Whisphers of the Heart

Black-Angel-001: a little fluffy, some angst. loved the season finale, but it didn't feel finished to me, and when i looked back and saw that dean still didn't have his amulet, it clicked. so, here we go!

Disclaimer: No owning of Supernatural, and I would LOVE to own Jared and Jensen...preferably shirtles...mmmm, 'scuse me while I wipe the drool off my chin...

Whisphers of the Heart

"Dad lied to me," Sam told him before offering the gift once more.

Dean still hesitated in taking it. Well, if that was the guage Sam was using for present worthiness, Dean figured he was just as undeserving as their dad. Dead had lied to Sam, for all of eight years and just lied again no more than ten minutes ago. So, if Sam wasn't giving the present to dad as intended for lying, why in the world was he giving it to Dean?

He looked at his little brother's face and read the slight loss of innocence there, the little bit of dullness in his eyes. Dullness that Dean had put there last night by telling Sam about the monsters.

And it suddenly made sense to Dean.

When Sam had confronted his big brother about the gun and the salt, Dean had denied it. When their dad's journal was brought out and Sam had stared at him head on and unflinching through Dean's last ditch effort to avoid the conversation, Dead had resigned himself and only asked for the promise not to tell dad.

It wasn't the whole truth, barely touched the tip of the iceberg, but Dean hadn't tried to deflect, avoid, or brush away the truth when Sam showed that yes, he knew something, and yes, any future trust was riding on Dean's response, even if they weren't really aware of that.

By answering as honestly as possible about the big issue, Dean was forgiven for the lie he told in trying to give Sam a good Christmas.

But, Dean had to make sure his conlusions were right, so he asked, "Are you sure?"

Sam nodded and pressed the package against Dean's knee again. "I'm sure. I want you to have it."

When the gold amulet fell into his hand, Dean was just a bit speechless. He didn't know exactly what it was and he didn't really care. His brother was giving him something special with the gift. It was an assurance that they were okay, they were going to be okay no matter what, that Sam trusted Dean always, and most important, Sam loved him. That was all Dean really needed.

Present Day

Castiel was gone back to heaven, getting things in order up there, Dean assumed.

Bobby was still up and walking, still hunting. He called Dean every so often to check up.

And Sam...Sam was gone, still in the hole he'd dragged Lucifer and Michael into with him. Still in Hell going through things Dean knew and could imagine and more than likely things Dean could never fathom. Dean didn't really want to try to imagine those anyway.

But his little brother had a few tricks left yet, and that seemed to inlude reaching Dean from beyond the grave at Christmas. The proof was in the package Bobby had sent Dean, with a simple note.

Sam wanted you to have this, one way or the other...I know he'd have preffered giving it to ya himself.

Inside the package, a letter and a small square of something wrapped in newspaper. He read the letter first.

Dean,

Well, this is it. I'm either dead or Lucifer's meat suit by now. Honestly, I'm kinda hoping for dead, if I had a choice between the two. Yeah, not exactly what you want to hear, I know. If my third option was living and still taking out the Devil, I'd take that one.

Anyway, this is gonna get sappy, so here's your chick-flick moment warning.

We've all agreed on how to stop Lucifer, and because even though I can keep it short and simple with Bobby and Cas, you deserve more than that. There's things I need to tell you, that you need to hear, that can't be said in the time we have. I can't-won't- let it go like that.

You were talking about how grown up I was to still believe in you, after everything. That's not me being grown up, that's just me being Sammy, even if that faith in you did seem to be gone or screwed up. It wasn't ever gone, though, just so you know.

I never stopped believing in you Dean, especially at the worst times.

No, the grown up thing I did was to forgive myself and you. Yeah, I've finally made my peace with everything and most importantly, I forgive you. There's plenty of things to forgive, like when you put live tadpoles in Sally David's pockets and told her I did it. And I do forgive you the little stuff too, but I'm talking about the big stuff mostly, the stuff we never talked about and probably should have. Not telling me about Dad's final words, the deal, giving up, all of it. The things you did may have sucked, but you meant well, for me and other people and you were truely sorry later for most of it. Yeah, I know "sorry" doesn't mean much a lot of times when the hurt and anger are still there and fresh, but other times...it means everything in the world. So, I forgive you, for everything.

You forgive me too, I know. Otherwise, you wouldn't have changed your mind about saying yest to Michael, and you wouldn't have gone along with my plan about the Devil. Some stuff will always be hard to swallow (I still try to get some things to stay down), like when I left for Stanford or left with Ruby. But, it'll eventually stop lodging in your throat and that's how you'll know that you've really forgiven yourself. I hope you'll be able to forgive yourself Dean. You really do deserve it.

It never seemed I needed to say this before that lame ass time in heaven, but I realized after that year, it does need to be said out loud and not in some kind of messed up code.

Dean, I really did, still do, want and need you in my life. When I ran away, it was so I could become better than what I was for you. I had to be sure of myself otherwise I never would be able wo watch your bak right. And for the record, that Thanksgiving with Jess and her family? I didn't want to go and kept wishing you were there. Just saying.

Those were all rigged. I wasn't better off without you (those four months after you were gone proved that); hell, it was always worse. Can't take care of myself, that's what you always said. It's true, in a way. I rely on you, always have.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say here is that it's okay. We're okay, in our own twisted way, but that works for us. It took me a while to figure it out (some college boy, huh?) but we still trust each other, we need each other, and we love each other. You can't deny it, I know you Dean. And I promised, no more lies.

the end note here is that I hope you'll take the gift with this letter back. I'll understand if you can't, but remember, it's not about the failure in the search for God, and it sure as anything is not about failure on your part or mine.

It's just...something really special.

Remember, you're still my brother, jerk.

Sam

PS Oh, and if you show up downstairs any time soon for any reason, I'm gonna kick your ass. Knock down heaven's door and kick angel ass that get's in your way, bro.

He read the familiar writing again and again, wiping his tears away quickly before they could blot the pages.

Sammy forgave him, and himself. A little bit of peace settled on Dean's heart, glad that it had happened. He was doubly glad that Sammy knew Dean had forgiven him, too.

The entire letter was a balm to Dean's aching heart and soul. It didn't make things better, not when Sam wasn't there to say it all himself, when Sam couldn't hear Dean say it all, but it helped. And damn Sam and his caring and sharing moods that worked. Dean turned his attention to the newspaper wrapping. He knew what was in it, but he just wasn't sure if he wanted it. Carefully, he tore back the tape and unfolded the wrapping. Sam still sucked at gift wrapping, he thought with a smirk.

Holding the worn piece of metal in his palm, the weight familiar and reassuring, the memories and emotions of the Christmas that Sam had first given the amulet to Dean came over him.

Dean considered the worn edges, the frayed cord, everything in his life.

Sam was absolutely right, it was something special, it represented something special.

It represented their bond as brothers no matter what.

Dean folded the letter, put it in his pocket, then slipped the cord over his head and around his neck. It felt odd and familiar against his chest and Dean touched it again, for just a moment. Then, he went to the Impala to go back to Lisa and Ben. He looked over to the shotgun seat and smiled, green eyes a little lighter.

Starting the car and staring at the road in front of him, Dean kept his smile and said, "Bitch."

If he pretended just a bit, he could hear Sam laughing next to him.

Yeah, Dean figured. They were okay.

Black-Angel-001: i couldn't believe that sam would leave dean like that without saying something to him, besides the promise. you could just see in the episode that sam had something to say and that dean wanted him to say something but neither of them said a word. yeah, couldn't leave it like that. reviews are welcome and eagerly awaited.