The Return of the King
(At the soggy ruins of Isengard…)
Saruman (standing at the top of his fearsome black tower, about a mile in the air, but still somehow managing to be heard down below): You may have won the battle, but you have lost the war, Gandalf! You will never best me!
Gandalf (dressed in neon green Bermudas): Oh, great! Trust the narrator to yank you away from your well-deserved mojito just when you were about to take a well-deserved sip… And to continuously recycle well-worn clichés… (To Saruman) All right, you old git. Come down here and tell us Sauron's plans and we will consider not killing you.
Saruman: Never! I will die before you can take me alive! (Hurls Palantir at Gandalf, but misses horribly, managing to hit Pippin instead, who careens into the water.)
Pippin (resurfacing and rubbing his head): Oww… Hey look! A shiny ball of doom! It's awfully preeety…
Gandalf: Give me that! (Snatched Palanir away.) All right everyone. We got what we came for. Let's leave this fetid place. The humidity here is not conducive to the frizz-free nature of my long, silvery locks.
Théoden: Halt! Art thou saying we art not to deal out most severe punishment onto yon evil wizard for his heinous crimes?
Gandalf (already turning his horse away): It's being taken care of…
Grima (stabbing Saruman repeatedly): That's for not paying my wages! That's for treating me like a worthless whelp! And that's for not letting me use your organic conditioner! (The Companions watch with a mixture of horror and bedazzlement as Saruman falls a mile and skewers himself on grisly spikes.)
Gandalf (happy for once): Don't you just love plot devices?
(Meanwhile… On the gravity-defying steps of Cirith Ungol…)
Frodo (appearing and disappearing):Ring goes on…Rings goes off…Rings goes on…Ring goes off… Oh, Sam! This is sooo great!
Sam: Erm, Mr Frodo… Didn't Gandalf warn you never to put the Ring on lest the forces of evil be drawn to you?
Frodo (invisible): Pfft! No, he didn't. This is an abridged script. We don't have time for all those useless details. And quit lecturing me! You're making me look bad in front of Sméagol…
Sméagol (sliding up beside Frodo): Yeah, fat hobbit! Master deserves better friendses than you! You shoulds leave. We has no uses for you!
Frodo (thoughtfully): Yes… Now that I think about, Sméagol is right. Thus far you have served no real purpose in this story. You should leave…
Sam (tears welling up in his eyes): B-but, Mister Frodo… Y-you can't mean that…
Frodo (eyes glowing maliciously): Oh, but I think I do… Be gone, you worthless tool!
Sam (falling on his face in despair and pounding the ground with his fists): NOOOOOOOOO! Mister Frodo! I cannot LIVE without you! You are the bright star that shines on the murky horizon of my dreams, guiding me to a better life! You cannot deny that we have something special and that it would be a colossal error to give it up and…
Frodo: Silence, mortal! I have no more use for your pathetic grovelling and homoerotic boot-licking. Sméagol here is my new BFF, and you can do nothing about it! Muahahaha! (Turns away with a dramatic cloak-swirl to the sound of Sam's echoing wail crescendoing off the sombre rock faces.)
(Meanwhile… Back in Edoras once more…)
Pippin: Argh! No! The horror! Make it stop! Make it stop!
Gandalf: You witless Took! (Back-hands Pippin across the face, making him drop the Palantir.) I told you not to touch that!
Pippin: B-but it was ever so shiny… And it showed me…images…
Gandalf (suddenly interested): Yes? What did you see?
Pippin: Well, I think I managed to catch Sauron getting ready for his bath. And let me tell you, it was not a pretty sight… (Shudders)
Gandalf: You worthless, peeping midget! Did you see anything useful?
Pippin: Erm… Define 'useful'…
Gandalf: Oh, never mind! (Grabs Pippin by the ear and begins dragging him out of the room.)
Pippin: Oww! Wait! Where are we going?
Gandalf: We are nearing the battle-heady climax of an epic fantasy story. Where do you think?
Pippin: To see the dragons?
Gandalf: No, you idiot. That was The Hobbit. We're going to the only conceivably important place left on the map that we haven't yet stumbled across even after almost a thousand pages of farcical adventuring. Though why I am taking you, of all people, I have no idea… (Pippin stares at him uncomprehendingly. Gandalf continues testily.) The place where the fate of the land will be decided in the biggest, most comically oversized battle the world ever seen, at the last bastion of freedom and hope, where the forces of righteous good take on the minions of bottomless evil, which can only be where?
