Dream as if You'll Live Forever

Christmas – he hated it. Hated having to pretend to be merry and cheerful. Hated the way everyone partied and celebrated. Hated the way people spoke of getting together with family or friends. For him, Christmas simply meant memories – memories of better times, of loved ones, of a small child's excitement over Santa coming down the (10" diameter!) chimney and the presents under the tree. Memories of laughter, of teasing, of team nights and of blue eyes shining with merriment and possibly with love. Memories of a past with hope and purpose. But now, these memories only underlined how little hope or purpose was left.

For some strange reason, this year was harder than most. Maybe it was simply being in Washington, surrounded by politicians, bureaucrats, and by those simply interested in getting ahead by whatever means they could. Maybe it was because the weather was cold and wet – not the crisp cold of snow covered mountains but the slushy gray weather of a large congested city. All he knew was that this year, more than any time since he had left Colorado, he felt nothing but coldness and loneliness.

Yes, it was probably his own fault. He could have taken part in the myriads of parties and Washington soirees that seemed to be everywhere this time of year. He'd had plenty of invitations from colleagues and more than a few from attractive women who desired him, whether for his person or for the stars on his shoulders he couldn't tell. But all of it left him feeling detached and uninterested. He felt old and without anything to look forward to.

Lately it had come to him that there was little in his life but duty. He knew he made a difference to the program, and ultimately to the safety of the planet, but for himself there was nothing. Yes, he had friends, but they were living their own lives now, separate from his. SG1 – with the addition of Mitchell and Vala, were off fighting the Ori, still stepping through that wondrous blue shimmering gate to the stars.

Together the new SG1 still fought the good fight. They experienced the thrill of battle and the heady joy of comradeship, of a struggle shared. They were a team, but more than that, they were family. He had once been part of that family but now was separated by distance, by responsibility and yes, by age. For they were still young, still with a life to lead, to savor. For him, life was coming to a close with nothing to look forward to but retirement to a lonely cottage.

God, he's becoming maudlin he realized as he sat behind his desk. Just because it's Christmas and everyone else seemed happy didn't mean he had to slip into the proverbial 'pit of despair', he chuckled wryly to himself, although with little actual humor. Maybe it was time to head home and drown himself in a beer and some mindless TV.

He pushed himself wearily up from his chair, grabbed his jacket and cap and proceeded down the hall out of the Pentagon. Responding automatically to the guards at the door who wished him Merry Christmas, he slowly made his way to the exit where his driver waited to take him home.

As they drove through the slush and traffic of a Washington preparing to close down for the one day a year when things came to a stop, he began to think back on the last few years.

He remembered the final defeat of the System Lords, followed by the destruction of the replicators. Things had seemed so promising then – they had finally appeared to be winning the fight. Even with Janet's death a few months earlier and then the loss of Jacob there seemed to be something hopeful in the air. To his delight Sam had ended things with Pete. Kerry had dumped him, which damaged his ego a bit but in reality was a relief. He had found her very attractive and soothing to a heart bruised when Sam had moved on but knew that Kerry was not his soul-mate. Yes, he knew that was a cliché and would deny, to his dying day, saying or even thinking it. But it was, in fact, the truth.

He knew he was attractive to the opposite sex, or at least he had been in his younger days. But the truth was he was a one-woman kind of person. He had truly loved Sara and thought he would be with her until death, most likely his own in his line of work. Through tragic circumstance, however, that was not to be.

Then a year or so after Sara left he met Sam, or the then Captain Carter. Oh, for the first few years all he felt was affection for and loyalty to his young subordinate. He certainly recognized that she was gorgeous and sexy but the wound from his son's death and his divorce was still too new to allow for awakening feelings.

He didn't know when that changed. It was gradual, a slow thawing of the ice that surrounded him. It was a combination of the enthusiasm and idealism of Daniel, the wisdom and understanding of Teal'c and the brilliance and compassion of Carter that slowly altered him. And besides that, Sam laughed at his jokes! He had always had an off-the-wall sense of humor that most didn't get and some even detested. But Carter truly got his humor and often egged him on. He remembered when he finally realized what an absurd and crazy sense of humor she had herself - when she finally felt comfortable enough to show it. How could he help but fall in love with her.

