Title: The Revenge of the Fez

Summary: In "The Big Bang," what exactly prompted River to disintegrate our Doctor's beloved fez?

Author: blackrose5242

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+ For mild, fez-related violence. ;)

Characters: The Eleventh Doctor, River Song, (minor) Amy Pond

Author's Notes: I'd like to thank my little brother for helping me with this idea! After we watched The Big Bang (phenomenal!), he and I just couldn't get over the crazy fez scenes! Odd, enthusiastic conversations ensued; therefore, I bring you this! We practically acted out the whole thing together, I just put it on paper and fixed it up a bit. Anyways, thanks to my little buddy! Couldn't have posted this without you!

A/N2: Also, this is my first Doctor Who fic! And my first attempt at writing humor. So, hopefully, I didn't do too bad! I'd really love your feedback to see what you thought about it. Thanks!

Disclaimer: To quote Amy: "In one very simple word even you can understand." No.

"Doctor! Look at what I bought!" River announced as she excitedly walked up to the TARDIS console. In her hands, she carried a medium-sized purple box with green ribbon wrapped around the top. After sending them floating through the time vortex, the Doctor looked up.

"What is it?" He walked over to her as she began to open the present. Her hands deftly reached into the box and pulled out the object.

To his complete, utter and horrid astonishment, what came out of the box was the last thing he had ever expected.

River twirled her new blue fez with a finger, a wide grin plastered on her face, "Isn't this just the oddest hat you've ever seen? There was a hat stand in the marketplace. This one was for sale, and it even matched the same shade of blue as the TARDIS!" She emphasized her love of the accessory by placing it atop her curly-haired head.

Her smile slowly faded as she took in the Doctor's venomous and angry glare, which was pointed directly at the fez, "What? You don't like it?" She sounded disappointed.

"What in the name of insanity have you got on your head?" He asked her, repeating the exact words she had said on top of the National Museum's roof, back in 1996. Or, considering her timeline, he thought, words that she would later say. The Doctor suddenly realized that the events of the Pandorica and the exploding TARDIS had not happened, yet, in her time stream. But it was ages ago for him.

"It's a fez. I thought you'd love it!"

He breathed slowly as the vivid memory of Amy and a future River ganging up on him, shooting his beloved fez out of the sky, returned.

Gun.

The Doctor suddenly had a brilliant, vengeful idea.

"You have your gun?" He changed his glance from the fez, to her gun holster.

"Of course I do, but-hey!" She gasped as the Doctor promptly stole the weapon from her holster, snatched the blue fez from her head, and marched directly towards the TARDIS doors.

"Doctor, what are you doing?" River turned on her heel and raced after him.

The Doctor flung the doors open and, before River could protest, tossed the hat out into the expanded air bubble the TARDIS provided for him. He aimed the gun at the blue fez, an almost manic laugh escaping his lips as he shot it into oblivion. He had finally avenged his red fez, the one that River would one day destroy, even though she didn't know it now.

"What the hell was that for?"

He turned to face her, "Always remember, River: Fezzes are cool." He handed back her gun.

And with that, the Doctor left an outrageously confused River Song, staring out into the space her blasted blue fez now occupied.

National Museum rooftop, 1996

"I have questions, but number one is this: What in the name of insanity have you got on your head?" River looked at the Doctor, exasperated. Although, she thought, saying that did eerily remind her of the time the Doctor had blasted her blue fez into space.

He grinned, "It's a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool."

Meeting River's mischievous look, Amy quickly made the Doctor fez-less and threw the red hat into the air. The Doctor exclaimed as River shot it with perfect precision.

Just before the stone Dalek rose into view, River took a moment to be pleased with herself. She had finally avenged her blue fez the Doctor had destroyed all those years ago.

End Notes: A paradox (I think)! I never thought I'd actually be clever enough to write one. In case it was confusing-because the Doctor had seen River shoot his fez, this fueled his revenge to shoot her's once he picked her up on the TARDIS in her past. She bought the blue one, but since the Doctor shot the blue one, she destroyed his red one in the future. Voila, a paradox(again, I think it's a paradox!). Past!River and Future!Eleven with the blue fez, and Future!River and Past!Eleven with the red fez! Not sure if that made it all the more confusing, but, I hope you enjoyed my poor attempt at humor anyways!

No fezzes were harmed in the making of this fiction.