Title: A Battle Lost
Rating: M
Warning: Sex, infidelity, and game spoilers.
Prompt: Final Fantasy XIII, Lightning/Snow, Addiction, "You're like a drug."
Summary: She hated Snow for doing this, but more than that, she hated herself for doing this to Serah.
A/N: This story was my first SnowLight fic ever written and it was for Spring Kink on livejournal. I don't usually like going into the subject of infidelity, but that's what came out with this story. So, please, if you're disturbed by the themes, don't read it. That being said, I hope everyone enjoys!

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy XIII or any of the characters used in this piece of fiction. I am making no money off of them.

Revised: 12/29/2013

…

She wanted to hurt him.

She wanted to kick him in the head… Maybe even stomp on his abnormally large feet if she had been childish enough. She wanted to tear him apart and make him pay for making her want him so badly. For making her feel like she was breaking Serah's trust, even when she was gone.

Her skin was burning and only his rough hands could soothe the feeling with his touch. Hot lips dragged over her bare shoulder, across her collarbone and over the l'Cie brand that weighed heavily over her heart. Her own fingers were digging into his shoulders with the tension that was coiling inside her and she would either scream or cry if he continued, but if he stopped, she would hurt him.

She hated Snow for doing this, but more than that, she hated herself for doing this to Serah. Lightning wanted to believe that her sister would come back, she had even begun to share just a smidge of Snow's optimism, but as their journey progressed, and they came across more and more obstacles, she was beginning to wonder if Serah would ever be returned to them.

It didn't make what they were doing okay, but she couldn't stop it. After days and days of stolen kisses and trying to avoid him as best she could, things had crossed an entirely different line. She had never considered herself weak willed, but this, this was something so out of her hands, it made her panic. She wasn't supposed to touch another woman's man, or let him kiss her the way he was doing, or even allow her body to react to him with heat and passion…

Her weapon and accessories had been discarded a few feet away and his coat, gloves, and shirts were near their feet. Everything was out of the way and Lightning knew that she'd had plenty of time to stop what was happening, but she hadn't even tried to.

She'd gone out gather the parts for Vanille's pet robot, and even though she'd wanted solitude, Snow had stubbornly followed her. She had been trying to put distance between them since she had become aware that there was more than animosity between them. She had honestly wanted to keep hating him for essentially stealing Serah away from her, but in the end it had been her own damned fault. She had been gone too long and it had only been a matter of time before Serah left her the way Lightning had left her sister. And Serah had gone with him.

There were times when she wondered who it was that he saw, if he was doing this because of her resemblance to Serah, but when he looked at her, breathed her name, he was never far away. Snow was an honest—albeit dramatic—man, and his eyes spoke volumes. If he were to see Serah in her, Lightning would've noticed it had she allowed herself to stare into his eyes long enough. But… that fact was somehow worse because she felt as if she were stealing something from her own sister.

Snow's groan was rough against her ear, a large hand running up the inside of her thigh, closer and closer to a place that had begun to ache just for him.

Lightning forced herself to remain silent, but her breathing was loud against her own ears as he pushed aside her sensible—fighting out in the wilderness called for it—black panties and his fingers found wet heat.

Pressed against a shadowed wall, desecrating what had once been someone's home in Oerba, Lightning closed her eyes and let go of her tight control as well as her body. She shuddered through a prelude of what was to come and tried to ignore the way her hands trembled as they undid Snow's belt, button and zipper.

One hand slipped past the elastic of his boxer shorts and grasped the base of his throbbing erection, feeling Snow shudder through his upper body that was pressed against hers. Her grip was firm and gentle as it began to glide, the leather of her glove adding to the sensation. Once she grew tired of the barrier, she pulled off the glove quickly and then returned to set up a good rhythm for him, judging by Snow's groans against her ear.

"Light," he moaned, lips pressed against the side of her neck, his face hidden by her soft, rosy hair. One hand pressed against the wall for balance, while the other traveled her curves, as if memorizing each one.

When his breathing began to quicken against her moist skin, Lightning withdrew her hand slowly and pulled it out of his pants completely, slowly trailing her fingers up his chest, making his stomach muscles twitch in response. Instead of reaching for him to pull him down for a kiss, her fingers ghosted over his face and up to push off the black bandana he always wore around his head.