After Jacob's death it had looked like they had a chance. They made tentative approaches to each other. There were a few veiled comments and a couple of intentional touches but it never got farther than that. Much to his disappointment, when the team left his cottage after their short holiday together, he and Sam were no closer than they had ever been.

He guessed that there were too many years of repression and avoiding the issue. Too much 'commander and subordinate', of putting everything and everyone else first. And let's face it, he thought, he wasn't the best at putting his feelings on the table. Oh, he knew most saw him as a hard-ass but in fact, he had been wounded too much in his life, both physically and emotionally, to easily open himself up to more possible pain. So, they had gone on as 'Sir' and 'Carter' and the moment had passed them by.

They had kept in touch for a while but eventually it became too painful, too stilted. They just didn't have a lot to say over the phone and he never seemed to have time for email. Eventually the calls stopped and the friendship had withered without constant attention. Most days he kept himself busy and tried not to think of 'what ifs'. But today, this season, it was difficult. It was too late he knew. Life had gone on and Carter – Sam – was no longer part of his life. He also knew that the hole in his heart would never heal.

Some days all it took would be something – the smell of a certain shampoo, watching his secretary 'talk' to her plants, a pair of deep blue eyes and blond hair – to bring back a wave of sadness and of loss. Somehow it was worse knowing that there was something he probably did, or didn't do, that destroyed his chance with her. He knew it was his fault – like so many of the bad things that had happened in his life – he was usually to blame.

Finally his car arrived at his cold, dark and lonely house. He handed his driver a card with its enclosed Christmas 'gift' wished him Merry Christmas and made his way up to his door and his bleak existence.

'Merry Christmas, Jack' he thought as he put the key in the lock, 'Merry Christmas'. Just then, he heard the phone ringing on the other side of the door.

Chapter 2

Quickly shutting the door he put down his briefcase and hurried to the phone. As he rushed to pick it up before it stopped ringing he managed to smash his knee against the side of the coffee table.

"Crap", he cursed, as he picked up the receiver.

"And Merry Christmas to you too Jack", laughed the voice on the other end. "It's obvious you are full of your usual Christmas spirit"

"Daniel", he groaned, rubbing his still throbbing knee. "You just made me smash my knee on the coffee table and it hurts. I'm too old for this you know. There could be permanent damage. The next time you see me I'll probably be in a wheel chair."

"Jaaack – I think you are exaggerating just a little bit. I'll have to let our enemies know - the Great Tauri Warrior, Jack O'Neill has been brought down by a piece of furniture! And anyway, how could I possibly have made you smash your knee? I'm hundreds of miles away."

"I just got home and the phone was ringing. I thought it might be something important. You know, the end of the world or something and I ran for the phone and bashed my knee. Instead it's just you."

"Well, snuffed Daniel, "I like that. I call you up with some good news and this is the abuse I get. Fine, I'll just hang up and share with someone else this exiting opportunity. I'll make sure to call in the future only if I have news of mass destruction and imminent catastrophe!"

"Okay, okay, Daniel. I want to hear your exiting news, just give me a minute to put some ice on this and I'm at your service. Actually, Danny, it's really good to hear your voice."

"Yours too, Jack", answered Daniel. As he waited for Jack to come back from getting ice he thought about his friend and former team-mate. Although for the last couple of minutes he had heard the 'old Jack' – grumpy, witty and sarcastic, the last few times he had spoken to him Jack had sounded tired, serious and without the usual irreverent spark that was Jack O'Neill.

He had been worried about Jack for some time – as had Teal'c when he had spoken to him about their friend. He had tried asking Sam but got little or nothing from her. She didn't appear to want to talk about Jack – something which also worried Daniel. He hadn't heard that they had had a falling out, but he also knew they weren't together in the way both he and Teal'c had hoped. He hated to say it, but Jack was sounding old and tired, like he didn't care anymore, almost the way he had been before Abydos.

