A/N: HI! This is my first MR fanfic. Not my first fanfic, though. It's technically the third, not that Nutshell really counted, haha... This story will be updated around Sparkly Vamp (my main story at the moment) 's hectic updating schedule. You can expect new chapters by the next week, but if they come late... *shrugs* what do you expect? I've got 1,000 words of crackfic being dragged out every other day. Actually, almost every day, now that summers here. Speaking of that... hehehe.

Hey, this is my first non-parody! MWAHAHAHA!

Disclaimer: I do not own Maximum Ride. But give me a while :)

Losing Sleep: Chapter One: Of Mayonaisse, Coffee, and Small Pink Ducks

I feel very badass.

(sluuurp)

Currently, I am sitting at the counter of dr. Martinez's kitchen. Drinking coffee. Very, very, black coffee with about twice as much dark roast as Folger's calls for, because it suits me. Don't you think? And, I am so very badass, that it is currently ten o'clock at night, and I am chugging the juice of… ADHD. Yes, ADHD… or is it-

"Fang, why the hell are you still up?"

I did not even flinch. I am suave. The little drops on the ugly green countertop were there before I came.

"Iggy, why the hell are you bothering me?"

I turned and frowned at him. And then… what was he wearing? Iggy was standing in the kitchen, wearing nothing but boxers. The boxers in question were navy, with little pink ducks sewn all over them. The expression on his face betrayed no plausible emotion in this situation. He was smiling obliviously.

"Um, Iggy…?" I asked tentatively.

His mouth opened slightly. "Hm?"

"Nevermind." Best let sleeping ducks lie. (sluuurp) "Want some coffee?"

He frowned in my general direction and opened the refrigerator. "Hiding from the monsters under your bed now?"

I studied my fingernails. Is that a hangnail? "No. Why?" (sluuurp)

"Who ate all the mayonnaise? And if you don't sleep, the monsters won't hurt you, right?" thuds echoed from the refrigerator as he groped for the mayo.

"It's actually decaf. Why mayo?" I snuck a little sugar into my coffee. Sh. Don't tell Max, she'll never love me if I'm soft.

"Decaf? You pussy. You're an insult to the male gender. Mayo ignites well, if you care to know." I thought I heard glass breaking and covered my wince with disinterest. (sluuurp)

"You know, celery ignites well too."

Thee was a long pause before he replied. "Nobody likes celery. It's all stringy. And it's not natural to have negative calories."

Okay, time to end this. Leaving my cup on the counter (maybe it would piss Max off or something),I slid from the chair. Iggy kept fumbling around in the fridge and ignored my footsteps.

"I don't think there is any," I said, with the hope that he would go away.

"I'm not leaving until I find the mayo," he muttered.

"Okay, here it is." I reached in, grabbed a jar of horseradish, and shoved it in his hand. "Mm," he mumbled in thanks, and left the door open for me to close. As he turned to go, I called after him, "Hey… where'd you get your boxers?"

"Max gave them to me. Don't you like the ninjas?"

Oh. Haha, sucker.

I went up the stair and got into bed, fully clothed. Was thinking about things… girls and stuff, y'know, and my thoughts were blurring together like porridge with too much water. And then, next thing I know, I'm back in the kitchen, and there's something warm and wet in my hands. How'd I get back in the kitchen? The display on the microwave read 3:38. And what's that tinkling noise… I look down and, oh, well, crap.

It appears I may be pissing in Max's shoe. It's all soggy and yellow, and it really smells, and I'm dribbling urine down my arms.

This should be interesting.

A/N: So, there's chapter one for you. Hope you enjoyed it! Remember to subscribe so you don't miss the next chapter :)

AND PLEASE REVIEW! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!