Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

A/N I'm stuck in a bit of writers block at the moment, so i apologise if this is not a great chap, its an inbetweeny chapter and ill update when i can get back into the flow of the story. Many thanks x

Silent tears rolled from my sore eyes down my cheeks, falling to my arms that rest crossed over my chest. I stared blankly out of the window in mine and Carlisle's bedroom. The silhouette of the forest trees melting into the night sky. The rain had eased off enough that I could now see the warm glow of the town's lights. The town unaware of the loss of the most loved bar and café owners. I heard the faint sound of footsteps coming up the stairs, padding along the laminate flooring. The room became slightly illuminated as the door opened, and closed quickly so only a small slither of light was able to pass through into my sanctuary. I could feel his eyes on me then the security of his grip as his arms wrapped themselves tightly around my waist. I pulled the drapes with him still holding on.

Carlisle hugged me tightly. I rested some of my weight on him as we stood in the almost darkness. I held his arms around me, resting the back of my head on his chest, I closed my eyes. I listened to his breathing. Counting his breaths. His heartbeat rattled through my body, synchronised with mine every thump sending me into a hypnotic trance, the same feeling I had when I first saw him. I inhaled as his head moved to my neck nuzzling then resting. He was tired, but yet so awake, and I knew it because I felt the same. I know it was so much worse for him than me. He'd seen them take their last…My trail of thought broke as Carlisle turned my body to face him, resting his hands on my lower back, pressing his forehead against mine. I felt him frown and inhale, then slowly exhale as I held the back of his neck. our eyes were closed. Lost in the moment. Forgetting the world for a split second, forgetting they were gone. He moved silently, his lips brushed against mine, before his pushed harder, pulling me closer. Leaving no space between us, sending a thousand bolts of electricity through my body, every small touch shocked my core, soothing the numbing like warming yourself when you've been playing in the snow. His skin against mine, each touch awakening me from the trance of losing my best friends, helping me know I wasn't alone and that he felt exactly as I did. Knowing he too feared for the small children that knew nothing as they slept. Small droplets of warm water splashed onto my camisole top and my shoulder. I broke away from his kiss. He looked hurt. I raised a hand to his stubbled cheek and searched his eyes. They remained misted and glazed with tears, but behind his gaze upon me he was distant, his mind wondering, slight panic even. I stoked his cheek soothingly with my thumb, wiping away the tear tracks.

"Love?" my voice cracked, my eyes not breaking contact.

"Hmm" He grunted, still remaining distant.

"Carlisle" i pulled him towards our bed and we lay silent again. He didn't want to talk yet, he just wanted to grieve. He'd had to put a brave face on. Tears still fell silently from his eyes as me lay together. He took my hands in his and intertwined our legs. I felt his forehead settle against mine.

"Hey"

"Hi" my voice crackled back.

"Don't ever leave me" his muffled voice whispered."I don't know how I'd cope if I lost you"

"You won't" I whispered. We held each other for a moment before he became slightly distraught, tears streamed softly down his face as he struggled to get his words out.

"I should have….i should have done something…tried so much harder…they'd still be here…Jasper and Rose would still have their parents…its my fault." He trailed off shaking his head slightly but still ever so frantically. I cupped his face to stop him. he still continued to look anywhere but at me. My heart ached. The state he was in shocked me. I started to cry too. I held his face firmly in my palms so he couldn't move and pressed my head against his.

"You did everything you could Carlisle" I emphasised as he quietened but continued to shake his head. "Yes you did, you always do. You don't give up, you never have, im still here because you didn't give up when everyone else wanted to. You fight."

He sighed and raised his hand to me face. "What would I do with out you Esme Cullen…I can't help feeling like it though, love. I was in charge. They…died at my hands."

He sat up and leant over me. I ran my fingers through his tussled blonde hair, he still looked at me misty eyed and wiping away my stray tears then brushed stray hair from my face. He kissed the top of my head before pulling the covers over the both of us as he lay back down beside me. We lay entwined in silence, staring at the ceiling, hoping that now we were in each others arms, we could sleep.

