Chapter 6:

We had another battle simulation that morning, my barracks faced off against Barracks B (I think our barracks had a letter once, but we always call it the Bantha Room. Even Captain Gluvvar calls it that). Anyway, due to lack of sleep our team got trashed and was severely reprimanded by our commanding officers. We ate mess in silence, and were forced to practice for four hours straight until we improved. There are also rumors going around now that we'll shortly be relocating to Endor or something. I don't pay it much thought, personally, but I'm all packed and ready just in case.

The next day Odura sent me out into town for some supplies for the ships and troops. I was really glad to get this little break from training, and Goadee (the Rodian) came along without permission, but I was glad of the company. Before we scoured the marketplaces for the parts and supplies, Goadee suggested we relax at the Cantina a bit first. I thought this was a great idea, so that's what we did. We hadn't been there for more than five minutes when a rat-like little guy and his pet Gamorrean approached our table.

"Excuse me, gentlemen," he wheezed in a greasy falsetto while baring yellowed fangs. "But it has come to my attention that you seem to be... travelers, yes?"

"Aye, that we are," Goadee replied, putting on an accent to disguise his identity. "And who might you be?"

"I, stranger, am the much-acclaimed Zinnor the Finder, and with me is my ever-lugubrious bodyguard Shmek. We're a... welcoming committee, of sorts. You see, our job is to find new faces on Tatooine and give them a proper introduction to all of the wonders our desert world has to offer. Might I ask of you your names?"

"I be Governor Thlame of Targok, and this is me comrade Duke Hildermok of Wensleyfin. Although your offer seems most generous, I am afraid my colleague and I must decline. We won't be on this planet long, and need no tour guides at this time, thank you just the same."

The hooded rodent put up a hairy hand and said, "Just a minute. I know what you're thinking. 'I can't trust a perfect stranger on an unfamiliar world! He'll probably bludgeon and rob me when my back is turned.' Well dissuade those fears, for I am the most honorable Finder in all of Mos Eisley!"

"Well if ye say so... may I have a moment to discuss it with me counterpart here first?"

"Be my guest." The Rat sat at an adjacent table and watched us closely as we deliberated.

"We should get the snark out of here right now, man," I whispered urgently to Goadee. "This guy's bad news. I don't know why I let you talk me into these things."

"Aww, come on, you haven't even given him a chance! Just... humor me, all right?"

I begrudgingly consented, and followed Goadee to the table at which Zinnor was seated.

"Ah, I see you've come to a decision," grinned the Finder.

"Yes we have," agreed Goadee. "We'll take you up on your offer, Mr. Zinnor."

"Perfect," he looked over at his Gamorrean associate. "Just step this way..."

Without warning we were both hit from behind by the big green guy and knocked straight out.

We awoke some time later in a small room with scant light coming from under the single door and walls ceiling and floor all made out of bare stone. It was actually the pounding on the thick wooden door that roused us, then the voice from the other side.

"Here's your food for the day. Don't eat it all in one bite!" The voice was gruff, but the laughter that followed it was much harsher and more threatening. A tray of gruel slid under the space between the bottom of the door and the floor, stopping in a crack in the central area. The two of us slowly slid down onto our knees and began picking at it, our bellies rumbling with hunger. With hardly any visibility to speak of, the two of us had no idea what it was that we were stuffing into our mouths so greedily; only that it was meant to be food.

"Where in the whalebone are we?" Goadee asked.

"No clue," I replied. "Seems to be a dungeon-type place."

"Yeah, I sort of figured that out on my own. That piece of Bantha fodder Ranat must've had his Gamorrean knock us out and imprisoned by the highest bidder."

"Oh yeah, and who might that be? Also, why us?"

"My guess is Jabba. He's the one with all the credits in these parts. As for the reason, your hypothesis is as good as mine. Slave labor, perhaps? Failing that, maybe we could get duties to fly his ship, since we are pilots, and all."

"Sounds optimistic, but we can only hope for the best, right?"

"Yeah!"

We linked arms in a show of manly camaraderie and proceeded to fall to the floor as the drugs in our vittles took effect.

We awoke to the booming laughter of none other than Jabba the Hutt himself. He was seated (or was he lying?) on a flat stone dais smoking an aqua hookah and holding the chain connected to a pretty female (non-Hutt) that lay beside him. The two of us were revived by cold water that someone had dumped on us and restrained by our wrists and ankles with strong cord. The Hutt's eyes narrowed in amusement at the sight of us kneeling there before his throne of debauchery, and he drooled a little while laughing at us from his perch.

"Chowbaso," bellowed the slug-like crime lord. "Ah'chu apenkee?"

"H'chu apenkee, o' grandio lust," gulped Goadee. "Mee dunkee gunko."

(For the sake of moving the story along, and because I'm too lazy, the rest of the conversation in Huttese is translated into Basic for your convenience. You're welcome.)

"Yes, yes," said Jabba. "But again I ask who you are. Also, what business do you have in my town?"

