Breathing Space

When they were first reunited Joker was wary of Shepard. He was, after all, the reason she didn't make it off the Normandy alive. If he'd left when Alenko told him to she wouldn't have spent two years in surgery, at first not even recognisable as human. It would have been easier if he wasn't inescapably aware of what she had suffered – Miranda had taken him to view the chunk of tortured flesh that was, she assured him, his former commander and friend. He wasn't afraid that Shepard would take a swing at him, although he thought that a few broken bones might make him feel less guilty. Shepard, he correctly predicted, wouldn't blame him; she wouldn't even mention it. She was too damn good. But he didn't anticipate a return to the easy friendship they had shared on the SR1.

When he finally brought it up, his tone half joking but his eyes serious, she brushed it off.

"You weren't the one who fired on the ship, Joker."

"Yeah, but-"

She arched an eyebrow in a way that he hadn't seen in two years but recognised instantly; it usually preceded her making a crack at him. "Saren and the geth didn't manage to kill me," she drawled. "What makes you think you could?"

She had a point.

After that they slipped almost effortlessly into their old rhythm. During the day their exchanges were brief and, apart from the occasional aside from Joker, to the point. While most of the crew slept they talked quietly in the cockpit. Both of them slept lightly and usually in short bursts, a consequence of years of being roused in the middle of the night to face a new emergency. They spoke very little about what had happened in the two years that had elapsed. Joker had no wish to recall the depression caused by losing the Normandy, Shepard and his friends in the space of a few weeks, and Shepard had no stories to tell.

It didn't take him long to realise that he had missed talking to Shepard as much as flying the Normandy. It wasn't until she ran into Staff Commander Alenko, however, that he realised he was nurturing some fairly inappropriate feelings for his commander.

He hid it a hell of a lot better than Garrus, but he was furious with Alenko for what he said on Horizon. The general public could be forgiven for thinking that Shepard had turned traitor with idiots like Khalisah Al-Jilani trying to provoke a scandal, but her friends should know better. There was an obscure emotion buried under his anger at the thick-headed former lieutenant, and it took him a while to place it. He was relieved Alenko, who had always had warm feelings for Shepard, wouldn't be joining them anytime soon. He knew it was selfish, she could really use the comfort of another familiar face onboard, but that didn't change the way he felt.

"Damn," he grumbled to himself, rubbing his eyes wearily. "How did that happen?"

Joker didn't think anything would come of it. More than a couple of people onboard were half in love with her. It was a difficult thing to resist. She drew people to her almost effortlessly; it was what made her an excellent leader, and able to attract such a diverse group of people. Shepard might spend more time with him than most, but she made a point of checking in with every member of her crew once a day. Besides, he'd grown used to the idea that he'd be alone for the foreseeable future. Being one of the best pilots in the Alliance meant that he was never in one place for long, and his condition made casual dating difficult.

The atmosphere was tense enough to crackle in the few days before the crew was taken. The team was assembled and as strong as it could be. The Normandy had been fully upgraded, and they were currently in the process of tweaking their weapons to perfection. Everyone became very aware of the fact that they would have to face whatever was on the other side of the Omega 4 relay soon. Until then they had understood that it would be a suicide mission only in an abstract sense; with the inevitable day looming, it suddenly felt real.

Shepard was exhausted when she came to him. On top of her usual concerns she now had a jumpy and anxious crew to soothe. She grumbled that she was tired of having to smile reassuringly and she didn't want to crack another grin for the rest of the night. Well that was a challenge if ever Joker had heard one. He had to coax the corners of her lips up, teasing her about the rumours that were flying around the ship that week. When he made a crack about one of the crew she reprimanded him half-heartedly, her eyes gleaming as she tried to force her mouth to stay straight. He had to work for her smile, but damn he felt good when it appeared.

It didn't take long for her to turn his teasing against him.

"I never see your hair," she grumbled. "Are you hiding a bald patch under there?"

"The only thing I'm hiding is a terminal case of hat hair."

"You could always ask Miranda for tips on cultivating gorgeous locks," she said seriously.

He snorted. "Miranda's got nothing on me."

"I'm sure," she said drily. She moved towards him, eyes sparkling mischievously. He raised his hands, knowing what she had in mind, but she batted them aside easily and snatched his cap. She tossed it carelessly away, drawing an indignant protest from the pilot that died quickly as she buried her fingers in his hair. He was vaguely aware of her murmuring about checking for bald patches, but most of his attention was focused on the fingertips that ran gently over his scalp, leaving tingling trails in their wake.

It was the way she touched him that propelled him forwards. She was soft but not tentative, clearly not afraid that he would shatter if she breathed on him too hard. There was confidence in her deft fingers. Somehow her face was level with his – he must have tugged her into reach. He wasn't aware of moving until his lips were pressed against hers. There was a moment of panic as her eyes flew wide open (even Cerberus probably had regs against this kind of fraternisation) before she relaxed and her lips began to move against his.

When they parted there was dark humour in her eyes, and he knew they were thinking the same thing. Why couldn't we have figured this out sooner?

