I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Remember… if you kill me then the story will NEVER finish… *laughs nervously* Nothing belongs to me at all in real life (yeah, my daydreams have lots to say about that). Anyway…

Chapter four: And chaos reigned

Arthur just stared at the unfortunate warlock, mouth opening and closing. Absurdly, Merlin had to fight off the urge to giggle. Hysterics being the last thing he needed right at that moment, Merlin's natural defence mechanism kicked in.

"Um. What was that?"

Stepping forward to take a closer look, stumbling on his own feet and landing with his face in a muddy puddle took skill and effort; but, as always, it distracted Arthur and made an evil-sorcerer-Merlin seem ridiculously unlikely.

Didn't it?

"MerLIN." Arthur spoke exasperatedly, then stopped. "You're a sorcerer."

The man in question straightened onto jelly-like legs, and managed a sheepish grin. "Erm… yes?"

Arthur's mind was on fire. MERLIN, a sorcerer. Merlin, a SORCERER. MERLIN, A SORCERER. Take a deep breath now. Merlin. A. Sorcerer? And so it came to pass that Prince Arthur, legend and hero, the Once and Future King, fainted in a cold cobbled alleyway in Cardiff.

Lowering the prince down with another flash of gold, Merlin looked up at the Torchwood team, who were- inevitably- watching the skinny warlock with open mouths.

Ianto recovered quickly, heaving the unconscious weevil into a body bag and carrying it across the plass and onto the pavement-lift, ignoring the mildly horrified gasps that followed and the mildly amused Jack that followed the gasps- offering a thermos of tea around to "calm the bystanders' nerves".

Owen, after a stunned silence and an extremely quirked eyebrow, somehow managed to bundle Arthur up into a second body bag and drag it towards Ianto, mumbling and cursing about image-obsessed-heavy-bodybuilder-princes.

Tosh ran after Owen, because… well. Because it was Owen.

Which left Gwen, thoroughly tired of uncooperative Vinvocci and her subsequent missing-out-of-action, to coax Merlin back into the hub.

"Oh come on, I don't have all day! We don't bite, y'know? Well… my husband certainly doesn't agree with me there, but-"

"Where are you taking him?"

Surprised by the slightly hysterical tone of voice, Gwen took a demi-step back.

"Just back to the hub- you can come too…"

And without a word, Merlin ran after the grumbling medic, shouting Arthur's name at the top of his voice.

Owen massaged his temples and looked at Jack exasperatedly.

"I can't wake him up! I've tried everything: adrenaline shot, caffeine shot, drums, claps, slaps…"

Somehow tuning Owen's rant out of his head, Jack frowned. Arthur should have woken up- he'd only fainted after all. No disease, no poison- he'd just fainted. And concussion wasn't even an option, because Merlin had magically lowered him to the floor.

The door burst open and Jack was forced back into the world, to hear Owen's rant finish with "EVEN BON JOVI!". Shaking his head, he turned to Merlin.

"You don't know any wakeup spells, do you? We can't seem to bring him back to the land of the conscious…"

Staring at Jack with amazement and a hint of amusement, Merlin skipped over to Arthur and positively bellowed, causing Owen and Jack to clamp hands to ears, and Tosh and Gwen to come running.

"WAKE UP YOU PRATTISH CLOTPOLE OF A PRIN…"

"Oh shut UP MerLIN." Arthur groaned and rubbed his head, before shooting out of the bed and freaking out when he saw an IV drip still attached to his hand.

"Ugh… why is that thing in my hand?" The question was asked in a detached, bored way. Merlin peered over to the source of Arthur's troubles and promptly started to freak out.

Amidst the yells and gesticulating skinny pale arms, Owen leaned over and tore the butterfly out of the prince's hand. Who had one hell of a glare, as the young medic was learning.

"That. Hurt."

Owen held up his hands and started a usual tirade of grumbling which went something along the lines of "…he wants it out of 'is hand, I pull it out, he complains, maybe I'll put it back in…" All in all, Ianto thought, it sounded like some obscure version of the hokey kokey.

"What was that thing in my hand? Are you a sorcerer trying to put a spell on me? Is Merlin in on this too?"

