Uhhhhh. Hey, uh, guys! Been a while- *runs away from oncoming lions in fear, dropping this chappie by accident* I'M SO SOOOORRRYYYYYYYY *devoured by said lions*

Anyway, silliness aside, welcome to chapter 3!~ I will have another chapter out by Sunday, and if it isn't at least a story chapter, it will be a silly side story or something. Also, I totally forgot where this story was going, so bear with me as I find out with you! This story is not abandoned, nor will it ever be.

~Yin

3. Computers are for Assholes

Shawn blinked as his dad stepped out of his truck. "Dad? What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to pick up someone," Henry stated, and walked toward the pizza parlor.

Something clicked in Shawn's head.

"His name wouldn't happen to be 'Ed', would it?" he asked tentatively. Now Henry blinked. "Yes how did you know?" Henry asked, confused. Ed seemed like a rather esoteric person to him. It was hard to imagine Ed mentioning him.

"He said he was staying with a friend of a friend." Shawn glanced at Gus. While his dad's favorite pastime was ruining his life and embarrassing him, his dad was still smart. "By the way, we're gonna borrow him."

"Uh, no, we're not." Gus smiled, elbowing Shawn. "I don't know Ed, and until I do he is not coming near her."

Henry watched this exchange curiously. "What have you two gotten yourself into now?" he asked.

"Nothing," Shawn quickly replied, but in a way that would make most people guilty for asking such a question. Unfortunately, Henry isn't most people.

"Yeah, listen: you had better tell me what's going on, because I'm gonna find out anyway," he said, his voice getting lower until it was just above a loud whisper.

"Uhmm, is dis a bad time?"

Henry and Shawn's heads whipped around to see Ed standing there, fidgeting at being in such an awkward atmosphere.

"Ah, Ed," Henry said at last. "This is my son, Shawn and his best friend Gus."

Edward's reaction was nothing short of comical. His eyes opened wide and his jaw lowered slightly, and his left eyebrow began to twitch. But somewhere, deep beyond the darkest part of his mind where unicorns ate zombies, he knew it all along. "No vay, dis Dummkopf?" he glanced back and forth between the two, before an object in the corner of his eye coughed awkwardly, reminding the others of his presence.

"Well, now Ed knows who we are, tell us about yourself Ed?" Gus said with his usual charming smile, causing Ed's lower eyelid to twitch involuntarily.

"In t'e middle of t'e parking lot? Vith a pizza?"

And that was how the Awkward Quartet ended up in Henry's living room, munching on the deliciousness of the Hawaiian style pizza.

Ed had to admit, it was pretty damn delicious.

"So, Ed," Shawn said, starting off the interrogation in disguise. "Where in Germany are you from."

Can't hurt to tell the truth, Ed thought. Well, kinda. "A small rural village called Risembool. It's not on any maps. I came to America to learn more." More like because of that damn Truth.

"You must be terribly homesick," Gus responded in a very earnest manner, his eyes blinking sympathetically. The blonde's eyes darkened slightly and became incredibly sad.

"Ja, I do," he replied quietly, missing not only Risembool, but Central, and Dublith, and Amestris as a whole and everyone he came to befriend.

Shawn's eyes narrowed speculatively as he watched this, sensing there was more to this than what meets the eye. An Idea popped into his head.

"Hey Ed, you should come hang out with us at the Psych office sometime!" Shawn said happily as Henry inwardly groaned.

"Office?" Ed inquired. "Un office for vhat?"

"I'm a Psychic Detective!"

"No such t'ing as 'psychics'. Completely unscientific." Ed sharp response came to Shawn's ridiculous claims. Psychics? Pfft! Bullshit.

"If I weren't psychic, how would I know that," Shawn's eyes quickly swooped over Ed before something caught his eye. "You're into mechanics and machinery." Shawn inwardly smirked at the fact he had notices the small oil stain on his shirt and the smell of machinery he had noticed on Ed earlier.

