A/N: I know this has been going on for a while, but I couldn't help it! I wanted to make one so badly. The format belongs to Theresa Green and I take no credit for it. But after I read all those other awesome manuals, I felt so inadequate *cries*.
HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of your very own HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit. This guide will be essential in unlocking the fullest potential of your destructive ex-bartender. And on this note, we congratulate you wholeheartedly on your purchase once again.
Technical Specifications
Name: HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO (will respond to names like 'Shizuo-kun', 'Shizuo-chan', 'Heiwajima-san', 'Shizuo' and will respond indirectly to names like 'Shizzy-chan', 'Shizu-chan' and for best results 'barten-san'and 'shitsuji-san'. You may also address him as 'deranged bartender with cheap shades and a bad dye job'.)
Age: 23
Place of Manufacture: Ikebukuro, Japan
Height: 185 cm
Weight: 70 kg
Length: Unknown (staff who tried finding out were spotted flying though the walls and landing in a nearby fruit stand)
Note: We did compensate the fruit seller.
Sub note: You should expect a lot from someone with that much testosterone.
Your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit comes with the following accessories:
One pack of cigarettes (brand randomly selected, so if your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit does not like them, you're on your own)
One cigarette lighter
Twenty bartender suits (inclusive of white shirt, waistcoat, trousers and bow tie)
One pair of blue shades
One pair of leather shoes and black socks
Removing your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit from his box
Your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit is one which hates violence, and ironically becomes violent in the presence of violence. Also, your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO did not take well to being forced into a box and chained and thus it is absolutely not recommended for you to remove your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit from his packaging violently. Unless you want your face, spinal cord and oesophagus (but not limited to those) unceremoniously ripped out and thrown across the street. Fortunately, there are a few ways for the safe removal of your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit.
Method 1: Even though your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit is extremely violent, he has a few bosom friends that can be used to pacify him upon removal from his box. You may place the following units near his box to calm him: HEIWAJIMA KASUKA (you may also play a movie starring the HEIWAJIMA KASUKA unit), CELTY STURLUSON, TANAKA TOM, SIMON BREZHNEV. Only then can you remove the chains. Please never ever place an ORIHARA IZAYA unit within a two mile radius of your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit. He can smell said unit, and the box will explode. The next thing you know, your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit would have caused the third World War.
Method 2: It has been found that the smell of cigarettes can calm your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit. So we suggest that you light some of your father's cigarettes (we recommend about ten). Quickly undo the chains and leave the room before you inhale second hand smoke. Your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit will be sitting quietly in the room by the time the smoke clears up. Warning: Do not ever smoke. Smoking can cause lung cancer. But do not try telling that to your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit. He will kill you.
Method 3: Strangely enough, your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit enjoys normal dairy products as much as most people. Bring a carton of milk, a cup of pudding and an ice cream cone to the room you have his box in. Wave said products above his box and make him understand that if he calms down, he will get to have them. If you are unsuccessful in doing so and he misunderstands, we can only wish you the best of luck.
Programming
If you are reading this, we can assume that you have successfully removed your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit with minimum hassle. Congratulations once again! Your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit is extremely versatile despite his violent tendencies, and here are some suggestions to help you make the best of him!
Bartender: Your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit was once a bartender after all, and has prior experience with cocktail glass cleaning and alcoholic beverages. This feature is particularly useful for parties where you want to serve your guests alcoholic beverages, but have no idea how to do it. It also helps that the HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit insists on wearing his bartender suit for every waking moment of his existence, adding to the authenticity. He may charge though.
Weight-lifter/Strongman: The HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit is capable of performing inhumane feats, such as tossing an elephant slides at enemies without much effort. Use this feature to win your local weight-lifting championships…even all the way to the Olympics! This is provided that you get him to just lift the weights and not throw them.
Stuntman: It has been noted that the HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO units seem to have inhuman tolerance of things like pain, injuries etc. Sign him up to be a stuntman today. Those Hollywood producers will be glad that they do not have to spend anything on special effects like bullet wounds, explosions and so on. Note that you do not have to buy insurance for your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit. Just keep a KISHITANI SHINRA unit handy. Enjoy the easy pickings!
Boyfriend: The HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO units can be said to be fairly (if not extremely) attractive. Not only that, the HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit is very gentlemanly and romantic to objects of his desire. He is also easily jealous, which makes many fangirls go crazy. He will also take responsibility for all his actions with you. So…go crazy.
Bodyguard: The HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit also has prior experience as a bodyguard. Stalkers? Ex-boyfriends? Aliens? Your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit is guaranteed to take care of all of them satisfactorily before you can say "Please don't sue me." But you may need to pay for public property damage after he is done.
Burglar Alarm: The HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit can detect intruders with his sensitive nose and will flatten all life forms that try to infiltrate your home. Enough said. But we cannot guarantee that he will not destroy your home in the process.
