Hey! So I'm back, and I wrote this crackfic in reply to a challenge from Half-HeartedShadow to write a fic explaining why Armstrong sparkles. After lots of studying of ancient history books I unearthed from my portal to Amestris, I found this true story that explains it all… or maybe I just made it all up. Either way, enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of its characters, objects, or catchphrases… not even the sparkles. Credit for the promt goes to Half-HeartedShadow.

The Sparkles: A Somewhat True History

Edward sighed and looked out of the train window at the landscape rushing past. Scar he just broken his automail, so he was heading back to Resimbool to get repairs under the watchful eye of Major Armstrong, who wouldn't stop telling Ed long, boring stories about his family's great achievements. Finally, Armstrong left for a few moments, so Ed had some time to think. He had briefly considered escaping, but Armstrong would just catch him and lecture him for ages, and he had just visited Al, who was in the back of the train with luggage, so all he could do was wait for the Major to return.

Armstrong re-entered the compartment, holding a brown bag. "I though you might be hungry so I brought you some food," he said, sparkling as usual.

Ed looked at Armstrong for a second and then, before he could stop himself, voiced a question that he had always wondered about. "Why exactly do you sparkle?"

As soon as Ed asked, he wished he could take his question back, worried it would make Armstrong mad. Armstrong, though, seemed happy instead of mad at the query.

"Why, it's a wonderful story that has been passed down the Armstrong family line for generations!" He said, aglow and sparkling once again.

At those words, Edward immediately zoned out, having learned from experience anything passed down the Armstrong family line for generations was not worth hearing about. However, the Major would not let Edward escape the story so easily, and proceeded to almost shout it at Ed, who was not yet skilled enough to block it out completely, and had to resign himself to listening to the story.

"Many years ago, the Armstrong family was, just as it still is today, an illustrious family, defending Amestris from harm and disaster. But one day, a terrible attack occurred in Central, one even the great Armstrong family couldn't prevent." Armstrong took a breath, and when Edward looked up, he saw his face covered in tears.

"The-the citizens of Central were being plagued by an evil alchemist, one who enjoyed torturing them more than anything else."

"What did the bastard do to the people?" Ed asked Armstrong angrily. He hated people who used alchemy to hurt others, and sincerely wished that could have been there at the time and kicked the alchemist's ass.

"He… He…" Armstrong seemed overwhelmed for a moment, before continuing in a whisper, "He would make things, like houses and stores and people, sparkle. And no-one knew what to do, how to get rid of them or how to stop it!"

Ed stared at Armstrong in disbelief. That was his great torture? He thought. It was more like a prank!

Armstrong, seeing Ed's face and but misunderstanding the cause, said "Yes, I know, it was terrible, a terrible time in Central history, a dark spot that people still shudder about at night. But do not fear, Edward Elric! This story has a happy ending!

"A member of the Armstrong family was called at once to investigate. His name was Louis Armstrong. I have the honor of being named after him!"

"Woopty-freaking-doo," said Ed sarcastically, turning his face back towards the window.

Armstrong, though, didn't hear Ed's comment and continued on with his story.

"Louis Armstrong was stumped at first, but he was determined to end the cruel attacks. He staked out a grand mansion that was the alchemist's next target. He waited for many nights, and then, on one dark night, he spotted someone moving across the grounds. Louis attacked the person, who tried to fight back but was soon defeated by my family's beautiful alchemy!" Armstrong broke off to gaze dreamily into the distance, flex his muscles, and sparkle. Ed looked up in the hope that Armstrong was done, but he continued speaking.

"This person captured by Louis Armstrong was the alchemist responsible for the sparkling. He was arrested, but Louis Armstrong, intrigued by why the man would make everything sparkly, went to go see him in jail. When he asked him why he committed his acts of crime, the alchemist answered, 'I wanted everything to be beautiful and to sparkle magnificently!' Louis Armstrong at once saw that this man was a deranged lunatic, trying to perfect the world with sparkles!" Armstrong broke off to add in a little laugh at the craziness of the idea.

"Louis Armstrong tried to escape, but before he could get out of the cell, the alchemist managed to draw a transmutation circle and transmute him, making him sparkle!" Armstrong paused, waiting for some sort of reaction from Ed, who just stared at him mutely, wondering how this story could possibly be even remotely true.

Armstrong spoke louder, hoping that more volume would get more of a reaction from Edward. "Louis Armstrong managed to subdue the alchemist using my family's magnificent alchemy, but the damage was done. He now sparkled whenever he was happy or sad or simply amazing!" Armstrong demonstrated by sparkling himself before continuing, "He was distraught at first of course, especially when he discovered that the sparkles were contagious, but only to magnificent people like my family, who all began sparkling. Soon, though, the Armstrong family embraced the fact that they sparkled, and they became renowned for the sparkling, which marked them apart from the common person. When they had children, they discovered that they too could sparkle, but that their sparkles were not contagious. In this way, the Armstrong sparkling legacy was born! And that, my dear Edward Elric, is how I sparkle!" Armstrong finished his story with a flourish and waited for Edward's shocked reaction.

Ed stared at Armstrong before fishing into the bag and taking out food. Wow, what a stupid story. It can't be true, he thought. But then Edward caught sight of Armstrong's gaze and wondered, or can it?

Little did Edward know that that very question would keep him up for many nights, or that just about everyone in Central Headquarters were haunted by the same question.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUN! Why do you think Mustang looks so tired lately?

Thank you so much for reading this story, and I hope you enjoyed it! Please review, even if you didn't like it. I don't mind flames, as long as they are your true opinion I'd gladly accept them. Any review will help me improve so PLEASE just push the little button and write a quick review! For every review, I'll give Al a kitty! ALPHONSE NEEDS KITTIES!