Let's try this again... originally I had a very different idea of how this story would turn out that was just... bad. So I tried to change it, but that didn't jibe well with what I already wrote. So I delayed, and tried to ignore it and pretend it didn't exist. But that's not fair. It's not fair to you, whom I promised a story, and it's not fair to the many people who won't see this because they already wrote it off. Then I tried to salvage it, but it fell apart like dried dough that just won't stick together. I needed eggs. I found my eggs.

One sunny morning in Castle Bleck ('Sunny' here being used in a secondary definition, meaning a pleasant morning where everyone was in a bright mood) Count Bleck had an announcement.

He found his minions in the newly furnished lounge, which Count Bleck had recently conceded to give them. He was tired of the complaints that there was little room for recreation in their castle and thus it was boring; any rebuttals of the Counts reminding of the many wondrous activities that could be found all around the castle were met with loud groans and the now-standard "yeah, but..." So he'd granted them a game room with some amenities- a pool table and a television quickly became the centerpieces, though the television was a gift from the Cragnons and only got their surreal broadcasts. Also equipped was an unstocked cola bar (their cola privileges had been revoked recently, after a rowdy argument over whose dimensional exit was the coolest), an area rug that matched the walls so it looked as if you were trapped in some bizarre sideways dimension, and a video game console with no actual games. Modest, it was, but it made the minions happy for the time being.

O'Chunks had never played pool before but had taken to it quickly. He beat everyone who went up against him except Dimentio, who liked to move the balls around... with magic! They were both playing this sunny morning, while Mimi watched television and Mr. L attempted to hook up the console to see if it actually worked, when Count Bleck threw open the door dramatically and entered, head high, staff behind his back, flanked by Tippi and Nastasia.

"Good news, minions," said Count Bleck.

"Yes!" Mr. L pumped his fist. "Our cola privileges are back!"

"No." Count Bleck grinned playfully and tapped the jewel of the cane in Mr. L's direction. "Not until you've cleaned up the mess you made."

"Yeah, Mr. L," Mimi said.

"All of you," said Count Bleck.

"Me, too?"

"Yes, you!" Moving on, Count Bleck held up a manila envelope. "Do you know what this is, anyone?" he asked happily.

"Clearly, it's a Manila envelope," said Dimentio.

Count Bleck ignored him. "We've been given a gift. Widow Toadly was so grateful to us for clearing the Monty Moles out of her late husband's garden, she's given us permission to use her railway pass for a train trip on the famous Excess Express."

"Trains? Big deal," said Mimi. "Who needs trains when you can warp anywhere you want?"

Mr. L's jaw dropped. "You're kidding," he said. "You don't like trains?"

"No. Why wait a whole buncha hours to get from here to there when I can do it like, pop-pop-pop!" With each pop, Mimi made a fireworks motion with her hands. "Whoop-de-do. Big fat deal."

"Whaddaya mean, pop pop pop?"

"Ah, the unfortunate Mr. L," said Dimentio, hovering from the pool table to suspend himself above Mr. L's head. "Little does he know the joys of moving through the dimensional fabric as if it were the arched doorway of an aged but modestly pleasant turn-of-the-century manor, populated with a friendly house-staff on hand to freshen up your beverage, in-"

"Anyway," said Mr. L, ignoring Dimentio who was obviously no longer listening to himself anyway, "Trains date back hundreds of years, and are essential to understanding the formation of the Mushroom Kingdom, as well as other similar settings in other dimensions. Once cargo shipping and travel were made simple, you could settle in places that wouldn't be practical before. That's how the first Toad settlers came to Dry Dry Outpost. The raw power of the locomotive is amazing really- what they do is-"

"Blah, blah, blah, I'm not in school any more!" Mimi pulled her pigtails down over her hears.

"Why, Mr. L, I had no idea you were a railroad buff," said Count Bleck admiringly. "I myself found them fascinating, and quite exotic for someone raised in a castle in the woods. We ought to compare notes sometimes."

