A/N- Okay, hi people! This is a PARODY fic that my friend and I wrote in a yogurt shop. We alternated every other sentence or so, then I wrote the ending and edited and posted and stuff. This is DUMB and I'm sorry if you don't like it. The ending kind of explains it. Um, enjoy! (If you were wondering about the title, I asked my friend what we should call it, and that's what she said. :)
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I Have No Idea
The ever beautiful and wonderfully delicious Hermione Granger was locked in a tower. Draco was waiting below, flabbergasted by her gorgeous auburn curls.
Somewhere in China, Harry stubbed his toe. "Ow," he said.
Hermione got a strange sensation: "I think Harry hurt himself…"
Back to the story, Draco was looking at Hermione with longing in his eyes. "I wish I could have a tower like that."
Voldemort, standing nearby in the bushes, waved his wand and with a flash of lightning, another beautiful tower appeared next to Hermione's. "Ooo! Now I do have a tower!"
Hermione frowned. "Aren't you supposed to save me? I haven't read Hogwarts, a History in over a year."
"Oh, right Pookins. Sorry. Here- Savey Hermione!"
"Dude, that's not even a spell."
Back in China, Ginny lovingly handed her cursing husband a bandage for his swelling toe.
Back to the story: "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!" Draco shouted. Suddenly, he was wearing a purple and gold costume with poofy sleeves a plumed feather- hat thingy.
Hermione laughed. "And risk getting split ends? No way, Romeo!"
"Ooooookay then. I'll just come get you!" Draco, forgetting that he was a wizard and could easily levitate himself, began to throw himself at the tower, attempting to climb up.
Voldemort, however, had other ideas…. he was in the mood for frozen yogurt! He'd been getting cravings a lot lately… perhaps he was pregnant… Wait. He was an immortal- and immortals can't be pregnant.
Harry's son, Jimbo, looked up at him and said: "Daddy, was Voldemort an immortal?"
For the last effing time, back to the story! Hermione tapped her foot impatiently and threw her bald cap down at Draco. Wait- where did the bald cap come from? Plot hole!
"Oops! Let me just get that. Draco, could you throw my bald cap back up here?"
Draco looked at the bald cap. "So that explains Weasley's hair loss!"
"Are you going to give it back? And then save me? Our fans are getting bored!"
Draco smirked. "They're here for me, not you, Granger. Hello- I'm the one with screaming fan girls!" In the far distance, there was a faint cheer of girls yelling: "Tom Felton! Tom Felton! Tom Felton!"
Ignoring his fan's pleas, Draco conjured up a grappling hook. "Recently, I've developed a fetish for grappling hooks. They fascinate me!" He threw it with great force, but it caught a tree instead. "You know what? I'm not a bloody Gryffindor! I'm not cut out for these heroics!"
Harry popped out from nowhere (plot hole) and put both hands on his hips. His long red and gold cape flew out from behind him and rays of sunlight were protruding from all around his body. His normally messy hair was styled perfectly, his teeth were straight and bright white, and he had bought some of those foam abs. The heroic "ah- aaahhhh!" music played from nowhere.
"You may not be a hero, Draco- but I am!"
"Hi Harry!" Hermione waved from above. "Can I have my bald cap back- oh! What happened to your toe?"
Harry grumbled. "Stupid cabinets… hey! Where did you get Ron's bald cap?"
"It was in t-" She was interrupted by a loud jingle: Nobody's perfect! I gotta work it! Again and again till I get it right! Nobody's perfect!
"What is that?" Hermione asked.
Draco blushed, fumbling with his costume pocket. "Oh, that- that's just… my… cell phone. I'll just get that." He pulled out the bedazzled cell phone and turned around.
"Yeah… no, mom, I'm in the middle of something. No! I don't need that anymore… I solved my urinary issues! … ooo! Yeah, could you pack it in the little sandwich holder? Thank you… I really have to go. Bye."
Hermione's jaw had dropped slightly and Harry's left eye was twitching a bit.
"You know what? Ginny and Jimbo are waiting, so I'm just going to go and… yeah, bye." Harry left.
In a Pennsylvania yogurt shop, Voldemort was currently arguing with a cashier. "What do you mean? Look, miss, I only have to stamp two more little yogurt cups on my frequent customer card and I get a free yogurt. I want it now!"
"Mister, we don't accept this form of… currency." She fingered the galleon.
"What about this?" Voldemort handed her some homemade dollar bills, which was just a piece of green construction paper with Washington's face taped on it.
"Mister, this isn't real."
"Stupid Death Eaters said it was…" he muttered. "You know what? I'm sick of this. I'm taking my yogurt and leaving!" And he did.
Up in the tower, Hermione sighed. "Draco, I'm tired of your pathetic attempts to save me. I'm just going to take the stairs." And within seconds, she was out of the tower and standing next to Draco.
"You mean there were stairs this whole time?" Draco asked.
"Yeah."
Blink. Blink. Blink. "Well, here's your bald cap."
Somewhere in China, Harry got a phone call: "Mr. Potter, it's a code red. We've just received information telling us that Voldemort just stole a frozen yogurt!"
"I'm on it!" Harry ripped off his clothes, and was then embarrassed to realize he forgot to put on his hero costume underneath.
BACK TO THE STORY! "So…" Draco said. "Is this the part where we kiss?"
Hermione frowned. "Ew, no."
"But… we kiss, the sunset comes on, then the screen will fade to black, and the happy music plays. Then everyone gets up, leaves their popcorn on the ground, cracks their back, and complains about how it wasn't worth the fifteen- dollar ticket."
"They're charging fifteen dollars for this crap?"
"Apparently."
"Okay, CUT!" Ron yelled from his director's chair. "Where was this in the lines?"
Draco took off his plumed feather-hat thingy. "I'm talking a lunch break, Weasley. Who did you have write this script anyway- a house elf?"
Ron looked embarrassed. "No…"
Hermione removed her wig, revealing her real bushy hair. "All I can say is I can't wait for the sequel."
"C'mon, Granger, let's get some coffee." Draco linked arms with his girlfriend and they walked off the movie set.
Suddenly, Voldemort appeared on screen. "Wait- we were in a movie?"
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A/N- Thanks for reading the whole thing! Um, the person I wrote this with is potatofanaticwriter3. (Yes, we decided the names together. Mine USED to be potatocrazywriter4. But I'm really obsessed with potatoes. She stole my idea. ~Sticks tongue out at her because I know she'll be reading this eventually.)
Anyway, we might write a sequel and it will be posted on her profile. Or on mine if she can't post it on hers. So look out for that… and REVIEW! PLEASE! I want to forward her the reviews, she's never gotten any before because she REFUSES TO POST ANYTHING and I want to show her how awesome reviews are.
Yeah, thanks. REVIEW!
~Potato and Friend