Date Posted: 30th August 2011

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or anything else that is copyrighted in this fic.

James, Sirius and Remus, shuffled through King's Cross Station as quickly and as discretely as they could, or at least as quickly and discretely as one could with Sirius following you. They needed to hurry. They were late. James hastily grabbed the other two and dragged them into the dingy public toilet stalls of Kings Cross Station, locking the door.

"Now, do you two remember what I told you guys?" James asked.

"Yes mother," Sirius droned, rolling his eyes, "It's like, the fifth time you've asked us already since we got off the Hogwarts Express and that was barely a minute ago!"

"This is really important!" James emphasised, "If you stuff this up you'll jeapodise my entire identity as Jasper!" James was almost frantic.

"James," calmed Remus, "as much as I understand why you're concerned, I think Sirius and I have had it explained to us enough already to the point that I'm sure even a four year would start understanding quantum physics, or at least not make any mistakes that will compromise your identity anyway. For certain," he reinforced.

James exhaled deeply, trying to calm himself down.

"Okay, so now let's get on with it." With that, the three of them started glamouring up and James got prepared to meet Lily as Jasper again after a very, very long three and a half months.

A few hours earlier...

"I'm half muggle," James blurted out.

"Cool. Wait, WHAT?" screamed Sirius, looking up from the game of exploding snap he had previously been engaged in with James.

"Well, I'm not actually half muggle, seeing as I'm pureblood and all but I-"

"Half muggle? What do you mean you're half muggle? How can one even be half muggle?"

"I'm not half muggle."

"What? But you just said you were half muggle! What do you mean you're half muggle but not half muggle and a pureblood at the same time?" Sirius' sentences were about as orderly as a troll choreographed ballet.

"No, I'm not half muggle. Why would I be? I'm pureblood."

"B-but! You! Muggle! Half. Pureblood. Muggle. Said. What?"

Ok, so maybe coming out and saying, "I'm half muggle" wasn't exactly the best way to start or explain things (in fact, it sounded like someone was telling their partner they were pregnant or something). But what was he going to say? "Hi, I, you're very best friend James Potter have been keeping the biggest secret from you since like, forever. I was actually raised in the muggle world pretending to be a muggle called Jasper Hartwell since I was born. Oh yeah, by the way, Lily Evan's is actually my best friend. Do you still wanna stay at my house house?"

Yeah right. As if that was going to go well.

"OK. So I know this is kinda hard to understand," James started uncertainly, "but basically, I kinda have to explain something important to you, you know, since you're staying over at my house for the entire school holidays and all."

"Yeah..." said Sirius, raising an uncertain eyebrow, clearly both suspicious and damn well confused at what the hell James had been trying to tell him for the past minute or so.

"Well, the truth is, I'm not actually James Potter - well I am James Potter, but not just the James Potter that you and most other people know me as. You got me so far?"

"Right..." Sirius nodded, obviously not getting a thing.

"You see, the thing is, I wasn't actually raised entirely in the Wizarding World but I'm actually also this guy called Jasper Hartwell, son of Layla and Justin Hartwell, who is supposedly a normal, muggle guy living in muggle Surrey studying in a muggle school and best friends with muggle now-known-to-be-witch Lily Evans. You kinda get me?" asked James.

"Yeah, sure," Sirius said casually, "Crystal."

"Really?" asked James surprisedly.

"Of course not! What the f***? Did I get drunk or accidently spike my drink again 'cause this sure as hell is weird!" Sirius snapped.

James rubbed a hand vigorously through his messy hair as he found himself with a headache trying to explain his alternate identity to Sirius.

Remus sighed and temporarily closed his book. It was always like this; he would get to the good part and have to close his book to help these two bumbling idiots out. Oh if he had a chocolate bar each time this happened...

"What James here, is trying to explain to you, is that when he was little, his parents raised him in the muggle world as well as the wizarding world to let him experience more things and other cultures. In the muggle world he and his parents go by a different name to keep their identity a secret. James here, is known as Jasper Hartwell in the muggle world and happens to be best friends with Lily Evans there. Yes, the same Lily Evans that set James on fire yesterday. Capiche?"

"Wicked! So, you like, talk to people using felefones and drink soft drink all day!"

