Title: Life's Sweets and Spies
Author: St. Danger (captainjulieif on LiveJournal)
Posted On: June 10th, 2010
Characters/Pairing(s): Alex, K-Unit, The Australian, Yassen, Mrs. Starbright, Jack
Summary: Sitting in a cell, you'd think there wouldn't be much for Alex to do. But you'd think he'd be alone, not staring at his old unit... The universe - meaning MI6 and Scorpia - seem to be conspiring against him lately... Post Snakehead, not Crocodile Tears compliant as per request. For Spyfest 2010. Twoshot.
Genres: Humour, Action/Adventure, Drama, Angst
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I, alas, do not own the K-Unit, Alex Rider, Scorpia, MI6 (though that'd be kick-ass to own MI6...) Or anything that is supposed to belong to Anthony Horowitz, the Penguin Group, or the British government. No copyright infringement is intended.
Warnings: Language, Mild Violence, Snarkiness, Vague spoilers (nothing for Crocodile Tears)
Author's Notes: I really hope you all enjoy this fic, especially flight_tribe, who is the recipient for the fic! This is a twoshot fic. It will only have two chapters. TWO. There will be no third, no fourth. Two is the number of thy counting. XD Yay for vague and obscure references! Cookies to all who get it. I posted this in honor of the fact my last day of school is tomorrow.

Chapter One: Candyland and Cold Cells

Present Day

Jack's mother shooed Alex out of the living room and outside onto the porch, into the fresh summer air and out of the overcrowded house. One of the dogs, a small mutt with champagne-colored fur and black markings, scurried out with them before the door was shut, barking away at a squirrel and chasing after it.

Alex and Jack had taken a holiday to the States for her family's reunion, the whole lot of them converging together to stay at her cousin's admittedly large home. There was plenty of room, but having over twenty people in one place tended to make things a bit insane.

"Now, dearie, I know you're itching to go and explore the town and get away from us lunatic Americans. I'm going into town in about twenty minutes to pick up some food for dinner tonight, and I'll drop you off and let you explore! My only request is that you visit this lovely candy shop, and pick out enough sweets to satisfy us all."

At Alex's rather shocked look, she chuckled. "Oh don't worry, you can spend a few hours having fun, and I'll meet you at the candy shop at around 3:30. The family all chipped in – they're all starving for some sugary goodness, and you seem like a smart boy, so I'll let you pick everything out so long as it's under... I'd say $150, alrighty? Just make sure you get enough for everyone!"

"That sounds perfect-" Alex was cut off by a violent smacking noise, an outraged yell and a distinctive feminine cry of victory, and then collective laughter and yelling.

Jack's mother sighed and bustled inside, snatching the broom off the porch as she stomped inside. "JUST BECAUSE THIS ISN'T MY HOUSE DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T KICK YOUR BUTTS-"

Alex, finding it a wise idea to give Mrs. Starbright a wide berth when she was in such a motherly wrath and instead hear the tale at dinner that evening, walked off the porch and went around the back in order to slink into the kitchen (the action was in the living room) and grab the things he would need before going into town.

Warily, he stepped into the living room after obtaining his items. Jack was standing smugly over her cousin, who was twice her size and holding his arm, which she had most likely punched. Alex winced in sympathy for the man. Jack had a good arm when she got angry. Mrs. Starbright was scolding another cousin, who had apparently been encouraging the first cousin and had been reprimanded by Jack with a smack upside the head, based on the way he was clutching it.

"Now behave! Alex and I are going into town, and I don't want to hear of you two – or anyone for that matter–" she paused to glare at the rest of the family, who instantly shrank, "–getting into any fights. Pranks and mischief are fine and dandy but you better not cross the line, or I will toss you back over it and believe me it will not be pleasant!"

She surveyed them to make sure they all had perfect looks of obedience on their quite meek faces (all save for Jack, who was still smug as the cat who caught the canary). Once she was satisfied, she turned around to leave, spotting Alex as she did.

"Oh perfect, are you ready dear?"

He nodded, and she smiled.

"Oh good then! Let's go!" With that, she went to fetch her purse and left the broom in the living room.

Jack and Alex exchanged smirks.

"Bring me back chocolate," she mouthed. He gave her a charming grin and the two of them high-fived, before Mrs. Starbright re-entered.

"Off we go!" she said as she opened the front door, and Alex dutifully followed.

The teenaged spy strolled into the sweets shop with a barely smothered expression of child-like joy. The building was two stories, a virtual candyland of bright colors, upbeat and fun music, colorfully-dressed and cheerful workers, giddy kids, nostalgic adults, and gleeful teenagers.

Normally this would have had Alex cringing and fleeing for his sanity in the opposite direction, but today he was in a delighted mood and had no qualms about visiting this place.