"And anyway," said Tippi, "The reason you go on a train like the Excess Express isn't to get somewhere."

"Oh, so it's pointless to everyone, then?" Mimi lifted one pigtail.

"No, Mimi. The reason people travel on the Excess Express is to take advantage of four days and three nights of high living, plush furniture, fine dining, and pampered living. The Excess Express caters to the famous and rich, you know. Even contemporary actor Zip Toad has taken a trip. Well, not actually, but he meant to, if he hadn't been kidnapped in replaced by a doppelganger."

"Duplighost," said Tippi.

"Duplighost." Count Bleck looked at her. "A duplighost is a doppelganger."

"No," she said, "It's a duplighost."

Count Bleck shook his head, and then held up the envelope again. "All right, who's coming with Bleck?"

"Ah, sounds like a frilly shimnabob, an' I don't want any part o' it," said O'Chunks. "Ey! Dimentio! We still playin' over here or what?"

"...with lacy doilies under the coasters, which under some circumstances would seem snobbish but when executed just right adds a nice touch of class to any room..."

"Yeah, so, I need a head count, then," said Nastasia. "Anyone who plans to go on this mandatory team-building retreat, raise your hand." She held up her hand to demonstrate.
O'Chunks raised his hand, too. "Mandatory, eh? Ah, what the 'eck."

"I'm in," said Mr. L.

"Me too me too me too!" said Mimi, who'd done a complete 180 in seven seconds flat. Her eyes had grown to the size of mill wheels at the first mention of high living. "What do I wear?"

"Well, it's a turn-of-the-century antique, immersed in it's own history... I'd say anything that comes with a petticoat."

"Want to go petticoat shopping, Nassy?"

Nastasia shrugged. "I think I can pencil you in for a lunch/shopping trip before we go."

Mr. L had sidled up behind Count Bleck and was looking over his shoulder at the tickets. "How'd you score such sweet passes?" he asked.

"You remember Widow Toadly, yes?"

"Yuh-huh?"

"Well," said Count Bleck, tucking the tickets into his cloak, "her late husband was a lifetime railway conductor. Upon his retirement he was given a lifetime pass for his dedicated years of service, entitling the couple to enjoy luxury trips for the rest of their golden years. After he passed, she couldn't bring herself to travel, and instead allowed others to enjoy the benefits of her husband's work. Now, as a rule, we don't take gratuities, but it made her so happy... and it is a lovely train, after all, and a shame to waste such fine passes..."

"You really are a railroad aficionado, aren't you?"

"Yes, admitted Count Bleck."

Their first sight of the Excess Express was up close, having teleported right into the plaza where the train departed from West Rogueport. All of them were there, of course, carrying a small assortment of luggage (except for Tippi, who couldn't carry it and didn't need it anyway.) It was breathtaking, to say the least. Polished steel, billowing smoke clouds, intricate decor... to attempt to explain the Excess Express to someone who had never seen it could never do it justice. It was even finer recently, having undergone extensive refurbishment to make it snazzier and more excessive than ever, to appeal to an ever-changing market demand and also to fit in with this story. Several pictures were taken by each of the Count's group, because this was not a moment to forget.

"Shall we climb aboard?" asked Count Bleck.

The conductor waved from the platform. "We're boarding now, so come on up!"

Count Bleck presented the pass and explained the situation- Widow Toadly had already called ahead and everything was approved and ready. "Wow, you did that for her?" the Conductor asked while making small talk. "She's such a nice lady, you know, to offer such a generous gift for such a trivial task. We love it when she comes down here to talk, but she just never takes trips anymore."

"Indeed," said Count Bleck. "Perhaps it's for the best. Comfort can be found in the home or on the road, but not for everyone. She seems happy these days, at least."

"That's true," said the Conductor, punching the ticket. "You'll be staying in the red car. You've got rooms three and four. Be careful with room four, it's haunted."