"Wicked? That's it? You're not going to ask me why I never told you before, or say something like, 'Why did you lie to me for all those years!' or anything?"

"Geez Prongs. I'm your best mate, not married to you. I don't expect you to tell me every little insignificant thing that goes on in your life?" Sirius explained, rolling his eyes as if it were obvious.

"Insignificant? I dunno. Wouldn't most people normally have a whole list of a reactions when their best friend tells them that they've secretly been living a whole other life and never told them a thing? Don't you have anything you want to ask me at all?" Insignificant. According to the mental (and rather limited) dictionary of Dhragonis-Slytherin, the word "insignificant" was used to describe little, trivial things like, homework or pesky little brothers - not an alternate secret identity per say.

"Well, I do have one question I wanna ask..." Sirius trailed.

"Just ask and I'll try my best to answer it for you," James offered, totally surprised at how well Sirius was taking the whole thing.

"What's Lily bra size?"

James choked on thin air and Remus dropped his rather thick and heavily book painfully onto his foot.

"WTF?" exclaimed James, "What the hell is wrong with you Sirius! I tell you I've got a secret identity and the first thing you ask me what Lily's bra size is? Like hell I would know that! Why would you even think that I did?"

"I don't know. You're her best friend right? Don't all women ask their gay best friend for their opinion on the lingerie they want to buy or something like in the movies?"

"Heck no! That's a frikn' movie! I'm not even gay!"

"Naw c'mon! You sure you don't know? 'Cause I got it pinned on a C. It's so hard to tell since she wears such baggy clothing and robes and all."

"How the heck did you know?" James looked a Sirius horrified.

"Skills mate, I've been diagnosing women's bra sizes long before I could even walk," Sirius bragged, "Wait a sec, I thought you said you didn't know!"

"I don't," James defended.

"Then how come you confirmed it when I said it was a C?" said Sirius accusedly.

"I might not, but Jasper does. Lily does her laundry at our house all the time since her washing machine's stuffed," James informed, slightly sheepishly.

"James," interupted Remus, now with a book back at hand, "might I remind you there are more important things for you two to discuss other than Lily's bra size?" He was almost blushing at the leachery of their conversation.

"Ahem," coughed James, "Right there Remus."

Remus merely gave a brief nod of acknowledgement before continuing on with his book whilst James thought of what they were going to have to do to allow both Sirius and Remus to meet Lily without exposing their identity.

"Now let's see...well, first you need a name and background story," said James, "Being my distant cousins should do."

"I will be, Diego Guillermo Devante Renaldo Gonzales III!" claimed Sirius with an abrupt Spanish accent in a much clichéd Hollywood style.

James lowered his head in shame, "Padfoot, mate, lay off the Zoro films. Seriously. You don't look an inch Spanish with your pale British skin."

"Ah Prongs me mate. There's always the option of a fake tan. It's nothing a potion or two won't fix up. Minor details, minor details," he winked in assurance, "Besides, I've been dying to put my sombrero to good use."

"Padfoot," inserted Remus, no longer able to ignore his stupidity, "sombreros are Mexican. Not Spanish. Why in Merlin's name would you need a sombrero anyway. It's England! Not the bloody Sahara!"

"But I owl ordered it all the way from Spain and everything!" argued Sirius, still not getting the fact that there was no way in hell he could pull off being James' cousin from Spain.

"Can you even speak Spanish?"

"No, but neither can anyone else. I can bludge my way through the language already," countered Sirius, "Here listen: Enchanté señorita," he whispered huskily.

Remus either felt like snapping, or totally not caring anymore. "How on Earth did you manage to mix in French and Spanish together in such a short and simple sentence? It was only two words for Merlin's sake!"

"I am a man of many talents," said Sirius, still not dropping the fake Spanish accent.

"Oh, I give up," confessed James, "Why don't we chose something other than Spain."

"China?" asked Sirius hopefully.

"Do you look Chinese Sirius?" James and Remus snapped, "Choose something you can pull of for Merlin's sake! You don't know a thing about China!"

"The Great Wall of China was built by Emperor Nasi Goreng to keep the rabbits out," said Sirius. (A/N - Hahahahaha! Lol, sorry folks. Aussie joke. Anyone here get it?)

"No Sirius. I don't even want to know where on Earth you got that one from."