"Can I help you find anything sweetie?" inquired a 20-something woman, her blonde hair pulled into a ponytail and an infectious smile on her face.

Alex smiled back, unable to help himself. "Yeah – do you guys have anything like ice cream or lemonade?"

She nodded. "Of course! In fact, our owner has been in an ice cream experimentation phase!" She giggled, thinking fondly of said owner's quirks. "She just came out with a new flavor last night, just head over to the back there, right next to the giant cow. You can't miss it!"

"Thank you," Alex said, and she waved before skipping off to help another customer.

She was right – he certainly couldn't have missed it if he tried. The giant cow was a massive stuffed animal, with typical black and white markings and a bell around its neck. It was life-size, and quite realistic, but not in a grotesque taxidermy way.

And there was the blessed ice cream lady! A woman with bright kiwi-green hair pulled into two ponytails on either side of her head, handing out cones and dishes of ice cream of all flavors.

"Call me Kiwi, everybody does! Now, what can I get a charming young boy like you?" she asked, all smiles and genuine cheer.

"What's the newest flavor?" he asked, glancing over the long list of creatively-named ice creams.

She clapped her hands in glee of her own genius. "Oh it's simply marvelous, I'm so happy I finally got the recipe right for it! I call it Exotic Summertime Splash! It's a mango and passion fruit flavoured ice cream with jackfruit swirls, pomegranate syrup to top it off, a few pieces of starfruit to garnish it, and a few bits of kiwi. It's simply delectable, hun, would you like a taste?"

"Yes, please!"

Kiwi smiled and cheerfully scooped him up a small serving into a plastic dish, complete with a miniature spoon. He tasted it, and actually found it to be quite good despite the number of different fruits. It wasn't super-sweet, and it was definitely a homemade item.

"This is really good! I'll have two scoops of it, please."

Kiwi obliged, praising the Brit for his excellent choice and asking him if he needed anything else.

"I'm all set, thanks. This is really great ice cream!"

Beaming with pride, she handed him the dish and spoon, winking at him as he spotted the extra scoop she had given him for his charm and politeness. He opened his mouth to thank her again but she just smiled and waved him off to enjoy it, turning to help a little girl in her quest for a delectable flavour.

Alex sat down on one of the benches. He ate in silence, enjoying the cheerful atmosphere and the delicious summertime treat. He read over the admittedly impressive menu of cold sweets, and decided he and Jack would have to come back here to try out more flavours.

When he was finished he began to wander the store, scribbling down on a little notepad anything that caught his eye, or he thought someone in the house would enjoy.

As he explored, he couldn't help but think that barely a week and a half ago, he had been on a mission for MI6, risking his life for a few computer chips. And now he was here in America, browsing through a massive sweets shop as though he was just a normal boy...

Ten Days Prior

Alex was sitting in a cold, musty, and plain cell. He was underground, in some sort of cellar, and half of the room was cut off with steel bars. The floor was made of smooth concrete, and the walls were made of stone. The cell was actually fairly large, a good three meters deep and four or five meters across. There were no windows and only one steel door out. The only source of light was the ceiling lights, bright enough to flood the entire room but still dim that he could sleep. A pile of worn blankets and pillows was in the north corner of the cell, and Alex himself was sitting right next to them.

Truth be told, he looked precisely like what he was right then – a captured spy. His fair hair was messy and had a little bit of dirt and blood in it, as did his skin. He was clad in a black long-sleeved shirt that had a small hood attached to it. He also had on a pair of black trousers, and a pair of black boots. The entire outfit reminded Alex of the ski suit he had once had, and like that, it was all made of very light Kelvar. It would stop a bullet from a distance and cushion some physical blows, all while allowing him to move freely, but at point blank range he would still be dead.

But the gadgets given to him by Smithers were gone, save for the clothes and his watch, either used or confiscated. The watch was used to transmit a distress signal and tell time.

Alex was very bitter right now. He had sent the distress signal to MI6 a good day and half ago. Half a day before he got into serious trouble, because MI6's track record at rescues were definitely not top notch. Still, he had expected them to get here by now. It's not like they had sent him to get some ice cream! They sent him to a dangerous place where he had a high risk of getting caught, tortured, and/or killed!

And Alex was not in the best of shape to be making any escape attempts, gadgets or not. His ribs hurt from being kicked, his arm was sore from having it wrenched behind his back, and he had a small gash on his jawline.

But Alex was interrupted when the door leading into the room was swung open. He leapt to his feet and stood tall and tense.

Six armed guards clothed in black were dragging four unconscious figures into the room. A seventh guard opened the door to Alex's cell and he watched with growing apprehension as the four humans were thrown unceremoniously to the floor.

