Hello,

This has been done before, I'm sure, please forgive me and be amused. Rated T for mild language and dumb sex jokes.

~jj

..

Leliana's Diary

Day 1:

Arrived in Lothering today, taken in by local Chantry. Revered Mother here v. nice, says I can be her lay sister. Certainly beats working the streets.

Nothing to do in Ferelden. Food here not very good. Fashion also bad. I miss Orlais. Too bad about torture.

Day 2:

Chantry robes quite frumpy. "Lay sister" not the job I thought it was.

Day 7:

Raining. Ferelden smells v. bad in rain. Can't wait for rain to stop!

Day 27:

Still raining!

Day 56:

Rain has stopped. Still smells.

Day 689:

Sorry haven't written much. Nothing going on, ever. Ferelden sucks!

Had the strangest dream last night. Maker spoke to me, told me to help someone I've never met. Must avoid spicy burrito in future.

Day 690:

Rose has bloomed in garden. Coincidence? I think not!

In other news, Sister Agatha experimenting with something called fertilizer. Wanted to tell me about it. Fereldans v. boring.

Day 701:

Two Grey Wardens and a rather desperate looking woman arrived in Lothering today. Female Warden looks like person from my dream, has taken me in. Hurray!

Also took in ugly murderous giant. Feel suddenly less special.

Missed Warden's name when introduced, something Cousland. Keep hoping someone will say it, but no one ever does! Now is too late to ask without being weird.

Day 732:

Turns out other Warden is bastard son of King. Was thinking female Warden more my type, but may re-evaluate stance on this. Queen Leliana has nice ring to it.

Day 733:

Alistair has crush on something Cousland. Oh well.

Day 741:

Went to Redcliffe today, fought a horde of zombies. Undead very stinky. Fellow Orlesian to blame, no wonder Fereldans hate us.

Bann Teagan very good looking, terrible dancer though.

Going on quest for ashes of Andraste, to wake Arl from coma, stop civil war, end Blight. Very important stuff, must hurry.

Day 814:

Have gotten sidetracked, went on quest in Brecilian Forest to hunt some werewolves.

Aren't we supposed to be looking for some ashes?

Day 821:

Thank the Maker that's over! Back at camp again. Am so happy I burst into song.

"In Uthenera" roughly translates to, "Werewolves Shouldn't Live Indoors, Definitely Not on a Lower Level Because They Never Let Themselves Out, I Mean Seriously There's Urine and Feces Everywhere, and Maker's Balls It Really Smells."

Day 829:

Attacked by very sexy elf today. Attack failed, and now very sexy elf has joined the party. Foolish choice for Wardens.

Am secretly thrilled!

Day 833:

Elf likes shoes as much as I do. And also frilly gloves. Very sexy elf apparently very gay. Pity.

Day 859:

Sidetracked again. Got locked in Circle Tower, which has no windows. Abominations. Smell. Bad. Dying!

Met an old lady in tower. Incredible rack for her age. Seems to fancy Alistair.

When are we going to find these ashes? How long can Arl stay in a coma without permanent damage?

Day 901:

Told Ms. Cousland about Marjolaine yesterday, and this morning was attacked by her people. What are the odds?

Day 917:

Fought Marjolaine today. Well, I fought, and she just kind of... sang. Feel stupid for thinking she was so cool.

Ms. Cousland sympathetic about Marjolaine. Gave me some flowers. Get sense Ms. Cousland wears comfortable Cadash Stompers, if you know what I mean. Which is that I think she's a lesbian. Planning to make my move.

Day 919:

My move involves falling asleep while on watch. Am a bit rusty.

Day 921:

Ms. Cousland and the elf doing the horizontal Remigold right now. Neither of them as gay as I thought!

Am very sad. Alistair sad also.

Hmm. Alistair now unattached. You know what they say…? Wish me luck.

Day 922:

Turns out Alistair's a virgin who collects action figures. Moving on.

Day 946:

Now in Orzammar. Dwarves smell pretty good, actually, like lilacs and fresh baked bread.

Warden gave me an enormous hairless rat. I love her so much, why does she tease me like this?

Day 958:

Acquired a dwarf. Likes: ale. Dislikes: women who are differently oriented sexually than he thought.

Me too, dwarf, me too.

Day 989:

FINALLY going after ashes.

Some hill folk think Andraste came back as a dragon. Feeling less heretical in comparison. Dragon v. tough to kill, but think this was because it was a giant dragon and not because of holiness.

Warden ripped her scales off and said will make into armor. Warden kind of gross! So over her.

Day 1002:

Healed Arl, and he wants to make Alistair king. Duh, right? But Alistair was still like, what, no, I'm completely surprised.

Such a dork. Really dodged an arrow there.

Day 1036:

Went to Landsmeet, learned Alistair is marrying Anora. Arranged marriage best thing for him, I think, due to extreme dweebishness. Was happy for him.

Then he killed her dad, right in front of her! Anora going to withhold for sure. Alistair so clueless.

Day 1054:

Redcliffe Castle overrun, again. They should close that front gate sometimes.

Riordan already here, of course. Could be because he didn't stop off in the Frostback Mountains all of a sudden to deliver a letter. Ms. Cousland not very focused on whole Blight thing.

Day 1055:

You will not believe who got busy last night. Morrigan! With Alistair the super-nerd!

Must gossip about this immediately.

Day 1057:

Warden going after Archdemon today. Left me behind, took elf instead. Told her I needed to be there for epic song deal, but Warden wouldn't listen. Wish I was banging the boss so I could get preferential treatment, too. Stupid apparently-not-that-gay elf.

Now stuck at gate, following ugly murderous giant, who smells.

Day 1065:

Wardens won, although Morrigan not here. Possible she died of embarrassment. Alistair thing can't have made sense in the morning.

Warden's brother Fergus is moderately attractive, also has castle. Was wearing my skimpy Dalish armor and he kept looking at my boobs. Hope to see him after parade. Ferelden maybe not so bad after all.