What he didn't expect was for Ed's eyes to narrow dangerously, and Shawn realized he may have hit a sore spot with that one, but also that he was right.

"How t'e hell did you know dat," Ed demanded. Then his eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Vhat else do you know?" The intensity was back full force in those golden orbs and his voice had plunged perilously, which would've caused certain men to piss themselves. But it was also tinted with fear and was that.. guilt?

But Shawn showed no outward signs of fear, just repentance. "Whoa man, chill. And I'm a psychic, remember? And information only comes when the spirits allow me to know it." Inwardly, Shawn's mind was on hyper drive. What caused him to react like that? He was acting like a cornered animal.

Edward interrupted his thoughts as he stood up. "I need to find a library."

Shawn jumped at the opportunity. "I'll take you."

Gus and Henry both stared at Shawn. "Shawn," asked Gus slowly. "Do you even know where the library is?"

Shawn smiled brightly. "Not a clue. Gus you drive."

"What, you think I'd let you drive even if you knew where it was?"

"Touché"

Edward slammed his palm (non metal, of course) into his forehead.

What did I get myself into?

"Achoo!"

"God bless you."

"Ghrmp."

"Carlton, be nice."

"It's not like he can understand you anyway."

Juliet leveled Lassiter with a stern glare. "Be. Nice."

Lassiter threw his hands up. "Fine, fine."

Alphonse watched this exchange with amusement. It was like being back at HQ with Ed. He frowned. Where was Ed anyway? Something rotten was cooking in the state of Drachma.

"Um…" He looked at Lassiter and Juliet. Lassiter coughed.

"Um, guten Tag." Lassiter said, trying to establish a way of communicating with the foreign boy. Alphonse raised an eyebrow.

So formal… He thought. Wait. Their language sounds like Cretan. Alphonse could've hit himself. When Ed had been researching Xingese ways of getting their bodies back, Alphonse had read some books about alchemy from Creta. He wished he recalled more of the language.

"Hello?" Alphonse said cautiously, trying to say it as he remembered it. Juliet and Lassiter's eyes widened comically.

"You speak English?" asked Juliet slowly.

Alphonse froze. English? That must be their name for Cretan! He smiled and held his index finger and thumb close to each other as a sign for a little.

"English word book, danke?" Alphonse asked. What was their word for it?

"Dictionary?" inquired Jules. She and Lassiter were on the edge of their seats. They were having a break through!

Alphonse gave a lung wracking cough. "Ja." Lassiter jumped up to get him his Oxford English Dictionary, but then changed his mind and grabbed his German to English Dictionary that had been a gift from Buzz at Buzz's first Christmas at the station

***Flashback***

"Um…"

Lassiter turned around to see their newest recruit, Buzz. They had never spoken, and Buzz seemed to be intimidated of him. Lassiter smiled a small smile, as if to say, Yes, I am terrifying, but stay on my good side and we won't have a problem.

Buzz coughed nervously and held out a wrapped present. Lassiter blinked in surprised joy as he opened it. Then he blinked in surprise again.

"I thought, well, maybe this could help…" Buzz trailed off.

In Lassiter's hands was a German to English Dictionary. His eyes narrowed.

"First off, I speak English. Secondly, I'm Irish."

Buzz squeaked and ran off.

***End Flashback***

Juliet looked worriedly at Alphonse. Who knows what illness he has? Juliet leaned closer to the boy and placed her cool hand on his burning forehead. He smiled.

Just like Mom.

"You have a fever," Juliet frowned worriedly. Alphonse looked at her blankly.

"Hot," she corrected. Alphonse sighed. Then his stomach grumbled. His eyes widened with joy.

"Food!" He said happily in German. Then he said it in English. Juliet nodded and went to make Alphonse some soup.

I get to eat! I get to eat! I get to eat! I'm hungry! I'm tired! I'm sick! I'm so happy! He put his hands to his grinning face. I'm smiling! Yay!