Baritone Singer: With that deep, manly baritone voice of his, your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit will be a much-valued member of your local barbershop quartet. Performances at your local community centre will be received with a standing ovation. That is, if you can persuade him to put on a false mustache and one of those funny hats. And don't forget the cane.
Your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit will come in the following modes:
Indifferent (default)
Pissed Off Level 1
Pissed Off Level 2
#$%&* I'm-Going-On-A-Motherfreaking-Rampage-Pissed Off (CAUTION!)
Warm and Caring (locked)
GO DIE IN A HOLE IZAYA! (default)
Yaoi Fanboy/Out of Character (locked)
Your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit is usually very calm and quiet when unprovoked. If something angers him, he will swing into Pissed Off Level 1mode. Telltale signs include him snapping his cigarette in half and crushing it under his foot. Then he will approach the target of his frustrations in a menacing way, which will indicate to you that he has reached Pissed Off Level 2 mode. If you do not attempt to placate him by placing units like HEIWAJIMA KASUKA, CELTY STURLUSON, TANAKA TOM or attempt to give him dairy products, he will go into the highly dangerous #$%&* I'm-Going-On-A-Motherfreaking-Rampage-Pissed Off mode in which only the SIMON BREZHNEV unit can stop. And if you don't have one handy, you will never see the light of day again, because you will be buried under public property damage bills.
And if you, for some reason decide to place an ORIHARA IZAYA unit within a two mile radius of your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO UNIT, he will immediately go into GO DIE IN A HOLE IZAYA! mode. You can easily detect this from the fact that he will scream IZAYAAAAAA in an extremely venomous voice. He will then swing full-steam into #$%&* I'm-Going-On-A-Motherfreaking-Rampage-Pissed Off mode and you know the rest. It is likely that you will never see your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit again if you allow him to go on a rampage like this, because you will be crushed under the rubble and debris of the remnants of where you live.
The Warm and Caring mode can only be unlocked in the presence of the CELTY STURLUSON or a HEIWAJIMA KASUKA unit. The Yaoi Fanboy/Out of Character mode can only be unlocked with a 7% success rate by placing your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit in close proximity with the KARISAWA ERIKA and WALKER YUMASAKI units for prolonged periods of time. 93% of the time, your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit will be unappreciative of your efforts to unlock his Yaoi Fanboy/Out of Character mode and he will decide to take his frustrations out on you.
But note that if you do manage to get him into Yaoi Fanboy/Out of Character mode, it is often extremely rewarding. Your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit will begin to tail ORIHARA IZAYA units on the lot and then he will attempt to rape/have Angry!Sex/tie him up in bondage etc. Note that most of the visuals you will see are NOT child friendly, because a HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit in Yaoi Fanboy/Out of Character mode seems to have S&M fetishes. But it will obviously please even the most twisted fangirl. We will not be responsible for any of the drama that will inevitably ensue.
Relationships with other units:
ORIHARA IZAYA: As previously illustrated, your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit does NOT take kindly to this unit being in his presence. Your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit has a very sensitive nose and can smell this unit from two miles all around, so if your neighbour owns an ORIHARA IZAYA unit, please move to a new estate, or get your neighbour to move. This is probably due to a vendetta HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO units and ORIHARA IZAYA units swore on each other in high school, leading to their animosity. They will try to kill each other (and everyone in a ten mile radius) if they meet, so for the good of the world, keep these two apart. However, if you manage to get your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO into his Yaoi Fanboy/Out of Character mode, it will be safe to place the two of them in the same room and sit back and enjoy the yaoi.
KISHITANI SHINRA: This unit annoys the hell out of your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit due to his constant pestering and recital of medical jargon that no one can really understand. Your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO has put up with this since middle school and does not want to put up with it any more than he has to. This unit is handy if your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO gets hurt, but other than that, it is best not to put these two units together, especially if your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit is in a bad mood. He will not hurt the KISHITANI SHINRA unit, but he will hurt you.
CELTY STURLUSON: This is one of the only units your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit will show his good side to. This sweet natured Dullahan unit will be able to calm your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit down anytime, anywhere. They will engage in long conversation, all the while smiling and laughing (only applies to your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit) and make you go Aww… Note that the CELTY STURLUSON unit cannot be persuaded to cheat on the KISHITANI SHINRA unit with your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit. They are just friends. The CELTY STURLUSON unit will reap your soul and the HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit will proceed to disembowel you after that if you try.
HEIWAJIMA KASUKA: This is the other unit that your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit is capable of being nice to. Put them in your kitchen, making sure that the fridge is stocked with milk and swoon at the sight of the brotherly love. Note: We do NOT mean incest. It's just gross. By the way, the HEIWAJIMA KASUKA unit will only date HIJIRIBE RURI units. Also the HEIWAJIMA KASUKA unit will often need to go out for autograph sessions, to receive movie deals, photo shoots and so on. Your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit will pine for him when he does. And it is very cute.