Snow felt his heart skip a beat when those warrior hands slid slowly through his pale, blond hair, caressing the silky strands in a way that he wouldn't have believed her capable of. But he had been so wrong about Lightning from the very start. He understood now that all she had wanted had been to protect Serah, to provide all that she had needed and, though she had gone about it the wrong way, she had done as best as she could. She had been a child raising a child.

Here was a woman who was willing to give up herself for her sister, and… Snow couldn't deny that this new side of Lightning was stirring something inside of him. The guilt was there, and would always be there, but he needed Lightning to keep him strong. Serah wouldn't forgive this, but in the end, when they got her back safe and sound, Snow was willing to face the consequences. All he needed now was someone to lean on.

Grabbing the fingers still in his hair, he tightened his own around them, bringing her hand down. In the slowly darkening light streaming through the windows, her eyes were a powder blue, glittering in her pale, smooth face. His fingers brushed over her cheekbone once before moving to settle on her shoulders to push off her shirts.

Lightning's breath shook as his hands cupped her breasts, kneading, his thumbs rubbing the peaks. A flush was spreading up across her upper body and Snow circled a hand around her waist, guiding her back to a table that appeared to be sturdy enough to hold her weight.

Pushing her back so that her bottom settled on the edge of the table, Snow leaned over and continued his ministrations with his mouth, hot lips pulling on a nipple while he rubbed the other between his fingers. Lightning's head fell back and her eyes slid closed on a gasp. Her moan was drowned out by a crack of thunder that followed a flash of lightning.

Planting one hand on the table, she used the other to push at Snow's shoulder, attempting to stop his pleasurable ministrations. "We should go back," she muttered, voice breathless.

Snow's lips sucked harder on her neglected breast before he raised up to kiss her, devouring her lips and sucking on the tip of her tongue as Lightning trembled. "Vanille said that storms in Oerba are bad. If it starts to rain, no one will come and they'll trust that we found shelter," he muttered, one hand returning to rub against her center.

She couldn't think, let alone summon the strength to shove him off and punch him in the face for being able to control her so well. It scared her that there was no going back after this. She hadn't yet completely taken what wasn't hers, but she was close. "We can still stop," she growled, finally snagging onto the edge of authority she'd been missing from the moment he had touched her.

Snow's hands withdrew and Lightning bit back a groan of protest at the loss. "Do you really want to?" he muttered.

The question hung between them and Lightning couldn't ignore the fact that he was still standing quite close, his hips cradled between her legs, pressed to her aching middle. As if to persuade her, he shifted and rubbed against her, burning hot and yearning for her.

Lightning shifted enough to shove her panties down her thighs and watched Snow as he drew the material past her boots and helped remove them completely. She didn't know where they went after that because Snow's hands were quickly on her thighs, pushing them open and all she could feel was skin against skin.

Fingers began to work her open, seeking… seeking until they came across that spot that made her hips lift and a groan to escape her lips. Giving it three hard strokes, he withdrew his hand and replaced it with his hardness, slowly beginning to sink into her welcoming heat.

He was big, Lightning realized. She'd felt it when they had been pressed up against the wall, but feeling him working his way inside of her was different. He was stretching her to her limit, slowly, his thickness making her walls twitch and throb with every inch. Finally settled inside of her, Snow leaned forward, teeth grazing her shoulder, his stubble tickling her skin.

"You have no idea how much I need this," he rasped, giving a few, experimental thrusts.

"Move," Lightning hissed, one arm circling his neck, the other bracing on the table.

He was quick to oblige and before she had time to drag in a breath, his hips drew back and snapped forward, making the table creak with the force. Her other arm wrapped around him for dear life as he used every inch of that large, muscled body to make her body scream in pleasure. Her lips were sealed in a tight line and even when her cheeks colored and her breathing came out fast, she swallowed back any noise.

The sounds outside of the building sounded dangerous, and if she hadn't known from Vanille how sturdy the homes were in her village, Lightning would've wondered if the winds and rain would've been enough to remove the roof, windows, and doors from the buildings. It was almost completely dark except for the flashes of her namesake and all she could see in the dark was Snow's pale hair and the outline of his body.

He was amazing in that moment, all rippling muscle and strength, and even when it was difficult to see, Lightning's eyes were riveted to the spot where his stiff length was still moving in and out of her, slick with her pleasure.

"You're like a drug," he rasped, thrusting in earnest against her, inside her. She felt heavenly, so damn good, but like a drug taken in excess she could be dangerous and deadly. How was he supposed to give it up? Was she going to allow this to continue? He didn't think he would ever get enough of this. For a few long moments, all Snow could think about was her warm, moist grip around his body and how she was beginning to tighten so torturously around him.

