DISCLAIMER: For the last time, I own none of this. Except for Ralph. Ralph is mine. None of you can have her.

Chapter 22

Happy Subconscious

My feet make muffled thumps on the carpeted hallway as I dash towards the elevators.

Bloody hell. Bloody Hell. What have I done Ralph?

You tell me.

I screwed up, didn't I? I really really screwed up, didn't I?

Very much.

Now what?

How about you find him first?

Right. Right.

I pause in front of the elevator buttons. Up or down?

Down, Lily, down. Didn't he say he needed air?

I knew that.

I jam the down button several times, secretly hoping that the more I push it, the faster it will come.

It's not so secret.

What did I say about listening to my thoughts, Ralph?

How can I just not listen to your thoughts when I EXIST in your thoughts?

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

I run out the front doors of the hotel and into the rain, dodging worried glances from the people around me.

They must think I'm crazy.

They don't think, they know.

Would it kill you for once to just NOT TALK?

I don't talk. I think. There is a difference.

You know what I mean!

I'm trying to lighten then mood.

Well don't.

He went left, Lily, not right.

What?

He went the other way.

I turn my head to the opposite direction from where I'm going to see that a very wet James is in fact stalking in the opposite direction, head down, hands in his pockets.

How did you know that?

I had a feeling.

So I see you're not totally useless Ralph.

I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you say that.

I sprint back the way I came from, but not fast enough apparently, because I've lost him.

Bugger. Where'd he go? Is he actually that fast?

I push my soaking hair out of my face, blinking rainwater out of my eyes.

I stop in my tracks, and quickly scan the thin crowd around me. Most people are hunched down underneath umbrellas, walking quickly to get where they're going and to get out of the rain.

In the alleyway, in the alleyway.

You're like my personal map, Ralph.

I peek into the alley beside the hotel, and sure enough, there he is sitting on the cold asphalt with his back to the wall and his head in his arms.

Oh no. No. No. No. What now?

Are you actually that stupid. Talk to him!

Well what do I say?

You'll know.

But-

Hurry Lily. Every second that you waste he grows more and more distant from you.

I walk forward to where he's sitting.

"James. James?" I kneel down beside him.

He raises his head. "What-" he starts but I don't let him finish.

"I'm really, really sorry." I start in a rush, "I had no idea. It's just that for the past six years, I felt that that you were only after me because I was the only thing you couldn't have, and that you wouldn't feel satisfied until you had me as well, and I didn't really ever think about it because I didn't feel anything for you and you were arrogant and cocky and everything that I wanted nothing to do with and-"

"Lily." He cuts me off, and thankfully, his voice has lost the anger and frustration it held before. But he sounds extremely tired, as if he's just ran for three days without any sleep. "When was I ever with any other girl that you think I just wanted to feel that I had everything?" He says not unkindly, but with none of the warmth that he's had for the past couple of months.

I rack my brains, thinking. Let's see…

You were asking for it you know. Walked right into a trap, that's what you did.

Shut it for a minute. AHA!

"Lena McAvoy." I say after a moment's pause, "You were very openly snogging her last year in the common room."

His brow furrows, thinking. Then he shakes his head. "That was a dare. Sirius was tired of me moping around about you so he said the only reason I was obsessed was because I'd never been with any other girls. Then he dared me to snog her. And you know the rest." He finishes with a shrug.

"And?"

"And nothing. I felt nothing."

Awwwww, he does love me…

This is all my fault. If only I'd noticed him earlier, we wouldn't be in this situation. We could be happily frolicking in green fields and catching up on snogging and-

Focus Lily, focus.

Right.

"But," he continues, "You know something? I've been thinking. You're right to feel that way. I shouldn't have treated you like property, or done all those things to boys who showed any interest in, or insisted that you had feelings for me when you really didn't. I was wrong to assume that you could just accept me. So…let's just put this all behind us, alright?"

What?

WHAT IS HE SUGGESTING?!

He takes a deep breath. "Let's just be friends. It's better that way." He sounds a little more hopeful, but his eyes are still sad; pained.

AFTER ALL OF THIS HE WANTS TO BE JUST FRIENDS?

"I can't promise that I'll get over you, or fall out of love, but I can promise that I won't let my feeling get in the way. But some things just aren't meant to be, right?"

NO, IT IS MOST DEFINITALEY MEANT TO BE.

Well, first of all, he's convinced that you don't love him. Why don't you start by telling him how you feel?

I WILL NOT STAND THERE AND BE HIS FRIEND WHEN ALL I WANT IS TO PIN HIM AGAINST THE WALL AND SNOG HIM SENSELESS AND MARRY HIM AND HAVE HIS NEAR-SIGHTED CHILDREN AND-

"Lily?" He's still waiting for my answer.

"No." I say quietly, and looking at the my hands on my lap, curl them into fists.

He stiffens. "Well then. I sup-" He makes a move to stand up, but I catch his arm and pull back down.

"Wait. That's not what I meant." I don't look at him. I'm afraid of what I'll see if I do.

"Then what is it?" his voice is soft and dejected. He sounds like he wants nothing more than to run far, far away, somewhere where he'll never see me again.

This is the part where I tell him that I'm madly in love, isn't it?

It most definitely is. So exciting!

Here goes nothing.

I take a deep breath. "I don't want to be just your friend James. I can't be just your friend, because I don't have friendly feelings towards you. You think that I don't have feelings for you and that we're not meant to be. But that's where you're wrong. I do. I really, really do. I have for so much longer that I knew. I've honestly begun to doubt if I've ever really hated you, because I don't think it's possible to go from hating someone to having to physically strain myself from jumping you and snogging you senseless and that's why I can't be just your friend because friends don't feel that way about each other, they're not supposed to want to do inappropriate things or have each other's children or-"

"YEAH PRONGSIE! GET THE GIRL!" A very familiar voice shouts from above us.

