If you are obsessed with Mr. Crepsley and will want to do any thing to screw him please make your alsome life a lot easier and follow those instructions.

But first a word before we start. Here is a few sentences about Larten Crepsley to those people who are just reading this for fun.(You probably all are!)

Mr. Crepsley is a vampire, he is creepy( As his name suggests :] ) and a little scary he is also intelligent and cunning so be careful!

For those idiots who do not know a thing about his appearance I will only tell you this. Mr. Crepsle's hair is eider ginger or red, No one ever got close or stayed conscious long anoth to check. (Imagine, ginger pubes.. yww!)

His real name is Vur Horston and he is a few thousand years old, but surprisingly he looks thirty. He owns a big venomous spider named Madame Octa and controls her using a flute..

Mr. Crepsley sleeps in the day and comes out at night, he sometimes travels around with a freak show called Cirque de Freak. He sleeps in a coffin but when he is on the move he usually checks in at a hotel.

Anyway, if you want to get with him follow these instructions.

First. You shall need:

Hand cuffs or a rope. Both of which have to be rather strong.

A gas mask.

Silent clothing.

Classy pretty underwear.

A lot of time.(Make sure your parents are away or some thing.)

A weapon.

A fully functional brain.

A sexual attraction to ginger vampires.(By the way, he doesn't have fangs. But has very sharp nails to cut the skin.)

High tech tracking devices.

Special agent training.(Don't ask me what this means, I seriously don't know.)

Money

If you have all those things well done! Now on to the actual plan.

Locate Cirque de Freak or where ever Mr. Crepsley is.

Pinpoint the exact location.

Put on your clothes if you haven't yet.

Get all the equipment that you need.

Go to your kitchen

Have a red bull

Have a second red bull

Have a third red bull

After you have been to the toilet set off to Larten Crepsley's lair.

Make sure it is day otherwise he might be out hunting. Morning is the best time.

When you get there make sure there is no one there.

WARNING! Darren Shan (Larten's sexy assistant) might be there and so can be Evra and the other freaks.

If someone sees you, RUN!

Sneak into the caravan (or hotel room).

When you get in the room look around. If there is anyone there. RUN!

If he has Madame Octa in the room make sure that she is safely in her cage. If she isn't RUN!

Remove all the flutes you see in the room.

Remove any thing Larten can use as a weapon.

Lock all the doors and windows so no one caches you in the act, if they do, RUN!

If you find a coffin make sure Mr. Crepsley is in there. If he isn't RUN!

If you have done all those things silently, you should be watching Larten Crepsley sleeping right now.

If he isn't asleep RUN!

If you can try cuffing his hands do it now.

Put your gas mask on.

Get the weapon ready.

Count to three, and LAUNCH!

Throw yourself at the sleeping vampire.

If this is not Mr. Crepsley RUN!

Hold the freaked out Larten down and whisper some thing rely weird or freaky in his ear. e.g. 'I was once diagnosed with rabies when I was four, I got them from a penguin.'

He will freeze to think about what you just said. This gives you time to tie him up if you haven't yet.

When he is helpless take out the weapon and blackmail him until he swears on his life that he will listen to you.

If he doesn't say yes then keep him tied up and rape him in the most brutal way imaginable.

If he is a good little vampire and says yes kiss him.(Take the gasmask off first)

Explain to him what you want.

If you feel a prod in your stomach well done!

If you haven't try harder. Or better still, RUN!

Untie him.

Have sex.

RUN!

Get home seaftley.

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