"Candy comes from China?" said Sirius, trying to find another fact.

"Those sweets I gave you last week were from Japan Padfoot, not China," exasperated James. Merlin, he was hopeless!

"Who would have thought. I thought everything was made in China! Well then...Japanese?" Sirius suggested in a Japanese accent.

"No!" exclaimed both James and Remus, "Choose a European country!"

"America?" he spoke with a slight Texan twang.

Remus realised that asking Sirius to think was absolutely a ludicrous idea in the first place. He should of known it would have never worked. Why did he bother asking him in the first place?

"Do we have to frikn' teach you the seven continents of the world before we can establish you an identity? How the hell can you even pull off all these accents in the first place? All I can speak is British!"

"I'm a genius after all. A bit of practice here and there, a movie or two, and voila! I was able to immitate their accents perfectly!"

"I never would have thought you'd put any effort into doing something other than picking up girls. I must admit Sirius, I'm impressed," praised Remus.

"Why thank you very much," he spoke with a French nasally sound, "And that one, I picked up off the news. Their weather lady is hot, hot, HOT!"

James had given up on asking Sirius for ideas, so he shot his own instead. "How about Australia?" suggested James, "It's very multicultural so we don't have to worry about looks and it's far enough away from England that barely anyone knows a thing about them other than they have sharks, kangaroos and actual sand on their beaches instead of rock."

"Perfect!" exclaimed Sirius, "Now I can practice my Australian accent!"

"Eh, Sirus, since when did you ever get an Australian accent in the first place?" questioned Remus.

"I was watching Crocodile Dundee and Steve Irwin wrestle crocs and got interested," he said with a heavy broad accent (A/N - That's a outbackish type of Australian accent in case you didn't know.)

"Padfoot, unless you plan on pretending to be my cousin from a cattle station in outback Australia, I don't think that's the best way to talk," said James uncertainly.

"That's fine," said Sirius, "I'll be from a kangaroo breeding farm instead! I've always wanted to ride one!"

(A/N - Remus would like to inform you that people don't actually breed, ride or own kangaroos in Australia. We hit them with trucks or shoot them for snags (sausages) which are very healthy and low in fat and cholestrol.)

"It took me a whole week to perfect that accent!" shouted Sirius.

"Why do you bother learning these accents anyway? It's not like you're trying to become an international spy and speak with different accents per country to blend in or something."

Sirius' face lit up. Oh Merlin. Here comes another one of his "bright" ideas again.

"You know what Moony?" he spoke with elevation, "That's a brilliant idea! I could be like, James Bond, except with a broad accent! Wicked!" Sirius assumed bouncing up and down like a hyperactive chimp on a billion too many bananas.

"Accents really are great! Now I can pick up even more chicks!"

"Huh? What does this have to do with picking up chicks?"

"Why do you think I know how to do foreign accents? To pick up chicks of course!"

"Care to explain?" Remus asked, looking slightly bemused and skeptical.

"Merlin Remus, are you really that daft?" and although daft would not be a word one would commonly, if ever, associate with Remus, Sirius seemed to think it was appropriate for the situation.

Sirius continued to explain, "Well, it's simple really. You walk up to a chick, say, 'Bonjour!' or '¡Hola' or 'Ciao' or something and ask for directions with the relevant accent. They will then be so flattered and find you so adorable they'll help you. You can even fake not understanding or ask them to take you there to stretch the time."

Both James and Remus were totally unimpressed with his carefree and cheerful attitude when it came to taking advantage of kind women.

"Even better, you can ask them out for a drink or something, explaining it as a means of thanks. If your lucky they'll say yes. And after that...well, everyone knows what happens when you mix women, alcohol and a hot guy like me," Sirius said, rather full of himself. (A/N - Sorry to any females who feel insulted! I'm female too...if that makes it any less offensive...Sorry!)

James and Remus were rather disgusted.

"Do you often decieve women like that?"

"Not really. Say about, 35 to 40 or so a week during the holidays?"

It was official. Sirius Orion Black was the worst enemy of all women.

"How can you stand even looking at yourself in the mirror?" Well...maybe not the best question to ask since it was Sirius but..."Don't you disgusted with yourself for lying to women so casually like that? How long do you string them along, pretending to be some lost and naive foreigner?" asked James.