I look up and realize that our hotel room window was facing the alleyway, and that Sirius was probably watching us the whole time.

I'd been leaning close to him, and my long wet hair was shielding his face so the idiot Marauder probably thought there was more than meets the eye.

Sirius is hanging out the window, rain pouring on him as he waves his arms in excitement.

Suddenly, an arm yanks him back inside. "Sirius, you can't peek on people when they're having a private conversation." Remus voice drifts to us from above.

"But-" his protest is cut off as Remus slams the window shut.

"So." I look down again to see that James is looking at me. His face is serious, but there is a spark in his eyes that wasn't there before. "You were saying?"

"Um."

SAY IT. SAY IT. SAY IT AND MAKE ME A HAPPY CONSIENCE.

"I love you." I whisper. I look down as I say it, afraid to see what his reaction might be.

"I know that it's probably too late and you've given up on me," I start, playing with the frayed hem of my jeans, "But I just thought you deserved to know."

Silence.

Why isn't he saying anything? WHY ISN'T HE SAYING ANYTHING RALPH?

Patience, grasshopper.

No. No. No. I sniff a little to myself.

His hand catches my chin, lifting it so I'm forced to look him in the eye. "Hey," he whispers, his hazel eyes burning, "It's never to late. And I'd never give up on you. Never in a million years." He leans in close silently dragging his lips across my jaw, leaving a trail of fire behind.

I shiver.

When his mouth reaches my ear, he whispers, "I love you too." His hot breath tickles my earlobe.

My heart soars on the inside. DID YOU HEAR THAT RALPH? HE SAYS HE LOVES ME.

Are those fireworks I see?

His other hand tangles itself into my wet hair before coming to a rest at the back of my neck. Without another word, he leans his head to the side and takes my lips between his.

An explosion of warmth hits me while a beam of momentary sunlight lights up behind my closed eyelids, making me feel like I'm in paradise.

Well. I kind of am in paradise. Screw that fact that it's raining like there's buckets and buckets being poured over our heads. It just makes it more romantic, doesn't it?

I gasp, opening my lips a little, and he takes the opportunity to deepen the kiss.

My arms wound their way around his neck on their own accord, and my fingers play with the soft, deliciously messy locks decorating his scalp.

His breath hitches and he moves his hands to his cheek and my waist, pulling me so close that there is physically no more room between us.

So this is really what love feels like, eh Ralph?

Certainly.

Well don't you sound happy.

I am very happy.

James pulls away a little, catching his breath, and I can't help but feel a little disappointed.

I pout.

He laughs, wrapping his arms even tighter around me, if that's even possible.

"I wasn't done with you." I complain.

He leans his forehead against mine. "All in good time, love. You don't want me to suffocate, do you?"

"Only if it means that I'm kissing you." He laughs again, a deep, throaty chuckle before I grab his face and pull his lips to mine again.

He lets out a soft moan and seems delighted by my actions, but pulls away again all too soon, pulling me across his lap and burying his face into my neck.

"So what was it you said about wanting to have my children?"

"Err," I squeak, turning a furious red. "Heat of the moment, you know? I had no idea what I was saying. Didn't mean it. Just forget it happened." I say quickly.

He hums, kissing where my neck meets my shoulder. "Of course." His lips travel their way up my neck and he kisses the corner of my mouth. "But," he breaths, "If you were to mean it, you know what I would say?"

"What?" I whisper, closing my eyes.

I can feel him smile against my skin. "I would say that I would be delighted to put Potter as the name of Lily Evans's children."

I giggle, and he kisses my forehead once before laying his cheek on top of my head.

I happen to look up at the grey sky for a moment, and give a double take.

The sky isn't grey anymore. Well, one part isn't.

Two golden animals, much like patronesses, gallop across the empty air before meeting in what it clearly and embrace.

A doe and a stag. The doe has strange green eyes, and as if she can read my thoughts, she turns her head and gives me a look, part haughty, part kindness.

I have a feeling I know who that is.

Ralph?

Hello again, Lily.

If the doe could smile, she just did, before going back to her stag mate.

Got what you wanted?

Yes. Now stop distracting me. I'm busy.

Of course you are.

"Lily?" James asks.

"Mmmmm?"

"Aren't you cold?"

"Not as long as I have you." I say quietly. And it's true. It's like there is a fire everywhere where our bodies touch. I can't possibly be old.

"That was cheesy, Lils."

"I know."

"Lils?" He says again a moment later.

"Yeah?"

"What are you thinking about?"

I smile into his neck. "I didn't think it was possible to be so madly in love."

A pause, and then he pulls me in for another kiss, long and sweet.

"I love you too Lily, more than you'll ever know."

I smile against his mouth, because for the first time in my life, I think I'm truly happy. I'm not worrying about classes, or Petunia and my parents, or even the war that is coming.

Love fixes everything, doesn't it? Or, at least, puts a damper on it.

Ralph?

Yesssss?

Thank you.

And even though I can't see her, I can feel her smile. Because after all, she is my subconscious.

A/N: Waaaaaaaaah! I honestly can't believe this is over. It's been my baby of a sort for the past couple of years, and I have to thank all of you for reading, commenting, following, loving, etc. You guys kept me going. I really hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Ta-ta, dear readers, and for the last time, tell me what you think!