blocked their path. Alas, it was the fearsome Knight Snivellus! He had a long, hook-turned nose and stringy black hair that was so greasy, you could drown just by looking at it.

'Princess Lily is mine,' he whispered through clenched teeth as he grabbed hold of her wrist.

Lily shrieked and tried to pull away, but Knight Snivellus' grasp was too tight.

Prince James, drawing himself up to his full height, declared, "Snivellus: Lily Evans hates you! Go buy shampoo, you greasy peasant!"

At this, Snivellus let go of Princess Lily as though he had been burned.

"I'm warning you, James Potter," he spat. "Lily Evans is mine! I'll stop at nothing to get her back – "

"Sure, sure," Sirius said dismally. He raised his wand and flicked a hex at Snivellus, who instantly began to tap dance uncontrollably.

"NOOOO!" he screamed. "Not the tap dance!"

But it was too late.

Within moments, Snivellus lay on the floor, dead from the pain and humiliation of it all.

James, Lily, and Sirius stepped over his limp form and made their way into the Great Hall, then they ate a lot, and lived happily ever after. The End."

The room burst into cheers; even the insistent Jane Prescott looked satisfied.

"Hoorah for Prince James!"

"Oh, I'm so glad Snivellus died..."

"They lived happily ever after, how wonderful!"

Suddenly, a brilliant idea struck Sirius. Chuckling evilly, he leaned in towards the kids.

"Sorry to spoil your fun kiddos, but Snivellus didn't really die."

Silence. Dramatic gasps.

"His ashes reformed, so he's still here, still at Hogwarts," Sirius continued. "He might even be in this very room, invisible, lurking, creeping up on you, ready to eat your brains for breakfast."

The firsties looked utterly terrified. Billy Andrews grew pale as a sheet and collapsed.

"Someone, go take him to the hospital wing, please…" Sirius said in exasperation.

Amelia Saunders stood up as quick as her shaking legs would allow and dragged Billy out of the room; evidentially, she didn't want to hear any more of the horrifying tale.

"As I was saying…" Sirius went on. "Knight Snivellus reformed into a man named Severus Snape. If you ever see him in the hallways, you have to say exactly what James shouted to Snivellus to make him let go of Lily – Snivellus: Lily Evans hates you! Go buy shampoo, you greasy peasant! That, and that alone, will make him go away. If you don't say it… well, let's just say Snivellus will be eating good for the next couple of days, shall we?"

Priscilla Stewart burst into tears.

"There, there now, it's okay…" Sirius said reassuringly, patting her on the shoulder. "You just have to remember to say it, that's all." He turned his eyes to the other children. "Do I have your word that you'll say it if you see Snivellus?"

They all nodded solemly.

"Good," Sirius said, barely able to keep a note of glee from entering his voice. "Now off to sleep, all of you, it's way past bedtime…"

The kids shuffled up the stairs to their dormitories, leaving Sirius to collapse into his armchair with an abundance of mirthful giggles, fantasizing of what would happen the following day…

Severus Snape walked down the corridor gloomily, adjusting the strap of his shoulder bag. Unaware of where he was going, he accidentally bumped into something small and waist-height. "Sorry," he mumbled under his breath and made to continue forward; however, the teeny first year blocked his path. She was staring at him with a mixture of fear and horror.

"What is it?" he snapped irritably. "Just go away, will you?"

"No," she said bravely, her voice shaking. "I have something to say." She drew a deep breath and said, "Snivellus: Lily Evans hates you! Go buy shampoo, you greasy peasant!" Then, with a frightened glance over his shoulder, she ran away.

Severus, looking both confused and hurt, walked on to his next class, wondering what in the world had compelled the tiny girl to say that, and puzzling over the suggestion that maybe, just maybe, taking a shower with the aid of shampoo wouldn't be such a bad idea after all…

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