TANAKA TOM: Your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit protect this unit to the death. He gets along easily with this unit. The TANAKA TOM unit is one of the only units that will never tick your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit off. A relationship will bloom if you're not careful. Enough said.
SIMON BREZHNEV: This unit will be useful to stop your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit from going on rampages. But he will also try to sell you and your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit sushi which you have never heard of. He can also creep the hell out of you if he wants to. But he is usually very gentle and your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit thinks of him as a good friend. But really, don't eat any sushi he offers you. Your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit knows this by default. The SIMON BREZHNEV unit will also make you pay for any sushi he offers you and your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit. Trust us, just pay.
Cleaning
Your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit believes that he is perfectly capable of doing this by himself, and he will destroy your bathroom if you decide to help him anyway. The HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit enjoys his privacy.
Feeding
The HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit's dietary preferences are similar to those of an eight year old. Do not offer him anything bitter, especially vegetables. This unit will do unspeakable things to you if you try.
Rest
Your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit prefers the freedom of being able to choose his own bedtime. But it is best if you get him to sleep early. He gets cranky easily. And a cranky HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit is not a very fun one. Unless you are very attractive, he will not sleep with you. Also, the HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit enjoys basking in the sun, which is also considered rest as far as he is concerned. So make sure to get him a lawn chair.
Frequently asked questions
Q: My HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit contracted lung cancer! What should I do?
A: Please seek a doctor's opinion on this. Also, please do not send us a bill. We will not entertain anything.
Q: My HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit keeps screaming profanities at me at the top of his voice! This is freaking me out and not to mention waking the neighbours, so what should I do?
A: It seems that your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit is frustrated, but not yet in Pissed Off Level 1mode. All these signs are normal and cannot be helped. You should be thankful that he isn't going on a rampage. But he will soon if you don't calm him down. Feed him milk.
Q: My unit drank all the milk and ate all the pudding. Now my parents are mad at me! What should I do?
A: The HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit loves dairy products and it is only natural that he binges especially when he is angry. We suggest you get him a fridge of his own and fill it with milk and pudding. That way, he won't exhaust your supplies of dairy products and incur your parents' wrath.
Q: My HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit has incurred $xxxxxxxxxxx worth of public property damage and I can't pay it off, and he refuses to work to pay it off either, so what should I do?
A: Well, this can't really be helped, given the unit's temperament. You will just have to work harder and take on more jobs to pay it off. Please do not send your bills to us. We will not entertain anything.
Q: I accidentally intruded upon my HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit's 'happy time' and now I am on the run from his destructive rampages! What should I do?
A: A HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit has a lot of pent up frustrations that he needs to relieve. It's natural. You should have to known better. It can't be helped so, sorry. Please do not try to seek refuge in our offices. We will not take you in.
Troubleshooting
Problem: Your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit keeps telling he wants to ravish an ORIHARA IZAYA unit's body.
Solution: This is a telltale sign that he has unlocked his Yaoi Fanboy/Out of Character mode. You are very lucky, so congratulations! We recommend that you buy one and place them in the same room and enjoy the yaoi scenes. But do not let children see them. However, if for some reason you do not want him to be this way, remind him of all the horrible things the ORIHARA IZAYA unit did to him in high school and so on. He will go full swing into #$%&* I'm-Going-On-A-Motherfreaking-Rampage-Pissed Off mode and you can take it from there.
Problem: Instead of the destructive blond ex-bartender you expected, you received a brown haired little boy in an orange shirt.
Solution: Congratulations! You have received the ultra cute Child!HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit. This is a limited edition unit that only a privileged few get to receive. Note that he is less violent, but breaks his bones easily, so you get to pay public property damage, medical bills, fines etc. But he is also insanely cute and he will warm your heart when he blushes to some random act of kindness you show him. However, if you still want the destructive blond ex-bartender you expected, you may call customer service and will be happy to make an exchange.
Problem: None of the answers in your FAQs actually solve anything! My HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit is still out of control!
Solution: See Disclaimer/Legal Issues section.
End notes
Even with all his destructive flaws and tendencies to lay waste to your neighbourhood, you will find that your HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit is a wonderful lifetime companion that both increases your chances of lung cancer and shortens your lifespan by about twenty years with each public property damage bill he brings home. But he's a good person at heart and you will enjoy all the laughs and tears he brings along. But there will be more tears.
Disclaimer/Legal Issues
We do not hold any responsibility, nor will we take any for any damage/mental scarring etc this HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit causes. From the moment of purchase, he is YOUR responsibility. Do not send us a bill. We will not entertain anything.
I'm kinda tempted to make one for Izaya, but this alone took me like two hours...I'm too tired to even review-whore anymore! I'm sorry if this was lame or anything...but I really want to see what you people think of it.