Lassiter came back into the room with the dictionary to see Alphonse smiling like a child on Christmas. His brow furrowed in confusion as he handed the teen the dictionary. His golden eyes widened with even more happiness as he flipped through it. He turned to a page and stopped.

"Thank you."

Winry sighed. She was lying down in a bed, and there was not a single wrench in sight.

Not even a screwdriver!

How did those two live!

Well, she was grateful to Gus and Shawn. But seriously, they needed a LOT more machinery. She was bored out of her mind! She looked at the bookshelf in the bedroom. She grabbed a random book off of it. She flipped through the pages. She was right, she thought with a smile.

Cretan. She was pretty good at Cretan. After all, Creta was the most advanced country in machinery and automail. How could anyone expect her to know so much about automail without knowing the Language of Machines? She looked at the cover of the book and her face light up with delight.

Gears. The cover had gears. Leviation.

Well, Scott Westerfeld, you are my new best friend.

And she read.

Edward stared blankly at the computer. His eyes narrowed. I've faced near immortal beings, stopped "god", and survived automail surgery without screaming. I can figure this out.

He couldn't figure it out.

Dangit! Winry was the technological one! Not me!

"Uhh, you might wanna turn it on, buddy." Shawn's voice filtered through the mental anger, gentle and sarcastic. Ed turned to him angrily.

"Ve did not haf t'ings like dis, okay? Risembool is a small village, okay? AND WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORT?" Ed was hurriedly shushed by a passing librarian.

Shawn blinked at him and threw his hands up. "Woaaah there. No one mentioned your height, dude. And here, let me help— let Gus help you." Gus rolled his eyes and walked over to Ed.

"Here, okay, this is the power button—" Shawn tuned out the lesson Gus was giving Ed and sat down at a computer a little ways away from the two.

Risembool, hmm? He typed it in on Google Maps. Let's see how your story checks out, he glanced at Ed, shortie. Ed's eyebrow twitched mysteriously. Shawn clicked search.

Nothing

Did I spell it wrong? "Riiiiizeeeemboooool.." he sounded out quietly, trying various spellings of the word.

Nothing.

"Ahh, t'ank you. I t'ink I got it now." Ed's voice called Shawn's attention away from the screen, and he quickly exited out of the window.

"Really? That was fast."

"Yeah I got t'at dis shitty contraption isn't worth learning!" Ed growled and glared at the innocent Dell desktop. The computer gained momentary sentience in that moment, and had Ed not glared at it, it would have been the start of a robot rebellion. Millions would have perished in the fires. Luckily Ed's killer gaze scared the poor computer back to its previous state.

Life is just weird sometimes.

"Aww, come on Ed—" Ed turned his glare to Gus, effectively cutting him off.

"No. I am good at book research. I don't need your shitty computers! Winry is good at technology, not me!" Shawn raised an eyebrow at the clearer speech. Kid learns fast.

"Hey Ed, if you didn't have a computer back home, how did you apply for school here?" Ed froze and gave Shawn a nervous smile.

"Vell, mail is still a t'ing, isn't it? Hahahaaa.." Ed trailed off, scratching the back of his neck and avoiding their eyes.

"Oh and what school did you apply for again? Wouldn't they be worried about not hearing from you since you entered the country." Ed froze again, biting his lip and looking down at the floor.

"Uhm, it vas not a school. It vas an apprenticeship."

"Oh? We should contact him then." Ed gritted his teeth. Every goddamn time he came up with an excuse.

"Die Lehrer. Izumi is a woman. And I seem to haf lost her contact info. I am sure I will remember it sooner or later." Ed smiled brightly at Shawn. Got you now, you smug piece of shi—

"Wait, Ed? Did you say Winry?" Ed turned to Gus with a confused look on his face.

"Ja but I do not t'ink you would know her.."

