For my dear sweet Kurtsie wife, Carrie. :)

Many have asked me for tips to get the ladies, which I find ironic, since I'm twirlier than a cocktail dress. I suppose that guys think I'm kind of the bridge between male and female—I know how guys think and I know what girls want. I could probably charge for my services, but I don't. It's kind of enjoyable to see a cute guy get all hot and bothered over a girl and then have that internal struggle: Should I ask Kurt? He could help me get laid…but I would have to be alone with him…but I wanna get laid…but I don't wanna be alone with him…it's part of the reason I'm so popular. Girls know their men would be complete Neanderthals without my expertise, and guys really appreciate my help.

So, naturally, when Finn came into our room like he did every day after school and started staring at me, I already knew what he wanted.

"Kurt. Could you…um…do me a huge favor?"

"Yes?"

"I wanna ask someone to the prom…but we kinda got into a fight and I don't think this person is interested anymore…"

"You realize that the prom is only two weeks away?"

"Yeah…I'm just not ready to ask yet."

"And you want me to give you a fabulous makeover and dance lessons and everything in my full bag of tricks to make this girl fall in love with you?"

Finn looked confused, as though he was wondering how I read his mind. "Well…yeah."

"No problem, bro." His brow furrowed at my affectionate nickname for him, as it often did. I'd taken to calling him "bro" ever since our parents got married. He seemed oddly touched by it at the very beginning, but the longer we lived in the same room, the more it seemed to bother him. I wasn't going to stop unless he flat-out asked me to, though. I wanted to stomp out any lingering ideas he might have about my crush on him. "So, who's the girl?"

Finn looked uncomfortable. "I don't wanna jinx it."

"Fine, make my job harder. Stand up. I have to get a good look at you."

He stood and he twirled. He was wearing his raggedy old jeans that were almost too tight—Carole had attempted to throw them out several times, but I would always intercept them. Finn was thankful because they were his favorites. I was thankful because his toned ass looked incredible in them…as I was reminded as his back was to me. I let my eyes linger a little longer than I should have, and cleared my throat.

"Ahem, okay. What color is she wearing to prom?"

"Um…" Finn thought for a minute. "I don't know. What color do you think looks best on me?"

His complete trust in my opinions when it came to fashion was both cute and intelligent on his part. "I've always liked the color blue on you. It really makes your eyes pop." He grinned and blushed at this statement.

"Thanks, I guess I'll wear blue, then."

"Nice choice." I quickly run circles around him, getting his measurements and trying to not get erect when I measured his inseam.

After writing down his measurements, something occurred to me. "Are you sure she isn't going with anyone else?"

"I'm pretty sure…" Finn shrugged, then, "Who are you going with?"

I sighed. "Well, I asked Mercedes first and she said yes, but then Matt Rutherford asked her, and I graciously allowed her to go with him. So I'm flying solo and secretly hoping that Matt is a flake that won't dance so that I can dance with Mercedes."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Finn said, absentmindedly. "Maybe you'll find someone last minute like I am."

"Doubtful. See a group of teen gays around anywhere? I don't."

"I see one…"

"Yes, Finn. I am gay. Good catch." I rolled my eyes. "I can't very well take myself to prom. Walking out on the floor with my cock in my hand is bound to turn heads, but not really in the way I want."

Finn's eyes widened, and then he laughed hysterically. "You should do that!"

The next day was dancing lessons.

"Okay, Finn, there are three main 'prom dances': the slow dance, the fast dance, and the grind. I will teach you to do two of the three effectively."

"Why not all three?" I laughed, as I was sure this was a joke, but he seemed increasingly confused.

"You don't want me to teach you how to grind."

"Yes I do!" he exclaimed in a kind-of angry tone. "You said you would help me to be perfect! How am I going to get a date to prom this late in the game if I don't know everything there is to know?"

"Do you know what grinding is?"

"Not really, and I don't care. You're gonna teach me how so that I can do it at prom."

"Oh…kay…" This was going to be awkward as shit. I started with the slow dance. I put on a Boyz II Men song (I don't know which one…since they're pretty much all the same…) and gestured for Finn to stand in front of me. "Alright, I'm going to touch you just as a girl would in this dance, so don't freak out, okay?"

"I won't."

"Alright." I gingerly reached my arms up around his neck and laced my fingers. "Now, put your arms around my waist…FINN. I SAID WAIST."

"It IS your waist!"

"That's my ass!"

"Oh…sorry…" he settled his hands on my lower back. I tried not to focus on the fact that Finn Hudson had just grasped my ass firmly with both hands. Not thinking about it…not thinking about it…yeah, lost cause.

We got into a good rhythm, doing the little box-step, and then I taught him how to turn and twirl (which was just comical, to say the least), but then he had an objection.

"You told me you were gonna be the girl!"

I was baffled. "I am being the girl!"

"Nuh-uhhh. You keep looking at me."

"Where am I supposed to look?"

"Your head is supposed to be on my shoulder."

