First Torchwood Fiction. Apologies for any inconsistencies or mess ups. Note: I do not own Torchwood or its characters.

Set during and after Cyberwoman. This is after we see Ianto kneeling down next to the bodies and before he comes back to the hub. The show doesn't indicate a time difference so I'm making one upJ

I wanted to do my own take on how Ianto is affected and how Jack responds to him.

Strong language in this chapter.

Chapter One.

After the events of Lisa Jack had ordered Ianto on suspension. Which Ianto took willingly, he didn't want to believe that Lisa wasn't there anymore. He refused to believe it. Even that night he didn't believe it he knelt on the ground next the bodies sobbing for hours. The rest of the team moved around him removing the bodies and conversion parts. They spoke to each other but not to him, they let him wallow in sorrow and pain on his own.

As soon as he could stand he was walking out of the hub not listening to Jack ordering him to return. He went so far as to shout at him again just to try and get him to understand.

"I don't give a flying fuck Harkness. You want me on suspension I'm fucking going. Retcon me. Shoot me. Throw me off a cliff. I. DON'T. CARE. She was what I lived for and you murdered her. So forgive me I don't want to stand around here and realise just what I have done. So back the fuck off and let me leave. For fucks sakes cant you get off your fucking high horse and remember your fucking human just like us. All mighty Jack fucking Harkness." aware of them following him he moved quickly and nosily to the cog door. Punching in the codes he speed through the door leaving them all near the door watching him make his hasty retreat.

Ianto didn't see Tosh's compassionate and understanding expression. Owens mixture of betrayal but awe. Gwen's stoic gaze and Jack's hurt and pain filled expression. Tears began slipping from his eyelashes down his cheeks. Tosh noticed first stepping forward she raised her hand up to wipe them away.

"Understand, he is in pain Jack, he's had to watch the woman he loves go through something terrible. He held onto hope, faith and love. We are human we make mistakes. Give him time to cool off. I wont lie he meant every word he said but that doesn't mean that he wont regret saying them. Trust me he will be feeling guilty for saying those things to you. Give him time. We all know that in his position we would have probably done anything to save someone we love." she went on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his cheek in a gesture of comfort.

"Am I really bad, have I gotten that bad?" he asked in a whisper.

"Yes and No Jack, your immortal, you spend so much time pushing people away because one day you'll lose them that you forget sometimes we don't have time to think of the consequences, we act on our emotions. Jack you have forever but it means your alone, your so used to being alone you don't know anything else. You saw her as a threat and not as someone's friend, girlfriend and lover. That what she was to Ianto. You care about us we care about you but how much do you really know about him Jack. Like I said give him time, let him be. Give him a week and let him back here. Whether he knows it or not this is where he belongs." she clasped his hand squeezing gently before she let go.

"Thanks Tosh. Why don't you all go home, I'll sort everything out here."

Murmuring their approval the rest of the team gathered their belonging before exiting the hub leaving Jack to ponder what the youngest member of their team had told him.

Ianto made sure he had his keys and wallet before he walked home in the rain; he was still covered in blood and grime. He let the heavy rain wash it away. The pain, guilt, feelings of abandonment however stayed with him. Pain, he had lost her watched her be murdered. He loved her more than he had ever loved anyone and now he was gone. Guilt, he had put his team mates in danger. Do they understand? Would they understand? He couldn't help but wonder whether or not he would see them again. Would Jack be waiting at his house right now with retcon. He couldn't wonder what he would do because he wouldn't know until it happened. He felt alone, Lisa gone, he didn't talk to his sister much never really had the time. Didn't speak to his mother much, his dad died years ago. The only others he relied on were those he just betrayed. Torchwood had taken over his entire life. First in London and now here. University friends old school friends were no longer in his life. He needed someone to see why he did it and not hate him. Mulling over his suddenly screwed up life he wandered the rest of the way to the house that he had picked with Lisa's likes and dislikes in mind. What he didn't expect to see was a certain Captain Harkness on his doorstep. Standing up straighter, his face masked as though made of steel and clenching his hands into fists he made it the last few steps to his front door.

