Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor do I own any of the Harry Potter characters, no matter how badly I wish that I did!

100 THINGS I WILL NOT DO AT HOGWARTS

I will not say 'PUFF' every time I appartate

I will not take out a life insurance request on Harry Potter

Or Lord Voldemort

I will not send the Ghostbusters on Professor Binns

I will not suggest that Lucius Malfoy's cane is a 'Pimp Cane'

I will not ask 'Who died and made Harry Potter boss?'

Especially when he's in the room

I will not say in my graduation speech that Fred and George Weasley are my most admired person

Or Lord Voldemort

I will not refer to Professor McGonagall as 'Catwoman'

Especially if she is in the room

I will not create a betting pool on who will win: Harry Potter or Voldemort

I will not ask the Hufflepuffs if the will huff and puff and blow my house down

I will not sing 'We're off to see the wizard' when we're going to Dumbledore's office

I will not ask Harry how his parents are doing

I will not refer to Harry Potter and Ron Weasley as 'Batman and Robin'

I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they are pointless, seeing as the smartest person in the school isn't even in their house

I will not sell tickets to the Chamber of Secrets

I will not re-name this list as '100 THINGS TO DO AT HOGWARTS' and sell to the first years

I will not switch Draco Malfoy's broom with one from Filtch's broom cupboard

I will not sell t-shirts with the slogan 'HARRY POTTER: 6 LORD VOLDEMORT: 0'

There is not now, nor ever a fifth Hogwarts house

I am not in that house, nor am I the founder

I will not refer to the four houses as the 'Morons, Borons, Good and the Junior Death Eaters'

I will not try to sell the Sorting Hat

I will not paint the house elves blue and call them the smurfs

I will not have the house elves do my homework

The giant squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball

I will not refer to Hagrid as the 'Jolly Green Giant'

I will not hold a staring contest with Mad-Eye Moody

I will not point to the Quidditch players and scream 'It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a . . . kid on a broomstick?'

I will not dye Firenze pink and refer to him as 'My Little Pony'

I will not tell the first years that the Death Eaters are a cooking club

I will not tell the first years that Dumbledore's Santa Clauses brother

I will not refer to the Potions Dungeon as Ramses Kitchen

I will not call the threshals 'Winged Ponies'

I will not call Cornelius Fudge the Chocolate Man

Or Willy Wonka

Calling Voldemort 'Baldemort' is highly inappropriate

I will not draw a smiley face on my arm and refer to it as the 'New Dark Mark'

I will not draw the Dark Mark on my sleeping classmate's arm

I will not go to a Muggle Tattoo artist and ask for him to tattoo on the Dark Mark

I will not leave shampoo on Snape's desk before class

I will not use the grease from Snape's hair for cooking

I will not refer to the Accio spell as 'The Force'

During an invasion at Hogsmeade, I will not point to my wrist and yell 'To the Batmobile!'

I will not bring a Magic Eight ball to Professor Trewlawney's class for extra credit

Or fortune cookies

I will not tell first years to build a tree house in the Whomping Willow

I will not sing Phantom of the Opera tunes at the Death Eaters

I will not scream 'I've got the Power!' before casting a spell

I will not scream 'There can only be ONE!' whilst being attacked by Death Eaters

I will not refer to Proffessor Snape as Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles

I will not give Lupin a flee collar

I will not tell Voldemort to get a life

I will not pretend to be a gourmet chef in Potions class

I will not Tell the characters that they look like certain muggle actors

Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, 'Avada Kedavra' does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights

Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match

I will not braid Dumbledore's beard

Dumbledore's title is 'Headmaster', not 'My Liege'

A Time Turner is not a flux capacitor, and should not be installed in Muggle cars

I will stop saying that I am a secret Ninja sent here to protect Hogwarts

I will not scream 'Voldemort's Coming!' in the Great Hall

I will not perform 'A Mysterious Ticking Noise' in the Great Hall

I will not suggest 'Voldemort: A Musical' for the class play

I will not refer the Hungarian Horntail as Puff the Magic Dragon in Care of Magical Creatures

I will not suggest that we bring computers to Hogwarts

I will not install a satellite dish on the top of the Astronomy Tower

Or a cellular tower

I will not ask to put bows in Dumbledore's beard

I will not use Umbridge's quill to write 'I told you I'm good-looking'

I will not ask if Sirius's middle name is Lee

Greeting Professor McGonagall with 'What's up pussy cat?' is highly inappropriate

I will not refer to Umbridge as the 'wicked witch of the west'. Nor should I insulate that she will melt if I throw and or pour water over her

I will not wear my 'DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT' t-shirt to class

I will not lock the Slytherins & Gryffindors in a room together & take bets on who comes out alive

I will not do potions instructions in reverse to 'see what happens'

I will not yell 'THE BRITISH ARE COMING!' when being chased by Death Eaters

I will not run into the great hall yelling "Death Eaters, Death Eaters,
Death Eaters in the dungeons" when I am actually referring to the Slytherins

I will not refer to Draco Malfoy as 'Ferret Boy' no matter how funny it is

I will not replace the bludgers with house elves

It's a bad idea to tell Snape that he takes himself too seriously

I will not call Umbridge a toad

I will not ask Umbridge if a house ever fell on her sister

I will not ask that to Snape either

The song 'Ding, Dong the Witch is Dead' is never appropriate

I am no longer allowed to sing my "own personal spy music" when I wander around the hallways

I will not ask Dobby if he works for Santa Clause in his off season

I will not yell BURN when Snape takes house points away

I will not pretend that my wand is a lightstaber

I will not put a Muggle fairy book in the history section at Hogwarts

The Ravenclaws do not find it funny if you put a sign on the library saying 'WILL BE CLOSED FOR A CONIDERABLE AMOUNT OF TIME'

I will not put a silencing charm on the sorting hat

I will not dye the Death Eaters robes pink

I will stop saying that Seamus is 'After me Lucky Charms'

I will not Arithmancy teacher if she knows the square root of -1

I will not ask "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walk away

I will not patrol the halls using the Sword of Gryffindor

I am not the Defense Against Boring Classes professor