Her eyes clenched shut as her body finally lost any semblance of control and her nails dragged over his shoulders as a load moan escaped from her lips. Snow kept his steady thrusts, drawing out her orgasm and his fingers slipped between them to rub intently at her bundle of nerves. A second orgasm tore through her when he arched her back and his hips slammed against hers, making her nearly yell out in surprise and pleasure.

Falling back against the rickety table, she tightened her thighs around Snow's hips as he kept up his pounding rhythm, watching him quickly lose control. His eyes had gone from the warm ocean blue, to a dark, hot sapphire; his chest was glistening with sweat, and his abdominal muscles and his biceps were flexing with his every move. Aware of his eyes on her breasts as they heaved with her breathing and his movements, Lightning used the back of her feet to pull him forward and wrap her legs tightly around his hips.

Snow let out a long groan and his thrusts lost their quick rhythm. "Come," her smoky voice ordered. "Come, Snow."

His mouth opened in a silent cry and his eyes slid closed as he jerked against her, throbbing hotly as his release took over. Her eyes watched him curiously, the way his chest heaved with every breath he took, the flush on his cheeks, the way his hands were still settled tightly around her hips…

When Snow was finally able to form a coherent thought again, he drew out of her and he leaned forward to press a gentle kiss against her lips, even as her hands shoved against his chest quickly. He was about to take it as a rejection when he heard a loud creak and suddenly they were slammed painfully down onto the floor when the legs of the table gave out. He landed heavily on top of Lightning and she let out a gasp as her breath was knocked out of her by his weight.

Snow slid to her side and massaged his bruised wrists, grimacing in pain. "Sorry," he muttered, rubbing a hand over her bare stomach. When she didn't shove off his touch, his hand moved up to her face and he grasped her chin, turning her face to look at him.

Her eyes remained open as his closed and he leaned forward to give her the kiss he had been trying to before. Her lips parted under his, but before he could deepen it, she set a hand on his cheek and pushed him back. Not away, but enough to be able to look at him properly. "We crossed a line today," she muttered.

"We crossed that line a long time ago," Snow replied, guilt gnawing at his heart. "It's something we can't undo."

"You promised to make her happy. That she'd never again shed a tear," Lightning reminded, looking away from him.

"I know," he groaned, his forehead hitting her shoulder lightly. "I didn't consciously want to hurt her."

"It's not just you. I'm the one who swore to protect her, take care of her. I wasn't supposed to break her heart and sleep with her fiancé. If anything, this is all my fault," she said, sitting up and moving to her fallen clothing.

Snow followed with a heavy sigh and pulled his pants back up, zipping and then buckling his belt. He gave Lightning the opportunity to get her shirts on and her skirt back in place before he grabbed her hand and made her look at him again.

"We both needed this," he whispered leaning toward her for his lips to brush over her hair; his voice was nearly carried away by the patter of rain against the windows. "I needed you."

Lightning shook her head and sighed in irritation. "Needing me just for sex does not make our betrayal any better!" she snapped, catching sight of her underwear in his pocket. She snatched it away quickly and pulled it on, knowing she'd need a shower very soon.

"It's not just sex," Snow said, annoyed. "It's comfort. It's helping each other stay sane. It's trying to forget that time is running out for all of us!"

Lightning let out a small sigh and crossed her arms over her chest the way she normally did when she needed to put space between herself and anyone else. "I—I love Serah."

"So do I," Snow said immediately. "I just… I need someone to be there to keep me grounded when it all becomes too much."

"I thought you were the man with an endless supply of optimism," Lightning said, moving to stand by a window, her eyes taking in the storm still raging outside. There was no view and she realized that the reason why was because the storm had kicked up all the crystal residue into the air. It was a good thing that they had been indoors when the storm had begun. That thought brought her back to her current situation with a man who was not hers and never would be.

"I can act that way in front of everyone except you," he admitted, pulling on his own shirts as the temperature dropped.

She turned to look at him out of the corner of her eye. "I'm not the best person to lean on," she said, voice quiet. "I know how to kill and break things. I have spent years in the military and my nurturing side was pretty much obliterated."

"You're not that way with Hope," Snow commented, noticing the peeved expression on her face. "He brings out a side of you that you think is dead. You want to protect him, and I've seen you do it. I guess it's just going to take a little more for you to see it, too."