"Can I help you Mr. Harkness." he asked politely while retrieving his key and sliding it in the lock.

"I was just coming to inform you that I don't expect to see you at the hub until next Monday. I don't wish to fire you or retcon you but I believe we may have some issues to work out so I would like to discuss them with you when you return. Thanks for you time. Let me know if you won't be returning and I will sort out a letter of recommendation. If you chose not to return I still wont retcon you. I believe you have endured enough. Goodnight Ianto." with that Jack took off down the path and climbed into the company SUV.

Ianto did not expect that. Opening his down he ventured inside, checking his phone for messages and sorting out the mail he had forgot to do this morning.

If he decided not to return to Torchwood, where would he work? Although he could work in many environments would he want to leave this job? All the wonder he knows he will see for something that will bore him.

Quick to give his answer he picked up his phone and dialled Jacks mobile knowing he wouldn't be back at the hub yet.

'Hello.'

"Its Ianto, I won't leave but I don't want a week off, I need to work to distract me and help me deal. If I stay at home I will just spiral into depression or worse. I know you want me on suspension but I want to be back at work tomorrow. It will be easier for me to be doing something productive than moving around my house doing nothing."

'Are you sure that's what you want Ianto. I think you need time to process what happened.'

"If I work it will help. Whenever something's wrong it's easier if I'm doing something productive. I don't care if I'm the hubs cleaning man for the next month I just need to something."

'Ianto, please at least take two days off. Just to process. Then you can come back.'

"Alright see you Wednesday good bye." without waiting for an answer he hung up.

Sunday night nothing good on television, but what to do? The more he thought about it the more he realised how tired and drained he was. Refusing to get into bed still covered in grime and blood he walked up the stairs and into his en suite bathroom. Stripping out of his clothes he put them all in the bin under sink. Stepping under the hot water, letting it cascade down him. He put his forehead against the cool tile relieving the pain he felt. Flashes crossed before his eyes. His Lisa and then her as a cyber woman. He had held onto his love for her. It may have clouded his judgement but he would have done anything if it meant seeing her alive again. The way she way before. He knew it wasn't possible but it didn't mean he couldn't wonder.

Unaware of how long he was in shower Ianto stepped out red raw from the constant stream of hot water. His mind was somewhere else as he pulled on some shorts and climbed into bed. He needed to move. This house would be a constant reminder of the woman he loved and lost. Everything in here was for her. The furniture, the linens, the wallpaper carpet and curtains. Everything was for her.

Slowly he allowed his eyelids to close and drifted off into an uneasy and nightmare filled sleep.

Jack drove back to the hub, his mind reeling over what happened. How could he not notice what was happening. Was he really that blind? Or was Ianto just that good at deception. He drove on auto pilot his mind filled with thoughts of what could have happened. Was Tosh right has he seen so much that he doesn't see what was before it became a threat. He knew he was right, he had no other choice. But the look of heartbreak and betrayal that crossed Ianto's features would be etched on his memory until he was forgiven which would not be very soon and he knew that.

The whirring and squawking greeted him when he entered the hub. Everyone was at home and he had clean up to do. The last thing he wanted was for someone else to think they had to do it. He didn't want to expose anyone to that feeling. Although he Owen Tosh and Gwen had shot her he didn't want them seeing this place again. Knowing what they did to a fellow co worker and friend. They had eliminated a threat but broke someone's heart in the process.

Clean up took him most of the night. He removed the life support machine and conversion unit, disabling it. He'd get it destroyed at some point. He cleared all the blood that was left by the bodies he moved to the morgue.

By the time the rest of the team entered the hub Jack had gotten around 2 hours sleep cleared the basement and gotten most of the paperwork regarding the incident out of the way.

Tosh was the first one to arrive. Looking up to see Jack working this early meant he didn't sleep or barely slept that night. She tentatively made her way up to hid office pausing in the doorway knocking gently on the doorframe. He looked up frowned then looked at the time.

"Oh sorry Tosh, lost track of time." signing his name on the last form. He turned his full attention to her.

"Don't worry Jack, did you speak to Ianto?" she asked moving to the chair opposite him.