"I'm afraid… mighty Jabba… that our business and identities must be kept secret."

"What? You refuse to comply? Perhaps some time in my torture chamber will soften your tongues! Guards!"

Needless to say, we were then led down a dark and twisted corridor to a door much like the one on our cell with a sign above it reading in twelve different languages 'Torture'. The two Gamorrean guards flung us into the room and closed and locked the heavy door behind us. The room inside was pitch black, and there was a strange creaking sound coming from the far end, almost like that of a rusty hinge being moved back and forth. We huddled together with our backs to the door, fearful of what might lay in wait in the dark…

"Two minutes!" grunted the Gamorrean outside Xeemo and Nez' dressing room door.

"Yeah, yeah," muttered Nez under her breath. She tugged up her pink-shaded stockings that were part of her dance costume for Jabba the Hutt and looked up at her Rodian friend. "You look really good tonight, so don't worry," she said.

"Sure, but I need to stay focused right now. You know we dance for our lives every night, right?"

"Stop being such a jittery Jorn-bug," Nez waved her off. "We always come up with a great show, don't we?"

Xeemo nodded and returned to putting on her costume. When they were both prepared for the show, the Gamorrean retrieved them and they marched dutifully toward the Hutt's audience chambers. Jabba, as was usual, lay stretched out on a stone slab at the far end of his audience chamber, a Twi'lek girl on a chain sprawled at his belly and his male Twi'lek aide Bib Fortuna hovered close by. The Hutt responded vocally when he saw the dancers and musicians enter, apparently roused from a relaxing nap. As soon as the music started, he calmed and his eyes became unfocused once more as he followed the song only half-listening while watching the scantily clad dancers weave in and out of each other on the floor. Jabba's tongue lolled out and drooled green sludge down his quadruple chin as he watched the sensual display of feminine sexuality with rapt attention. The last phase of the dance for Nez and Xeemo was a synchronized full-body twirl ending in a provocative embrace as the music cut off and the lights went out. Jabba's entire court erupted into applause and cheers, even Jabba himself seemed uncharacteristically enthusiastic about the performance. Sweating from the effort, but very relieved, the two dancing girls headed back to their shared quarters, satisfied in a job well done and ready for some late night rest.

Much to their mutual surprise, upon entering the room and activating the glow panel control, they saw me and Goadee asleep against the wall, huddled together. The guards who had locked us in here had obviously made a mistake, a fact we pointed out to the girls when they woke us.

"You two guys must be the luckiest sons of Mynocks I've ever met!" declared Nez. "If that guard had put you in the real dungeon, you'd be Bantha fodder by now!"

"Gee, thanks for reminding us. Now are we safe here or what?" Goadee bluntly whined.

"Yeah, you're safe here, just don't go around looking up the dancer's skirts or something stupid like that and we'll let you lie low here," replied Nez amiably enough. "That's just until you make it out, of course. We won't baby you for the rest of our lives."

"Nez, don't be so mean," Xeemo wrapped her arm around the other woman's torso. "Don't worry Lef, you and your friend can stay as long as you need to. Oh, but don't wake the other girls."

Goadee and I looked at each other, then looked out past the two females standing before us and noticed there were several cots along the wall, most occupied by a slumbering dancing girl. Our male hormones must have given us away, because at that moment Nez began to giggle with glee.

"Down boys," she smirked. "None of that now, you'll have plenty of time for perversion in the morning. Until then, we'll have to keep you out of sight…" she glanced around the room. "Aha! These old cloaks will keep you sticking to the shadows, just make sure you bed down in some, lest the guards spy you and correct their error."

We shrugged at one another, both at Nez' idea and her strange mode of speech, and did as we were told. The night passed uneventfully.

We awoke the next morning feeling sore and disoriented. It took us a few moments to realize where we were and what our situation was. The room was empty of all dancing girls, and a quick glance at Goadee's chronometer told us that it was the middle of the night, the most active time for anyone in Jabba's palace. We knew now where the girls must be; entertaining Jabba's carnal desires and quite literally dancing for their lives doing so. At once we both began to think of a plan for escaping the vile gangster, and quite possibly taking some girls with us (they're really cute and, well, we're heterosexual males, so what do you expect? I mean, it's not like we would try to hurt them, or anything). After a couple hours of deep, concentrated thought, nothing of significance struck either of us. And we started to feel quite hungry. So, being the pig-headed males we were, we decided to take a look around outside the unlocked room. This was of course not the best idea, but… we were bored, and couldn't think of anything else.

Goadee used his impeccable sense of smell to guide us to Jabba's kitchens. Once there, we paid extra attention to keeping ourselves hidden in the shadows, sneaking random bits and bobs of things off trays on the various counters. We were both very lucky in that no one spotted us, and that we didn't accidentally ingest anything that would cause friction with our respective digestive systems (since it is common knowledge that this particular Hutt enjoys rich food). Our eager bellies filled, we carefully made our way back to the sleeping quarters in order to continue devising our plan of action.