They had no more than a few short moments together over the next few days as preparations for hitting the Collector base took on an almost frantic pace. It was almost impossible for him to seek her out; unless she was sleeping she never seemed to stay in the same place for more than an hour, and short of constantly asking EDI for an update he had no idea where she was. The waiting would have irritated him had he not had so much to do. She dropped by at the end of each night before collapsing into bed to snatch some much needed sleep. They were strange but happy visits, consisting of rapid fire questions and answers about the state of the ship and crew in between kisses.

After the crew had been taken there was time for those left behind to prepare themselves. They were able to say goodbye to each other in case the worst happened. Some, like Tali and Garrus, Miranda and Jacob, had paired off and slipped away to spend their remaining hours alone. The rest had spent the time together down in the crew's quarters. Shepard and Joker had spent the time preparing. The latter made sure the ship was in the best shape it could be while the commander prepared strategy as well as she could when she had very little idea of what they would face. They had snatched a kiss before informing the crew that they were nearing the relay. It was different from the others they had shared, which had been gentle and exploratory as they attempted to get to know each other in this new light. This one was hard and searing, its intensity frightening and exciting Joker in equal measure.

She was saying goodbye, he realised after she had disappeared into the base. There was a wave of panic, quickly suppressed. Standing around biting his nails would do nothing to help her or anyone else. He had a job to do: he needed to work with EDI to repair the ship.

He shouldn't have worried. As usual she returned in triumph: the crew had been saved, the base destroyed and The Illusive Man told that he would no longer call the shots.

Although everyone survived, they hadn't escaped without injury. Shepard's time was consumed by visiting the people in the medbay, comforting those who had been kidnapped and surveying the damage done to the ship. Like Joker she ate on the move, hastily stuffing food into her mouth as she dashed from one part of the ship to another. They barely had time to acknowledge one another as they passed in the CIC. It was only after they docked at Omega for repairs that she appeared in the cockpit.

Joker hadn't slept since before they went through the relay. By the time Shepard sought him out he was so absorbed in a tired haze that her hand landing on his shoulder made him start violently. He glared up at her, muttering an almost unintelligible complaint.

"You. Me. Bed. Now," she ordered.

For a moment he thought he'd misheard in his sleep deprived state, but her pointed look and determined stance convinced him otherwise.

"Uh..." he said stupidly. "Are you -? Okay."

Shepard frowned, clearly replaying her last words mentally. "That didn't come out quite how I'd intended."

"It's not nice to tease your pilot," he grumbled.

The corner of her mouth quirked upwards. "Because you never do that to me."

"I said pilot. Commanders are fair game."

She rolled her eyes. "You've been awake for as long as I have, and I've been awake..." she trailed off, a faint line appearing between her eyebrows as she concentrated. "Actually, I can't remember the last time I slept."

While she was talking she coaxed him out of his seat, keeping a loose grip on his hand as she guided him out of the cockpit and through the CIC to the elevator. Noticing their joined hands, Kelly offered them a smile. It was a small one compared to her usual bright grin, but it was the first time she had smiled since being rescued.

Safely concealed in the elevator, Joker stifled a yawn and complained, "I can't believe you're putting me to bed. You're as bad as EDI."

When the doors slid open he was surprised to see the door to Shepard's cabin. She had said that they both needed sleep, but he assumed she'd meant separately.

He had been in her quarters only once before, the night they boarded the new Normandy for the first time and Shepard had invited him up for a celebratory drink. Things had changed between them since then, and the dim glow of the fish tank and Shepard's close proximity felt far more intimate. Even though both of them were too tired to do anything other than sleep, he felt a prickle of excitement run down his spine. Getting from the door to the bed, fumbling his boots off, was a haze. What he remembered clearly was Shepard holding her arms open for him, smiling up at him tiredly from the bed. When they'd found a comfortable position, Shepard's arms wrapped lightly around his shoulders, he nuzzled into her neck, breathing in the smell of freshly washed hair and soap.

He wouldn't last time much longer, he was already fighting a losing battle with his eyelids, but there was something he needed to say. "Shepard, I..." He wanted to tell her how his heart had sputtered when he thought she wouldn't make that jump, about the almost crushing relief he felt when Thane caught her and swung her into the ship. Losing her once had been hard enough; he didn't know how he'd cope a second time."I'm glad you're not dead."

Shepard chuckled quietly. "Your charm never ceases to amaze me."

He pressed a kiss against her reassuringly strong pulse, grinning against her skin when he felt it speed up. "Is that why you love me?" he teased.

"Part of it."

"Glad you've finally stopped denying it."

She hummed lightly. "I'm not admitting anything. You're no good to me if your head's too big to fit in the cockpit."

Joker was certain that their fight against the reapers wasn't even close to over. If anything they hadn't seen the worst yet, and life wouldn't get any easier with Cerberus hounding them and the council still refusing to acknowledge that a threat existed. But, he thought blearily as he urged Shepard closer, it was good to have some breathing space between crises.