Alex tried to see their faces, but they had been thrown on their stomachs. All of them were in night combat clothes, and despite being unconscious, they seemed to be alright.

But Alex had no time to try and wake them or make sure they weren't injured, because two of the guards walked in and grabbed him. At first he struggled, but he stopped when he saw just how useless it was. Sighing, he allowed himself to be dragged out of the room and down a bright white hallway. There was nothing to signify where the hell he was, save for that it was much too clean. The air tasted like chemicals and everything was unnaturally spick-and-span.

As they walked, (or in Alex's case, was dragged along) it suddenly occurred to Alex that those men were probably the back-up MI6 had sent. And it also occurred to Alex his chances of getting out alive were growing slimmer and slimmer.

He was roughly hauled to a room where one of the Scorpia executives was sitting, a pleasantly unpleasant smile on his Australian face.

"Alex Rider," he said cheerfully, and Alex noticed the absolute venom dripping within the false joy. The teen spy muffled a grunt as he was shoved forward, his arms pinned behind him.

"I think it's time you learned a lesson..."

Alex started swearing.

Wolf blinked furiously as he awoke, trying to get used to the lighting. Beside him, Fox, Snake, and Eagle were doing the same, sitting up slowly and groaning at the headaches they had gotten from being knocked over the head.

Wolf put a finger to his lips, signaling them to be quiet. They nodded, and all four them had just began to stand up when the door to the room swung open.

A teenaged boy with fair hair, dripping blood, was being dragged into the room. He was twisting and struggling so violently the K-Unit was unable to see him correctly. The door to the cell was swung open, the boy was twisted around, and one of the guards gave him a harsh kick to the chest. The boy slammed to the ground, the wind knocked out of him and writhing in obvious agony. A gallon container of water was thrown into the cell, and it was intentionally tossed to land on the boy's already injured chest. He yelped and rolled over on his side, the jug falling off.

"Maybe next time you'll learn to quit while you're behind," one of the guards snapped, and the K-Unit noticed a gash on his face and a definite high pitch to his voice.

"Next time maybe you'll learn to keep a better watch on who you're beating up." They could all hear the smirk in the boy's voice. The guard who had clearly been victim to violence from the boy yanked him off the ground by his throat with a growl.

Wordlessly, he threw the teenage spy into the bars and then slammed the cell door shut as fast as he could. To an observer, it might look as if he was scared of the boy, and that observer would be quite right.

The guards left, locking the doors and shutting them without so much as a glance to the prisoners.

The boy coughed as he struggled to get on his hands and knees, eyes shut with pain. The K-Unit was still a bit too drugged to get up and help him, and they watched as his managed to move himself to a sitting position, leaning against the bars. His arms were wrapped around his middle, and he was shuddering slightly with pain.

And as he lifted his head so they could see his face, they gave an audible gasp. Sharply, the boy named Alex Rider opened his eyes and truly looked them for the first time since he had been thrown into the cell.

"Cub?" the four men yelped, their shock breaking through their stupor.

Alex was equally as floored, his mouth dropping open and his eyes going wide. But he hastily recovered. "Long time no see."

His cell-mates were not amused.

"Alex, what the hell are you doing here?" Fox asked, his voice quieter than before.

"My job."

"And what might that be, at the moment?"

"If I knew, do you think I would be here?" he replied dryly.

"Man, you picked up a mouth since training!" Eagle commented, grinning a little.

Alex just shrugged, and winced at the pain.

"Alex?" Snake threw Fox a questioning glance, who smiled back cheekily.

"Remember that mission MI6 had me on a little while back?"

There were a few scoffs and snorts of confirmation.

"Well, turns out the high-ranking top priority agent I worked with..."

"Was Cub?" Eagle yelped, gaping at said spy, who looked surprised at hearing how Fox described him.

Fox nodded. "Yeah. Did a damn good job, too."

Alex averted his eyes, unused to such praise. It was different hearing it from Fox, who had taken a bullet for him, and Alan Blunt and Tulip Jones, who hadn't exactly made his life anything less than hell.

"How's your arm?" Alex asked quietly.

Fox shrugged, "Fine. Been back on duty for two weeks."

"That's good."

"They sure did a number on you, Cub," Snake commented, surveying Alex's injuries and clearly not happy with what he was finding.

Alex shrugged again and grimaced. He instinctively put his hand over his heart, his bullet wound throbbing slightly.

Eagle, who had eyes like his codename, noticed. "Maybe Snake should check you over, Cub."

Alex instantly stiffened at that. All four of the K-Unit noticed and exchanged glances.

"What's the matter?" Wolf inquired, looking at the boy suspiciously.

"I'm fine. I don't need anyone to check me over," the teenage spy said tightly.

