This is the dumbest thing I have ever written. Whether or not this is a bad thing is up for you to decide. Updates will happen whenever I feel like it, but this will be finished someday.

Disclaimer: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Shinji the Ninja Pirate

Prologue – Pirate meet ninja, ninja meet pirate

As we all know, a certain boy protects the city of Tokyo-3. Our safety and survival rests in his hands. When the Angels decide to strike next, we will call upon him to defend us and to prevent the Third Impact. This boy is known by most as Shinji Ikari. Yet it has become clear recently that he is incompetent and will never fulfill his promises of salvation. At best, he is a lowly criminal and, at worst, a pervert.

He is a dangerous ninja pirate that lurks in the shadows and hides in our backyards, waiting to rape our women and pillage the fields. While this wild streak of his may make him sound dreamy, he is most definitely not of the hunky variety, I assure you.

Let me start with Shinji's true history to better illustrate the flaws in his character:

Shinji's past, prior to his arrival in Tokyo-3, is sketchy in its tragedy, and tragic in its sketchiness. When Shinji was only five years old, his mother died under mysterious circumstances (sources suggest she was murdered by ninjas during a clan dispute). Evidence states irrefutably that Shinji was abandoned by his dad after his mother's death, and taken in by his aunt and uncle from out of town. What happened next during Shinji's stay with his relatives may sound unbelievable, but I am totally not making any of this up.

Okay, so Shinji tried living a normal lifestyle with his distant relatives and succeeded—in the beginning at least. In school, he earned average grades, he did his homework and all, but, you see, society refused to accept Shinji as he was. He was bullied constantly. Shinji's detractors called him names like emo, or "pathetic excuse of a man," baby, wimp, whiner, pussy, coward and whipped to cite a few. Perhaps they saw in him what they feared about themselves and abused him accordingly. Maybe his haters wanted to see the boy take the punishment like a man and rise above his suffering, prove that losers can win every now and then. In reality, though, the unprovoked anger only added to Shinji's torment. He became more withdrawn. He cried himself to sleep on a regular basis. This story just tugs at the heart, don't it? What a poor, wimpy, whiny and cowardly baby.

Well, in any case, Shinji's life suddenly changed one day.

After running away from his oppressors until dusk, Shinji wound up at a magical sparkling beach (when people say they like to take long walks on a beach, they're talking about this beach, specifically). The waves rolled against the shore, back and forth under a red sky, and Shinji stared at the water, possibly contemplating suicide. At this divine moment, two mighty forces—fate and destiny—intervened and delivered Shinji Ikari a message, in the form of a holy relic, from high above.

The waves crashed against the shore, and when they pulled back, Shinji caught sight of a slender, black object.

He took off his shoes and walked towards the object; the sand felt hot between his toes, but the pain was nothing compared to the number society had already done on him. The six-year old boy got closer and closer until he realized what he saw was a sword—a katana, to be precise. He sank to his knees in front of the katana and gently picked it up. The sword must have gone through unfathomable calamities to reach this shore. How long had it lain on this beach, battling against the persistent waves of destiny? Shinji sniffled; he felt sorry for the katana and identified with it. The blade must have been lonely, like he was, until now. Thus was an everlasting friendship born.

The tide came in, and the tide receded. Back and forth for eternity, this cycle of conquest and retreat repeated endlessly. Watching the waves, an epiphany struck Shinji and he abruptly understood the meaning of life.

He stopped crying and rubbed his tears away! He stood tall and faced the setting sun! He flung the scabbard off the katana, and thrust his new sword towards the heavens and challenged god! "I have been a fool for six long years!" the six-year old boy shouted with a high-pitched voice. "I have wasted away this past year and let men, women, children, pets, trees, flowers, rocks and even inanimate objects insult me! But no longer! Never, never, never ever again shall I be bullied!" he screamed, using both hands to shake the sword that was longer than he was tall. "I will not beg my father or mother for help again! I will not cry again!" he cried out, manly tears of passion streaming down his face. "From this day on, I AM A MAN!" the boy bellowed at the top of his lungs.

The sun descended in fear, while the ocean surged forward with glee. The young boy watched with determined eyes.

The child listened to the surf and the wind, heeding their call. He wasn't finished yet. "OCEAN! I accept your demands! From this day forth, I will listen to the sea and be one with it! I will not need to learn, nor will I ever learn how to swim, for my feet shall forever be firmly planted on the deck of a boat! While on land, I will loot and plunder! I WILL BE A PIRATE, YARRR!" he roared, pumping his tiny fists in the air while his testicles dropped spontaneously.

The clouds ran away from this child and the sky opened for his great destiny.

"BLADE!" Ikari hollered at the weapon in his hand, and used it to cut open his own little, six-year old arms; his blood gushed out obscenely. "Your call has also been heard! I know what you will have of me, and you will have of me what you will! I swear on my excessively hot blood to follow you wherever your edge takes me! If anything stands in our way, we shall tear it asunder! After this day, this hour, this minute, this second, I immerse myself in darkness! I EMBRACE THE NINJA WITHIN ME!"

Lighting sprang from non-existent clouds but its thunder was nothing next to Shinji's loud proclamation. Indeed, a frightening combination of two awesome opposites—ninja and pirate—had been synthesized.

His tiny arms still bleeding profusely from self-inflicted wounds, Shinji Ikari slashed the sky and split it in two (yeah, he created the hole in the ozone layer). "I understand the connection between night and water! I will proceed to the future and forget the past and present! Neither heaven nor hell stands a chance against me! I AM A NINJA PIRATE NOW AND FOREVER!" Shinji declared and collapsed under the weight of his own greatness.

It was a terrible, terrible day that would have untold repercussions on an unsuspecting Tokyo-3 in the year 2015.

The next morning, Shinji opened his eyes from where he lay on the beach and saw his aunt and uncle looking down on him with pride. It turned out his uncle was a retired pirate, while his aunt was a renegade shinobi. They could not have been more pleased with their badass new god of a nephew.

So for the next nine years, they trained Shinji. During the daytime, his uncle taught him how to navigate a boat, how to treat scurvy, how to drink heavily, and how to disrespect women. During the night, his aunt informed him how to use the cover of darkness to his advantage, how to wield a blade, how to hide behind toothpicks, and how to look good in tight, black clothing. By the time Shinji was fifteen, he could slit a man's throat while making sexist comments about said man's wife. He was a disaster waiting to happen to any Japanese-German girls who might appear later in this narrative.

Then, god help us, Shinji the Ninja Pirate got a call to come to Tokyo-3.