Count Bleck tipped his had, tipped the conductor, and gestured for the minions to board.
The car where they boarded was magnificent, done up in soft greens and wood finish. The carpet was plain, with a hint of sparkle reflecting the lights from the antique chandeliers and wall fixtures. There were tables with flowers and plants, pictures of old people when they were young, and wood-paneled walls to bring the most experienced carpenter to his knees in tears of joy, such a wondrous creation blessed unto his eyes.

"Oh, snap," said Mr. L.

"By me twinkled chin-hairs..."

"Golly..."

"Oh, goodness..."

Dimentio said, "Tch," and disappeared.

"Never mind him," said Count Bleck. "What do you think?"

"This is first class, right?" asked Mimi.

"Mimi, the entire train is first class."

"Ooooh." She nodded sagely.

"We're in the next car," said Count Bleck. He showed them the door to the next car and how you stepped outside to go between the cars. "See? Simple."

"So... like, are we stuck inside this one car while the train's moving?"

"No, you can cross between cars, with no problem."

Mimi squealed in objection.

"Don't worry, you'll get used to it. You'll be crossing like a pro by the end of the trip."
O'Chunks added helpfully, "Ah, an' if yeh can't bring yerself teh make the cross yerself, I'd be 'appy to 'elp a lass cross between the cars. I'll jes' pick ya up an' put ya down on me other side." He was answering Mimi, but looking at Nastasia when he said it. She just straightened her glasses and said nothing.

Count Bleck took them to the car they were staying in. It had three compartments, both of theirs being mirror images of each other with three beds bunked on a wall, a loveseat, a vanity with mirror, a fancy table, and of course a scenic window.

"I call this room," said Mr. L as soon as he saw it.

"There are seven of us and two rooms," said Count Bleck. "Nastasia, O'Chunks, Mr. L, Mimi, myself, and Timpani. We shall divide in this manner-"

Nastasia raised her hand in a dainty fashion. "Yeah, Count? You kinda left out Dimentio."

"With any luck, he's gone home."

"There's only six beds, though," said Mimi. "What if he comes back?"

"I'll be bunking with my wife," Count Bleck explained.

"But the beds are kind of small."

"So is my wife."

"Ooooh."

Count Bleck turned to Nastasia. "You'll be in my room," he said. "Minions, take the other room."

"What if Dimentio comes back?"

"Then, for goodness sake, don't let him bunk in our room," said Nastasia.

"You can have O'Chunks," said Mimi. "He farts in his sleep."

"Mimi!" Tippi scolded.

"Ach, it means I got a 'ealthy diet o' line-in cuts 'an boiled vegetables. Puts hair on the ol' chin."

"I don't like where this conversation is heading," said Mr. L.

"I think it would be best if we retired to our separate rooms to settle in," said Count Bleck. "Remember to be on your best behavior."

"Yes, Count."

Nastasia pulled her sensible blouses and pantalons out from her suitcase and switched them to the dresser drawer that had been designated hers. Count Bleck was testing the bed by sitting on it and shifting his weight, while Tippi watched them both.

"As an information pixl," Count Bleck asked out of nowhere, "Do you know who will be joining us on this trip?"

"I do," said Tippi. "And here they are:

Errol Herringway, on a research trip for his latest novel, about murders on a railway
Prince Haru of Fungusland, who happens to be Peach's ex-boyfriend
Anti-Guy, the most powerful of all Shy guys
Detective Pennington, returning to Poshly Heights
Larry, Iggy, and Wendy Koopa, who opted to take a trip here while their siblings went to the beach
The Ratooey Businessman, on another business trip.

And as for the regulars:
The Engineer, who loves his job and knows everything about the train
The Conductor, Clara T., who's saving money for college."
The Train chef, Chef Shimi. We're not so sure about this one...
The resident ghost, Ghost T, who haunts the place for no real reason.

Count Bleck applauded. "Impressive. You certainly know your way around a cast of characters."

I wonder what kind of story they will weave, he wondered poetically.