Fox laughed. "I doubt that like hell. That throw into the bars was probably the nicest they were, am I right?"

Alex said nothing, but his silence was his answer. Snake stood up, a little unsteadily, and walked over to Alex and sat down next to him.

Brown eyes that didn't belong on such a young face connected with curious and watchful olive green ones. The eyes were a window, and Snake wasn't happy with what he was seeing. No teenager should have eyes like that.

They held their staring contest for at least two and a half full minutes in complete silence, until Wolf got fed up and interrupted.

"Cub, just let Snake take a look. He's a trained medic and you're of no use to anyone if you're unconscious or incapacitated."

Alex scowled, knowing Wolf was right. "I've had worse. It's just my shoulder, really."

"And your chest," Eagle added helpfully. Alex glared at the bronze-haired man, who matched it with a triumphant grin.

Snake crouched beside Alex. "Which shoulder?"

"Left."

Snake gently guided Alex so his back was no longer against the bars, and examined the shoulder carefully. Alex had to bite his lip from crying out in pain. He couldn't even move his shoulder on his own.

"It's dislocated. I'm going to have to set it, and it's gonna hurt like hell, but it's better to do it sooner than later."

"Just do it," Alex muttered, bracing himself.

Ten minutes later, the cell was filled with muttering and swearing. Alex's shoulder was set, and he had been relieved to find that the pain had practically vanished compared to what it had been before. However, it still hurt like hell, and Alex just kept swearing. The others, who had been subject to watching the teen writhing in pain and biting his already cut lip till it bled, as well as using all his willpower to not scream or cry out, were quiet.

"Don't use it anymore than you have to," Snake had told him, and Alex had no problem with this in the slightest. "What about your chest?" Eagle prodded, and Alex sent him a very fierce death glare.

"It's nothing. Just an old injury that sometimes bothers me when I get the shit kicked out of me," Alex snapped wearily.

All four members of the K-Unit opened their mouths to find out what he meant, but the steel door swung open again. The Australian stepped inside, backed up by several guards. His tan face held a very nasty smirk.

"Round two, Rider," he said, glancing at the K-Unit for a moment.

Alex didn't reply.

"Not quite as much of a smart mouth anymore, are you?"

"You're still just as idiotic as your predecessors."

"I like to think you are just some twerp who got very lucky playing games against adults who can kill you anytime they want."

Alex let out a short bark of a laugh. "Really?"

The Australian's smirk vanished like a flash of lightning. "I repeat. You got lucky," he said, his voice low.

"Three times?" Alex shot back, the grin on his face like a rascal's.

The Australian puled out a gun, held out his arm, and directed it a few inches away from Alex's heart. "Want to try for a fourth? I doubt you'll survive another bullet."

The K-Unit, who had been content with watching the verbal sparring match and thinking Cub was out of his mind, were suddenly rigid. One, a gun was out; two, it was pointed at Cub; and three, the Scorpia executive had said something of great interest.

Another bullet.

That implied that there had been one before. Which meant Cub, little not-even-15-years-old Cub, had been shot.

To say they were stunned is an understatement.

Alex's impish smirk faded into a frown. His body was rigid, his eyes were locked on the gun and the Australian, and his breathing was shallow.

"It seems I've hit a raw wound," the Australian's voice radiated dark amusement at the teenager's plight. "What's the matter, Alex? One sniper guns you down and now all of a sudden you're a paranoid."

Alex gritted his teeth, not daring to respond. He was in no hurry to repeat his previous near-death escapade. The Australian dropped his arm to his side, and Alex slackened very slightly in relief.

"I came here to see if you changed your mind about sharing information with me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think you have."

Alex shook his head.

"Then I guess it's time for round two."

A few of the guards surrounded Alex and grabbed him, and he struggled, sending a kick to one man's leg and a vicious punch to a second man's jaw. He dropped to the floor, dodging one punch and bringing his hands out in time to catch a guard's kick and send him twisting to the ground.

The fight was halted by a click.

Alex froze, recognizing the sound. He held up his hands in defeat, his eyes locked on the gun that was again being pointed at him.

"I'm warning you, Rider. Don't test my patience with you," the Australian spat angrily.

A guard knocked Alex over the head with a nightstick, sending him sprawling to the floor with a yell. The world flickered in and out for a few moments, the sheer force of the blow sending him unconscious.

Evil cliffhanger, yeah? Oh well! :) The second and final chapter is all set and ready to be posted, but I think I'll wait a few days or less. I want some reviews and all that. XD Anyhoo, my summer vacation is pretty much here, and I'm very excited for it! You all should be to - I have about a dozen or so fics in the works. Alrighty, hope you all enjoyed it, please review! Constructive criticism is always appreciates, flames will be used to toast marshmallows over the summer! :D

-Saint