Her eyes were narrowed and glaring in the darkness. "What's your point?"

"I don't even know what it is that I want," he finally admitted, sitting down heavily on an old, worn sofa. "All I know is that I don't want to be alone."

Lightning approached him slowly, but stayed a safe distance away. "You're not alone. You have the group there." She waved a hand in the general direction of where their companions would be.

"And you?" he asked, blue eyes raising to look at her.

"You're not supposed to want me," she replied, voice soft.

Snow stared down at his hands. "And if I do?"

She couldn't deny the twitch in her heart at his words, but she knew that in the long run he wouldn't mean it. Once he had Serah back he would regret what they'd done and live in guilt. And if he decided to come clean, it would cause Serah grief, and that was the last thing Lightning wanted for her sister. "You don't mean that," she muttered, taking a seat on the same sofa, leaving a large gap between them. "Just… get some sleep. Your head will hopefully be clearer tomorrow morning."

"Fine," he muttered, aggravation entering his tone.

Lightning ignored him and hoped that everything went back to the way it was even though she knew in her heart that it wasn't so easy. Closing her eyes and crossing her legs and arms, she listened to the storm rage outside and to the sound of Snow's rustling clothes. Her body was completely relaxed and felt pleasantly sore, but she decided it was best not to think about that now. She nearly jumped when Snow's heavy weight fell right next to her, as did his coat.

"We need to keep warm," Snow muttered at her look. When she made no move for the coat or get up and walk away, he gave a long sigh and grabbed his coat, throwing it over the both of them. "I'll stay awake so that you can get some sleep."

Lightning didn't bother to reply. She was surrounded by his scent of earth and spice, and it was doing funny things to her insides. Things she was still trying to avoid, but despite that, she stayed and let his warmth transfer to her own body. Soon enough, she found that her eyes felt heavy and before she knew it, she was asleep, lulled by the sound of Snow's breathing, and the storm raging outside and in her heart.

…

She couldn't remember the last time she had slept so well, if only for a few hours, and when she opened her eyes, she discovered why. Somehow, during the night and without her even feeling it, she and Snow had ended up lying together on the couch horizontally. They were still under his coat, but her legs were tangled with his and one long arm was curled around her. Lightning scowled into Snow's chest and was about to move and get up, but his arm tightened around her.

"Don't move," he said, voice thick with sleep.

"Get your hands off me, Snow," she warned.

He hummed in thought and his chest reverberated with the sound, but he released her. Lightning pushed the coat off of her and got up to gather her weapon and the rest of her things.

Snow was slower to move, but as soon as he did so he stretched his tall frame until his joints cracked. Rubbing a hand through his messy hair, he watched Lightning as she hooked her red pouch around her thigh once more and then slipped her gunblade and its holster on. Feeling his eyes on her, she turned her gaze to his and gave him an annoyed, questioning look.

Snow looked away, hating the fact that they had gone right back to normal. With him always on the receiving end of her angry looks and physical attacks. Being able to receive a kiss from those lips and live to see another day had been a great accomplishment, he mused.

With a silent nod, she turned and made for the door. She was halted once more by his voice.

"Thank you."

"For what?" she asked, curious.

"For giving me the peace I needed. Even if I never get to feel it again, I'm glad it was with you," Snow said.

She nodded once and decided to voice a question that had been niggling in the back of her mind for a while. "Did you and Serah ever… you know…?" she motioned between them and then to the broken table. When he opened his mouth to reply, she shook her head. "No, never mind. I really don't want to know," Lightning said as she turned to go.

His footsteps were quick as he closed the distance and grabbed her elbow. "The answer is 'no.' I've never touched Serah that way before."

"Good," Lightning replied, slipping out of his grasp. "We should get back."

"Wait." He stopped her again, but when she turned, he reached out to grasp her face with one hand, bringing his lips to her before she could protest or hit him.

The fight left her body as soon as he touched her and Lightning wondered if things would always be like this. She had more resilience than this… What was wrong with her?

Resting a hand to his chest, she allowed him to kiss her and to run his hands through her hair lightly. When she drew back and walked away, he made no move to stop her and Lightning was grateful for that. She didn't think she'd have the strength to push him away again.

But it was more than clear that she had to, because somehow she felt that there were many dangerous battles ahead of them and the last one she wanted to fight was the one in her heart.