Oh. "That's not really…mandatory."

"Oh. Well, do it anyway. Us slow dancing and looking each other in the eye is kind of awkward."

He had a point. I laid my head on his shoulder and he held me closer to him to adjust. I knew this was such a bad idea. I was teaching Finn to be the perfect prom date, and the second I saw him with whatever girl he asked, I was going to get jealous. I thought I was over him—especially after the incident right after he first moved in—but slow dancing with him here, in the room we shared, with his hands positively caressing my lower back and my head being cradled by his pectoral muscle, UMF, he definitely works out, so firm, I knew that my crush was far from being gone. I had to be careful—for his sake as well as my own.

After a few more minutes of this glorious slow dance, I was getting sick of Boyz II Men and I needed to move on. "I think you've got the slow dance down, Finn. Let's move on to a fast dance."

I flipped around on my iPod until I found the perfect song for a fast dance—I Believe in a Thing Called Love by The Darkness. It's a prom/party/wedding/bar mitzvah staple, and most likely, would be played at prom. Plus, just plain epic.

"Okay, just listen to the music, and do what you feel like doing." He looked at me uncertainly. "I'm serious, move how your brain has wired you to move. If it's awful, I will laugh at you. And then fix it." I smirked. He gave me the finger. "Kinda rude for someone I'm helping out!" I laughed. "Come on, dance!"

To this day, I've never seen anything quite like what Finn did. He threw his arms in the air and swung his hips crazily, he jumped up and down, he air-fucked some invisible person, he air-spanked himself, and then gestured for me to join him. I was too busy laughing my ass off.

"Come on!" he said, hopping over to me and grabbing my hands. He twirled me, he picked me up and spun me around, and finally, he let go of me and just started headbanging. "FREESTYLE!" he yelled.

I couldn't help myself. The song was so catchy, and my body was just made for dancing. I started breaking it down, shimmying and shaking my ass and jumping around like a moron. I was in my own little world for a while, until I noticed Finn staring at me.

"What's your problem?" I said, not stopping for anything, "I'm freestyling!"

He giggled. "It looks good! Teach me!"

"Finn, I'm just jumping around and shaking my ass."

"Yeah, but it looks good!"

I stopped jumping and shaking and looked at him for a minute. Luckily, the music stopped, so it wasn't as awkward as it could have been. "That's how girls dance, Finn. Your lady friend wouldn't be into you dancing like a girl."

"Oh." He looked a bit disappointed.

"Okay, well, your fast dancing was good enough. The deal with that is to just have a good time. If you smile and you're able to laugh at yourself, you'll be fine." We stood there in silence for a second.

"Okay, so…the last one?" Finn asked.

"Grinding." My heart about beat out of my chest.

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Um…" I couldn't even form a coherent sentence. "Well, let me put on some music, and I'll show you what to do." I flipped to Chris Brown's Kiss Kiss. "This is a dance to be done mostly with rap songs. It's pretty popular…" my voice trailed off. Damn. How was I gonna do this?

"Okay, what do I do?"

"Um…okay, I'm gonna touch you again…just to show you how to move your hips, okay?"

"It's fine, come on! I feel like dancin'!" he laughed. He was so cute.

I grabbed his hips (and I'm very proud of myself for not thrusting) and swiveled them. "Okay, so, you move your hips like this, and you put your hands on the girl's hips. You think you can do that?"

"Yeah." He swiveled a bit on his own, a little less gracefully, "Okay, I'm ready for your part."

"Um. Do you really need me to do the girl part?" I was sweating a little and, if we're being honest, I was getting a partial boner. "All you have to do is hold on to her hips."

"What is she going to be doing?"

"Rubbing her butt against your crotch."

He paused for a moment, and then, "Is it going to be hard for me to hold on to her?"

"I don't know…if she's going to go crazy with it, maybe…but probably not…"

Finn stomped his foot. "Please, Kurt? I don't wanna make you uncomfortable, but I need to be ready, because I want to be perfect at this! I can't do it exactly right without someone to dance with!"

"We could get Carole—"

"I AM NOT GRINDING ON MY MOM!"

"Well, you have a point…" I hesitated and tried to ignore my crotch. "You promise you're not gonna hit me?"

"Oh my God, man! Is that what this is about?" He rolled his eyes. "I am asking YOU to teach me how to dance. We have to touch for that to happen. I'm not going to get mad for you dancing with me…I thought you trusted me more than that, now." He looked genuinely hurt.

"Okay, fine! I'll grind on you!" I never thought I'd hear those words coming out of my mouth with Finn Hudson.

I stood with my back to him. "Okay, put your hands on my hips." I immediately felt the seam of his zipper on my ass and I just about died. I restarted the song. "Okay, now do what you were doing before, just…yeah…just like that." It came out as barely a whisper. Finn Hudson was grinding himself against me, and it was all I could do right then to have to excuse myself. I realized that I wasn't moving, so I started to grind back against him, gyrating my hips. He grunted. I tried to calm myself and act as though it was normal to be grinding on my stepbrother in my bedroom. My pants were incredibly tight. I was finding it difficult to breathe, probably a mixture of the dancing, my heart beating out of my chest, and the fact that I was about 99% sure I felt a Finn Hudson Erection (and yes, it deserved capital letters) rubbing up against me. Around the same time I realized the song was ending. I turned around.