"Blonde, tall, blue eyes, wears a jumpsuit and carries a wrench—" Ed's face turned white. "Yeah okay sounds like you know her—"

"Vhere ist she?" Once more, the look of intensity took Gus and Shawn aback.

"Uh, at our office. Would you like us to—"

"Take me to her."

Juliet rubbed Alphonse's back gently and held back his hair as he threw up into a trash can. "Shhh, shhh. You okay, Al?" Alphonse smiled weakly at her.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I think I ate too much for the first time in… hehehe ow my stomach." Juliet's forehead creased with worry. For the first time in…? Oh this poor child..

"I'll get you some water, okay Alphonse? Be right back." Alphonse smiled at her as she stood to leave and nodded. He smiled so much. Oh it feels so good to express emotion! Even.. the less happy kind.. he rubbed his tummy and grimaced. And then he smiled again.

"Oh Ed, if you could see me now. I hope you're okay, brother.."

END CHAPTER.

I want to really thank all of you who have been reviewing and PMing me (hello alchemyfreak42! Special shout out to you!). I love all of you so much and I appreciate every last review. I will do better in the future (probably. If I haven't finished this fic by the time I am 30, well, we already knew I was an asshole.).

As a special treat, I wrote you guys a silly omake. Hope you like! (I actually wrote it three years ago. It's stupid. I'm sorry.)

OMAKE 1: In which Ed is clearly not a 90's kid

Ed flopped onto the bed and lied down on the pillow, hitting something hard. He pulled it out and screamed.

"AHHHHHHHHHHGGGG!"

Henry grabbed his gun sprinted up the stairs and into Shawn's room.

"What happened?" Henry asked, holding the gun out as he slammed open the door with his shoulder.

"Vhat.. the hell.. IST DIS T'ING?"

"Ed, that's a Furby."

Ed stared at the… thing in horror. Henry raised an eyebrow and put the gun back in his holster. "Can… can we get rid of it?"

Henry walked over and picked up the disgusting toy that by no means should have ever been sold for children. "Shawn loved this thing once upon a time… Well, ten years ago. Only twenty year old with a Furby.." He smiled fondly at it before chucking into the waste bin. "Oh well. That thing isn't natural."

Ed sighed in relief and grabbed the waste bin to take it out. "T'ank you, Henry."

"Yeah no prob, kid. Just.. maybe don't scream like that if there isn't an emergency next time."

"..Ja."

"I can't believe we have to ask my father for help on this case."

"Maybe one day you'll be a good enough detective to solve a case without him or your fake psychic powers." Gus shot a glare at Shawn. Ouch. He clearly hadn't forgiven him for the toner incident.

Shawn rolled his eyes and opened up the glove compartment to grab a snack sized bag of Doritos.

"No. Not in my car. Absolutely not."

"But Guuuuuus—" Shawn whined, poised to open the bag that contained the snack food of the Gods.

"No. Anyway, we're here." Gus parked outside Henry's house and Shawn begrudgingly got out of the car.

"These would have been so much more delicious in the Blueberry. Hey wait, Blueberry flavored Doritos! Wait no, that's gross—What the—" Shawn walked out to the trashcans sitting on the curb. On the very top of one, sat his old beloved Furby. "Who would do this?"

Gus walked over to Shawn and stared at the wretched thing. "Probably an angel. Dear god, Shawn, put it back."

"No way! This was my Furby! I cannot believe Dad would throw this out. It's okay, little Furb', oh buddy of mine! I'll protect you."

Edward snuggled deeper into his comforter. Today had been a good day. Earned some money at the pizzeria, learnt some more about this crazy new world, and had a nice dinner with Henry after he got home from work. Yes, today had been a good day—wait what is that creepy thing sitting on the dresser? Edward closed his eyes and smiled, ignoring it. A good day, and now a good night's slee-

"FEEEEEEED MEEEEEEE."

Ed's scream could be heard for miles.