"Yeah, I told him I didn't want to fire or retcon him, that we had issues to work out, if he didn't want to return I'd give him a letter of recommendation and not retcon him. I also told him not to come back to work until next Monday. He agreed then around 15 minutes later he rang saying he wanted to be back in today. He said working would help him deal so he didn't get depressed. I offered him two days then he could come back, he said alright and hung up. I know he hates me and I don't disagree if I was in his shoes I would have most likely done the same thing."

"I know that Jack. You have to tell him that. I could still be prison after what I did to save my mother. Owen understands because he knows what it's like to lose someone that close. Although she wouldn't admit it I know Gwen would do anything to keep Rhys from harm." she paused, it was unlike her to give Jack advice but she knew Ianto better than he did. "Go round his tomorrow evening clear the air so when it comes to Wednesday you don't start on bad footing. I'm going round later to see how he is." she stood up ready to leave.

"You're a wise woman Toshiko Sato. Thanks for being honest and helping me."

"What are friends for Jack." she went to walk out but turned on her heel remembering what else she was going to say. "Oh Jack" he looked up at her again. "Why don't you get some more sleep, Owen and Gwen most likely wont be here for another two hours I'll call them if I need to. Grab a few hours while its quiet." he nodded in acceptance and moved towards his bunker. She left his office leaving him to get settled in his bed. Minutes after his head hit the pillow he fell asleep mind reeling.

Gwen and Owen entered the hub two hours later. Settling in to their workstations they looked around for Jack only to find he wasn't around. Knowing already it was unlike Jack not to be around Gwen decided to find out from Tosh.

"Tosh where's Jack." she asked knowing that Tosh would know since she was already here. Gwen was already moving up to Jack's office.

"I wouldn't go up there. Jack was up all night sorting everything out after what happened he barely slept and is catching a few hours. We have to deal ourselves for a while. I'm sure we're all smart enough to do that." Tosh gained a little satisfaction watching Gwen deflate and move back to her station.

"Right then ladies I'm going to grab breakfast, would either of you like something?" Owen asked as he moved towards the cog door although he had only just came in.

"Bacon and egg buttie, Thanks Owen." Gwen called already immersed in reports.

"Thanks for the consideration but I'm okay. Thank you Owen." Tosh said to him as he passed her.

"Alright then back in a bit." he exited quickly, knowing he could only get away with this while Jack was asleep. Although Tosh didn't ask for anything he was till going to get her one of her favourite muffins. He would be nice to her because she was nice to him.

Back at the hub Gwen was wondering how Tosh knew that Jack was sleeping and how they would be on their own.

"Tosh, how did you know Jack was sleeping? And that we would have to handle everything on our own today."

Tosh smiled inwardly, secretly loving the fact that she more than Gwen about Jack and it seemed Gwen didn't like it. "Well, I usually come in after Ianto around 7 so it was just me and him this morning. I went up to see how he was and suggested he should get some sleep after our chat. I said I would handle the rift and call you if needed be. He'll probably be up in a few hours. He never sleeps for more than 7 hours." she rambled enjoying how Gwen clearly didn't like that Tosh and Jack were close. Well it seemed fitting considering Tosh was here first.

"Oh right, I'll leave him then." they both turned back to their work immersing themselves in the projects and reports they had let go a little on.

When Owen came in an half an hour later both women were so involved in their work they didn't notice the alarms go off signalling someone entering. They only noticed when he put their food on the desks next to them.

"Oooh breakfast thanks Owen." Gwen dug into hers as though she hadn't eaten for days. Tosh looked at hers and smiled.

"Thanks Owen, but I thought I said I was okay." she picking it up at taking a bite.

"I know, I would have felt bad not bring you something back when I bought Gwen something. But I bet since you got here you have been so distracted by work you haven't eaten so now I know you have." he smiled at her before starting on his own breakfast. Smiling she ate it making sure she kept an eye on the program she was working on.

