Disclaimer: I have absolutely no intention of being sent to Azkaban. I could break out, of course - but what a waste of time, and frankly, I can think of a whole host of things I would rather be doing.

After laughing (at the list, then at herself for laughing at the list, then at the list again, then herself and so on) for a good hour, Pomona hefted herself off of the floor and collapsed into her chair. All she could think about was the list (normally her thoughts would revolve around plants and such, so for her to be not thinking about them was something that happened once every hundred thousand years or so) and what she was going to add to it.

An evil look slowly replaced the adorable, flushed one that she previously supported. With a girlish giggle (note: cackle, 'cos with that look upon her face, only evil sounds could be made) she picked up her quill, dainty (note: stabbed; again, the look prevents the bearer from doing anything not evil and twisted) the tip of the quill into the ink well that was on her desk. A second (a very slim one, almost anorexic) before the inked tip of the quill was about to touch the parchment, a knock came from her door and a sickening (as in vomit worthy) voice could be heard (thankfully) behind it.

"Pomona, darling? May I have a word?" Without waiting for said 'Pomona darling' to confirm that yes, indeed she may come in. Or (and this is closest to reality) no, no you may not have a word. Banish yourself, you she devil! But, alas, Pomona wasn't given a choice and had to endure Dolores give her (oh so very helpful and not at all degrading) tips on gardening and how keeping oneself clean and tidy at all times is a must if we want to set the proper (note: notice how she didn't use the word 'good') example for the children. I'll set a good example for them, Pomona thought viciously, (yes, yes a 'Puff and a violent word in the same sentence. No, there is no 4 Horse Men of the bloody apocalypse) I'll show them just how to kill someone in an orderly proper manner, with that in mind she giggled a bit and glanced over to the list that was lying in wait underneath a plant pot. Dolores heard her giggle and started into a brand new rant (one that has never been heard before. One that she spent all night working on) about the right behaviour for Professors of Hogwarts. Gritting her teeth and sighing inwardly, Pomona nodded at the right moments during Dolores' rant and waited until she had finished before sighing in relief and unclenching her jaw.

"Bloody hell," she murmured (and created a hole in the space and time continuum, effectively changing the evolution of man. We all now have gills and communicate via clicking our tongues. Go on, check if you don't believe me) rubbing her eyes warily. Picking up the list, the look of pure evilness crept back onto her face. Taking the quill in her hand for the second time that day, she started to scribble furiously. 2 hours later she charmed the envelope, containing the list and a letter, to find a certain person. Smiling angelically, (note: like Satan himself, or herself. Whichever you prefer) she sat back in her chair and relaxed. Oh yes, she mused, her mind back to plants, he will love this more than the Chicken Pie that the house elves make.

At the Order of The Chicken, a few hours later.

Albus stretched his arms above his head and rubbed the back of his neck. He had fallen asleep ('cos he's old and needs naps) at his desk again and gotten a cramp in his neck, again. If only Minnie were here, he thought with a wistful smile, it would be a lot better. Shaking his head to dispel any thoughts of Minerva McGonagall (which were basically all his thoughts, so in essence he cleared his mind of everything and was ready for a long, mentally draining lesson in occlumency- ah wait, that's the wrong person, sorry) he looked at the work load covering his desk and bit back a sigh. Being the leader of the Light wasn't all it cracked up to be; first there was the mountains upon mountains of paperwork, such as Health Insurance forms and robe repair orders (Merlin knows that no one could be more careful with their clothing, it's not like they have to fix 'em or sign the bloody Seamstress orders or anything).

Then there was being the bearer of news, both good and bad. Tell them that Voldemort has risen and suddenly you're the bad guy. Then tell them you know a way to defeat said newly risen villian, you're the good guy. Then say that no, Mr. Potter is not allowed here for his own good, and you're now Satan. Hormonal group of teenage girls, he thought with an annoyed frown. Finally there was getting thrown out of your own house because someone (yes, that's you Fudge) thinks you're planning to overthrow him using school children.

Grumbling (note: squawking indignantly, like familiar, like master) he tore through the remaining paper, attempting to finish it without anymore distractions (like napping, old man). This, of course, failed as a letter came flying at his head from the window. Whipping out his wand (LOL, innuendo much) he waved it at the letter and it stopped in front of him. He looked at it curiously and jabbed it with his wand. Satisfied that is contained nothing that would hurt him (apart from the corners of the paper, gotta watch out for those) he open the crinkled, stained, holey and dirt cover enveloped and took out both pieces of parchment. Taking the one with his name on it, he opened it and started to read. His blue eyes twinkled up a storm by the end of the letter and he turned his attention to the other piece of parchment. Minutes latter he was laughing so hard that his chair toppled backwards with him sitting on it (and poor Remus, who was walking past the study, minding his own wolfy business when he heard Albus laugh. Suffice to say Remus was scarred for life, mentally).

Dear Abe,

Since you left, nothing has been the same. That foul toad (for that's what she is) is picking on the students, my 'Puffs and Minnie's Lions in particular. Now, I know you're no longer here but I thought I would send you something, a list, which Sev (Merlin bless his little cotton socks) started. It has brought great joy to Fussy, Minnie and I. I am hoping it does the same for you. Add to the list and then send it back to Sev; he has been the subject to Dolores' torture for far to long. Well all miss you and are rooting for you, even if no one but me knows about this letter.

Sincerely,

Pomona.

50 ways to Kill Dolores Umbridge: Professor Style

31. She thinks she can tell me how to look after plants? Well, lets see how she likes it when I put her into a room with a fully grown Devils Snare.

32. Get the pink bow and transfigure it into a Mandrake. Charm it so only she can hear it.

33. Whomping Willow anyone? Tell her that Dumbles is hiding in the hole at the bottom of it.

34. Use her as quaffle. Get those two Slytherins, Crabbe and Goyle, to have a go at her with beaters bats.

35. Well, she loves her eggs. Transfigure a badger into one for about 5 minutes and wait for her to eat it. Watch with nefarious amusement as it breaks free from the confines of her stomach with its' sharp, pointy claws.

36. Smother her in her sleep. Simple, but highly effective.

37. Have some Steak and Kidney pie made especially for her. When she takes the first bite of it, tell her that you used the meat of a werewolf in it. Laugh as she dies from choking. (Note: use normal meat. I mean, we're only killing Dolores and killing werewolves and eating them is wrong.)

38. . Poke her until she falls over dead.

39. Could you stab her with a quill? I'm sure if you do it enough times she'd. And wouldn't come back 'cos she's not as annoying as Voldemort.

40. Ah, teenage angst. Get Harry (such a lovely boy, has his sights set on one of my 'Puffs, Susan) to act really grumpy all day. When asked a question by anyone, tell him to reply with, "No, I'm full of teenage angst." When he's in Dolores' class, get him to repeatedly hit his head off of his desk whilst saying, "Angst" like a mantra. When she comes over to Harry, have him launch into a speech about Voldemort and how he keeps on ruining his life and how much Harry wants him gone. When Dolores states that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is not back, get Harry to scream and shout at her that his is. Have him storm out of her classroom and when she follows him, make him go to the Boathouse. When he is walking down the stairs, have him disappear and creep up behind Dolores. Pushing her gently, making her over balance, watch as she falls all the stairs. And dies.

To whom this may concern; chapter 5 shall be uploaded soon. Thank you to all of those people who favorite'd and shizz. Thanks to those who reviewed. And thanks to BuzzCat for saying yes to Dumbles. I salute you.