A/N: This isn't meant to offend any of the great authors on this site, just poking some fun at the recurring themes in this particular fandom while making horrible jokes based on references to obscure things that most likely no one else will find funny. Really, this was all in fun.

Thank you tvtropes and Dreaming-Of-A-Nightmare for the inspiration! Seriously, go check out her(?) work, it's fantastic and makes your heart feel all gooey inside.

Howdy howdy howdy, folks! It's time for the Toy Parody drinking game! Y'all are going to need something to get through this!

Every time someone in the story says the word 'angst' or some variation of it, take a shot! (Of root beer of course, if you're not old enough to drink. If you don't like root beer, you are a sad, strange little girl, and you have my pity. Yes, a girl. Let's face it, most of the readers here are female anyways.)
Every time there's an awkward silence, take a shot!
Every time the fourth wall's broken, grab a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster or some Romulan Ale!
Every time you catch an obscure reference, take a shot!
Every time you start a new paragraph, take a shot! It'll all seem funnier that way, and the author will feel better about herself. She's already depressed enough about (this is the only disclaimer you're getting for this chapter) not owning Rick Astley, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Toy Story, Pixar, Beetlejuice, Star Trek, Harry Potter, the president, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, That Seventies Show, Legally Blonde, Egypt, and a pet snow leopard. No, not all these things show up in this story, but the author figures she might as well whine about it since you're a captive audience and all and can't do anything to stop her. What? Power going to my head? Haven't got a clue what you're talking about.

Take a drink every time the author goes on a power trip. Now, on to the story!

"Woody! I've been looking for you all over. What are you doing under there?" Buzz asked the local sheriff, who was currently curled up in the fetal position under Bonnie's bed.

"I'm a little busy right now Buzz, come back later," snapped Woody moodily.

"…Busy doing what?" Buzz questioned, looking nonplussed.

"Angsting, obviously. It's not like I do anything else in fanfics these days."

Buzz rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well, can't argue with you there."

"There's a first," Woody muttered under his… breath? Do these toys even breathe? I mean, I've seen them panting after running and close calls, but it's not like they've got lungs or an actual need for air, so I'm not really sure what was going on there. Is it some sort of imitation, or-

(Bo Peep shows up at this point and drags the author out of the story with her crook, then conveniently disappears so we can have some form of continuity here. The fourth wall is already a lost cause.)

"…"

"…"

"Are you done angsting yet?"

Woody glared, tugging his hat down further over his face. This didn't really help much where the glare was concerned, since it covered most of it, but just take my word that the cowboy. Was. Not. Happy. Happy people don't try to glare down futuristic astronauts through a ten gallon hat. "Does it look like it?"

"Guess not." The spaceman sat next to Woody, gratified to see that he didn't scoot away. This could have been because he was busy trying to glare through his hat (it's not as easy as it sounds), but Buzz liked to think it was because they'd become such good friends over the years.

"Do you, um, want to talk about it?" Was there ever a way to get someone to talk about their problems that wasn't awkward, Buzz wondered.

Woody shook his head, his hat in danger of falling off, and burrowed deeper into his knees. He had really too much practice with the whole I'm-going-to-angst-and-block-out-everything-else-be-it-fire-or-the-apocalypse-or-an-undead-ghoul-trying-to-force-unsuspecting-innocents-into-marriage thing.

Or not. Woody began to talk slowly, his warm, accented voice listing out his current troubles. "It's not that I'm not happy, because I am. Bonnie's a good girl, but it's just that she's… she's not Andy. She's also obviously plotting to lead us as her miniscule minions to take over the tricounty area, bringing down a storm of imaginary pie-throwing ghosts upon everyone's head. No wonder she's always cackling on the night of the full moon and saying the Lord's Prayer backwards. Then there's the rest of the toys, and what if I'm not a good enough leader? I've suddenly developed an inferiority complex, but I bet everyone else's is better. My obligatory love interest got shipped out and I never got to say goodbye, and now Ken keeps sending me letters about how he wants to see if I can put that whip of mine to good use, along with any other skills I might have. Also, I think I'm supposed to be angsting about my shadowy past which is never adequately explained in the movie, but it must have been pretty traumatic considering the way I clung to Andy despite having previous owners. Sometimes Buzz, it just seems like a lot of things on your shoulders, you know?" Woody sighed.

Buzz nodded. "Understood, and it doesn't help that the author tried to cram in every cliché she could find while having a dramatic scene. Are we doing a parody or a real story here? I don't think even the author knows." Then something Woody had said clicked in Buzz's mind. "Wait, what do you mean Ken's sending you letters?"