"That was good, Finn."

He seemed breathless. "Yeah? Good."

I couldn't help but glance down at his crotch. He noticed. "Um. I'm sorry…" he tried to cover it up with his shirt.

"It's fine. I was rubbing up against you, it would happen to anyone. I know you're not gay…bro…" Yep. Because I was going to make it just that awkward.

"Yeah." He nodded with a look on his face that I couldn't interpret.

"Okay, good lesson. You may go on and do whatever you want, now." I desperately needed him to leave so that I could take my pants off.

"Right. Thanks." He patted me on the shoulder awkwardly and ran up the stairs. I, on the other hand, laid on my bed for some much-needed "me time".

The morning of prom, I went to the Men's Wearhouse to pick up Finn's tux. I owned my own. Finn's was beautiful—sleek black jacket and slacks, deep blue vest with matching bow tie. I knew it would look fabulous on him. I patted myself on the back for being so awesome. I sent Finn to a spa to get his pores cleaned out and get a good massage to relax him. I knew how nervous he got when it came to asking girls out, and this time, he had good reason to be. I've never in my life heard of asking a girl to prom the DAY OF PROM. What he was thinking, I will never know. I spent the night before plucking his eyebrows, showing him what to shave and what not to shave—he asked me if he should shave "down there," I about died—and told him he could borrow the after-shave my dad bought me when I hit puberty that, no surprise, I never needed to use. I always dabbed a bit on, though, because I loved the smell.

I went downstairs with Finn's tux and laid it on his bed, and then I went into my bathroom to change into my tux. I heard Finn coming down the stairs. "Hey! Did you ask her?" I yelled through the bathroom door.

"Not ready yet…" Finn said. "This my tux?"

"Yeah, it's gonna look great on you!"

"Thanks, man." He replied, and I heard a zipper. "Cool color! What color is yours?"

"Mine is a black jacket and slacks with a purple ruffle dress shirt."

"Oh." He sounded worried. "Will we look good together?"

"Does it matter?" I think he often missed the point…of everything.

"Well, I assume mom is going to want to take pictures."

"I guess you're right." I looked down at my shirt. "We oughta look okay." I came out of the bathroom. "What do you think?"

Finn was wearing his dress pants and a t-shirt. His mouth gaped. "You look so good." He was sincere.

I was oddly touched. "Thanks, Finn." His eyes lingered on me a moment before putting on his dress shirt and looking with trepidation at his bow tie. "Need help with your tie?"

He sighed with relief. "Yes, please."

I wrapped his tie around his neck and started making the bow, trying to be unaware of his hot breath on my face. "I think I'm ready to ask now." He said.

"Okay, let me finish with your tie, and then I'll get the phone for you." I tied meticulously. "Just remember to stay calm and you'll be fine."

"Will you be my date to prom?"

"Yes, that sounds good. Just keep it simple and calm. Do it just like that."

"No, Kurt." He grabbed both of my hands as they were in action at his neck. I looked up at him, confused. "Will you please be my date to prom?"

I'm fairly sure my eyes popped out of my head. "Me? You want me to be your date to prom?"

Finn nodded. "I've been so nervous. And I knew you would want your date to be able to dance. And I'm awful at picking out clothes and I knew you would want me to look nice. And—" he reached into a bag that was sitting on his bed and pulled out a plastic box with a white flower inside, "I got you a corsage."

I really didn't know what to say. I was in shock. "But…you're not gay."

"I know…I'm not exactly sure what I am right now…but…ever since mom and Burt got married and we've had to spend all this time together…I don't know…" he looked very nervous. "and could you stop calling me 'bro'? It makes this weird crush I have on you that much more awkward."

My mouth hung open in shock. Finn leaned down and kissed me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed back, my mind exploding from the revelation of the last five minutes. We made out until Carole called down the stairs that it was time for pictures.

"Come on, boys! Picture time!"

Finn pulled away from me. "So…will you be my date to prom?"

I laughed. "Of course I will, oh my God!" I helped him put his vest on and he patted my hair back into place and we walked up the stairs.

"Okay, boys, get together. Finn, put your arms around Kurt's waist, Kurt, put your arms around Finn's neck…"

"YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS?"

Dad and Carole nodded. "Kurt. You were grinding on each other in the basement." Carole said, rolling her eyes.

"Finn asked me what your favorite flower was so that he could get it for your corsage."

I looked up at Finn. "You know this is incredibly incestuous."

"It's not incest if it's your stepbrother. I asked mom."

"It's pretty weird though." My dad admitted.

I kissed Finn, and Carole snapped pictures. This was going to be the best prom ever.