Jack woke just after lunch, or so the clock on the wall in his bunker said. Showering and dressing quickly exiting his bunker into his office. He could hear the banter between Gwen and Owen, the usual sound of Tosh's fingers hitting the keyboard keys. He stood at the window of his office silently observing the team he had made. Seeing how effortlessly they got along but how they were missing one. Tosh was right Ianto belonged here, no matter what he did. Tosh turned around at that point noticing he was up, she sent a small smile his way before turning back to her computer. He saw Gwen turn around and get up ready to come up to him. Not wanting to talk, he exited his office and headed to Tosh completely bypassing an irritated Gwen.

"Tosh, thanks for the advice it worked wonders." he pressed a kiss to her cheek before asking her how the program was going. She started to explain it when a call came in about a weevil sighting.

"I'll take it, you lot stay here and catch up on those reports. Ianto's not coming back to do your work for you. And don't think for a second that I didn't know. I compared the handwriting. So get your work done. Before you say anything Tosh I know you haven't left work for Ianto to do. Be good." he didn't wait for protests before he made his way to the garage.

"Ianto's coming back?" was the first thing Owen said when Jack had left. "I thought Jack would have retconned him or fired him for what he did. Even if I understand it, he put us and many others at risk."

"That he did, but like you said you understand it. Would want to lose all your memories or lose your job for doing something out of love?" Tosh said. Thinking back to how she joined Torchwood. "When Jack hired me I was in prison, for life, for stealing something from the government to save my mothers life. If Jack hadn't have found me I would still be in that little cell staring at the wall."

"But still how can we know he wouldn't do something like this again." Gwen said. Owen nodding his head in agreement.

"What you think he's got another half converted fiancée hidden somewhere. Face it you would do the same for Rhys so stop judging and get over it. Think about Ianto he had to watch us kill her. How do you think he's holding up right now. Back the hell away form him." they both had never seen this side of Tosh, they both saw someone who would fight for someone she loved.

Ianto woke to here knocking at his bedroom door. Curious to who could be knocking he got out of bed to open his door. Tosh stood their with a cup of tea in one hand and a sandwich in the other. How she knocked on the door he didn't know, but she could have used the back of her shoe.

"Tosh, how did you get in my house?" he asked taking the tea from and the sandwich and moving to settle on his bed. She moved to sit next to him while he tucked in to his snack.

"You gave me a spare set just in case a few weeks ago. You didn't answer I got worried so I used the keys. I don't want you to think that I thought you did something regrettable but after what happened yesterday I didn't want to take any chances. I checked up here and you were still asleep so I made you a snack and a drink. I also ordered take out. I'm here if you need me Ianto."

"I know, thank you. Erm let me get sorted and I'll meet you downstairs. I need your help anyway."

She nodded and took the now empty plate and mug. He had inhaled rather tasted the tea and sandwich. He moved towards the bathroom.

Ten minutes later Ianto and Tosh were sitting on his sofa chatting about mindless subjects.

"So what do you need my help with?"

"I want to move, this place was all about Lisa and what she would have wanted but not me. Would you help find a place and move. I need someone to help me sort through everything and be ruthless and not let me keep anything I don't need."

"I can do that. We can start tomorrow if you. I can come by for lunch and we can start in the spare room."

"That would be great thank you Tosh." he relaxed a little knowing someone didn't hate him.

"Ianto, just to let you know Jack's coming round tomorrow evening to clear the air. I suggested it because I didn't want you to come back to work on bad footing. But to be honest I don't see how you can stand me right now. I helped kill her."

"I knew what I did was wrong, but I would do it again for her. I know how you came to Torchwood Tosh and Owen and Gwen. I hated that I put you in danger. But I really couldn't live without her. It hurts so much my only consolation is now she isn't in pain or isn't something she didn't want to be." tears started falling down his face and Tosh's heart broke for him. Pulling him into her arms she let him cry out his frustration and pain. She only moved to pay the delivery man for the take out. Ianto managed to eat before saying he was tired again and wanted more sleep. She left him cleaning up the boxes form their meal.

Getting back into bed he realised just how much he had been running on coffee and not actual sleep. Recalling his conversation with Tosh tears began to fall again. Slowly he cried himself to sleep.

Jack waited until Tosh had settled in the next morning before asking her how Ianto was.