"Yeah, she mentioned that she's going to use those for this parody, but I bet she's just too lazy to come up with original angst material," Woody replied, not addressing Buzz's last question.

"Agreed, but seriously, what was that about the letters?"

"So now I'm a plot point instead of a character, because if I angst hard enough, someone will try to stop me and we'll go through some soul-searching traumatic experience that will cure me and it'll be happily ever after! Worst of all, it's making me spontaneously break into monologues!"

"Woody, why is Ken writing to you!"

Woody shook his head. "It's all such a big hassle."

Buzz started hitting his head against the bedpost in frustration. He was confused as to why that wasn't as effective as he thought it would be. Ah.

Buzz opened his helmet and began banging his head into the bedpost. Much better.

"Uh…. Buzz? What're you doing?" Woody leaned over, all big brown doe eyes that showed the depths of his concern for his best friend for the entire world to see, if the entire world made a habit of staring into the eyes of what the majority thought of as an inanimate object. Buzz was beginning to be concerned about the direction the author's descriptions were going, especially if it was assumed they were his point of view. But right, back to the story. Parody. Whatever it is you readers are suffering through right now.

Never gonna give you up,
Never gonna let you down,
Never gonna run around and desert you,
Never gonna make you cry,
Never gonna say goodbye,
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Not that kind of suffering!

Lost the game.

Dammit.

(You should be drunk at this point, or thoroughly sick of root beer. So you know. If you're not, well…. Angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst. There, that should do it!)

Buzz cleared his throat. Oh yeah. "So, guess we'll just continue where we left off…"

Thunk. Thunk. Thunka thunk thunk. Thunk.

"Buzz, what are you doing!" Woody finally uncurled from the necessary angst position (i.e. fetal position) and grabbed the spaceman by the shoulders, stopping him from getting a concussion, or whatever the toy equivalent of that was.

"Trying to make myself pass out. I think your angstiness is contagious. Or just really frustrating. Is deafness also a symptom of angsting?"

Woody pursed his lips, thinking. Buzz pretended that he wasn't following the author's orders and totally staring at the sight. Denial's so cute when it's on someone else. "You know, I think you're right. Can't imagine why you'd bring it up though."

Buzz stared at him in disbelief. "…So, why was Ken sending you letters again?"

Woody blinked. "Because he wanted to see what I could do with a whip? You thinking they're going to have a rodeo at the daycare?"

Buzz shook his head. "Wouldn't count on it."

"Weird."

"In so many ways I don't want to think about."

Woody stood up, brushing the dust off his pants. "Well, he probably won't be too disappointed. He seemed pretty happy in the last one he sent me, something about… there being a lot of military men around now."

Woody and Buzz blanched when that last statement sunk in. Bad, bad mental images.

Woody offered his friend a hand up and they both looked at each other. "Want to pretend this entire conversation never happened and that we went through some bonding experience that helped me get over my depression and skip to the part where I'm cured?" Woody offered.

"Sounds like a plan. Who needs plausible character development anyways?"

"Exactly, partner. Why'd you stop by here, Buzz?"

Buzz looked down, the slightest tinge of pink touching his cheeks. Somehow. Blushing toys don't make a lot of sense, but then again, neither do toys needing air. The whole sentient toy thing doesn't either, to be honest. We'll just go with it. "Actually, I came by to ask what happened during the time I was reset. It sounded pretty bad."

The cowboy knew his friend would take that period roughly, he was protective of his friends as any good space ranger would be and couldn't stand the thought of anyone hurting them. The fact that it was him harming them just made it all the more painful.

"Buzz… Look, no one here blames you for that, alright? It was all Lotso's doing." Woody placed what he hoped was a comforting hand on Buzz's shoulder.

The newer toy gazed at him with an uncomprehending look on his face before the proverbial light went off. "Oh! No, no, I'm already over that." Well, that was fast. "I meant that, from what I've heard, I'm apparently a sexual deviant when I'm not in my right mind. What exactly happened?"

Woody winced. Why did he get stuck with these kinds of tasks? And wasn't not being in your right mind part of the definition for sexual deviant? He really needed to start choosing friends less prone to getting brainwashed. You would think that with all the times Buzz lost his mind, or that they came across a Buzz that had never had one in the first place, it was some sort of running gag.

Woody snorted at the thought. Now wasn't that just ridiculous?

A/N: Ken was able to deliver letters through the octopus, Stretch(?), in the movie, so I figured I'd add it in. Anyone else think he was really, really happy when the toy soldiers showed up?

Review and tell me how random I am? How I forced you to kiss your childhood goodbye? *crosses fingers* How much you enjoyed the story?