Pippin: Umm… I flunked Geography… And I slept through Tolkien in English…
Gandalf: Why does that not surprise me…?
Aragorn: What do we do?
Gandalf: Why does everyone always expect me to hit them with wisdom? You are all a grown men! Figure it out! (Slams door angrily.)
(Confused silence on behalf of all the men. Then…)
Together: STAG NIGHT!
(Meanwhile, in the chilly and mirthless throne room of Gondor…)
Denethor: So let me get this straight… You're telling me that you abandoned Osgiliath to an Orcish scouting party who managed to overrun the city using an outdated, WWII-inspired amphibious landing technique?
Faramir: They also had Nazgûl… That was not part of our training…
Denethor: Spare me your feeble excuses, boy! Your brother could have held that city single-handedly, and you can't even hold it with an entire company of seasoned rangers and paladins?
Faramir (tears springing into his baby-blue eyes): It appears I have failed you yet again, father… I am sorry I cannot live up to your unrealistic expectations…
Denethor: Damn right you are! Now get me back that city! (Faramir stares at him in horror) What? You think taking back a city held by ruthless, bloodthirsty orcs is hard? Try passing a kidney stone! That's hard!
Faramir: But…
Denethor: Quit questioning me! In fact, you should be thanking me! This way your name might stand a chance at making its way into the annals of history, perhaps has a footnote to one of the many heroic accomplishments of your sadly-deceased brother. (Heaves a mighty sob) Now go. Leave me to my manly grief…
Faramir (to himself): Where is Social Services when you need them…?
(Meanwhile, at the top of the gravity-defying steps of Cirith Ungol…)
Frodo: Oh, the weight! I can't take it anymore… Oh, help me dear Sam! Sam?
Sméagol: Fat hobbit ain't here, Master. Yous sent him home, remember?
Frodo: I did? I can't remember… Everything is such a blur and the weight…Oh, the weight! It's unbearable…!
Gollum: Don'ts worry, Master… Its will all be over, very soons! In facts, it will all be over rights nows! (Shoves Frodo in a cobweb infested lair of putrid stench, cackling uncontrollably.)
Frodo: ARGH! It's sticky! Sméagol, what is this place? Sméagol? This is not funny! I have very acute arachnophobia!
Gollum: You'll sees! Mwehehehe!
Frodo: Smé– ARGH! (Frodo comes face-to-face with an oversized spider, no doubt the mutated result of escaped radiation from Mordor's attempts to build a WMD in secret using incompetent Orcish engineers. In a horribly anti-climatic moment, the bulbous bug pricks our hero, hopelessly paralysing him, and proceeds to encase him in…)
Sam: Oh, no you don't, you pesky bug! (Sam blasts the offending offal with Raid Super StrengthTM insect repellent, which shrinks back to its normal size and skitters away dejectedly. Our hero's saviour rushes forward excitedly.) Oh, look, Mister Frodo, see how convenient plot devices are! It seems I have appeared in the nick o' time to save you from fermenting alive in web-juice. Not that I intended to ever leave you again, you see, being your literary foil and all, but…
Frodo: Will you just shut up already? I have the worst migraine ever and your incessant babbling is not helping!
Sam (to himself): And here I was, hoping for some gratitude… Some people are just impossible to please!
Sméagol: Yeah, tell us about it…
Gollum: Hey!
(Meanwhile, in the besieged city of Gondor…)
Gandalf (standing on top of the battlements and shouting enthusiastically as arrows and rubble careen through the air): Yar! Onwards mateys! Use 'em cannons t' blast 'em t' smithereens!
Pippin: Um, Gandalf? This is LOTR… Not POTC…
Gandalf: Bah, the Generation Y obsession with reducing everything to bloody acronyms always had me confused me! Plus, Orlando Bloom's presence is not helping… (Stares accusatorily at Legolas as he proceeds to single-handedly take out an overgrown elephant with all its riders, while managing to defy the laws of gravity.) Wait… Where is the heir and the dwarf? And most importantly, where is that king of the Anglo-Saxon Cossacks with our reinforcements?
Pippin (shuffles his feet guiltily): Erm….
Gandalf: Spit it out.
Pippin: Well, after we left, the boys threw a massive party and got ridiculously drunk. I guess they're sleeping it off. Didn't you see the pictures on Facebook?
Gandalf (to himself): Now I understand why every fantasy cadre needs a Wise Old Wizard to watch over the heroes…
Pippin: Can't you just cast a powerful wizardly spell and turn all the Orcs into toads or something?