"It usually only lasts for about 5-10 minutes. But sometimes you get lucky and keep them for the entire day or overnight. The longest one I've had so far was three weeks and two days. I had to pretend to be a relative and send her a letter telling her I had died from pneumocystis pneumonia. Rather clingy that one." He slightly winced at the memory.

"That's terrible!" cried James.

"Oh well, these things happen with guys like me, you get used it. It's only the occasional one or two that are clingy. Nothing to be concerned about," Sirius brushed off casually.

"Not you, you bastard. The poor girl! I can't believe anyone would be cold enough to do that!"

"Don't worry. I sent her my ashes as consolation. Fake of course, from the Leaky Cauldron's fireplace actually, but she doesn't know that of course."

"You sent her your 'ashes'?" exclaimed James.

"Yeah. I told her it was an ancient tradition in Japan to eat the ashes of your dead loved ones."

"Is it?" asked Remus, both slightly grossed out and interested. That poor girl. I wonder if she actually ate it.

"No. Or at least not as far as I'm aware of. I heard about a woman who was addicted to eating her dead husband's ashes the day before and thought it would be interesting." (A/N - This is actually true.)

"Why a Japanese tradition though? You don't look an inch Japanese nor do you speak it," asked James.

"Oh, I told her that all of my immediate family was murdered by a mad scientist to have their body parts used as illegal test subjects when I was six. Since then, I've been passed on from relative to relative, orphanage to orphanage. I seem to be cursed as every place I went either had an earthquake or cyclone that killed practically everyone until I was finally adopted by this nice couple in Japan, one of which died the year before from rabbies."

Remus and James just stared at him, until finally, "I don't know whether to call that girl pure and trusting or just plain stupid."

"Oook...well, why don't we get back on subject here," spoke James. "You guys are my distant cousins from Australia. Remus will be Daniel Hayters and Sirius will be Adrian Hayters and you guys can be unidentical twins from the Gold Coast. Good."

"Can I be a Spanish Australian with a Japanese accent then? Australia's multicultural right?"

"No!"

Back at Kings Cross Station Real Time

If one were to have been staking out in front of the male toilets at Kings Cross Station one late June, not that there would be anyone seeing as they would have beeen accused of being a pervert or pedophile, but if there was, they would have noticed three boys, one with light brown hair and two with black, one of which was particularly messy, enter the toilets and never come out. However, in their stead, a blonde and two brunets would have exited and rushed off towards Platform 9¾ to meet a certain Lily Potter.

Sorry for not updating in a while (though, I think I tend to say this at the end of every update anyway...so...)

I know! I'm so mean. I really was going to continue on and start getting Lily and Jasper to interact, but I got a bit slack and ended up ending it where it did instead. Oh wells, there's always next chapter, so please don't kill me!

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this fic (despite the stupidity of Sirius) and don't for get to click those awesome three words at the bottom of this and REVIEW THIS STORY!

That and to vote in the poll if you haven't already. The current scores for your favourite prank fo this fic are:

1. The "We're gay and looking for new partners" announcement prank thing on Sirius and Remus (Ch13)

11 » 22%

2. Making Malfoy and Snape sing, "Barbie Girl" and the "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows" (Ch8)

7 » 14%

3. The "Dumbledore, Dumbledore, let down your beard!" prank (Ch16)

7 » 14%

4. Turning people's hair a different colour and forcing them to dance to Michael Jackson and Broadway (Ch16)

6 » 12%

5. Locking James' and Lily's hands together (Ch16)

5 » 10%

6. "Sirius, you slept with Snape." (Ch18) Dunno if that counts as a prank, but lets just say it does.

4 » 8%

7. The Griffindor Quidditch Chant (Ch17)

3 » 6%

8. Leeches in the Girls' Lavatory (Ch19)

3 » 6%

9. Making Malfoy wear a dress, Snape a tutu and Geoff a pro-Gryffie shirt and heels (Ch5)

2 » 4%

10. Forcing Malfoy and Snape kiss (Ch6)

2 » 4%

11. The Screaming Door (Ch15)

0 » 0%

12. Turning Geoff Hacksley into an egg vomiting chicken birdman (Ch17)

0 » 0%

So please vote to keep your favourite prank at the top of the list or to boost it up if it isn't first yet.