I woke the following morning to find Carlisle gone. His side of the bed cool, he had been gone a while. I could hear Emmet's tiny feet charging down stairs as he shouted 'Go Go Power Rangers!' before his small shrieks that mimicked a laser gun. I got up from the bed, my head spinning and pounding. Muffled whispers echoed up through the hallway as I moved to our en suite. I walked to the sink and splashed water on my face standing up straight, I caught my reflection in the mirror. Black smudged rings surrounded my eyes. My hair knotted and messy. I grabbed some cotton wool and wiped away the black mascara smudges and pushed my hair back into a ponytail. Looking half decent I opened the cabinet and grabbed the pills from the shelf and chucked two into my mouth, swallowing them with some water I drank from the tap. I moved back to our bedroom grabbing a jumper of Carlisle's and chucked on some clean sweat pants and socks, before walking down the stairs. Carlisle stood at the door way with his back to me talking to someone. I sat on the stairs, just out of site and watched. Jazz and Rose stood by the strangers side looking worried. Carlisle bent down to their level and took them in his arms, hugging them tightly. They nuzzled into him.

"Be good ok guys…" He told them, his voice wavered slightly. "Mrs Greene needs to talk to you guys…and I know how grown up you are." He tussled Jazz's hair and placed a finger under Rose's chin.

"Bye Carlisle" They said in Harmony waving, Carlisle stood at the door for a moment waving, laughing as genuinely as he could. He shut the door and turned looking at the floor. I glanced into the living room to see all three of our children glued to the TV before I glanced back to Carlisle. Carlisle was now leant against the door. He'd been up for hours I guessed. He was showered and in jeans and a maroon sweater, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He was stood looking up to the ceiling, eyes closed. He slid down the door falling in a heap at the bottom. Curling up with his back against the door he rested his head on his arms that balance on his knees. I ran to him, kneeling in front of him.

"I feel sick" He moaned, slightly muffled.

"You can't do this to yourself Carlisle. You can't blame yourself." I pleaded worried. "Look at what you're doing to yourself"

He looked up to me pale. Exhausted. Nodding he took my hand. "I'm sorry."

"Stop saying you're sorry too, you dont need to apologise." I said sorrowfully. Alice ran out in her moss green dress and white tights.

"Mama you do my hair?" she held a brush and two scrunchies in her hand and smiled a toothy angelic grin.

Carlisle inhaled loudly, doing his best to smile and Alice plonked herself of the floor between us. She put out a little hand and touched his leg.

"Dada?" She asked concerned and I brushed her hair. "You ok?"

"Im fine baby…just tired…very tired" He replied leaning forward, sitting with his legs crossed and held her hand.

"You sleep then?" she retorted, proud of her answer. He smiled.

"All done sweetheart"

She turned to me smiling. "Thank you Mama"

I watched my daughter run back to her brothers and returned to my husband. He remained in his crossed leg position looking down of the floor, pulling a loose thread on his jumper.

"Take the boys out for the day love, go down to Charlie's, He's on his own, he needs a friend, let the kids play with Isabella. Do something to take you're mind of this."

"Im being so selfish Ez, you're grieving too."

"You're not Carlisle. People grieve in different ways, ive had to deal with a lot in my life, and im not being cold because I am truly upset…but I need to deal with it away from the kids. I need to be here for them. I need to be here for you." My eyes became teary.

He stood and pulled me up with him. Taking me into his arms he held me closely, firmly. He called the children.

"You guys going to see Uncle Charlie?" I said trying to sound upbeat. Emmet and Alice ran for their shoes and we placed their coats on them. Carlisle opened the door after grabbing his keys as Emmet jumped in the front, Alice in the back waiting for Carlilse to fasten their seat belts. Edward stayed hugging my leg. I lifted him up as Carlisle walked back over to me.

"I can stay." he said, teary.

"No. You go, you need to see Charlie." I smiled. He kissed me good-bye before getting into the car. The three of them waved as they disappeared down the drive.