Gandalf: NO! Absolutely not!
Pippin: Why not?
Gandalf: Because that would be too easy. There are very strict rules about this type of thing and…
Pippin: Oh, I see… You can't do it…
Gandalf: What? That is a preposterous implication, I…
Pippin: Yeah, yeah. That's what they all say… That whole thing about being 'the most powerful wizard the world has ever seen'? That's just an act, and I can see right through it… I mean, when was the last time you so much as pulled a bunny out of your hat? Face it, Gandalf… You're too old.
Gandalf: Bah! Too old! I'll show you too old! (Blast the million-orc army off the face of the earth with a snap of his fingers.) Ha! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!
Pippin: Awesome! Now, if you could just do the same to the whole of Mordor, we'd be home free!
Gandalf: Not a chance.
Pippin: Why…?
Gandalf: That useless heir needs to start pulling his weight…
(Later, at the Black Gate of Mordor…)
Gandalf (shouting gleefully): Sauron! Come out, come out, wherever you are! Look, the Last King of Men is here to see you!
Aragorn (still very much hung-over): Eugh… Tell me again, why are we doing this…?
Gandalf (hissing impatiently): Because, we have to distract the All-Seeing Eye so that Frodo can destroy the Ring, assuming the highly improbable scenario he is in a fit state to do so. And who better for that than you? After all, it was your ancestor who took the Ring from Sauron, and I hear the Dark Lord bears grudges for a very long time…
Gimli: So…we're bait?
Legolas: 'Tis correct, Master Dwarf. I art overjoyed thou hast learnt to state the obvious.
Aragorn: I dunno… I'm not sure I…
Gandalf: Silence, fool! My plan is perfect! (Gates bursts open.) See? It's working already.
Théoden (as a massive army pours out the Gates): Did thy plan account for an unruly host of fearsome, mutant creatures?
Gandalf: Minor, insignificant detail…
(Meanwhile, in the belly of Mount Doom…)
Sam: Mr Frodo! This is it! Cast the Ring into the fire so we may be rid of its evil once and for all!
Frodo: No.
Sam: Wait. What?
Frodo: That's right, Sam. I have decided to keep the Ring. It's too precious to be destroyed…
Sam: But…
Frodo: …and with its power, I vill Rule Ze World! (Slips Ring on and becomes invisible to the crescendo of Wagner's Flight of the Valkeries to underscore the Nazi WWII parallel embedded in Tolkien's tome for the benefit of those readers who may have missed it.)
Gollum (zooming through the air out of nowhere): NO! Never! The Precious is ours! (Lands bodily on Frodo despite the fact that he is invisible and the two begin the Ultimate Battle for the Ring to Decide the Fate of Middle Earth.)
Sam (from the side-lines): That's right Mr Frodo! Stick him in the gullet! Show him who's the boss! Watch out! He's about to… Oh! That must've hurt!
Gollum (cackling gleefully): It's ours! The Precious is ours! This is the best days of our lives!
Frodo: No… This…is…SPARTA! (Kicks Gollum into lava, causing the Ring to be destroyed and the whole of Mordor to implode on itself.)
(Meanwhile, back at the Black Gate…)
Aragorn: Holy…! Did you guys all see that? Or am I more hung over than I think I am?
Legolas: Nay, my dubiously inebriated friend, thy eyes speak no lies. The unholy land of fetid evil doth in fact vanisheth off the face of this fair earth, no doubt prematurely expunging the lives of our vertically challenged companions. 'Tis truly a sorrowful day…
Sam: What are you talking about? We're right here. The Time-Warp saved us in the nick-o'-time!
Frodo: WHAT? We didn't die, despite all the odds? Now that is just cliché…
Gandalf: Tell me about it… And you have about three more faux-endings ahead of you before you can go and get treated for post-traumatic stress disorder…
Frodo: Being the hero sucks…
Legolas (forgetting his Shakespeare in a moment of rage): Hey, you think you have it bad? What about me? I get mobbed by fan girls wherever I go! I can't even buy a carton of milk without…
Gimli: Oh, shut yer hole. We all know ye secretly love it.
Legolas: Why you little…
Pippin: I say it's time to sit back and enjoy the show with a nice pipe of Old Toby's finest weed. What do you say Merry?
Merry: After a hard day's work saving the world, how can I say no?
Gandalf (meaningfully): And I think that just about sums it up…
THE END