Daniel hoped that what he was about to tell, or actually ask, O'Neill would give him a lift and something to look forward to.

"Okay Danny, tell me what's so important that you had to call the day before Christmas and cause me to wound myself", sighed Jack. "I'm all settled and am waiting with bated breath."

"Well Jack, do you remember P3X 957?

"Yes of course, P3X 597. I remember it well. Hmmm, it's a planet, with a gate and of course, let's see… trees!"

"No Jack, it's P3X 957 and you don't have a clue, do you?"

"No Daniel, I don't have a clue. I read dozens of designations a day in all the paper work I go through so it's a little difficult to remember exact ones. In fact, I never remembered the actual designation when I was with SG1 – that was Carter's and your department. Remember, I just came along on missions to provide the muscle!"

"Yeah, right – okay!" Typical Jack, thought Daniel. Why does he always downplay his role and his importance? Muscle! In fact, without Jack the team, the program and, in fact, the whole damn earth would have been lost! Everyone knew it but Jack himself, who always seemed to want to deny his importance and his intelligence. Although how Jack thought anyone would believe they would make him a 3 Star General if he were truly as clueless as he tried to appear was beyond Daniel.

Okay, he thought – back on track Daniel. Just get to it. Maybe this new opportunity can help get Jack back to his old self.

"All right then Jack, does Trelea ring any bells? That's the name the locals give to their world."

"Trelea, let me think. Yeah, isn't that the planet that SG8 first visited? The one where the people seem to be able to defend themselves against the Ori?"

"Yes", Daniel replied. "Although seemingly a simple, agricultural society, they appear to have been able to protect themselves from the Priors. We don't know how yet but it looks like it may be a real step forward in our defense and fight against the Ori. General Landry asked SG1 to go and see what we could find."

"And … did you find anything?" Jack asked. Actually, he knew about Trelea – in fact had known the designation but had wanted to pull Daniel's leg a little. Even after all these years it was so easy to do!

Trelea was an important enough find that Hank had kept him informed. He hadn't realized that SG1 had been sent however. That must have only happened in the last couple of days and he hadn't been in touch with the SGC since the beginning of the week. Too many meetings with politicians before the holidays arrived and took everyone away.

"Well, yes and no", answered Daniel. "They seem willing to discuss it with us but haven't given any details as yet."

"So, what are they waiting for?" queried Jack "Do they want something in trade? Anything we have to offer?"

"No, they don't seem to want anything, at least not any 'good"s'. They are a very traditional society, one in which ceremony, ritual and class seem very important. They have very strict protocols which they use in all areas – especially in dealings with strangers or visitors."

"Oh goody", snorted Jack. "Protocol, my favorite! Well, for once I'm glad I'm not along for the ride. You know how well I do at diplomacy and protocol," saying it as if the word itself had a bad taste.

"Ahh Jack", Daniel said slowly, "actually they do want you along for the ride."

"What! What do you mean?"

"There was only one thing they asked of us before they share what they know. They want to meet our leader and honor him."

"Leader – I'm not your leader, at least not anymore! You need some diplomat or politician. They'll do much better and the Tralala people won't know the difference. Just take someone along and tell them he or she's your leader."

"Sorry Jack … the Treleanpeople didn't just ask for our leader in general. In fact, they asked specifically for our leader "O'Neill – the scourge of the Gould and savior of our universe." They want you Jack. Your fame had proceeded you throughout the galaxy."

"That's ridiculous Danny! How could an agrarian population" ("Whoops" thought Daniel, "every once in awhile Jack forgot his own 'stupid act' and came out with something which showed his education and intelligence") have any knowledge of me? It's not like I made it onto "Galaxy News Tonight" or anything."

"Although an agrarian society Jack, they do receive visitors from other places so have obviously heard of you. In fact, a lot of the planets we travel to have heard of O'Neill and SG1."

"Great – there goes my little quiet getaway to Pluto!"