"In pain, heart broken. He cried on my shoulder for just over an hour then said he wanted sleep. I bet a pound to a penny he cried himself to sleep. And I warned him you were heading round tonight, I also told him it was my idea. All he could think about was how I didn't hate him which is pretty much what I was wondering about the fact that I helped kill her. I think he understands but just couldn't let her die."

"I know and I will tell him that later. Better go an finish all those reports or he'll have my head. I don't get how he can manage all the things he does sometimes."

"Its Ianto, he's perfect." Tosh said as she moved back to analysing something on her computer. 'You don't have to tell me that' Jack thought as he moved back up to his office. Hopefully it would be a quiet day of paperwork he needed to catch up because he really didn't need something disrupting his day and postponing his talk with Ianto. Locking the door he settled in for a good few hours of signing his name and filling out reports.

Ianto dodged through boxes to open the door that revealed Jack. "Hi, Tosh said you would be coming over. Come in." Ianto moved to the side to let Jack pass. There were boxes dotted around the living floor filled with something or other.

"Are you leaving Ianto?"

"No just sorting through some things. Tosh helped me earlier with the spare room and I finished it about two hours ago. Now I'm starting in this room. I'm looking at moving. Just got to figure out where I want to move to first."

"Well I wont keep you, just checking with you really. Seeing if you were coming back to work, how you were even though it only happened the other night. I just wanted to make sure you were dealing I guess."

"Yeah I cried my self to sleep and been crying on and off all day while sorting through her things. It'll take a while but I'll get there. I wouldn't change a thing I did. But I do understand the risk I posed and take full responsibility for it."

"I know I think losing someone you loved is punishment enough. I understand why you did what you did."

"Thanks. I was wondering when I come back tomorrow if I could be in control of the archives."

"I thought you already were?"

"Well not really everything is from when I started to know is sorted but everything before that isn't. it would keep me occupied for a while I deal."

"That sounds reasonable. So I guess it could happen." he watched Ianto sort through more items in his living noting the amount of things he was getting rid was significantly higher than the things he was keeping. Remembering he had a house he didn't use anymore he decided to offer it to Ianto, it would be better being put to use than left unattended.

"Erm Ianto, I'm not saying you have to but I have a house I haven't used in years. Its fully furnished and has recently gone through an upgrade. You could have it if you liked. Or just use it until you find a place. Its paid for the only thing that needs to be paid for the utilities. I would rather it be put to use."

"If I said yes, would you want rent as well because to be honest I don't see the point of buying another place if I'm at the hub 75% of the time."

"No, if you wanted it I would sign over the deeds to you. Like I said I don't use it. If you live in it, it might as well be yours. I know I'm your boss but I would like to be your friend too. That means helping you when you need it so if you want it let me know."

"Let me think about it yeah?"

"Of course. I'll leave you to it then. See you tomorrow bright and early."

"Yes see you tomorrow sir." Jack left him then contemplating the offer he was given. It was hard to believe this was the same man who not 48 hours ago held him at gunpoint and ordered him to kill his fiancée.

Ianto walked into the hub as though he was walking on eggshells. Which he was. He knew he had betrayed them but receiving the nod from Jack he knew it was okay. He began to clean the mess that had accumulated in his two days away. It looked as though disaster had struck in here instead of in the basement.

For three days straight he scrubbed the hub clean and began work on the archives. In the morning he would be found between files and boxes sorting them out. And in the afternoons he lost his jacket rolled up his sleeves and scrubbed every surface he could reach. He still took on duty delivering coffee to the other team member who began to smile at him in thanks again.

It was the fourth day where it all went upside down. Ianto was just making his way up to Jacks office coffee in hand when another dizzy spell hit him. It was the third one that he had experienced today but a cup of coffee and he was okay again. He knew it wasn't good for him but he had to get through today without anyone noticing how he was. He would go home and sleep when the day was over but his body had other ideas. The mug slipped from his grasp smashing on the hub floor. All eyes were on him because it was so out of character. The last thing he registered were surprised eyes as his body hit the floor eyes sliding shut.

AN: This continues in the next chapter. Thanks for readingJ x reviews would be appreciated. I would like to learn from any criticisms you may have.J