Another death glare.

Owen cracked.

"It's getting old, your highness. He's a sorcerer," a fling of a pale skinny arm in Merlin's direction, "She's a sorcerer;" another fling, this time at Gwen, "They're all sorcerer's and trying to kill me!" Both hands flew out, one managing to slap Jack across the face. In his rant, Owen didn't notice. Jack raised an eyebrow at Ianto. Ianto snorted into a handkerchief.

"It's not all about you! Maybe Merlin's right and you are a clotpole! …Though I've no idea what a clotpole is…"

The last part was a soft, introspective mutter, but Jack still caught it.

"Means blockhead in Elizabethan slang. But according to Urban Dictionary…" a suggestive wiggle of the eyebrows followed "It means idiot dic…uh…penis. Head."

Tilting his head, Ianto smiled. "Never calling anyone a dickhead again."

"Yes, anyway!" Owen continued his rant, "Merlin just saved your life, and we're trying our damndest to send you back to daddy Uther, so just enough with the accusations!" Spinning round to go and sulk in the medical bay, Owen realised with a growl that everyone was standing round his autopsy table.

"Gah! Everyone get out of here or I'm going to crack!"

Jack, Ianto and Tosh; who had seen Owen crack under domestic (as opposed to work related) pressure before during an incident with a cracked floral tea cup and instant decaf coffee a couple of years ago; fled from his sanctuary.

Gwen, whilst having seen crack under work related stress (he had, after all, killed Jack a couple of months ago); had no idea that he was capable to blow up under such mundane (for Torchwood) circumstances.

Merlin had no intention of leaving Arthur.

Arthur had no intention of leaving Merli… had no intention of leaving without answers.

Snap.

Maybe it had been Gwen, shifting a foot and accidentally stepping onto a discarded plastic tube which clearly had a medical use, even if Gwen had no idea what it did.

Maybe it had been Owen's entire head- brain cracking left and right hemisphere thoroughly apart, mind shattering in the process.

Whichever event had happened (Merlin was inclined to believe the latter), the result was such that three hours later Owen was still in the medical bay, sulking and/or tidying up hundreds of pounds worth of broken medical equipment; while Merlin, Arthur and Gwen had adjourned to the conference room, the teacup-decaf-instant-coffee story being regaled by Jack and Ianto.

"…and then, he spilled it all over the alien cadaver! Which, it turned out, wasn't partial to decaf coffee either-"

"-It ended up dissolving off half of its skin! Owen wasn't pleased at all, but he just stood there in shock..."

"Exhaustion probably! Ianto hadn't given him caffeine all day-"

"Because he called me "the tea boy" again, Sir. Anyway, Owen eventually stumbled over to his supply of adrenaline shots. The aftermath of his rant-come-destructive rampage cost us thousands!"

Tosh smirked. "Cost the taxpayers thousands."

Staring at the Torchwood team-sans-Owen, Arthur managed a tight smile. His mind was a whirlwind and he wished that he could make sense of the story. Merlin seemed to understand what this "caffeine" thing was- probably due to long hours working with Gaius- and was in hysterics with the rest of them.

All Arthur caught was that the Torchwood team had access to the taxpayers' money. Thinking that his earlier suspicions had just been confirmed, Arthur struck.

"Hey! So you are royalty wherever we are! Is Jack the king? Why wouldn't you tell me? Are you an enemy of Camelot… my Lord?"

Sobering up, Jack regarded Arthur coolly.

"Aren't we allowed to have fun without you ruining it anymore? I'm not a king. And the only 'lord' I know is a Lord of time."

A warm breeze filled the air, permeated with a pulsating whooshing noise.

"Ah, here he is now."

Oops… didn't really mean to bring the Doctor into it… but now that he's there I s'pose he'll have to stick around for a bit! Looking over my earlier excuses I have to cringe… and vamp them up- I'm in the middle of my A Levels. Dang. This isn't abandoned (obviously) but I don't think my update rate is gonna improve. Sorry.

If anyone has an idea where the story's heading, PLEASE tell me, coz I've got no idea :/

Hope y'all enjoyed. Jemm.