"So Jack, are you going to come with us? SG1 will accompany you – it will be like old times. When we get there it will be a simple ceremony – just an interplanetary 'meet and greet'. Then, Sam and the other scientists can talk to them about their defense system. Now tell me. Wouldn't you like to come off world again? It'll be fun."

However worried Daniel was about Jack he had been sure that he would jump at the chance to go off-world. He knew how difficult Jack had found giving up gate travel and taking a desk job. Washington was even worse than the SGC had been, thought Daniel.

Although Jack joked about hating paper work Daniel realized that much of the joking expressed his true feelings. Jack was truly a fine commander and had done a hell of a job in charge of the SGC. Daniel knew he was doing equally as well in charge of Home World Security. Although not military himself he couldn't help but hear things and knew that Jack had the respect of not only the Joint Chiefs and the President, but also of the men and women under him – something that was often harder to attain than the respect of those who commanded you. But, with all that, Daniel knew Jack would much rather be out in the middle of the action, running on adrenaline and watching the backs of those on his team.

So, the long pause concerned and confused Daniel. Suddenly, he worried that Jack was in worse shape than he had thought. There was really something wrong here. He knew he had to get to the bottom of it.

"So Jack, you coming or not." pushed Daniel. "We really need you."

"No, I don't think so Danny," he sighed, "I think you just have to tell them that I'm not your leader anymore, that I've retired my "saving the galaxy hero cloak". I don't think I would be any good. You know tribal rituals and me. I'll just screw something up and cause an interplanetary incident. I'll end up offending the chief's daughter or mother or something. You'd better find someone else."

What Daniel didn't know was that Jack would have jumped at the chance except for one thing and that one thing, or one person, was Carter. She would be there and, Jack admitted to himself, he was just too much of a coward and too heartsick to see her again. He couldn't do it anymore.

"Jack, come on" repeated Daniel, "we do really need you out there. But it's more than that. We all miss you and want you to come. SG1 just hasn't been the same without you. This is our chance to get together again, to sit around the campfire reminiscing about all the old adventures and, who knows, maybe have a couple of new ones. Please Jack, you have to come."

"Danny, I'll think about it okay? Right now I'm tired and haven't even changed out of my uniform. It's late here and I need my sleep, getting old you know! So, I'll think about it and get back to you in a couple of days."

"Okay Jack. I'll let you go and get your sleep, but don't think I'm going to let you get away with saying no. You have to come. Teal'c and Sam and Cameron and heck, even Vala, want you along. Take care and I'll talk to you tomorrow. And Merry Christmas Jack!"

"Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too Daniel." And with that, he slowly and quietly hung up the phone.

As he sat in the darkness and the solitude he thought about Daniel's last words. Did Sam really want him along or had Daniel just said that? Really, what difference did it make. He knew that he had no choice in the matter. The powers that be, including his immediate superiors, knew the importance of this potential defense system. They would do anything, including ordering him to go to Trelea, to ensure that Earth got a hold of it. So, it was off on an adventure with SG1. Just maybe, he thought, he could make it through this without causing more hurt and pain for himself. Yeah, he thought, self-delusional again, O'Neill!

Well, he decided, he had better do what he had said and that was get out of his uniform and go to bed. He expected that the next few days were going to be stressful, to say the least.

As he undressed and got ready for bed he realized he really did need to rest. He couldn't remember ever feeling so tired or so weak except when he had been injured or sick. Maybe he could claim he was ill and could get out of going on this trip? Then again, sick at heart and tired and old weren't excuses he figured they would buy.

I guess it's time to suck it up, O'Neill. For God and Country me boy! Yeah, that was the motto of his life. Just for once, just one time, he wished he could curl up into a corner and think only of Jonathon (Jack) O'Neill.

Jonathan – the man once filled with optimism and idealism, who simply wanted to do something to help his country, his world and maybe, just maybe, have a little something for himself. Those personal hopes had died, first with the death of his son, then the death of his marriage, and finally, with the death of his dreams.

Oh well, he thought, time for bed. Tomorrow he would put on his uniform and don his General O'Neill shell. He would again be the tough, sarcastic general who laughed at life and pain. Inside, his heart and soul continued to shrivel and die.